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Oneday99
Guest
Depression is a topic I like to avoid; it is something I've been running from nearly my whole life in fact. They say everybody's got some sort of secret, no matter who you are, and depression is mine. It started out as anxiety, and it started when I was very young. I couldn't stand not being in control. Whenever I was in a situation where I felt I didn't have everything handled it would kick in and hit hard. It effected my social skills, as well as my regular everyday life. I struggled in school, not because I wasn't intelligent but because I couldn't bring my self to pay attention or care about what this teacher who I know didn't give 2 shits about me or any of the class was spewing. I liked to read though, and that was my safe haven. When I picked up a book I could engulf myself in it, and let it devour my mind. I could be swimming in the ocean in the middle of winter, or flying through the sky living life as a bird.
As I got older it only progressed. The anxiety morphed into OCD, which Ive watched my mother struggle with, so that was almost to be expected. I don't mind it though, it comforts me to have some control and consistency in my life, even small victories. The depression started when I was a pre teen, I can still remember. Growing up a minority in an almost entirely white environment believe it or not it's extremely difficult. I never had anyone to explain to me or to guide me through the struggles I would face, from racism to prejudice and just plain ignorance. It too me a very long time to accept myself and learn to love myself and the skin I was in. I moved from a small town to a larger one and being the only black person I knew and not knowing up until then I was "different" made it hard for me to fit in. It took me a while to find a place to graze by in and when I finally did it was ripped away from me not long after. Throughout my life I've always had people come and go, the only consistent people being my mom and 2 younger siblings. So when one of my best friends died in a tragic car accident at the age of 14 it wasn't the first time someone had left, but it was definitely one of the worst. I was never the same after that. I struggled to keep a solid group of friends and dabbled in drugs and alcohol upon entering high school. I felt like I was getting weaker and weaker, even though I was still just a kid. I hated the way that I felt. It wasent like being sad, it was more like a feeling of emptiness. I felt nothing, and I had thoughts of suicide starting when I was just a young teenager. I felt like I had fallen into a deep dark hole, and at its worst I would just lay at the bottom in the damp darkness, thoughts swarming around my head too fast to keep up with. Some days I would attempt to climb up, dragging myself with all the strength I had to left up the side of the hole, the sun finally hitting my face as I creeped my way up. But it was all for nothing as I'd lose myself and slip, falling back down to the bottom. People would question my behaviours often, why I would randomly disappear and distance myself from people for long periods of time, why I would always appear drained and tires even though from the outside it seemed as if "all I did was sleep". Little did they know I'd spend the late hours of the night going through every detail of the previous day in my head internally screaming because of one little irrelevant thing I did that I wish I hadn't.
I felt alone. I really did. And not in the way where there were people there for me I could open up to if I really wanted too. I really couldn't, I had almost no family that I actually knew or kept contact with, other than my immediate family, and I didn't feel as if I could trust them as I'd tried in the past with failing results. I have trust issues you see and so opening up to someone, even someone "close" to me terrified me and was not something I was interested in doing. And so I just continued to live in my little hole, slowly losing more and more of my true self each day.
Then one day I came across a video on YouTube of a well known male YouTuber talking about his experience with depression. The way he described his highs and lows was very similar to how I felt, and seeing someone else, in the public eye especially, who struggled with the same issues and was able to get help gave me a gleam of hope. And so today, at 18 years of age I am going to go to my mother and explain to her just how bad it is. I'm going to open up to her entirely in hopes she'll understand that I am at my wits end and it's now or never. I never thought it'd have the courage but I am tired of being tired, I'm tired of living in sorrow and pain and I'm ready to be able to live life to my full potential. I wanted to write this little note to give myself a boost of confidence, and too show other young kids and and adults alike that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. PLEASE if you ever feel as though you are unwanted, unloved, or you are forever "sad" or anxious, get help. You deserve to be happy and to live your life to its fullest, just like anyone else.
Stay strong xx
As I got older it only progressed. The anxiety morphed into OCD, which Ive watched my mother struggle with, so that was almost to be expected. I don't mind it though, it comforts me to have some control and consistency in my life, even small victories. The depression started when I was a pre teen, I can still remember. Growing up a minority in an almost entirely white environment believe it or not it's extremely difficult. I never had anyone to explain to me or to guide me through the struggles I would face, from racism to prejudice and just plain ignorance. It too me a very long time to accept myself and learn to love myself and the skin I was in. I moved from a small town to a larger one and being the only black person I knew and not knowing up until then I was "different" made it hard for me to fit in. It took me a while to find a place to graze by in and when I finally did it was ripped away from me not long after. Throughout my life I've always had people come and go, the only consistent people being my mom and 2 younger siblings. So when one of my best friends died in a tragic car accident at the age of 14 it wasn't the first time someone had left, but it was definitely one of the worst. I was never the same after that. I struggled to keep a solid group of friends and dabbled in drugs and alcohol upon entering high school. I felt like I was getting weaker and weaker, even though I was still just a kid. I hated the way that I felt. It wasent like being sad, it was more like a feeling of emptiness. I felt nothing, and I had thoughts of suicide starting when I was just a young teenager. I felt like I had fallen into a deep dark hole, and at its worst I would just lay at the bottom in the damp darkness, thoughts swarming around my head too fast to keep up with. Some days I would attempt to climb up, dragging myself with all the strength I had to left up the side of the hole, the sun finally hitting my face as I creeped my way up. But it was all for nothing as I'd lose myself and slip, falling back down to the bottom. People would question my behaviours often, why I would randomly disappear and distance myself from people for long periods of time, why I would always appear drained and tires even though from the outside it seemed as if "all I did was sleep". Little did they know I'd spend the late hours of the night going through every detail of the previous day in my head internally screaming because of one little irrelevant thing I did that I wish I hadn't.
I felt alone. I really did. And not in the way where there were people there for me I could open up to if I really wanted too. I really couldn't, I had almost no family that I actually knew or kept contact with, other than my immediate family, and I didn't feel as if I could trust them as I'd tried in the past with failing results. I have trust issues you see and so opening up to someone, even someone "close" to me terrified me and was not something I was interested in doing. And so I just continued to live in my little hole, slowly losing more and more of my true self each day.
Then one day I came across a video on YouTube of a well known male YouTuber talking about his experience with depression. The way he described his highs and lows was very similar to how I felt, and seeing someone else, in the public eye especially, who struggled with the same issues and was able to get help gave me a gleam of hope. And so today, at 18 years of age I am going to go to my mother and explain to her just how bad it is. I'm going to open up to her entirely in hopes she'll understand that I am at my wits end and it's now or never. I never thought it'd have the courage but I am tired of being tired, I'm tired of living in sorrow and pain and I'm ready to be able to live life to my full potential. I wanted to write this little note to give myself a boost of confidence, and too show other young kids and and adults alike that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. PLEASE if you ever feel as though you are unwanted, unloved, or you are forever "sad" or anxious, get help. You deserve to be happy and to live your life to its fullest, just like anyone else.
Stay strong xx
