Why do we do this to ourselves??? (useless ramblings the day after doing xtc...)

[*SWeeT-e*]

At a party I was at last weekend I remember being in the washroom, fucked out of my mind on e and reading on the bathroom stall:
"Why does feeling this good mean feeling so bad?"
And it got me wondering...
* * * * * *
I stare at the pill...it's got a cute little symbol on it...surely harmless, right? How can something that small do anything so powerful?
I swallow it down...it's ok, I told myself THIS time I'll only do one. Surely one pill never hurt anyone. If it works, it works, if not, that's ok, I can still have a good time without it.
An hour later...fuck, feeling nothing. Maybe I better buy another one. I'll just do another half, maybe two, that's all.
Now I'm starting to feel it, my face is warming up, my hands are starting to tingle. A rush and I'm breathing hard...what the hell have I done to myself? It's ok, it's just the drug. Breathe. Sweetie, could you just hold my hand for a bit, stay with me and sing me a song till it passes?
Ok, ok, now I'm feeling fine. More than fine. Really good. Real fucking good. Waves of pure bliss rush over me like a waterfall of sunshine. I'm up on my feet, dancing, dancing faster. Music never sounded so beautiful...I feel ALIVE. As if this is what I was put on earth for.
Do you want a bracelet? How about some candy? Let me spray some water on your face sweetie, it feels soooo good. Hugz! PLUR! I have never felt love and unity like this before.
I'm off to dance some more! I could dance all night, all week, all year! I'm going to keep going FOREVER, I'm never gonna come down, EVER!!
I'm coming down.
No, please, not yet.
I can feel it slipping away, like a good dream that I'm just waking up from. The harder I try and hold onto it, the further away it moves...until...it's gone.
Sometimes it's an amazing high...happier than ever, full of energy, loving life.
Sometimes it's a shitty high...cracked out on my ass, puking on the floor, upset and panicky. Who knows what shit they put in these cute innocent looking pills. How come I only seem to remember the good highs?
Sometimes the comedown isn't so bad...e-glow the next day makes everything seems more beautiful.
And sometimes I crash.
* * * * * *
I don't really know what point I'm making here, if I'm even making a point. The question I'm asking is, do we have a tendency to glorify our use of drugs? Do we only remember the good and forget all the damage it can do? Are we always changed for the better, are there not changes for the worse? I always wonder these things in the few days following a night of doing xtc...the days where I can feel more dead than alive. And I wonder, why am I doing this to myself? Maybe I should stop...but I always ALWAYS forget...until next time.
PLUR,
kimmy.
"And I don't wanna come back down from this cloud, it's taken me all this time to find out what I need."
[This message has been edited by *SWeeT-e* (edited 17 January 2000).]

 

[Vagrant]

as i dont think i can say anything but i sometimes feel exacly the same....infact right now, in my "after glow" i can understand.
somewhere sometime everything will be fine-!!!
An old Bush junkie
Vagrant

 

[Thestepper69]

All I can say to you Sweet-e is, stay positive. Acknowledge and accept the negativity as it comes to you, dont dwell, dwelling is BAAAAD. Sure, everyone feels all cracked out sometimes. In fact prolly a lot of the time doing e and then doing whatever else to stay up there almost always results in feeling like the crackhead who'll suck your dick for another hit (figuratively speaking). If you feel bad about what you're doing w/ your life, STOP doing that and do something that makes you happy. I dont think we are trying, per se, to glorify exstacy. We are merely sharing our experiences with it. I know how you feel tho, I have felt that way b4 too. I told myself, "steve your fucking your life away, gotta grab on to something and hang on". Its a bad feeling. Maybe you need to lighten up a little bit, on this topic neways. You could get married, have a kid, so then you would have an excuse not to do these things. You could sit at home, or a friends house every weekend and watch movies or reruns of your favorite show. You could go out to bars and join the drunk people and get loud and have a good time that way. There is a virtual universe of options to keep yourself occupied in this life. The only thing is, YOU have to make a choice. You make the choice every weekend to go and listen to awesome music, be with awesome people (your friends, and nice people you meet along the way), catch an awesome vibe, and do your drugs. If you need a change all you need to do is make a choice, simple isnt it? Ahhhhh, but not so simple. Here comes WILL POWER. BUM..ba..dum..DUM..DUUUUUMMMM. This is the real battle, w/ yourself. Either succomb to your weakness (pleasure), or help WILL POWER kick the shit out of pleasure

. Usually, I help pleasure kick the shit out of WILL POWER tho....for now at least....I am living my life and LOVIN IT!!!

. I think everyone gets these self guilt trips going at some point or another, its natural. Tho, we cant sit there and let pleasure and WILL POWER fight amongst themselves, we have to help one of them, or else we kick the shit outta ourselves, and thats not really very good. Well, I hope this helps you out.
LATER
PLUR
steve

 

[*SWeeT-e*]

2 days after doing xtc...
And I feel much better.

Thestepper69: what you are saying makes sense and thanx for your insight.
I think I need to clarify things a bit though:
In general, I am mostly content with my life, no it's not perfect, but I am getting by ok, like most people. When I'm in my right mind again I'm able to look at things clearly and rationally. I remember all the reasons why I love raving and I believe that my use of xtc and other drugs is under control.
My point in writing what I did really had no great significance, it didn't say something big about how I view my life right now: it was simply how I was feeling at the moment. Just some of those random negative thoughts that tend to pop into your head uninvited on the comedown off of e. You know, the ones that go, ohmygod I feel like shit, I'm never doing drugs again, EVER, they are evil.
Haven't we all said that at one point or another...then go do the same thing all over again.

Why? Cuz we love it, I guess. Ok, enough rambling for one day.
PLUR,
kimmy

 

[Skipp-E]

Great post!
It makes me remember the joys of rolling!
The comedown can be bad if you let it. Just reminisce on the joys of your roll and appreciate the drug for what it is!

Skipp-E