Where did I go wrong?

[Nozphexezora]

So here I am yet again - sitting behind the confines of my computer room. As the expression goes; "Same shit, different day." That summarises my life in a nutshell. I'm not sure where I turned wrong, or if I even went the wrong direction in life in the first place. I do feel, though, that my life is slowly failing - step by step. I'll try and detail my life chronologically, so you have an understanding of my background and, hopefully, you could enlighten me as to why I am like this now.
My childhood wasn't bad at all. I went through a pretty bad time when my parents divorced, but I didn't think much of it at the time honestly. I figured it happened to everybody. I saw my Dad literally kick my Mother out of the house the night they divorced, and my Dad was batshit crazy for a long time up until recently due to that divorce. He kept being sent in and out of hospitals, and apparently he started drinking heavily. Of course, I didn't know that at the time, so I can't see how it affected me much. I think I had a good childhood.My Dad was a good Dad, despite his somewhat human failings, and the same goes with my Mum (I now live with her). Anyway, I kept going back and forth between my Mum and Dad, until I finally moved in with my Mum to stay in grade 7. Of course, I had to change schools, and I met a lot of nice people. During the end of the year, though, my friends got sick of me (they literally said that to my face, claiming that my jokes were 'boring') and I never saw them again - until later in my life.
I moved schools again in order to move into High school. This was a relatively small school, and I got to meet some nice friends. Not much really happened until Grade 10, my final year there. During this grade, I experimented with my first drug - marijuana (shock, horror!). Anyway, I did enjoy it, and I tried alcohol that same year. Because my friends hated drug use at that time, they became more distant from me. Not only that, but I would have people harass me and abuse me verbally and so forth - one of the people even went to the extent of physically abusing me at one point, despite the fact that he was supposedly a devoted 'Christian'. Anyway, I still kept connected with 2 or 3 of my friends from there, and the rest of them ignored me because they thought my drug use was wrong.
I moved schools (to a very large school) yet again to finish Grade 11 and 12. These years were probably the worst years of my life, and I feel as though everything really went to shit now, despite my vague academic success and good state of living. I don't mean to sound like a big sook, or anything, I appreciate my state of living. But I cant help but feel like I'm stuck in a dark well of loneliness and no sense of direction after the following years. In grade 11 I met another new person, and we became good friends. By this time I was occasionally using methylphenidate and marijuana, along with alcohol, all with my brother. It wasn't any thing significant. I also met a very smart individual who became friends with me quickly as well, so I had 2 good friends- i was happy at this school, as per usual.
Unfortunately, my first friend (let's call him M) stopped talking to me after the end of Grade 11. He ended up getting a girlfriend who was really crude to me whenever I talked to M. However, M told me he wanted to 'be cool', so he made friends with a lot of other people who I just didn't get along with. However, I still had my other trusty friend, who I will call 'L'. During the midyear of Grade 12, L became very suicidal and I talked him out of it eventually. I was there with him all the time, and I swear to god I tried to help him. He did eventually get over it. However, he stopped seeing me at school entirely and I spent all of my lunch hours looking around for him. Eventually, after a few weeks of rarely seeing him I never talked to him again. Just Bam, he stopped talking to me and he found new friends. Throughout the final months of my year I spent my lunch hours with my head in my arms just to stay away from every kid at that school. I was so put down at that school it was ridiculous, I even gave up the motivation to read and I moved on to experiment with other drugs, including codeine and DXM. When I graduated from the hellhole, nobody said goodbye or goodluck to me; i wasn't included in anything during the graduation ceremony other than collecting my certificate.
I got accepted into University and decided to do bachelor of Arts after this. Now, i thought i'd change and try and meet new friends. During the holidays, however, I got my driving license and consequently got caught up to a codeine and Poppy tea addiction - I was taking it everyday for a few months. I haven't made any friends yet in University; I got close, but she started talking to other people who I just can't build the courage to talk to unless I'm on MDMA or something similar. I've always leaned on my Brother as my greatest friends, because he was always there with me. I was mistaken when I went to visit him, only to be kicked out of his house unexpectedly. It was then that I realised that my Brother is just an idiot who never really cared about me - he stole money from me to buy drugs and now he keeps lying to his family, and he doesn't even care about his own daughter.
Basically, I'm stuck in this well again. I hardly ever attend University lectures just because my mind recoils in horror upon walking near groups of people - for fear that they're staring at me with a look of accusation. Recently I started hanging out with two of my old friends from Grade 10, but they unexpectedly abandoned me when I organised a nice get together for them (they complained that there weren't many people coming, and instead spent time with other people- despite me organising this 2 weeks prior), and I found out that - like everybody else I've met around my age - they just wanted to be popular. I've started my codeine and Poppy tea abuse again, and I have to steal money from my parents to pay for it because I require around a 1G (gram) of codeine to get the high. I've asked so many people if they just want to hang out, and I've even offered them free mdma to guarantee a fun night with me - but they still refuse.
Anyway, I'd like to just ask why people don't want to hang around me? Nobody knows about my codeine habit, and I only offer drugs to people I KNOW use drugs. I just don't know what to do. It's so fucking lonely, and I'm always contemplating suicide because I'm a disgrace to my family and I won't accomplish anything with this Arts Degree. My Mum won't let me see a psychiatrist, which is reasonable seeing as how it costs so much. But I just want to get to know somebody who actually cares about me, rather than just treating me as 'another friend'; it's a trend that has become so virulent these days that I just don't know where to look or what to do in order to find a real friend who won't abandon me like everybody else has. Is it even possible with people my age (17)? I don't know, I'd love to hear some advice. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

 

[blahman8000]

I read your post, and a lot of it sounded a lot like me when I was your age. First, yes, a lot of people around 17 years old get caught up in superficial motives and are selective about the company they keep for all the wrong reasons. That's a big part of being a teenager, and can definitely be a bummer for genuine and smart people like you. But trust me, it passes. You WILL meet people who appreciate you for who you are. And you won't need to offer them free drugs. You seem very articulate and I'm sure there are tons of people who would love to chill with you. It's just a pain in the ass to find them in your situation right now.

Question: Do you have a job right now? That might be a good place to start. Since you're young, you don't need to worry about finding a "good" job or making a lot of money. I remember when I was in your position, working a simple shit job like McDonald's was a fucking god send to me, because you're in a situation where you ARE going to be talking to people, and it's much less uncomfortable, even if you're shy, because you're in a coordinated social situation (as opposed to an uncoordinated situation, such as just standing around in a crowd wondering how to strike up a conversation or meet up with someone). Honestly, most of my social life was built around low-wage jobs working with all kinds of different people that aren't organized into cliques and exclusive little groups. Hell, when I was 16, 17 years old and working at a fast food restaurant, I started out quiet as hell and made practically no effort to make friends. It just happened before you're stuck in a common small area and you've got the same situation and you're not surrounded by a thousand people like in school where popularity and social status is a competition.

It sucks that your mom won't let you see a psychiatrist/psychologist because I think it could really help you out. Have you really sat down and explained all of this to her? I'm sure she cares about you a lot and wants to see you happy. If she really can't afford it, there must be other ways of finding help. You do sound depressed, and kinda down on yourself. And not to make a judgment, but it sounds like you're using drugs to cope with loneliness, which really isn't going to help in the long run. Anyone here will tell you. It's a quick fix that will eventually consume you without letting you ever address the real issue. I'm not "against" drugs, but they're clearly not helping you make any friends (in fact you've lost a few because of them), and it certainly doesn't seem to be making you feel better in the long run. I don't mean to give some anti-drug lecture but there's a time when they just get in the way.

 

[JimSteele]

^^ I agree with blahman 100%-- When i was 15 or 16, I started working in the footwear department of a sporting goods store. I had little desire to interact with my coworkers, all of whom were around the same age. Over time, it became impossible not to interact with them. We were "in the trenches" together, delighting in each others respective torments of our douchebag manager. I am now 26, and we still drop each other lines on Facebook to this day-- which is MUCH more than i can say about some of my so called "friends" from high school.

I know exactly how you feel in terms of feeling alienated from others at University. I know that many others feel that this is a time where friendships abound and everyone is cool with everyone, that is simply not the case for many of us. My classes were small-- 20-30 people, and still i felt intense anxiety just sitting through a class. I would come in early to guarantee a spot in the back, id wear a hat, wouldn't speak a word the entire time, and would dart out the door as soon as class ended. And classes that required participation? I was HORRIFIED.


Here is my advice, which is based on my experience:

-FORCE yourself to hang out in social settings, no matter how painful this sounds (I joined a kickball league lol)
-When your anxious thoughts begin to race in social settings, come up with a way to distract yourself (Speaking the lyrics to your favorite song, etc.)
-Make small talk with people. (I found that small talk helped me learn to interact with others---knowing that i wasn't trying to become best friends with the person made the burden of interacting much easier)
-Dont try and force friendships. (Re: offering MDMA to others)
-Act confidently, even if that means feigning confidence.
-Show up to stuff (respond to solicitations for volunteers, participants, etc)
-Eat at the university cafeteria all by yourself. (Then, make small talk with the person who asks to join you).
-NEVER turn down an invitation (like in that movie Yes Man haha")
-Dont go asking people what their plans are-- instead, contact them with a plan or idea.
-Is there anything that you are passionate about? Attend a seminar or class on it. (I took a film editing class).
-Join a dating website, go on some dates. Don't think about finding a partner. Just put yourself out there. At the very least, it will help you confidence.
-FInally, not to lecture you, but please avoid using drugs to deal with social anxiety. Ive been down that road. All it did was set me back.


Life gets better. It really does. As you get older, social status and popularity fade away-- its beautiful really. I know that all the shit that recommended probably seems absolutely painful to undertake-- but thats what it took to break me out of my shell. You're 17 and from what I've read, seem like an intelligent person who is extremely able of expressing himself. Those people who don't want to hang around you? Well fuck em! ( i know, easer said than done, but thats the mentality that i used, and it was quite liberating). You can manage this! Oh and to answer your question--- YOU DID NOT GO WRONG!

 

[Nozphexezora]

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I have a job at McDonald's. I've had one for around 2 years now, and it's only helped to some extent. During the Holidays I was invited to their parties alot, and it was enjoyable. But now they don't invite me to anything, and I always hear them inviting eachother to the event right in front of me. I'm going to quit the job anyway; not because nobody invites me to anything, but mainly because of my hours. I honestly forced myself to these social situations, such as meeting my friends who I haven't talked to for about 2 years. Apparently we hit it off, but I was devastated when they didn't show up. One of their girlfriends was apparently coming to that event I organised the other week, but instead she told me she was 'sick'; although, riddled through her entire Facebook was her blatantly hanging around other people. I just found that downright insulting, because I spent a lot of time for those people and they didn't give one fuck about me. I'm not sure what my interests are. During high school I loved reading heavy literature, that's why I'm doing Philosophy and English Literature majors in University (yes, I know they won't get me any jobs but I wanted to learn something that at least I thought I would enjoy). However, nobody is really in the same line of interests as I am. Nobody wants to sit down and ponder the questions of life with me during their fucking lunch break; instead I'm left by myself to think all day long, and it really drives me mad sometimes when I become aware of this.
Also, I'm not sure whether it's really relevant or not, but I can talk much easier to older people. I don't know why, but I can. Teenagers just seem so intimidating.

 

[DexterMeth]

@Noz: I'll leave this short and simple for now. Start going to NA/AA meetings. They are free, often better than seeing a psychiatrist, and you will meet very sincere and understanding people in the same boat.

 

[Daddyo]

Well here is an old guy in his sixties replying to your comments ... yes I understand when you say that you can talk easier to older people .. lots of young guys have said that to me . .. so you are not the only one ... I agree with what everyone else has said .. but I want to emphasize how important getting a good education is for you. You mentioned that you hardly ever attend university lectures now. Just think of yourself and what career you want. Changes courses if necessary, but hang in there and GO to your lectures and PASS your exams!!! Don't let how others treat you get in the way of what you WANT for yourself.

 

[DexterMeth]

^Solid advice.

 

[herbavore]

When I was young, I sought out friendships with older people. Now I am fifty eight and I have tons of young friends, middle aged friends and older friends. One of the best things that ever happened to me was befriending an older woman, a neighbor, when I was 19 (she was 82!). We had great conversations about the world, politics and philosophy; they went much further than those with my peers simply because she had so much more real life experience than my peers and me. People (of any age) worry about image too much when they are only with peers.

Why do you consider yourself a disgrace to your family? I doubt this is true even though you may be feeling lost and unmotivated right now. Your degree is not necessarily as useless as you are projecting either. If you yourself have ceased to feel passion for it however, then you need to explore something else.

It really sounds to me that you are feeling the depression that comes with experiencing shallow relationships, external expectations about success and a general disconnect from anything that has meaning to you. IMO the main job of youth is to figure out what does have meaning for you. No one else can do that for you. Seeing a counselor rather than a psychiatrist would be helpful for you maybe. Most schools offer counseling and they are experienced in the issues you are dealing with. This is not an easy time and I hope that you can find your way to some companionship soon. In the mean time try to stay away from drugs that just mask the depression temporarily--that can only make things worse.

 

[Nozphexezora]

I've tried to quit drugs but it's not so easy. They're like the company which nobody else offers, particularly the opiates. I'm a failure to my family because of these drugs. If my Mum found out I was extracting 70-80 pills to get high she would literally kick me out of the house and cease all communication with me. However, it doesn't bother me so much because their knowledge of drug-use is a bit biased, and mainly influenced by the inherent fact that they're strictly illegal in Australia. Thanks for the advice, Dexter-, Daddyo and herbavore.

 

[slackhands]

Sounds like you're doing your best. Fuck everyone else man, do what you want, we're all behind you on here (But if you're stealing money to fund your habbt, you need to stop asap)