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When to have 'the talk'?

wizekrak

wizekrak

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 20, 2000
Messages
4,250
Hey bluelight!

So I find myself in a position I've never found myself in before, I might be getting in to a serious relationship, who knew? So I've been seeing this fantastic girl for about 2 weeks now. We've known each other as acquaintances since last April but didn't really start talking until December or so. We've gotten a little physical but the pants haven't come off yet, she doesn't want to move things too quickly since she says she doesn't know me that well. I'm fine with that. The chemistry is really solid and I'd like to get serious with this girl. The only problem is that considering my track record this is new territory for me, I've never really dated a girl for longer than a month before things fell apart.

So my natural instinct tells me to just let things progress as they will and eventually the time will feel right to bring up the subject. Is that usually how it works? How long do you usually see someone before its 'ok' to start talking about this kind of thing? I don't want to scare her off, and based on a few conversations we've had before we got involved she might have the idea that I tend to run away quickly once things get settled in (don't talk about past relationships when you've been drinking). Do most people wait until they start having sex before bringing it up?

Knowing what I'm like, conceivably I could keep things going indefinitely without having to put a label on it. Is it usually the girl who brings it up when she wants to wrangle her guy? We've talked about our dating styles and neither one of use tends to juggle partners so I think its pretty much implied that neither one of us are seeing anyone else at this time.

Just wondering what the popular consensus is on this one.
 
When you become attached enough that the idea of them being with someone else bothers you enough that you feel you have to say something, that's the time imo. There's no reason to bring up conversation about exclusivity until then.
 
GM's advice is pretty solid. No point in hiding these kind of feelings. If you want to be exclusive, you can bring it up in a variety of ways. Tell her how you feel about spending time with her. Tell her you hope she feels the same. Get her on the topic. Get the idea in her mind. You can gauge her reaction.
 
i think it's premature to ask her not to have sex with anyone else when you two aren't even having sex yet. let this progress naturally, and if the talk doesn't come up on its own then start guiding the conversation in that direction once it becomes clear things are getting serious.

there's nothing wrong with quietly considering this next step now, but don't fall into the overthinking trap. there's no set time line for these things and i have a feeling you'll know when it's appropriate to broach the subject. i truly believe in the idea that "each relationship seeks its own level". with that in mind, allow things to unfold organically as much as you can :) i know it's easier said than done, but make a conscious effort.

on a side note, congratulations! i'm happy to learn you've found someone special. you were definitely due.
 
I've followed your posts throughout the times and I also wanted to say congrats and that this post made me happy :). I hope it works out for you guys.

I agree with much of what has been said already, especially:

i think it's premature to ask her not to have sex with anyone else when you two aren't even having sex yet. let this progress naturally
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^That would definitely weird me out if a guy did it and probably send me running. I think me and my guy had already had sex millions of times and hung out a lot before we ever talked about being exclusive. We sorta had a weird/long distance/online thing going though so it might be a little different. And even AFTER we talked about it once, it was still weird and on again off again for awhile. Then after a period of separation he came back into my life and declared his undying love for me and announced that he'd decided we should be together forever and wouldn't stop until he won me over. It took 3 days, lol. :)

My point is, when it's right, its right. ANd there aren't any weird/uneasy feelings about talking about it. So just relax, breathe, go slow and have a great time. There's nothing like falling in love so why rush! <3
 
Yeah, now that I think about it, it would seem weird. I think the idea of letting it find its own level is the way to go. She's a pretty independent girl so she's probably find it weird if I tried to 'lock it in' at this time. Plus, yeah, things are still pretty fresh so who knows what will or won't happen. Thanks.
 
Ha, funny thing, this actually kind of came up last night while we were in bed. Basically she was saying that at this stage she doesn't really know what she wants (ie: relationship vs casual) albeit she was fairly drunk. So I told her there's no need to rush in to anything and there's no need to try and make it conform to any set expectations. Basically I told her that things always work best when they are left to develop organically and on their own time and she agreed. I think she's still kind of shocked that I'm a really decent guy, she says guys like me are pretty tough to find and I don't think she really trusts that I am the way I am yet (if that makes sense).

We're both really picky with who we decide to get involved with. Based on my personality and outward confidence I think she might have thought I was a player. I think the best thing I can do is to let her figure out what exactly it is she wants and then just take it from there. So long as she doesn't think I have any preset expectations, then I don't think she'll feel pressured one way or another. But I am falling for this girl, she's pretty fantastic.
 
From my experience, these talks are never needed. If things are to work out, then you just sink into it with no words being said.

Just let it play out. If it doesn't work, then shit. There's time for more. If it does, then great.

Don't force a talk with her. It'll just make things awkward. You know things are right when you just sink into it without any pushing or prodding needed. That's when you know that it's turned into something special. If it happens this way, then I doubt that either of you will even consider screwing others. You just won't think about it.

I think a lot of people are influenced by silly Holywood films or Television shows where the actors actually have these talks. It doesn't happen in real life. Not usually, anyway.

Just treat her well and don't be too nice all the time. Leave her with something to be surprised at from you every now and then. The nice approach usually ends up with a bit of fooling about, and then leaving the woman bored and just becoming great friends with you. Not a bad thing, but probably not what you want. Being nice constantly doesn't make a man desirable unless you're middle aged. Most of the time. Oh, giving amazing head to them will do wonders. If you can keep a lady in constant pleasure for hours on end, then it means much more than sex.

But what would I know? I've only had about eight long term relationships and dozens of one night stands and potential relationships turning into mere friendships due to me treating a fine lady too well and boring them with being too nice.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I've just taken my Methaqualone a chemist friend synthed for me and am starting to talk shit :)
 
Hmm, so somehow this came up again last night (she was sober this time). I guess I had been giving mixed signals or something and was wondering what I wanted out of the whole thing. Anyway, she says she isn't looking for a serious relationship at the moment because she doesn't know where she's going to end up. On top of that she thinks we may be too similar for it to work. I'm fine with keeping things casual for now, its less pressure for either one of us. But I'm hoping she isn't slamming the door on the potential for anything serious to develop. I guess we just wait and see.
 
Just give her enough space for her to realize if she wants you, but not so much space she thinks you're backing off.

Trying to talk to her about it will just force her to label it in her mind, and if she has some problem with the idea of a serious relationship, it might cause a negative reaction. Give it time to develop, and back away quickly from the idea of labeling it.

I doubt she's actually against being in a serious relationship with you (although, what do I know?) but that she's more worried about the idea of one that she has built up in her head. Or she hasn't decided what to do with you, and doesn't want you to get the wrong idea (hence avoiding future drama)

I'm sure there is some saying regarding this, something about the right way to hold a butterfly in your hand. Not so tight as to crush it, not too loose as to let it escape.... Typing that out loud, I'm going to turn that into a manlier starting a fire metaphor. Fan it just enough to spark the embers, but not enough to blow out the flame and knock away the tinder.
 
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