when you finally realise.. theres not much point in being alive.

[wooger]

I dunno.. I'm sorry for ranting on bluelight all the time.. i even said to my counsellor that my life is basically completely pathetic and he pretty much agreed....

I only have one appointment left with him... and I guess the thing that made me realise im starting to think quite seriously about killing myself is that when I first started with the counsellor guy he said he would need to tell hos superiors if I was going to hurt myself or anything..so I havent mentioned anything to him that would give him any clues about how im really feeling...

also... my 'friend' of about 13 years..prolly my only 'friend' really... we have nothing in common anymore (i noticed it last night when i saw him for the first time in a month or so and i was sober (for a change) and we dont really have anything in common or anything at all

then we did a lil bit of nitrous and i just thought more and more about killing myself...hmm

 

[1wickd6]

Wooger,

Trust me my friend, I have been where you are SO many times, right on the brink and its probably the DARKEST, LONLIEST feeling ever....One that you think no one else will ever understand. Im not going to suger coat shit, Im not going to sit here and tell you that everything's gonna be fine and "its not worth it" blah blah. But I am going to say this, I dont know what you're going through, but I do know that I've honestly been there and I also know that I have gotten through it (not to say that I havent fallen back in at times as well) but I have felt better and looked back at the times when I was at my lowest points and thanked "whoever" that I didnt do myself in. I guess what Im trying to say from an honest and "been there" point of view is that, IT CAN GET BETTER. I dont know your specific counseling situation or your situation in general bud, but if your counselor told you that he basically agrees that your life is completely pathetic, your counselor is a fuc*in' douche bag my friend.

Im no counselor, im just another stuggling guy out there, and if your friend of 13 yrs cant relate anymore, I guarantee I can, so If you ever wanna talk, shoot me an email and ill give you my number and we can chat...if nothin else, do that before you decide to do somethin your family will regret....

 

[Pharcyde]

Look man the doctors told me that some mental issues come with delusions.....for years I thought I was pure evil........now I feel Im too big for life.not that I wanna die its just I think Ive had all that life has to offer....get help bro..it might not work but whats it gunna hurt?

 

[wooger]

I dunno.. I dunno whether I'm beyond help... I know my dr basically thinks I'm some kind of pathetic waste of space and the problem with counselling as well is that its funded by the goverment (at a drug/alcohol addicition place) so you only get 6 sessions (an hour each..once a week...and I had to go in about 2-3 times a week and make myself annoying for about 3 months to get that.... I was told by someone who I know who works there I was seen 'quickly' seen cus I kep't going back and calling them etc...so I'm pretty fucked after next week.....

 

[Pharcyde]

Ohh man I had that problem too where I thought everybody hated me and hated when I was around...trust me man....even if you hate your doctor he isnt the only doc around bro......it was a hard pill to swallow when Iwent into a hospital....I think you could benefit...I did slightly

 

[Pharcyde]

Nobody hates you dude.........its tough I think we might share the same affliction

 

[wooger]

hmmm I just PM'ed you... it's really a horrible feeling isn't it? anyways... if you have msn I'll Pm my email address over so if you have it we can talk...

 

[Pharcyde]

I dont have MSN Im pretty much on here always when Im not locked up. You can PM me anytime dewd, Im in Michigan so if youre in Cali I might not be able to stay up late but rest assured the next day Ill be on to PM you back

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Wooger.
Firstly, if your 'so called councellor' said that to you, I personally want to meet him so I can kick the Beejeezus out of him/her, this is grossly unprofessional!!!!!!!!!
I went to a Docter a couple of years back;when I was in College. I was Severly Anxious and Depressed at the time. She proceeded to give me a lecture on how 'Everyone finds it difficult to get out of bed on a Rainy day, and we all have to make an effort' and then gave me another lecture on: how much money the Government were paying for my Anti-depressants and how I should use them wisely because of the Expense I was incurring on the Tax payers!!!!!!!!! I was in a pretty vulnerable state at that time and got even worse feeling guilty for being so 'Weak'... But I can tell you, after a few weeks I talked to pple about it and quickly got Angry about being mistreated like this. I found another Docter and complained her Ass to the Healthboard. Dont let people/professionals undermine you like this pet
your worth FAR more than this!
Secondly: You have some issues/problems, and if you or anyone else labels that as pathetic, and thereby using this as an excuse to end your life-you are Deluded!!! There are SO many people in the same boat, I have been there too and you gotta stop being so hard on yourself especially if you are having problems at the moment! Things do change and sometimes it's difficult to accept but you can move on from this.
Please treat yourself with the respect you deserve, I know it's hard when you feel like a 'pathetic' failure, but this really is beating yourself up and you need REAL support!
Please look for Alternative help, and keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on? Take Care of Yourself!

 

[Lolie]

A little red flag always goes up for me when someone mentions their "counsellor". Psychiatrists are qualified to diagnose mental health problems and so are clinical psychologists but "counsellors" are not. Nor is the kind of short-term counselling to which you've been referred appropriate for major mental health issues.

You need to get a proper diagnosis from a mental health professional who is qualified to give one and who can develop a proper treatment plan.

And it's really common to find that the only thing keeping a "friendship" together was shared drug abuse. We tend to surround ourselves with people who validate and enable our choices and "situational" friendships rarely survive major changes of direction in our lives.

 

[hobhead]

Wooger,
There is no intrinsic 'point' to life . However countless citizens select aspirations, goals (if you like) and pursuits that they find attractive or even dynamically persuasive .
Too many of us when we are young fall into instant gratification as a 'point' to strive for .
shit don't work budro .
centering a life's pursuit around dope doesn't hold up your britches let alone your emotional sanity.
alternately, if you get some certain satisfaction straightening out paper clips- seek work in a wire mill and put in the years until your wages are sufficient to keep you in clover .
you get my drift ?
huge loads of drugs into the body does the mind a real disservice . severe depression is always on the horizon .

 

[wooger]

Asclepius - I can totally relate to how they are concerned about spending tax payers money - when I tried to get an alcohol detox at the local addicition place...no such luck....they just gave me 6 weeks of counselling (Id been begging for months for a detox...going in several times a week and when i asked them 'ill i be able to get a detox?' I was told constantly 'yeah' as if it wouldn't be a problem... after almost 6 months of begging i finally realised i had to do it myself if at all....) I feel like I just get dumped round service to service... and it is kinda pathetic what ive done with my 'life'

Lolie - I guess it makes sense about the situational friendship thing...the only thing is I dont think ive ever had a friendship that wasnt like that..im 24 now..since i was 16 I dont think ive ever had a 'friend' where we werent either fucked up on drugs or drunk...pretty much all the time... its kinda making me feel like ive missed out so much on life.... as part of me feels like a 16 year old trapped inside a 24 year olds body...its weird.... i think I really do need to see a proper psychiatrist


and hobhead.... I guess ur right.... SEVERE depression seems to be the end of all this...and that kinda instant 'WOW' you can get from drugs really kinda interferes with the 'long term plan' and eventually, if you put enough work into fucking urself up and sending urself generally 'crazy'...seems to ruin ur options for a 'normal' life...

meh... i dont even know how to get referred to a psychiatrist

 

[Lolie]

Your GP can refer you to a psychiatrist. There are also often community health centres which have counsellors on staff and they'll refer you to other services as appropriate but they often have long waiting lists for seeing specialist practitioners. I'm not sure what the cut-off age for "youth" services is where you live (it's 25 here), but those can often get you access to resources faster than going through non-dedicated services.

 

[Asclepius]

Asclepius - I can totally relate to how they are concerned about spending tax payers money - when I tried to get an alcohol detox at the local addicition place...no such luck....they just gave me 6 weeks of counselling (Id been begging for months for a detox...going in several times a week and when i asked them 'ill i be able to get a detox?' I was told constantly 'yeah' as if it wouldn't be a problem... after almost 6 months of begging i finally realised i had to do it myself if at all....) I feel like I just get dumped round service to service... and it is kinda pathetic what ive done with my 'life'

Wooger, Im sorry you had to go through this Experience pet, it seems like your overtly angry at yourself for EVERY situation. Can you see how blaming everything on you, isnt really logical or true though?

TBH Wooger, if your going to someone for help and Depression and they start loading more shit on you, that is completely out of your control and has to do with how a Government is run,
and making you feel responsible for that and you want to side with that instead of looking after your own interests, I think its kinda sad and just highlights to me how severe your emotional Condition is ATM. This can/will pass though with time and proper help, that you DESERVE.

Everyone is looking out for themselves, if the Proffesionals have a system put in place and have their own issues about it, it is entirely up to them to take this issue up with a higher Authority and NOT a patient/client who is Depressed!
I understand the health Systems are underfunded etc, however if patients keep on talking personal responsibility for a System that fails them then your just going to become another Statistic that hasn't got a voice. I am not of the mind that people should bleed Systems dry by any amount, I have paid my taxes, as have my parents contributed to the tax system.

I think it is fantastic that you have a sense of responsibility ATM but taken too far, this can sometimes override your own self interest and I just wish for you to start taking care of your mental/emotional/physical situation first and not evaluating it based on situations that are out of your control. This guilt and Shame is encumbering you since youve come off substances, whereas ordinarilly it would be blunted by them, so you must consider the reality of your situation right now.

You sound clearly Depressed to me Wooger and I am Concerned about you!
I hope you will start paying more attention to your needs at this time, by this I'm not saying 'Snap out of it' but you ARE Judging yourself unfairly, im sure you wouldnt do that to someone else experiencing a similar situation?? Any luck Seeking Alternative help?