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why is life so hard?

Ds

Ds

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 26, 2006
Messages
31,970
Location
God's Country
i'm scared more of life than death..

i have a hard time living sober, shit just isn't the same. when i was getting high atleast i was well high when shit was going on in my life.

i'm still struggling, i'm a week clean from all mind altering chemicals, and fuck it sucks. emotions are coming back again, which i've dealt with before sober, but the soberity is short lived because i set myself up to relapse.

i like to make "reservations" to get high, for example, it's almost christmas, and my mom and step dad(fuckinbitch) don't want me around. i know this is going to be another fucking deppresing christmas for me, and the thought of using is getting stronger and stronger. i know if i do use then i'll be taken away from all my life drama's for atleast a few hours. and for those hours high nothing will upset me, even if i get thrown out of the halfway house that i'm in, i'll still be high.

my family one of the biggest reasons why i get high, i'm the labled ''fuck up'' in my family. everyone else is doing shit with their lives and living fucking happy, but not me. i feel like a piece of shit, and i want to get high.

here i am trying to do fucking good, my family knows i'm here, and yet they don't want any part of me. my mom and fucking stepdad(bitchcunt) removed me from their facebook, yea its just a lame internet social thing, but that fucking hurts man. i'm still in shock over the shit. like what the fuck did i do?
yeah i got kickd out of rehab, no i havnt stolen any more shit from u (mom) so why fucking make me feel this way? espically this time of the fucking year?

its fucked up. i lay in my bed here thinking the world would be so much better without me, i think who all will come to my funeral. the one thing that hurts the most is thinking about a ''bluelight shrine'', that shit hits home. i could care less about who comes to my funeral. see i've met so many cool people, and met so many friends on bluelight. may think its weird, but bluelight is my only family atm. i have no one but my peoples here, atleast yal understand what i'm going through with addiction n shit.

shit really sucks, i really feel like my life isn't going anywhere. i nice shot would kill all of these fucking sour emotions i'm feeling right now. i know if i do it, i'd let a lot of bluelighters down, which i don't want to because they are rooting for me to stay clean in my recovery. unlike my fucking family that dont give 2 shits about me.

my life is chaotic right now, i'm going to atleast 3 meetings a day, sharing, trying to get this shit off of my chest. i've heard a lot of good shit in the meetings, and for once in my life i know i'm not alone in this shit.

i feel like the outcast a lot in meetings, like no one has experinced the shit i've gone through, all the shit i've done to other people, and to my self. what i've done to get my DOC.

i'm still living out of a black garbage bag, i got all my shit in a big garbage bag, i've been doing it for so long,. its hard for me to take the shit out because i dont know if i'm going to be here much longer. so why even bother to unpack? i mean i got a rent notice today and susposedly my mother was susposed to take care of the shit, but she hasn't. so thats keeping me from unpacking my shit.

my personal hygine sucks, yeah i wash n brush my teeth, but things like wash cloths, make bed, clean up my stuff is something i have a problem with. i've been wearing the same pair of socks now going on 4 days because its my only pair, and dont have the money to wash cloths. how fuckd up is that??
i used to have alot of shit, but due to my addiction i lost it all. every fucking thing, and at one time i was living in a homeless shelter, atleast i had my DOC and i staid high in that bitch.

so i'm struggling, id really like some love right about now because i dont want to die. :(
 
D's...........
I know you're struggling honey but things will get better. <3
I believe that the pain and hardships we go through in life will make us stronger and better people.
I'm not sure what kind of shit you are into but think of the positive aspects of life- For me, I love nature...........simplicity is beautiful.
Maybe take 5 mins out of your day tomorrow and stand outside and soak in somewhere natural. Listen to the birds, watch the clouds or the stillness of the trees- whatever, take in the simple things in life that you normally would pass by and not think twice about.......
If you have interests or hobbies, get back into them- read about them- try to keep your mind occupied with things that are intriguing to you.
I know when you're down it can be difficult, but only you can pull yourself out of the funk- you have to make the effort, I'm not trying to say you aren't but I am saying that while you may not WANT to, you have to :) <3 <3
 
thanks ocean.

it's hard to notice stuff like that when i feel so empty, i'm damn good at acting that everything is going good, but on the inside i'm a fucking wreck.
it's so damn hard to let my family shit go. one minute they love me and the next i'm nothing. i read my moms text msg's today (luckly she uses an ipod because i can place bugs in them and read all her fucking text's and see who she calls) and about half of her messages are about me, talking to my goddamnd step dad in what she should do about me, and ofcourse he wants her to cut all ties and just leave me alone. it hurts, she doesn't understand addiction except by what my stepdad tells her, id wish she would go to alanon and learn that addiction is a disese. that would make shit so much better if she would know that i like to get high, and i'm not doing it for fucking attention or trying to rebel. i havnt met one heroin needle junky that does the shit to get back at their parents, or showing off. i've been on boi for a while, and that shits never cross'd my mind.

i'm fighting my inside thoughts bad right now, i'm hanging on a thread, litterly. like 95% of my body feels consumed with this emptyness, negativeity and shame. the only thing that will instantly pull me out of this funk is a shot of dope. which sounds so fucking good.

the only reason i'm sober is because i made a promise to someone on bluelight that i wouldnt use no matter what, and so far i've kept that promise. its the only thing thats keeping me sober, if i relapse it would disapoint them, i've broken so many in the past and i just want to keep this one.

this blows
 
Man, I can understand how that would feel with your mother and step father.........
I've always felt like a disappointment to my father.
I know he wanted more out of me and there have been many many nights (as childish as it sounds, and yes, as a full grown adult) that I have cried myself to sleep wondering why I can't be loved and accepted for me- but you can't please everyone.
Right now, you need to try to focus on you and making yourself happy and healthy. You are doing great! You are really making progress- whether it is due to a promise to someone else or not, you've made it a week so far! Maybe in the next week you can make sobriety as important to you, FOR YOU, as for the other person.
I know the small shit is hard to focus on while in such a mental state- but that is sort of the point.........forcing yourself to find the beauty in life when you are in your darkest moments can really help to bring you out of that mind frame (it is a slow process sometimes, but that is okay)
My PM box is always open- and please continue to talk it out here b/c going back now due to other peoples (family) shortcomings (inability to accept you for you and see the truth of your situation) would be a shame.
Don't let anyone else cheat you out of your sobriety. <3
Keep your head up and think positive.
 
Sup D's. Throughout our lives we all go through tests in order to see if we are ready to take our life to the next level. That is what you are going through right now. You have to stay strong and resist the temptation to use! Why? Because soon you will be in a much better place. Being sober allows us to see life in a different light, a more positive one. Wer able to see clearly what truely makes us happy.For me its just chillin and having good conversations with people, and just livin life freely ,meaning without negative influence, such as addiction in your case. The longer your sober, the less you feel the pull of your DOC. Slowely but surely your mind gets sharper and you begin to look for other things to occupy your time with. Always keep your guard up though for negative thoughts(about ur life which trigger u to use). Keep busy , stay active, exercise , and hang with "grown" folk, people who are going to uplift u. Remember this, by using u are letter nobody down, but urself. Dont use man you dont know me , but this is ur fucking boy talking to u,hear me.Pray to your highpower a lot, and if you dont have one get one. God truely does exist in this world, and if you pray on something with a whole heart, he will answer you prayer. Good luck and feel free pm me if u want.
 
I believe in you D's

You gotta believe things can change and eventually they will, for the better.

Think of it this way, your past has given you an undeniable perspective on how you don't want things to be in your life. It is a day to day struggle, I know, but slowly you will feel better with each passing sunrise instead of worse.

Don't give up, you've taken the first steps! They are often the hardest.
 
D's, my parents had 4 sons in 5 years and 8 years later i was the "oops, birth control failure" kid and the only girl. my mother was on amps for weight loss (i guess) and barbs to sleep (it was the early '60s) and continued taking w/e while preggers w/ me. so i had two strikes as soon as i popped out. and it is not safe for a girl child in a house full of boys especially when one boy has serious perverse tendencies. strike three.
by the time i was 12 my brothers were grown and mostly gone doing their own thing, my parents split, my dad ended up in a "retreat" a.k.a loony bin and i was sent to one of those new england boarding schools that superficially might look prestigious but they're just dumping grounds for kids whose parents don't want to be bothered. i was 12 and, for all intents and purposes, on my own. i never again spent more than 3 weeks at what was supposed to be "home" and my mother made it real clear that my time there was only temporary.
D's i know it hurts how your mom acts toward you but fuck 'em, y'know. time to move past and move on. they will have their own hell to pay, i am positive of that cuz that's what happened to my sperm and egg donors. they both died painful deaths alone and probably lonely and w/ regrets but fuck 'em.

you can't change what's already happened but you can do something to make today and tomorrow and the next day better. try to find even one positive thing each day, even something small and mundane like "at least it's not raining" just anything positive to focus on so you can get through until the next day.
when i'd get really down and discouraged and start dwelling on negative crap, which was most of the time for quite awhile, i'd think "accept it or address it" and either let w/e go by accepting that i couldn't change it or address w/e by making a plan and working that plan until i changed the things i could.

i'm way older than dirt now but the last 5 or 6 years have been the best of my life. took a long time but i just kept trying and when i fucked up i didn't allow those fuck ups to derail me, y'know?
you have a kind heart and a great spirit and i know you can get through the troubles and pain you're having now. you will get beyond all this and get to the places in mind and body that you want to go. dude, there is nothing special about me except that i'm stubborn as hell and i was determined that i wasn't going to let all the bad shit from my "family" drag me down my whole life and that i was NOT gonna be like them ever.
life is hard but i am proof that it can be better in time. i still get really down at times. i've got some medical problems and sometimes i'm a little too loony but at the end of the day i just keep on going cuz i'm not gonna give up on me because of the shitty way my birth family was toward me.
you will get past this time of troubles. you will get past the frustration and weariness of wondering just when you will start feeling different and better.
remember-
find one positive thing about each day.
and about w/e troubles come up, accept it or address it.
you'll make it, D's. i know you will.
best of luck and pm me anytime if you want.
-izzy
 
You don't need family. You need love from yourself. Realize that the shit you have been able to experience makes you so much more of a better and stronger person than all those who have judged you and put you down. You have been able to see life at a whole new perspective, use your knowledge to educate others. Not very many people are able to say they have been through the stuff that you are going through. You are stronger and tougher than very many people on this earth. Prove them all wrong by continuing to live.
Now that you are no longer paralyzed by the fear of death, you are completely free to do whatever you want. Many people are still are in a prison of fear because they are afraid of dying.

When you have nothing at all, that's when you are free from everything.

I went through a stage of depression and suicide. I learn to detach myself from everything.
You should try to free yourself from the depression and stress that you family puts on you by completely detaching from them. Learn that the only person that you need is yourself.

When you feel down feel free to talk to me. I've don't know you, but trust that I do care for you. I can relate to you in many ways and I want you to know that you are not alone. I give my love to you and if you ever need more I'm here. There is lots of love in this world, don't be scared to accept it. I wish you find peace with yourself.
 
thanks everyone, i thought i was the only one that goes through this shit because people don't really talk openly about their family.

it's hard my myself to stay away from my mom, i'm going to be honest about something. she enabled me a shit ton in the past, like give me $, give me a place to stay, and i wasnt working a job, i droppd out of school. then she started dating this guy and everything changed, since then i've had several relapses and my mother and i's relationships keep getting further and further away.

i still havnt herd anything from them as far as xmas, so im just going to fuckin chill here in the halfway house, i wont be the onlyone here, theres other people in my situation. so its cool to be with them in a time like xmas.

i really should be on fucking anti-depressents but dont have health insurance or any money for that kind of stuff.

it's going to be rough next few weeks, hope i can find a way out of this hole.
 
D's said:
thanks everyone, i thought i was the only one that goes through this shit because people don't really talk openly about their family.

it's hard my myself to stay away from my mom, i'm going to be honest about something. she enabled me a shit ton in the past, like give me $, give me a place to stay, and i wasnt working a job, i droppd out of school. then she started dating this guy and everything changed, since then i've had several relapses and my mother and i's relationships keep getting further and further away.

i still havnt herd anything from them as far as xmas, so im just going to fuckin chill here in the halfway house, i wont be the onlyone here, theres other people in my situation. so its cool to be with them in a time like xmas.

i really should be on fucking anti-depressents but dont have health insurance or any money for that kind of stuff.

it's going to be rough next few weeks, hope i can find a way out of this hole.
Click to expand...


You're right that this isn't talked about much. One of the first pieces of advice which will be given to family members seeking help - whether from informal organisations or mental health experts - is to establish clear boundaries and stop enabling the substance abuser - that they cannot change the addict's behaviour, only how they respond to it.

Setting those boundaries often involves putting the addict at both a physical and emotional distance and intentionally redefining family relationships in a way which limits the negative impact one person's substance abuse issues have on the rest of the family.

I think that when people wish their families would learn more about addiction, they sometimes believe that would somehow lead to their families cutting them slack - in reality, it is far more likely that their families will be encouraged to stop cutting them any slack and to hold the addict fully accountable.

As to why life in general seems so hard for so many people - we've somehow created a generation whose expectation of the amount of effort required to live the life they want is totally at odds with reality.
 
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Lolie said:
we've somehow created a generation whose expectation of the amount of effort required to live the life they want is totally at odds with reality.
Click to expand...

u dont know how hard that shit hit me..
like growing up my mom n dad wanted me to be a astronaught(sp)football star, everything that i'm not.
they pushd me into shit that i didn't like to do. i just liked to chill with my friends and get into trouble cuz that shit was fun, like skateboard, smoke pot, tag shit. kid stuff ya kno?

when they found out that i was hanging out with this kid called "C", they fuckin trippd cuz his parents both have a drinking problem. I liked hanging out with C because his parents were really down to earth, and would let us be kids instead of making us be things that we arn't.

i see what u mean lolie, like when i was put on adderal as a kid i was 6 years old when i started that shit, and got dependt on it at 10, taking it everyday 2 times a day. Geeeesh i wonder where my addiction came from???
shits fucked up, i talk to other addicts that grew up in my generation and they were treated the same way. they were perscribed stimulants because they did kid shit to.

what the fuck?

now i'm a full blown "recovering" addict, I'm so used to getting high because thats what i thought being "normal" was like.
now that i'm sober its like.. what the fuck? and now my family is putting a shit ton of weight on me for doing "addict" shit.

fucking love, i dont know what the shit is now. my family sure as fuck doesn't love me, or atleast i don't see it or feel it.

also my girlfriend and i are having problems, how the hell am i susposed to help her if i cant help my self.
 
D's said:
u dont know how hard that shit hit me..
like growing up my mom n dad wanted me to be a astronaught(sp)football star, everything that i'm not.
they pushd me into shit that i didn't like to do. i just liked to chill with my friends and get into trouble cuz that shit was fun, like skateboard, smoke pot, tag shit. kid stuff ya kno?

when they found out that i was hanging out with this kid called "C", they fuckin trippd cuz his parents both have a drinking problem. I liked hanging out with C because his parents were really down to earth, and would let us be kids instead of making us be things that we arn't.

i see what u mean lolie, like when i was put on adderal as a kid i was 6 years old when i started that shit, and got dependt on it at 10, taking it everyday 2 times a day. Geeeesh i wonder where my addiction came from???
shits fucked up, i talk to other addicts that grew up in my generation and they were treated the same way. they were perscribed stimulants because they did kid shit to.

what the fuck?

now i'm a full blown "recovering" addict, I'm so used to getting high because thats what i thought being "normal" was like.
now that i'm sober its like.. what the fuck? and now my family is putting a shit ton of weight on me for doing "addict" shit.

fucking love, i dont know what the shit is now. my family sure as fuck doesn't love me, or atleast i don't see it or feel it.

also my girlfriend and i are having problems, how the hell am i susposed to help her if i cant help my self.
Click to expand...

Schools don't help. My daughter just withdrew my grandson from his expensive private school because they were pressuring her to medicate him for being a normal 6 year old kid. She may yet face the same battle with his next school.

I always told my kids that I'd rather they be happy garbage collectors than unhappy doctors or lawyers, but few people get any encouragement to pursue a blue collar life anymore - even though a lot of tradesmen are now earning more than their white collar counterparts because there's an over-supply of white collar workers and an under-supply of tradesmen.

This current generation of young adults gets a lot of mixed messages and I think that contributes greatly to a collective, almost chronic discontent with their lives and a constant feeling that nothing is ever "enough".
 
man i totally know how you feel. i just recently got clean and i realize i got a drug problem because i had major depression and i couldnt find any hobbies or anything i really liked. so i found drugs! but now im clean and i have the EXACT same emotional and lack of hobbies problems as i did before drugs.

im on an anti-depressant and i dont really think its doing much. i know im gonna go back to using - im like planning it in my head - and that just makes me feel worse. and if i do and fuck up, my parents are done so ill loose my job (as i always have in the past) and end up homeless. but the way i look at it is, people just want you to be successful. if i do good in school and keep a job and be successful, then im good to go. but using just makes me feel guilty cause that was supposed to be part of the deal but im moving away so i figure as long as im successful and start working on a life, then im fine to use. all im gonna do is keep my use to the weekends, party it up, then do what i need to do during the week. that way i dont go back to being a junkie but i still get to use. thats how im gonna justify it, and not make the guilt come back. (thats what made me give up trying to be successful in the first place and go all in on my addiction). so maybe if thats what you need to do if you cant stay sober, try something like that. be successful AND enjoy life - not destroy it. i know, set up for relapse but its better to have a plan and some desire to keep it under control then nothing..

i also have no health insurance so i feel ya on the expensive meds. my old psych gave me a site that gives you discounts on meds. some require you to have a certain amount of income, so if your unemployed like i am then it kinda sucks, but some dont require that so you just gotta look through them. the site is here

i know what you mean about meetings too. i feel "out of place", and i find it hard to get to know people because they are all kinda clicky, but it does get better. you dont really need blood family to feel loved, as is evident here on bluelight, so just be with people you like to be with on xmas. go to a meeting? they hold them so people who have no one can just come and chill. or go to a meeting with the people from your halfway house. either way, its all about who you spend your time with.

if you feel down and cant really get back into things and feel being sober sucks, then try and hang out with someone fun. or bluelight alot - thats what i do. i moved away from my hometown to get clean and i have NO friends where im staying except my boyfriend. so bluelight is how i really pass the time.

i hate being sober too and its the hardest thing i have ever done. but it does have its good points. just think of how much less stress there is now, then when you were using. how its nice to be able to think clearly and actually understand and remember what your talking about. how the sun shining through the trees really does look nice, and you would have never noticed that while using. sure using had its perks too but so does sobriety. just try and look for the good parts of sobriety and try not to dwell on the shitty parts. the longer the sobriety the better it gets. and maybe give your family some time, they dont know the sober you, they only know the fucked up you so thats what they are basing their thoughts on. maybe if you show your serious about sobriety and start getting your shit together they will give you at least sooome time of day. i hope you have a good xmas eve and xmas dudeskie. i feel for ya and totally understand. keep strong and let us know how its going. hope that site gives you some help.
 
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Hello D, i read your post and when u said u didnt want to take your stuff out of the black garbage bag bc u didnt know how long u would be where u r that really REALLY hit home with me u know i had no home and lived from couch to couch for years and everytime it seemed like i would unpack my few pitifull measley items i would get kicked out and have to leave where ever i was staying for whatever reason. When i met my now husband and moved in with him it took me two months to take my makeup bag out of my purse and leave it in the bathroom bc before thats really all i had and i didnt know if i left some where would i b coming back. Anyways i just wanted to let u know i totally relate and u know what i will b 30 on wednesday and after years and years of addiction pain and misery i now have my life together. i am on methadone maitenence. i just wanted to tell u that i was the worst addict i shot meth for years and was also on opiates for ten years. Let me tell i now have a home kids and a husband who is wonderfull to me. ofcoures we have had our probs but who doesnt. anyways i just want u to know that u can get your life together and be happy it took me years and i was also the onne in my family and the one everyone looked at and thought lost cause, drug addict. but with the help of god who carried me thru my darkest hours and with determinationn i got my life together and i know u can to. best wishes and merry christmas never ever give up u can do it i know u can!!
 
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