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why can i not get past this fu*'#ng addiction

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girlgone11

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2011
Messages
63
When I was 16 i was diagnosed with tri geminal neuralgia which caused me extreme pain so for 3 yrs i was on high doses of pain medication and anti seizure meds "neurotnin,baclofen",,"hydrocodone,oxycodone" and every day for 3yrs and i never got high i thought it just controlled my pain and i had no idea about addiction. Well i went into remission after year 3 and much to my shock i was extremely addicted " i was young and had never done any drugs and was very nieve " now 13 yrs later still struggling with it! Its so fucking depressing went on methadone "big mistake " then couldn't afford it so back to pills then recently on suboxone then couldn't afford it so back to pills! I know my husband hates my addiction though we rarely even talk about it i have 3 kids and without pills i feel like I'd never be able to get up, go do things for them at school, holidays, the list goes on. I just feel hopeless! Why can't i fucking kick this shit i don't know what the fuck to do anymore! Sorry for ranting on i just feel like someone might understand what I'm going thru i pray every day and i know i have to help my self and have will power or whatever but I'm just stuck God i hate this what I've done to myself and my family sorry so long, thanks bl for letting me get this off my chest.
 
First and foremost stop beating yourself up over it you may not really be aware what purpose the addiction is actually serving. But you should try to moderate it as much as possible imo and fight to be healthy. Lower doses of things maybe, exercise more, eat better, all the "simple things" as drug addicts we tend to not give a shit about. Start giving a shit about those things and you'll have less energy to give a shit about pills. Just keep yourself as healthy as possible. Protien is extremely important. How is your diet? Your life in general? Is your life preventing you from taking a leave of absence so to speak to go get cleaned up?
 
yes, protein is very important. YOu need all those amino acids to rebuild your neurotransmitters. L-tyrosine and dl-phenalalyne (DLPA) are probably your 2 best bets. I am in the same situation as yourself and it greatly speeds up the recovery phase and gets your dopamine flowing again.
 
Have you tried talking to other addicts? Online helps but maybe if you knew some people locally sharing the same struggle it would help. I kicked a decade and a half opiate habit just this past spring and after trying by myself and with suboxone it was talking to other addicts that got me out of the deep despair. For me that meant 12 stepping it but that is not the only way to find other addicts. I know how miserable life is living on pills. I hope things turn around for you, soon.
 
Hi girlgone11,

I'm so sorry about your experience, it sounds awful. People tend to forget that you can become addicted to opioids when taking them for pain as well as for fun.. how is your pain at the moment? Dealing with an opiate addiction on top of pain will be extra-tricky, so I hope that is under control..

You've already made a huge step, and that is admitting that you are addicted and wanting to get some help, so big congrats! :) I'm sorry to hear about the financial problems with methadone and suboxone, that really sucks.. do you have an understanding doctor? Is there any plan for tapering off your pain meds?

Don't apologise for having a rant! It's really good to talk about it, just to get it off your chest, don't bottle it up - and here is the place to do it - there are so many people who understand. You are NOT weak for not being able to kick this right now - it's an incredibly difficult thing, especially if you have both the physical dependence and a psychological adiction. And especially when you have a lot of responsiblities and stresses too, like having kids!

Do you have people you can talk to? You say your husband hates it - does he know you want to kick it, and how hard it is? What about friends and family? Have you seen a drugs counsellor? Addiction is a really hard thing to beat on your own, you are not weak for not managing it yet - you just need a little help I think. You already have the desire and determination to. I know it seems hopeless, but things will get better for you - you can't see it right now, but you can do this!

Sorry for the deluge of questions! Don't feel the need to directly answer them, hah.. I've got to shoot now, but here's a link from the Other Drugs forum that might help - Addicted and need help megathread - click here

Good luck - you sound like a strong and determined lady, with some help I am positive you can beat this :) <3
 
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Like others have said, don't beat yourself up about not being able to quit so far. It's not a measure of your worth that you haven't been able to quit, nor does it mean you'll never be able to. No matter how long you've been using or how many times you've quit, it doesn't mean you'll always be addicted. Quitting is never going to be easy, but keep trying. Every time you fail you can use it as a lesson to explore what went wrong, your thoughts prior to using, and the hurdles you faced along the way. Really, the more times you quit, the more practise you get, and the better chance you'll have getting off for good the next time around. You'll really begin to indentify how you feel during abstinence, what helps you during these times, and what doesn't. Everyone's quitting journey is different but once you become familiar with what you'll feel during withdrawal and beyond, the less scary and daunting it becomes. Most fear is fear of the unknown, after all.
 
Thank you all for your support! I'm taking it one hour at a time its just so damn scary thank u all!!!
 
hey girlgone, the hour at a time approach has worked for me. Soon enough 2 hours turns to 5, 5 hours turns to 12 and before you know it, the discomfort starts getting more tolerable. A trick I used was to tell myself 'no matter what I am NOT using. No matter fucking what.'

Its difficult but the pain only has to be experienced once. After that it becomes a matter of learning how to live life without the substance(s).
 
I got hooked after gastric bypass. They messed up when they did it I almost died. I ended up being prescribed pain meds. Lots and lots, more and more. I took them for the pain (so i thought) but I quickly found out I was addicted. I have tried everything and have been clean and relapsed many times. I finally went back to suboxon and have stayed sober 7months. It gives me enough pain relief to handle the rest my self and it also gives me a feeling that I still take pills which I like. Im understanding if you can't afford it because I have had that same issue. So if its not a option I think you should try to slowly take less and less of your pills. Find what you can tollerate, the lowest possible does. I would take ox over vic any day becasue the ox offers a more stable main relief and you can't abuse it if you take it like normal. I find vic is to unreliable and that I take way to many when I use it.

So just try to take a little as you can and find what works for you maybe 12steps, maybe a out patient care or maybe even a detox or something. for me I needed a 3month program (often times these are free) Don't give up and don't get upset. Its not easy to quit when you have real pain I understand I really do. But everyone has pain. You need to except that you can't feel good all the time. Plus pain pills will put a wall between you and your kids and your husband. Its not worth it long term. Just keep trying ok. PM me if you want to talk.
 
Girlgone, the one hour at a time thing is something I have used before, and it really does work! Nothing is going to take away all the unpleasantness, but it definitely makes it easier to cope with it! How are you doing now? Do you have any help or support? xxsicknessxx makes some really great suggestions for how to get on top of this - I know it's hard when you can't afford Suboxone but there may well be free options, and I really think you need the support of a counsellor or a 12 step programme.

How are you doing now? <3
 
Well I got back on oxy finally told my mom and that was hard but she offers to help me,withdrawal so I did and I lasted 4 days of absolute hell i wished i was dead i couldn't do it ...failure again and i went and got back on suboxone i feel so low i can't believe its come to this
 
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