Hi guys, been I while since I posted in here. I figured that perhaps Id got over my issues, but I suppose not.
Basicly, Im just hoping one of you readers can shed some light on my current situation. Id appriciate it alot.
So whenever things start to run smoothly in my life, It flared up all sorts of other issues, primarily OCD. This is quite problematic, considering the easiest time for me is when things are neutral, as:
When times are bad = Paranoia, Depression, Anxiety
When times are good = Stress, OCD, lack of control of thoughts
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One of the best times in my life was when I had planned to kill myself, and thought, lets just doss this week. At had a great time being free and open about everything....after all, it didnt matter if anything went wrong, as Id be dead in a week anyway. Obviously, this mindset cant be maintained permanently, but it gave my the insight to be free and really enjoy life.
Now, everything in my life has settled. Not one aspect of my life that was causing the issues that drove me near to suicide is now a problem...or if they are, I just dont see them as negative anymore.
However, I am in a more fragile mental state than before.
Ive got rid of my paranoid delusions, categorised by egocentricism and conspiratorial thinking, but I almost miss them. I hate the fact that I am merely a selection of atoms, toiling solo, against a desolate world. Bit dramatic perhaps, but you get the idea. I have no faith, when at least If I thought my life was some elaborate experiment, at least I would be considered special in someway or the other.
This realisation is causing me a great deal of stress, as DESPITE the knowledge I have just discussed with you, I STILL exhibit OCD symptoms when things start to go well in life.
I also begin to loose control of my own thinking, and arguments begin in my own head, one 'voice' predominatley being agressive and deliberatley saying the oppersite of my personalitys preferences.
For a softened, toned down example: "I like bread" "No you dont you hate bread, bread is the worst thing ever" While the first 'voice' is pleading with the other to stop and shut up.
Obviously, the actual thinking is alot darker, somtimes disgustily and weirdly sexual, and other times agressive & murderous.
*Note* (I use inverted commas for the word 'voices' becuase I dont actually hear voices as such, just its my own, inner thinking voice)
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I know that there are many people in this sub-forum that are in much worse situations than me, some with legitimatly appauling living conditions. I have so much respect for every single one of you, and I hope that you can get through whatever it is that is currently holding you back I am sorry if you feel my problems are minescule by comparison, but they really do bother me
Thank you very much for reading, and if you didnt read it, well I cant blame you
If anyone could offer a solution to these problems that genuinely helped me, then I couldnt express my gratitude!
Casp.
Basicly, Im just hoping one of you readers can shed some light on my current situation. Id appriciate it alot.
So whenever things start to run smoothly in my life, It flared up all sorts of other issues, primarily OCD. This is quite problematic, considering the easiest time for me is when things are neutral, as:
When times are bad = Paranoia, Depression, Anxiety
When times are good = Stress, OCD, lack of control of thoughts
--------------------------------------------
One of the best times in my life was when I had planned to kill myself, and thought, lets just doss this week. At had a great time being free and open about everything....after all, it didnt matter if anything went wrong, as Id be dead in a week anyway. Obviously, this mindset cant be maintained permanently, but it gave my the insight to be free and really enjoy life.
Now, everything in my life has settled. Not one aspect of my life that was causing the issues that drove me near to suicide is now a problem...or if they are, I just dont see them as negative anymore.
However, I am in a more fragile mental state than before.
Ive got rid of my paranoid delusions, categorised by egocentricism and conspiratorial thinking, but I almost miss them. I hate the fact that I am merely a selection of atoms, toiling solo, against a desolate world. Bit dramatic perhaps, but you get the idea. I have no faith, when at least If I thought my life was some elaborate experiment, at least I would be considered special in someway or the other.
This realisation is causing me a great deal of stress, as DESPITE the knowledge I have just discussed with you, I STILL exhibit OCD symptoms when things start to go well in life.
I also begin to loose control of my own thinking, and arguments begin in my own head, one 'voice' predominatley being agressive and deliberatley saying the oppersite of my personalitys preferences.
For a softened, toned down example: "I like bread" "No you dont you hate bread, bread is the worst thing ever" While the first 'voice' is pleading with the other to stop and shut up.
Obviously, the actual thinking is alot darker, somtimes disgustily and weirdly sexual, and other times agressive & murderous.
*Note* (I use inverted commas for the word 'voices' becuase I dont actually hear voices as such, just its my own, inner thinking voice)
---------------------------------------------
I know that there are many people in this sub-forum that are in much worse situations than me, some with legitimatly appauling living conditions. I have so much respect for every single one of you, and I hope that you can get through whatever it is that is currently holding you back
I am sorry if you feel my problems are minescule by comparison, but they really do bother meThank you very much for reading, and if you didnt read it, well I cant blame you
If anyone could offer a solution to these problems that genuinely helped me, then I couldnt express my gratitude!
Casp.
