Will You Marry Me?

[PixieLoca]

Okay..So this is a problem of mine. I guess I should be happy that this man loves me so...but well...I'm NOT! I just can't find a happy balance of love and freedom.
He said he would never cut my wings.
That the most beautiful thing about me is my freeness.
Then he said that he loved me.
That he would never let go.
And immediately I became caged.
Although this is more a palace for anyone else,
soft, and filled with lovely things,
It is a cage...
and I am sitting in the corner of it crying.
Afraid to run.
Afraid to stay.
Terrified of being loved.
Of being in love.
My wings tied, my head lowered..
My fearful heart exposed to the world..
It's juice leeking onto his floor.
And all I can do is look up,
hold out my arms,
like a begging child lost on the street,
And cry.
Anyway....that was depressing, but it felt good to write it down.
-)ixieLoca

 

[funneface]

He needs to read this.
good luck, sweetie.

 

[supersonic]

Thats the funny thing about love, when you fall in love with someone you kinda cage them in a way to the things that they were free to do before you loved them. A problem, but if he really loves you then do what you will. Obviously when you love someone monogomy shouldn't even be an issue, just a given, if thats the problem. Theres many different associations with "freedom" though. Could be freedom to be yourself then thats fine, but other things associated with freedom could just be excuses for non commital in other words immaturity. I'm not saying you are any of these things, freedom is just a broad spectrum is all.

 

[PixieLoca]

Funne-
Thanx for your reply...maybe I will let him read it. The whole relationship is working better now though...I talked to him this weekend about how I feel.
SuperSonic..
It is definately not monogamy that I am affraid of, or that I want freedom from. I actually lov e the idea of finally having someone that I feel as though I can trust to be faithful to me...and I can feel comfortable putting my energy into a relationship that has potentail. (my ex cheated on me several times)
It is more that I feel scared of losing my opinions...of losing my dreams, I don't even know. I just get freaked out by knowing that someone cares for me as deeply as he does.
But thanx for the responses.
-)ixieLoca

 

[tray]

Hi all,
I read your lil post Pixi and Ill b damned I think I am looking in the mirror...
me being the dodgey farkin male...
hrm I hope I havent been like that..
fuk who knows ..
I am lost without her though...
I sent her a snippit from the words you composed and a lil message as well...
You kno.. all he (your he) wants is to love u...
as hardcore as it may seem I guess, you need to do somthing a lil xtra 4 us sorta males..
we can be the death and life of anyone me tinks...
I guess if u ever get these feelings again...
try and give a lil more.. and while u are givin let him know what u are doin and that u love him...
he will be sorted...
he wont do it for a while then it will start again...
again remind im... and eventually he will click...
I slowly am but me tinks it is 2 late...
but Ill tell u one thing... Id drop everything 4 her..
perhaps that is not good....
but I can only do what I feel...
I hope all the above made some semblance of sense...
------------------
tray
You have not experienced life untill you are chewed up and spat out

 

[PixieLoca]

Tray..
That is maybe just what I'm affriad of..
He would drop everything 4 me.
I am not sure if I like that.
At the same time I love that.
It's so damb cofusing.
He already put in notice at his work so that he can go out west in May w/me.
(I'm bound for the redwood forest)
I also know that all he wants is for me to give him the chance to love me and prove himself to me.
I do love him, and can't explain why I feel trapped like this.
He is so wonderful to me,
Especailly since he was beside me through my last relationship, and saw how my ex hurt me by fucking every nasty-girl he could while I was away at my mom's house in PR.
Maybe that is what I am most affraid of, is being hurt again.
I don't want to pour my heart out, just to get it stabbed open again.
Anyway, I think I am strong enough to take this chance, and let myself try again to love someone.
Thanks for sharing your experience...
-)ixieLoca

 

[Puck]

Pixie, whatever you do do not toss away something that could be special, take it for granted. Fear is quite understandable, but every once in a while you've gotta toss the dice. When to do that's up to you. May it all work out.
~*~ PuCk ~*~
'if we shadows have offended,
think but this and all is mended...'

 

[tray]

heyas,
Well, I think u should write him a letter with all u wanna say in it...
and you will b sorted

 

[PixieLoca]

Tray..
Last night my lover came to see me. He brought me roses and wild flowers...
That is damb near enough to win me over.
I have never had a man bring me flowers before. (this guy does all the time)
Anyway...he said (when I questioned him) "I cannot arrive at the house of princess empty handed."
I guess it seems to good to be true..ya' know?
especailly after Jimmy(my ex) who treated me like shit. It's like I said in Funne's post..I keep thinking it must be a package bomb...
I seem quick to be swept off my feet by love and it's fancy gift-horse... but I am forever untrusting.
I am not sure it is my lover that I do not trust, or if it is my instinct that I do not trust.
Either way my little head is muddled into a big ol' mess now, and I'm not sure what the next step is?!
I can't believe you are willing to help me get sorted out on this whole thing, but looks like you may share my guys feelings...
and well..I may share your girls' eh?
Frankly we both need some advice I think.
-)ixieLoca

 

[tray]

Heya pixi,
I know how hard it is to trust...
I am the MOST untrusting mofo on the planet...
I guess you just have 2 tell yourself over and over and over and over that it is for real.. and u know what.. u cant stop tellin yourself that either....
well I aint yet..
IF all of this flower and chocy stuff is 2 much... I know u like it but u get a lil spooked by it tell im... cause this is what is going to happen (Im living it now)
You wont tell him what you really feel..
He will begin 2 sense somthing.. he will ask u will say nothing is wrong he will think HHELLL YES there is somthing wrong...
FFUUKKK it is me.. ok Ill just agree with anything she says...
and you both start doing the same thing....
and in a nutshell it is lyin 2 each other..
All I can stress is truth truth truth....
And yeppo I wanna help cause I do not want any other human being going through the self trauma that I am going through...
every day is a farkin battle...
My werk is deteriorating... everything is...
and my sanity...
I dont know if I am coming or going...
well majority of the time I dont..
Every 15 min or so I get to step out of my demons grasp.... I forget 4 a min...
then somthing sets me off .. a smell ....
a word, a phrase a song.. even a meal..
everything reminds me of her...
and as i said I DONT WANT ANYONE going through this... cause its fuked....
hell every day I wonder if it is worth keeping on ... somehow I do..
ahh love.. gotta dig it
------------------
tray
You have not experienced life untill you are chewed up and spat out

 

[tray]

One more thing...
FOLLOW YOUR HEART
Nothing else PERIOD.
heed others advice do what u will with it...
but follow that sucker that is in your chest..
cause that is what it is there 4
(aside from keeping u alive)
------------------
tray
You have not experienced life untill you are chewed up and spat out