Social Why can't I get over being bullied?

[Dreamflyer]

I'm a man in my 50's who was badly bullied until my late teens. I was very skinny and rather unattractive, had a horrible speech impediment, and was just generally awkward.

I started to bloom around the age of 17, and my social life has been great ever since. By the time I was in my mid 20's I had a good job, a nice car, great friends, girlfriends, played in a band, got into bodybuilding, etc.

I know that I should just get over it, but I still have a lot of anger and insecurity over the way that I was treated for so many years. I feel as though I was cheated out of my entire childhood.

I always think that maybe I would have some closure if I could confront these people and get an apology, but I know that it's not practical. I haven't seen them in almost 40 years and wouldn't even know how to reach most of them.

I did recently reconcile with a woman who always made fun of me in high school, and we've actually become really good friends. I know that she's sorry for everything that she put me through, and she has nothing but compliments for me now.

I'm hoping that someday I'll be able to make peace with this.

Love and Peace,
Dreamflyer

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Bullying sucks man. I was abused from 5 up by my parents physically. Well my mom
Just didn’t do anything. My point in saying that is I akready had PTsD by the time I started puberty. I would freeze when bullied at school and it made it look like easy pickings but I just didn’t want to hurt anyone.

That said I’m 42 and still in therapy for it going on 8 years.

It’s rough sometimes. Keep your head up

 

[Delam]

I feel what you are saying. I'm 50 and still sit and feel angry occasionally about the way I was treated in high school by bullies. I was verbally and physically intimidated by older kids. I grew up in a traditional small town. I had hippie parents and was into heavy metal and then punk and skateboarding, so I always looked different which actually seemed to offend certain people. Part of me enjoyed standing out from a rebellious standpoint but I was generally a peaceful, mellow kid and just really wanted to be left alone to do my thing. The jock style older kids would physically and verbally intimidate me on a regular basis for no real reason other than I looked different to them: "who the fuck do you think you are ya little prick!" was commonplace and definitely had a negative impact upon the time I had growing up. As an adult I've become reasonably successful in life and have trained Brazilian jiu jitsu on and off for the last 18 years so tend to not feel physically intimidated by anyone anymore. I occasionally fantasize about bumping into some of them and 'bringing the pain' but I know in reality I couldn't do anything because of my job and what would it really achieve anyway? (apart from making me feel fucking awesome for a while).

I think the anger you feel for those people will never quite leave you but they say the best revenge is living well and it sounds like that is true in your case.

 

[Vanilla_Incense]

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. -Carl Jung

 

[deficiT]

Trauma doesn't magically dissipate, processing certain things is hard work. Cut yourself some slack, you are doing well for yourself.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

I'm a man in my 50's ...
I feel as though I was cheated out of my entire childhood.

I always think that maybe I would have some closure if I could confront these people and get an apology, but I know that it's not practical. I haven't seen them in almost 40 years and wouldn't even know how to reach most of them.

I did recently reconcile with a woman who always made fun of me in high school, and we've actually become really good friends. I know that she's sorry for everything that she put me through, and she has nothing but compliments for me now.

I'm hoping that someday I'll be able to make peace with this.

Love and Peace,
Dreamflyer

You were, bullying is officially abuse [physical/ mental/ emotional] .
Witnessed it happen at school, hated it seeing it happen,
They tried it on me too, but was suited as victim.

My excuses for what they did, i tried to stop these things a few times.
Happens on all schools. But direct verbal action, soon learned don t work.
As they always have a load of, tag-a long crowd [TLC]. [meelopers/ vazallen]
The offender seldom starts alone. But some do.

The TLC are equally accountable for it happening.
Outnumbering the exception opening his mouth for the victim.

Wonder how that reconcile went, who was the instigator ?
She had remorse, so that opens up room for conversation.
Quite rare something like that happens.

She must have been open for it,
might have been bothering her too for years.

Confronting offenders psychologically seen. Needs tactics.
Most when confronted would consider it blaming,
they might continue manipulating, do the offender- victim switch.
Don t expect apologies.

And would most likely automatically respond not as you would wish.
And instead of closing up a old conflict, your intention.
You end up with a extension, unresolved and disappointed.

I d if accidentally cross the path of my dentist [example]
Would i let him pass, no. I d confront him with what he did.
In the most neutral possible way, not by talking out a conflict.
He d probably: deny or pretend to have no memory of.

So Stoicism and Cynisme, maybe some more Philosophic tools.
Is what seems suited in such a cicumstance.

Anything that in a non offensive way will clean my mind.
And maybe mirror to him the results of his actions,.
But not gonna look him up. He/ she / they are not worth the effort.
Spend that time on yourself, your friends and your GF.
Fill it with as much as possible good times

Glad it stopped when you were near 20, 30 good years.
And your life been good since, nourish that.
You might still suffer from the Trauma though, have you considered that ?

Me no school trauma but, have those feelings to.
To my first NAZI dentist, one of my dr s, all mental health-care institutions,
the Police, social workers, landlords even my ex.

My ex, we share kids i confronted like you were contemplating.
With what she did, abuse. Satrted real noon offensive 1001 x.
Didn t work got straight to the point. Result another escalation,

' for her it felt like blaming/ not taking my response ability,
and continued manipulating, the offender- victim switch
[a simple effective manipulative tactic]

Felt even worse after, temporary lost contact with my kids.

My Trauma btw way started about when yours stopped.
So I was matured, stood strong like the state you describe your in now.
Time does make it lessen in intensity, it fades.

Is forgiving the answer ? Maybe, or time.

 

[-=SS=-]

I know that I should just get over it, but I still have a lot of anger and insecurity over the way that I was treated for so many years. I feel as though I was cheated out of my entire childhood.

Trauma is a fascinating subject, despite the inherent pain involved. I say this because it is one of many aspects of psychology that show up our modern psychology as an incomplete science.

Why is it that if thoughts are just 'mere thoughts' that a person can not simply choose to wish away these particular thoughts? Why do they persist and seem to hold their own gravity, especially when we recognize that they serve no productive purpose for us and actually conflict with our survival instinct - why would we willingly choose to punish ourselves beyond the initial punishment? The human body-mind is smart too, we don't brood over other fears like predation or falling from heights, natural occurrences that could cause death to which the body retains a programmed imprint in order to avoid such situations. I mean they are there, but we don't ruminate on them.

I always think that maybe I would have some closure if I could confront these people and get an apology, but I know that it's not practical.

I tend to think the opposite, unless the person apologizing has done some real work on themselves and can provide a true emotional connection beyond a superficial apology. I think emotional energy has a tremendous healing capacity, however in most cases I'm not sure one would really get the closure they really are after - would you have answers as to why the person acted the way they did in the first instance? They were probably perpetuating the chain of trauma themselves, having been slighted in some way in their own development.

Personally I feel the best course of action is to forgive yourself and turn the other cheek. No matter how unfortunate the trauma situation was, it was not your fault. Nor was it theirs either. I believe there is a hidden monkey in the room that profits off the perpetuation of the trauma, something I can't substantiate objectively but feel intuitively, and the only remedy is to shut the door by finding the ways to turn your [mental] head away from it.

In practical terms, that means accepting what you were at the time of the trauma - your awkwardness or what have you, was not your doing. It was/is also not you either, as evidenced by the fact you are here now and still fighting on (and doing well!). Perhaps your parents could have raised you better, or society more generally, but then we are back to the chicken and the egg scenario, dealing with other people who too are traumatized to some degree, but trying the best they can.

I think of a parallel example of an extended family member who suffered tremendous bereavement in her own family, losing both husband and son in a very short time span. She built a semi-identity around the grief itself, doing some noble social work in fact, but I couldn't quite help feel that this course of action was actually binding her further to the trauma she suffered. And that the best course of action, for her, would be instead to find a way to let it go. In your example, seeking the closure, this is part of 'the story' that is actually keeping you attached to these traumatic thought-forms. Similar to breakups, if we could 'just get some answers' as to why they acted the way they did, we might be satisfied.. but it will never undo the trauma itself. I could be wrong, but it feels like that seeking is part of the binding process, scratching the wound, when the sensible course of action is to tolerate the wound until it heals and have faith in yourself that you will be OK if you let it be.

 

[kris66]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've noticed it's hard to get past cruelty we experience as a child. Just know you are and were a beautiful person; the true problems were within the tormentors. Were they driven by a desire to feel superior to someone else? Jealousy?

A funny story . . . a girl in my 3rd grade class who was a straight A student (she always told me this) got a glimpse of my report card once and started ridiculing me for getting a "C" in social studies. I replied that a "C" meant average. She said, "Yes. But the average person is STUPID!"

I went home and told my mother that story and she laughed and laughed.

 

[Jeanpauldash]

If you don't hear electromagnetic sound torture I assume you have some option besides 20 forms of very long. Long. Long therapy sessions. (It takes too long)

 

[Jeanpauldash]

Trauma is a fascinating subject, despite the inherent pain involved. I say this because it is one of many aspects of psychology that show up our modern psychology as an incomplete science.

Why is it that if thoughts are just 'mere thoughts' that a person can not simply choose to wish away these particular thoughts? Why do they persist and seem to hold their own gravity, especially when we recognize that they serve no productive purpose for us and actually conflict with our survival instinct - why would we willingly choose to punish ourselves beyond the initial punishment? The human body-mind is smart too, we don't brood over other fears like predation or falling from heights, natural occurrences that could cause death to which the body retains a programmed imprint in order to avoid such situations. I mean they are there, but we don't ruminate on them.

How do you really know it's beyond the 'initial punishment', as far as I can tell the more trauma is inflicted upon a person the more they are aware it can happen again. As far as I can see it's not some Kool game to play to offer someone something better. If you have asked for something better on your own terms...then people pretend to offer it after traumatizing you for a long time then making a game out of it. And you're sat there and told you didn't want the help. How is it not them messing it up?

Anyway...I get told I reported a trauma to the wrong person all the goddamn time by people who as far as i understand are not on the same wave length as I am, which is character assassination for something they do not understand.

I get told sensitive people sit there and "choose trauma" even after plenty of evidence to the contrary. Sort of...I mean if I have to lie in the first place....it seems like they made my entire life that piece of shit room....where I asked for help and they said no and told me to live in constant trauma and then made a game out of it...I cannot imagine more of a worthless piece of shit experience....then making someone's entire life about the worst experience they ever had

Yeah Rachel I wanted to go cry in a closet over some piece of shit rape for rentist abusing me with his body. I really fucking desired it. It's my fault for human trafficking because your brilliant personality failed to help someone with only some piece of shit ruined life plan to work with.

Wellllllllllllll NO BUT I HAVE A BRRRRRIIILLLIANT PERSONALITY!!!!!

 

[Jeanpauldash]

 

[Jeanpauldash]

As far as I can tell that bitchs only job is to tell a bald person freezing to get a driving school job to jump off a bridge if they don't feel like being blamed by a rape for rentist. With the victims own parents

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Remember that there are more than 2 sides in things like bullying. If its in the past you truly gotta think and do something that helps you get out of the loop.