Mental Health Where can I rant?

[DeathIndustrial88]

I've had severe depression most of my life.

In the last few years, it has started manifesting as being constantly tired, aches & pains, no energy, falling asleep randomly.

I have extensive history with drugs, both prescribed & illicit. I can practically tell a doctor what will work & what won't work at this point, because I've been on all of it.

I told my doctor that I think a stimulant is my only other option for help.

My doctor tried to put me on modafinil/armodafinil.

My insurance won't cover it and after calling them 5,000 times and playing phone tag with everyone, they said they won't cover it until I have a sleep study done.

I tried to get in contact with a GP to see him about depression & getting a sleep study done and it has been rescheduled on me from jan 3rd, then to the 4th, then to the 17th, and now on the 20th.

And who knows how long it'll be, before I can get in to do a sleep study.

My doctor refuses to switch to a different stimulant that doesn't require a sleep study first.

I feel like I cannot wait any longer & have been having crying spells (yes, I'm a dude, fuck you) because it's getting too frustrating.

I dunno what else to do for help.

Our healthcare in this country is fucked up. Not only that, but so is the drug war, that tells me I'm a criminal if I choose to medicate with a "controlled" substance.

Any one have any advice on how to deal with insurance or what else I can do?

I've been taking ephedrine, daily, for a year almost now, which cannot be healthy & it no longer helps & I don't even wanna take it, but I feel like I have no other options when it comes to stimulants anymore, unless I start medicating from the street again, which I did not wanna have to do. I can drink a pound of caffeine and still pass out.

I feel like my only options for depression relief would be getting on a full agonist opioid, so that I get my energy back.
Or a stimulant.

And neither one of these options is available for me.

Nothing else works. Not SSRI's, not mood stabilizers, not antipsychotics. I've tried it all and in fact I'm still having eyelid twitches from the last AP I tried months ago. I refuse to take anymore of these crap psychiatric medicines. I believe they have fucked me up more.

I am at my wits end and so angry right now. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I'd get depression relief from the streets before I'd get any through our actual "health care" system.
Bullshit.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Amen, brother. That's exactly the way I feel about our non healthcare system right now. The whole atmosphere has changed. We can no longer get the meds that ACTUALLY worked as God forbid we might take an extra one. We went from a bunch of happy healthy people to a sad and depressed society because no one can access the working meds anymore and are forced to go to the street. It's nothing but jump through the hoops and if you do these 10 things first we MIGHT get you a script. Then if they do the insurance company steps in and says no can do.

The frustration level is beyond maddening. I screwed myself because I abused my scripts and that's on me. I have also given the street more than my fair share. It's not a good place to be when we need meds and can't access them. Desperate people do desperate things and it just doesn't help matters at all when we have to break the law and deal in the alleys to get some relief.

I feel for ya man, I really do. I think I also know where your mind is going and which particular drug you might be contemplating. And when we put people in these positions is it any wonder that's what happens. Stay strong, man.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Thank you Nurse Ratched.

Yes,im sure you know where my mind is going. It's a terrible idea, not so much because of the drugs themselves, but because it's just not how I want to do it and any legal issues would just compound everything.

Ontop of this, my boyfriend/roommate just randomly walked in here and said to me "I don't think this is gonna work out, so you should just mind your own business & I'll mind mine" today.

No clue where this is coming from, but glad he let me know this today after living with him for a year.

Of course this was after me getting him a valentines day gift early, saying he'd help me with some upcoming things and him already knowing what I'm dealing with.
Now I'm sure he won't help with any of those things and my money was wasted.

So now I may have to abandon my healthcare altogether and uproot myself and find somewhere to live.

It's exhausting. Does it ever end?

I feel like everything is falling apart. But I'm sure I'm not alone or the only one dealing with it.

Thanks for listening Nurse, it matters more than I can show in words, so thank you.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Jesus, not only going through a health crisis but getting your heart broken too. I am so sorry.

I thought you were a man ( isn't that odd how we just assume something because of ones writing style ) . Not that it makes a bit of difference what gender you are it's just nice to know that I should say " Amen, Sister" and " stay strong woman."

I know shit sucks right now but it will get better. I know that sounds so cliche but I have found it to be true.

 

[Skorpio]

I always find bad events cluster up. Especially when interpersonal stuff is involved. I've got no idea why, just seems like another joke the universe is playing.

Do you think ephedrine could hold you until the sleep study? I know it is kind of uncomfortable (i probably have used it more than any other stimulants this past year due to its legality too), and you seem to be losing the good effects, but would it make things better to remain for a few weeks and then reconsider your plan if the system keeps fucking you over?

I am deeply sorry about your boyfriend/roommate. I have never had to deal with a breakup and housing instability at the same time; my heart goes out to you rn.

If you want to vent to me whenever, my pms are open. I don't know if i will give good advice or anything actionable, but i can listen.

Be well,

Skorpio

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Jesus, not only going through a health crisis but getting your heart broken too. I am so sorry.

I thought you were a man ( isn't that odd how we just assume something because of ones writing style ) . Not that it makes a bit of difference what gender you are it's just nice to know that I should say " Amen, Sister" and " stay strong woman."

I know shit sucks right now but it will get better. I know that sounds so cliche but I have found it to be true.

Lol I am a guy.
I just date other guy's unfortunately. Kinda wish I didn't cause I'd prolly fall in love with you, Nurse Ratched.
Playing, but for real.

Thank you for so much for letting me vent.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I always find bad events cluster up. Especially when interpersonal stuff is involved. I've got no idea why, just seems like another joke the universe is playing.

Do you think ephedrine could hold you until the sleep study? I know it is kind of uncomfortable (i probably have used it more than any other stimulants this past year due to its legality too), and you seem to be losing the good effects, but would it make things better to remain for a few weeks and then reconsider your plan if the system keeps fucking you over?

I am deeply sorry about your boyfriend/roommate. I have never had to deal with a breakup and housing instability at the same time; my heart goes out to you rn.

If you want to vent to me whenever, my pms are open. I don't know if i will give good advice or anything actionable, but i can listen.

Be well,

Skorpio

Yeah it's like when one bad thing happens, a whole series of bad things comes right after.

Today's been one hell of a day. Although I feel like I've been living this day on repeat for a long time.



Yeah unfortunately I'll probably keep taking ephedrine until the sleep study, only because I have that "need" that I need to take something to wake me up. Although I find the ephedrine can actually make me even more tired at times.

I worry about what the ephedrine is doing to my heart. I've told my doctor all about this too but she didn't really have anything to say about it.

I rarely go past 50mg of epehedrine a day though. But I do notice a lot of constriction in my legs & unfortunately the effects I get from it dont' do as much as say a DRI or releaser would unfortunately, but it's the only "legal" thing out there.


I will definitely hit you up Skorpio. I'm very thankful for everyone's time here. I appreciate it.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Amen, Brother !! And i love gay men. have all my life. I always felt comfortable around them as they were real and not phony. And of course there is no sexual tension so I could always just have fun and be myself.

Stay strong, brother. I'm going to bet ya that this won't be your last love lost. It will hurt for awhile but I don't see you being alone. Just a vibe.

 

[Classicirishrose]

I've had severe depression most of my life.

In the last few years, it has started manifesting as being constantly tired, aches & pains, no energy, falling asleep randomly.

I have extensive history with drugs, both prescribed & illicit. I can practically tell a doctor what will work & what won't work at this point, because I've been on all of it.

I told my doctor that I think a stimulant is my only other option for help.

My doctor tried to put me on modafinil/armodafinil.

My insurance won't cover it and after calling them 5,000 times and playing phone tag with everyone, they said they won't cover it until I have a sleep study done.

I tried to get in contact with a GP to see him about depression & getting a sleep study done and it has been rescheduled on me from jan 3rd, then to the 4th, then to the 17th, and now on the 20th.

And who knows how long it'll be, before I can get in to do a sleep study.

My doctor refuses to switch to a different stimulant that doesn't require a sleep study first.

I feel like I cannot wait any longer & have been having crying spells (yes, I'm a dude, fuck you) because it's getting too frustrating.

I dunno what else to do for help.

Our healthcare in this country is fucked up. Not only that, but so is the drug war, that tells me I'm a criminal if I choose to medicate with a "controlled" substance.

Any one have any advice on how to deal with insurance or what else I can do?

I've been taking ephedrine, daily, for a year almost now, which cannot be healthy & it no longer helps & I don't even wanna take it, but I feel like I have no other options when it comes to stimulants anymore, unless I start medicating from the street again, which I did not wanna have to do. I can drink a pound of caffeine and still pass out.

I feel like my only options for depression relief would be getting on a full agonist opioid, so that I get my energy back.
Or a stimulant.

And neither one of these options is available for me.

Nothing else works. Not SSRI's, not mood stabilizers, not antipsychotics. I've tried it all and in fact I'm still having eyelid twitches from the last AP I tried months ago. I refuse to take anymore of these crap psychiatric medicines. I believe they have fucked me up more.

I am at my wits end and so angry right now. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that I'd get depression relief from the streets before I'd get any through our actual "health care" system.
Bullshit.

You should go to cpap.com they have a sleep study test that you can do at home and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than going through your regular doctor and it is a credible test that should be accepted everywhere

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I knew i was right about your writing style !

 

[arrall]

That sounds like a lot and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with all of this. Dealing with getting mental health treatment/medication, relationship issues, and housing instability all fucking suck on their own, let alone the combination of having to deal with the three all at once. Like Skorpio and Nurse Ratched, I'm also here for you if you need anything and my PMs are always open.

. Although I find the ephedrine can actually make me even more tired at times.

Considering that you've said stimulants like ephedrine and coffee make you tired and that stimulants work best for treating your depression, have you considered getting tested for ADHD? It's at least worth taking a free online test to see if it's worth bringing the possibility up to a doctor. Getting the testing is a lot harder for adults than for teenagers/children in many places due to stigma, but once you get the diagnosis it will probably be drastically easier to get a script for some Dexedrine/Adderall/Vyvanse/Mydayis/etc or the methylphenidate equivalents.

Another quick suggestion: Have you considered getting therapy/counselling (assuming your insurance covers it and/or there is a free non-profit therapy service located where you live)? It can be very helpful to have a professional to talk to when dealing with this kind of stuff.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Amen, Brother !! And i love gay men. have all my life. I always felt comfortable around them as they were real and not phony. And of course there is no sexual tension so I could always just have fun and be myself.

Stay strong, brother. I'm going to bet ya that this won't be your last love lost. It will hurt for awhile but I don't see you being alone. Just a vibe.

My best friends have always been women!!

I had a really close friend that I hung out with every day for years.

Until me & my mother got kicked out of our apartment last November.

My mom was going through cancer treatment at the time and all of my other family was in other states and I was left to take care of a lot of it.
Because I have too many mental health issues of my own, it got to be a hassle and we took getting kicked out as a blessing for new beginnings.

My mom went to live with a sister in Wisconsin and I moved in with my ex/bf/roommate, whatever he is.
We have been off & on for years, so unfortunately this whole charade isn't new.
We have been staying in separate bedrooms since October.
He has some kind of schizo problem & can be a really big asshole.

Unfortunately because of my depression & mental health problems, I don't have the means, income or ability to just up and move into my own place.
And I think he knows this and takes advantage of it in order to treat me like dirt some times.

And my mom ended up passing away on Mother's Day of last year. It was unexpected. She had actually been in remission once and was beating her cancer again.
But apparently diverticulitis and constipation is what ended up killing her.

I lived with my mom for 32 years (I know, I'm a loser, but I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything). And I'm pretty lost without her now.


I really wish I was sexually attracted to women though. lol I've had so women friends in my life and every time they'd have a few drinks, I'd hear the whole (insert my name) if you were straight, I'd totally fuck you right now". Always telling me how hot I am, etc.. lol

Men on the other hand, from my bfs to my father, to my step father, have not been as kind.
Finding meaningful relationships is incredibly difficult to do as a gay guy.

I'd bet we'd be great pals if we hung in real life. Maybe.
I try to be as kind as possible and I had the whole "southern politeness" thing beaten into me plenty of times as a kid. lol
I respect anyone that respects me & I really try not to take for granted the relationships I have with my family or friends, as they're all I've got.

I will try and keep my head up, though it is getting tougher by the day (literally, falling asleep all the time! lol).
Cheers Nurse!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

That sounds like a lot and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with all of this. Dealing with getting mental health treatment/medication, relationship issues, and housing instability all fucking suck on their own, let alone the combination of having to deal with the three all at once. Like Skorpio and Nurse Ratched, I'm also here for you if you need anything and my PMs are always open.


Considering that you've said stimulants like ephedrine and coffee make you tired and that stimulants work best for treating your depression, have you considered getting tested for ADHD? It's at least worth taking a free online test to see if it's worth bringing the possibility up to a doctor. Getting the testing is a lot harder for adults than for teenagers/children in many places due to stigma, but once you get the diagnosis it will probably be drastically easier to get a script for some Dexedrine/Adderall/Vyvanse/Mydayis/etc or the methylphenidate equivalents.

Another quick suggestion: Have you considered getting therapy/counselling (assuming your insurance covers it and/or there is a free non-profit therapy service located where you live)? It can be very helpful to have a professional to talk to when dealing with this kind of stuff.

Thanks friend!

Yeah I have asked about getting tested for it but no doctor has gone through with it or scheduled me for any testing.

I do think I had some issues that were unfortunately overlooked growing up.

I had A's, B's, C's all the way up until about 7th grade.
Then I just couldn't concentrate anymore. Every day in school was me daydreaming about something else.
I'd read something and not even know what I just read.

I ended up repeating 8th grade twice & by this time was already using drugs & eventually I just quit altogether in 10th grade.


I do know that stimulants can be prescribed off-label for depression and what not.
I have a sibling who gets methylphenidate for "focus" and depression. |

I'm sure my insurance would have covered it if it were generic amphetamine, concerta, methylphenidate, anything other than modafinil/armodafinil.
But my doctor refused to switch to anything else.


I do have a therapist & have seen many over the years. Last time I talked to him though, he was trying to tell me I should try ginko. *eye roll*, which tells me he doesn't grasp the severity of how bad my depression is when I say I can't even get out of bed or stay awake an entire day.

This may be unpopular opinion, but I find most therapists utterly useless. I mean they're great if you need some one to talk to, but they can't physically adjust my wellbeing like a medicine can.
Unfortunately I feel like most doctors or healthcare don't really care or they'll just see me as drug seeking.

I do take other meds too, including buprenorphine and clonazepam. So I'm sure this doesn't look good to most doctors, but I know my body and chemistry better than most and know what helps. But stigmas & arbitrary rules are keeping me from at least enhancing the quality of my life with a medicine. I dunno what else to do anymore.

Most healthcare professionals seems to be under the impression that my depression can be "cured" if I just "do this" or "take this", which tells me even after years and years of telling them what is going on with me, that they're still not grasping how severe this is for me & that I've been dealing with this on & off for my entire life, so there probably will never be a "cure". But I can use medicines in the tools in the mean time and I'm okay with that. Even if it means having a dependence on an addictive substance. It beats the hell out of feeling terrible every day.

I've been considering trying to find ketamine therapy or psilocybin therapy, anything. But no luck.

Why my doctor just won't go with concerta/ritalin/amphetamines which would most likely get covered, is beyond me. Maybe she thinks she's helping me by not doing so, but from what I've read, the modafinil & armodafinil end up acting almost just like methylphenidate when it comes to DRI. So I imagine if she switched to a different stimulant, it would get covered, but she doesn't want to. I bet it could even be prescribed off-label and still be covered (although I've never been prescribed a stimulant, so I guess maybe I don't know how it would work).
I appreciate all of your responses! So much!!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

We can't help who we love, can we? If a man makes your heart throb that's just the way it has to be. To thine own self be true. And you bet your sweet ass we would be friends in real life because you have a very good aura surrounding you. I can tell by the way you write and the words you use. I pick up on those kinds of things.

So terribly sorry about your Mom. Mine is 88 and i am going to be crushed and lost when she leaves the earth. She is in good health now but one never knows. I absolutely DO NOT think you are a loser for living with her. I think it's wonderful and I know she was super glad to have you there with her.

Does your mental state preclude you from working? Have you applied for disability based on your issues? I know how hard it can be to change your life when the money just isn't there for rent and utilities. Not trying to be too personal but I know that you yearn to have a place of your own. With maybe a little kitty cat.

And yes.........please keep your head up.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

You should go to cpap.com they have a sleep study test that you can do at home and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than going through your regular doctor and it is a credible test that should be accepted everywhere

Seriously?

Hmm. I'll have to check this out! I wonder if insurance would take it as evidence though?

We can't help who we love, can we? If a man makes your heart throb that's just the way it has to be. To thine own self be true. And you bet your sweet ass we would be friends in real life because you have a very good aura surrounding you. I can tell by the way you write and the words you use. I pick up on those kinds of things.

So terribly sorry about your Mom. Mine is 88 and i am going to be crushed and lost when she leaves the earth. She is in good health now but one never knows. I absolutely DO NOT think you are a loser for living with her. I think it's wonderful and I know she was super glad to have you there with her.

Does your mental state preclude you from working? Have you applied for disability based on your issues? I know how hard it can be to change your life when the money just isn't there for rent and utilities. Not trying to be too personal but I know that you yearn to have a place of your own. With maybe a little kitty cat.

And yes.........please keep your head up.

Absolutely!
I am going to PM you Nurse.

 

[arrall]

I do think I had some issues that were unfortunately overlooked growing up.

I had A's, B's, C's all the way up until about 7th grade.
Then I just couldn't concentrate anymore. Every day in school was me daydreaming about something else.
I'd read something and not even know what I just read.

I unfortunately can relate to this. Straight As in grade 9 and in the 'academic' subjects (Math, English, Science) throughout middle and elementary school. Some subjects I just couldn't pay attention in and had major issues with my teachers. I got diagnosed at 6 but it went untreated until 16 after a year or two of trying to get on meds. I kept telling doctors and my parents that I couldn't pay attention in class, but nobody gave a fuck until I got depressed and started failing classes.

It sounds like you do have ADHD. Try to really stress the importance of getting tested and explain why you have it. Take some online tests such as this one and maybe show your doctor the results saying to go get assessed by a mental health professional if nothing else works. Worst comes to worst, are you able to switch doctors?

I do have a therapist & have seen many over the years. Last time I talked to him though, he was trying to tell me I should try ginko. *eye roll*, which tells me he doesn't grasp the severity of how bad my depression is when I say I can't even get out of bed or stay awake an entire day.

This may be unpopular opinion, but I find most therapists utterly useless. I mean they're great if you need some one to talk to, but they can't physically adjust my wellbeing like a medicine can.
Unfortunately I feel like most doctors or healthcare don't really care or they'll just see me as drug seeking.

I can understand that and that therapist sounds pretty dumb. A lot of doctors can be quite judgemental, and many therapists just aren't great at their jobs. I personally went through many mediocre/bad and even malicious therapists before finding my current one. Finding someone specialized in certain therapies like CBT/DBT for depression or EMDR/SE/etc. if you have trauma can help you find someone who's the right fit.

Most healthcare professionals seems to be under the impression that my depression can be "cured" if I just "do this" or "take this", which tells me even after years and years of telling them what is going on with me, that they're still not grasping how severe this is for me & that I've been dealing with this on & off for my entire life, so there probably will never be a "cure". But I can use medicines in the tools in the mean time and I'm okay with that. Even if it means having a dependence on an addictive substance. It beats the hell out of feeling terrible every day.

I wish that mental healthcare "professionals" had some amount of understanding of what it's like to go through the shit that those of us with mental illness do. So many of them seem to lack empathy and it really makes me question why they chose to go into the field.

I've been considering trying to find ketamine therapy or psilocybin therapy, anything. But no luck.

Both of those can be a godsend for depression. I've found ketamine to be very helpful in the short-term for immediately killing depressive episodes, and taking psychedelics (LSD/psilocybin/2CB) a few days later once the ketamine has me feeling a bit more optimistic seems to help me work through the root issues and trauma behind my mental health issues. MDMA-assisted therapy is a great choice if you are also struggling with trauma/PTSD (fingers crossed it gets legalized soon due to the numerous trials that have it seen it drastically outperform every other available PTSD treatment)

I'm not going to advocate that you look for ketamine/psilocybin/LSD on the black market, but it is a route you can take if you cannot find a psilocybin/LSD study or a ketamine clinic where you live (Though ketamine for depression is prescribeable in the US these days). Grey-market research chemicals that are functionally and chemically almost identical to psilocybin such as 4-AcO-DMT and 4-HO-MET are also an option. If you do go down this route, remember to get reagent test kits or send a sample to a test lab to ensure that you know what you are taking. And remember that the drug is not the treatment here (this is far less applicable with ketamine since its effect is significantly more neurochemical than most psychedelics) and simply unlocks the door for you to do the therapeutic work needed. If you do this yourself instead of going the clinical route, you'll have to be spending most of the experience doing meditation and/or self-therapy and you should have an experienced tripsitter present. I've seen a surprising amount of people who think that they can solve their mental health issues by dropping some acid and going to a rave. While that may be a fun time, it probably isn't going to heal their mental illness the same way that dropping acid and doing therapy would.

Hope this helps!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I unfortunately can relate to this. Straight As in grade 9 and in the 'academic' subjects (Math, English, Science) throughout middle and elementary school. Some subjects I just couldn't pay attention in and had major issues with my teachers. I got diagnosed at 6 but it went untreated until 16 after a year or two of trying to get on meds. I kept telling doctors and my parents that I couldn't pay attention in class, but nobody gave a fuck until I got depressed and started failing classes.

It sounds like you do have ADHD. Try to really stress the importance of getting tested and explain why you have it. Take some online tests such as this one and maybe show your doctor the results saying to go get assessed by a mental health professional if nothing else works. Worst comes to worst, are you able to switch doctors?

I can understand that and that therapist sounds pretty dumb. A lot of doctors can be quite judgemental, and many therapists just aren't great at their jobs. I personally went through many mediocre/bad and even malicious therapists before finding my current one. Finding someone specialized in certain therapies like CBT/DBT for depression or EMDR/SE/etc. if you have trauma can help you find someone who's the right fit.


I wish that mental healthcare "professionals" had some amount of understanding of what it's like to go through the shit that those of us with mental illness do. So many of them seem to lack empathy and it really makes me question why they chose to go into the field.


Both of those can be a godsend for depression. I've found ketamine to be very helpful in the short-term for immediately killing depressive episodes, and taking psychedelics (LSD/psilocybin/2CB) a few days later once the ketamine has me feeling a bit more optimistic seems to help me work through the root issues and trauma behind my mental health issues. MDMA-assisted therapy is a great choice if you are also struggling with trauma/PTSD (fingers crossed it gets legalized soon due to the numerous trials that have it seen it drastically outperform every other available PTSD treatment)

I'm not going to advocate that you look for ketamine/psilocybin/LSD on the black market, but it is a route you can take if you cannot find a psilocybin/LSD study or a ketamine clinic where you live (Though ketamine for depression is prescribeable in the US these days). Grey-market research chemicals that are functionally and chemically almost identical to psilocybin such as 4-AcO-DMT and 4-HO-MET are also an option. If you do go down this route, remember to get reagent test kits or send a sample to a test lab to ensure that you know what you are taking. And remember that the drug is not the treatment here (this is far less applicable with ketamine since its effect is significantly more neurochemical than most psychedelics) and simply unlocks the door for you to do the therapeutic work needed. If you do this yourself instead of going the clinical route, you'll have to be spending most of the experience doing meditation and/or self-therapy and you should have an experienced tripsitter present. I've seen a surprising amount of people who think that they can solve their mental health issues by dropping some acid and going to a rave. While that may be a fun time, it probably isn't going to heal their mental illness the same way that dropping acid and doing therapy would.

Hope this helps!

Sounds similar to me!

I did participate in classes like Science & Art & Music, but everything else I took flat F's in. And that's cause I had an interest in those things.
It got to the point where my teachers were fine with it as long as I didn't disturb the class.
Just turn in my papers blank and then have the rest of the time to daydream.

Unfortunately my mom didn't really pry much into my personal life or try to get me any kind of help back then. It was just kind of accepted that it was the way things were.
But now I feel like I'm paying the price for it.

I will definitely try out this test! Thank you!

My theraist seems like a cool guy, but I think he might know that there's just only so little he can do for me.
I do have severe depression that enjoys manifesting as body aches & pain and fatigue pretty much daily. So this makes going out and getting another therapist or more doctors difficult.

I always tell myself, "I'll make that phone call" or "I'll go do this" tomorrow when I feel better. But of course, I never feel better, so it's easy to just keep putting it off and off.


I've lost an enormous amount of faith and trust in our medical system and healthcare in general over the years.
I have a different perspective than most. Doctors seem to want to get everyone away from anything that might POSSIBLY "feel good". And ontop crap that gives me permanent movement disorders or other issues instead. It really boils my blood.

Hell, I have no issues going through a black market, but I'm just not well versed and educated enough about using the dark web and then the whole legal aspect would just bring more trouble into my life that I don't even think I could handle. Hell, I got treated like a murder when I got caught growing weed in my early 20's. lol That was pretty traumatic.

And I recently moved away from all my friends & connects I knew & have found it difficult to make any new friends where I"m at, or i'd even consider that route.
It's ridiculous that I should even have to, ya know?

I had a really rough childhood, teen-hood and young adult hood and still am. lol I have so many traumas that I don't even know where to begin anymore.
I think some of what's wrong with me is my genetics too. As my mom had severe depression & anxiety, as do my brothers & sisters.

Hopefully in my life time, society will take a different approach to medicines & our freedom to take them if we feel we need them.
Hell, I'd skip getting on a stimulant altogether if I could take diacetylmorphine instead, but since supposedly it has "no medicinal value" & the world has become ever more opiod-phobic, I guess the next best thing would be a stimulant or possibly a psychedelic or disso.

Thanks for your kindness arrall!

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Ended up with a moderate result on the ADD/ADHD quiz.

 

[Skorpio]

This may be unpopular opinion, but I find most therapists utterly useless.

I think finding a good therapist is at least as hard as finding a good partner. Similarly murky vetting process as well. I've gotten a few shite ones and it has honestly scared me off finding one, which always bites me when i am low and need an outside voice to share to.

I've read, the modafinil & armodafinil end up acting almost just like methylphenidate when it comes to DRI.

In my experience it feels quite different (have a large but more experience with methylphenidate, but have used modafinil maybe 10 times). Modafinil seems to have much less push/mood lift. Once it hits i just feel wide awake like i am at the mental peak of my day. This feeling lasts for a very long time (I'd wager near 10 or 12 hours), and i have really screwed myself over taking moda at 4 pm. That results in taking sedatives and feeling wife awake still despite using a strong dose that would normally stop the tail end of a good amount of anphetamines.

One of my friends swears by moda because he could stay up all night studying and not be shot by sleep deprivation.

I also have a friend it is prescribed to for narcolepsy. He thought he had sleep apnea and did a sleep study, and they said he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. He got prescribed adderall xr, but preferred moda as it didn't feel like an up and down (eventually fought and won with his insurance company to cover it).

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I think finding a good therapist is at least as hard as finding a good partner. Similarly murky vetting process as well. I've gotten a few shite ones and it has honestly scared me off finding one, which always bites me when i am low and need an outside voice to share to.

In my experience it feels quite different (have a large but more experience with methylphenidate, but have used modafinil maybe 10 times). Modafinil seems to have much less push/mood lift. Once it hits i just feel wide awake like i am at the mental peak of my day. This feeling lasts for a very long time (I'd wager near 10 or 12 hours), and i have really screwed myself over taking moda at 4 pm. That results in taking sedatives and feeling wife awake still despite using a strong dose that would normally stop the tail end of a good amount of anphetamines.

One of my friends swears by moda because he could stay up all night studying and not be shot by sleep deprivation.

I also have a friend it is prescribed to for narcolepsy. He thought he had sleep apnea and did a sleep study, and they said he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. He got prescribed adderall xr, but preferred moda as it didn't feel like an up and down (eventually fought and won with his insurance company to cover it).

I'd unfortunately have to agree there.
I've had a few whacky therapists. Some I've liked and others not. But some seem to just not grasp the idea of how bad things get for me.

I can sit there and tell them everything and then when their hour is over it's always "well it's sounds like you're doing good".
No mother fucker, I ain't doing good!! lol

Interesting about the modafinil!
I'd have been happy to try it or the armodafinil if it at least helped.

I use to lift weights, excercise, etc..
I'd have those days where I would look in the mirror and be like "damn, (my name) you look pretty damn good".
I use to have a sex drive, energy, blah blah.

All of that is behind me now.
Had blood work done last winter to check my testosterone & thyroid, everything. It all came back normal.

I'm totally down for getting a sleep study. I can't believe how many times it's been rescheduled on me though. It's never cause they're truly busy or anything. It's always "the doctors on vacation" or the "doctors gonna be out of the office", like damn, I'm the walking dead here and I can't even get in in a timely manner. lol

And once I do get in, who knows when the sleep study will be scheduled for. Probably not for another month or two.

I did develop myoclonic jerks about 6 years ago, that I have no idea where they came from.
It's especially bad when I sleep. And I always have to sleep on my side or I'll get terrible sleep paralysis.
These all sound like signs of a sleep disorder.

I also seem to have what feel like multiple sclerosis attacks some times, when it comes to pain, muscle function and my brain.
But I try not to play Dr. Google, but I've been to countless doctors now about the myoclonic jerks & have had cat scans done of my head & neck and they were just like "Oh we don't know, oh well". I also apparently had pretty abnormal brainwaves on an EEG. I'm not sure why none of my doctors have cared much to try and figure out what's going on.

In the past month, I've had about 4 episodes where I suddenly couldn't feel any parts of my body anymore & lost all coordination.
I also got a funny sensation like something was "tugging on my soul", is the only way I can put it. Like I was about to leave my body.
Lasted about a half hour and then some residual fuzzy feelings afterwards.
No idea if these were some kind of messed up panic attacks or if there's something else going on.
I think the panic was secondary to the fact that I was suddenly feeling weird.
Was still able to walk at least to sit down but coordination was almost gone.
Scary stuff.
I plan to lay all of this out to the doctor if I ever get to see him.

I appreciate it Skorpio.
Speaking of tired all the time, my bed time has become 6, 7, 8 pm, sleep til 5AM, wake up & then I'm ready for a nap by 10-noon and then I struggle to stay awake til my bed time. lol
Ontop of it, there's never shit to do & I don't know anybody in this city very well.
And my bf is a narcissist/schizophrenic. Haha, so the only thing that even sounds good anymore is being unconscious.
Although I truly want to be engaged & awake and my old self again.

Cheers friend!