When I Unwrapped You

[Ashley]

When I unwrapped you
You were like a dirty Christmas present,
Never did I expect what lay within that box
To be a fallen angel,
You were such a lonely little girl,
Abused by an animal, and then seemingly,
I saved you from it all,
For so long, it was us against the world,
An invisible super power that intersected
Our souls

But I never did protect you,
Not like I should have, not even close,
I left you out in the rain and the hail,
When the door was wide open,
But you never were one to complain,
And still you don't till this day,
It's your courage that I admire,
And your avoidant behaviour,
You're just like me,
Just wrapped in a different kind of paper

Forever, we'll be neighbours,
In a musical womb, a medical miscarriage,
Confined within a disregarded tomb

 

[opium]

i like this. a lot.

 

[ForEverAfter]

Indeed. You continue to improve, Ash. And you lose nothing by dropping the rhymes. My second suggestion is: trim the fat. Tell me if I'm making too many suggestions. There are words you can take out, without losing anything. Like taking out the rhyme. Every word in a poem should serve a function. I'm going to use the first two lines, to illustrate my point.

When I unwrapped you
You were like a dirty Christmas present

If I wrote this, and edited it, it would become:

I unwrapped you
like a dirty Christmas present

The words "when" and "you were" have no function, other than complying to the expectations of prose. Something I've noticed about your poetry, is your tendency to write grammatically correct sentences. Or sentence clauses. Poetry is free of grammar. You don't need to use definite articles and pronouns if you don't want to.

This poem, like many of your compositions, has great potential. Trim the fat. I would cut about 20% of the words out of this. You're making serious progress. Don't be afraid to declare "Bullshit!" though. And, please, tell me to shut the fuck up. If that's what you want me to do.

 

[Tude]

I think it's perfect the way it is.

 

[ForEverAfter]

Perfection is death.

 

[Thou]

Only if life is there offered as an opposite.

All pleasure is relief.

Perfection is dumb stupid capitalist lingo to make you feel inferior enough to indulge youself in the vantage they take on you.

It's a human conception, like morality. It's make believe.

All is perfection, or all is folly. I see not much difference between the two, because you're dust in the end.

 

[laugh]

solid! i love coming into words, on a rainy day, it beats the shit out of tds.