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Mental Health When a loved one has Borderline Personality Disorder

CfZrx

CfZrx

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Nov 23, 2014
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Hi, I recently realized that my girlfriend of 10 years has BPD. It is quite shocking to me because I've heard Dr. Drew sound pretty nervous when he talks about patients he's treated for addiction who have bpd. My experience is that I always wondered why I can't just have a reasonable discussion about stressful topics without her getting very upset. It seems pointless to even try to confront her about ANYTHING! I just always end up angry that she has to escalate to defensiveness immediately. Anyone else ever loved or actually been in a relationship with someone with BPD? Thanks.
 
Honestly, one of the main things in my experience I've found about people who have substance issues is that they get angry whenever someone tries to confront them about it (or about their behavior in general). It's an irrational defense mechanism and it takes a really sensitive, learned professional to begin to help them parse out and confront their problem rather than have them be in denial.

You've been with her for a long time, but if she can't be respectful to you in dealing with things that hurt your relationship, you may want to ask yourself if it's worth it to continue this way.

Is she in treatment?
 
I was in a long term relationship with a guy who had BPD. He was very manipulative, constantly doing things for attention. Horrible experience and a very abusive relationship. :( Not to say all people with BPD are manipulative and abusive, but it definitely increases the chances of them being unable to maintain a healthy relationship.
Most people with BPD need to go to therapy and be on meds that are working before they can have a good relationship. Being in a relationship with my ex was absolute hell because of his fluctuating emotions and daily manipulation. I'm severely scarred by that relationship.

I advise you to read about it online, read VERY closely into BPD and try to understand it to the best of your ability. It's very complex but very easy to spot in someone if you're close to them.
Don't give up on her, she probably needs your support, but please keep your emotional health in mind too. Don't let her issues exhaust you too much. Take care of yourself.
 
My current girlfriend suffers from anxiety and depression but we manage. It works out because I am not capable of getting angry at her when shes upset so we never fight over it. She can be incredibly mean and call me a retard and stuff when shes angry, stressed, depressed or whatever. She was bullied a lot growing up and her brother would taunt her and make her feel inadequate her father would abuse her mother, all around rough childhood. So her natural mechanism is defense and bottle rather then talk through it. This means that when shes in a mood the slightest thing will set her off even if i didnt do it its my fault and i get mocked and taunted but I never do anything other then say i am sorry and when she says "your right you are sorry your a sorry retard who (insert attempt at demasculated) but I know that she doesnt mean it.

She is in therapy and stuff so shes working on bettering herself. For the most part we have good days but when stuff goes wrong it goes wrong. Anything from a job interview going badly to a problem at the methadone clinic we go to will set her off. She often wonders how i can deal with the things she says because they are so mean as she is literally trying her hardest to upset me and she should be really good at it knowing all my insecurities but she can not upset me. I told her when shes like that she needs to vent so i understand because of my status as her boyfriend it will be directed toward me. And since its all verbal stuff, absolutely no physic encounters ever, I hear what i want to hear because i have that option.

When she says "you retard how could you (whatever)" i hear "that action you took was incorrect and it has upset me" or "why dont you get the fuck out and go fuck yourself because thats the only thing your goo at" i hear "I am upset and need some time alone" Like i said since its all verbal stuff the message is hidden in the words and those words do not change the message.

Like i said it works because of my personality and how much i know her. Its also because she is trying, shes been through a verity of meds and her bad days have become almost 2 times a month (more now that she gets girly time every month again) but its not for a lack of trying on her part. And when we came off dope and she changed her meds, coming off 300mg of trazadone, there were days i was worried she would hit me. It can be extremely draining and hard for anyone to understand "I dont think she can get a job now shes not emotionally ready" was a hard thing to say to my mother about my adult girlfriend, but that time is over and my family was more understanding then i thought they would be.

If you love her you can get through it together. You need to make sure you give what you are willing to as well because you need to consider yourself too but you cant be selfish it is a huge balancing act but it can work and you both can be happy.
 
^Wow. We should clone you.=D Seriously, I think that your ability to not take things personally (realizing that they are in fact the problem of the other person) is amazing. Even better is that you are able to have compassion for why she does what she does. It has taken me years and a lot of useless suffering to get there and it's still difficult. Lately I have been re-reading a little book called The Four Agreements. It helped me a lot earlier in life and one of his main premises is that learning that nothing is personal (owning your own stuff and letting others own theirs) is a pretty powerful way to step outside the usual ill-fated interactions between two people in conflict.
 
"When she says "you retard how could you (whatever)" i hear "that action you took was incorrect and it has upset me" or "why dont you get the fuck out and go fuck yourself because thats the only thing your goo at" i hear "I am upset and need some time alone" Like i said since its all verbal stuff the message is hidden in the words and those words do not change the message."
Damn Szuko! I want your level of emotional black-belt. I usually last for awhile, then I cave to my anger and can't relax for days. Like you said, pms week is rough. In fact that is the only time that sucks. This month I will try to not give in to my resentment feelings, as they are killing me and aiming me towards relapse.
 
Ho-Chi-Minh said:
Honestly, one of the main things in my experience I've found about people who have substance issues is that they get angry whenever someone tries to confront them about it (or about their behavior in general). It's an irrational defense mechanism and it takes a really sensitive, learned professional to begin to help them parse out and confront their problem rather than have them be in denial.

You've been with her for a long time, but if she can't be respectful to you in dealing with things that hurt your relationship, you may want to ask yourself if it's worth it to continue this way.

Is she in treatment?
Click to expand...
No she's not in treatment. I am the hard drug addict, although I have cleaned up from needle use and pill abuse. She is extraordinarily addicted to weed.
 
szuko000 said:
My current girlfriend suffers from anxiety and depression but we manage. It works out because I am not capable of getting angry at her when shes upset so we never fight over it. She can be incredibly mean and call me a retard and stuff when shes angry, stressed, depressed or whatever. She was bullied a lot growing up and her brother would taunt her and make her feel inadequate her father would abuse her mother, all around rough childhood. So her natural mechanism is defense and bottle rather then talk through it. This means that when shes in a mood the slightest thing will set her off even if i didnt do it its my fault and i get mocked and taunted but I never do anything other then say i am sorry and when she says "your right you are sorry your a sorry retard who (insert attempt at demasculated) but I know that she doesnt mean it.

She is in therapy and stuff so shes working on bettering herself. For the most part we have good days but when stuff goes wrong it goes wrong. Anything from a job interview going badly to a problem at the methadone clinic we go to will set her off. She often wonders how i can deal with the things she says because they are so mean as she is literally trying her hardest to upset me and she should be really good at it knowing all my insecurities but she can not upset me. I told her when shes like that she needs to vent so i understand because of my status as her boyfriend it will be directed toward me. And since its all verbal stuff, absolutely no physic encounters ever, I hear what i want to hear because i have that option.

When she says "you retard how could you (whatever)" i hear "that action you took was incorrect and it has upset me" or "why dont you get the fuck out and go fuck yourself because thats the only thing your goo at" i hear "I am upset and need some time alone" Like i said since its all verbal stuff the message is hidden in the words and those words do not change the message.

Like i said it works because of my personality and how much i know her. Its also because she is trying, shes been through a verity of meds and her bad days have become almost 2 times a month (more now that she gets girly time every month again) but its not for a lack of trying on her part. And when we came off dope and she changed her meds, coming off 300mg of trazadone, there were days i was worried she would hit me. It can be extremely draining and hard for anyone to understand "I dont think she can get a job now shes not emotionally ready" was a hard thing to say to my mother about my adult girlfriend, but that time is over and my family was more understanding then i thought they would be.

If you love her you can get through it together. You need to make sure you give what you are willing to as well because you need to consider yourself too but you cant be selfish it is a huge balancing act but it can work and you both can be happy.
Click to expand...

What you are capable to do is really outstanding. I have experienced life around people who behaves like that and I can only be supportive for a while. I try to respect and understand but I have my limits like everyone else I have bad days and bad moods.
To accept all of that the way you do is remarkable, but for some of us it´s very difficult to achieve this in a long term relationship.
After all we have our bad moments as well. And knowing that I wouldn´t be able to share this with my companion is quite challenging IMO/E.
 
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CfZrx said:
I definitely need to practice more acceptance and forgiveness.
Click to expand...

It´s not you! Someone with BPD will continue being what she/he is regardless if you forgive them or not.
It´s part of the condition. If they can´t provoke you, they will find a way.
And it´s known to be extremely difficult to live in peace in a long term relationship, so I´ve been told by my doctor.

Perhaps you should be in therapy to learn how to cope with these problems without 'cancel' who you are, so to speak.
 
^hmm. that is very true! It does seem like she will find a way to bother me badly. It's so confusing. I am in therapy actually :) I'm like the last dude in the world who should try to deal with a BPD person. Very hateful thoughts run through my mind when she is torturing me. As long as I don't drink we are safe! But it's taking its toll. I aged 5 years last year.
 
I know. This is exhausting. Feel like taking a break. Not good when you are trying not to relapse.:\
 
First off thanks guys I didn't realize what I did was that amazing lol. It does get draining and it isn't all that great but we don't choose the people we fall in love with.

I think another big part of why it works the way it does is she wasn't always like this. We met when she was 19 and she did have some depression and anxiety issues they seem to have become the worst about 2 years after we started dating. We were clean and did stuff when we first met for about a year then we started hardcore drug use together and recently she got clean with me. But I had to watch her fall into isolating depression and watch her try to get jobs but quit because she wasn't emotionally ready. She would wake up crying that everyone hated her and I would try to get her to go but I always told her if she feels like this then she shouldn't.

It was a long road getting to the worst of it but now things are finally getting better. I got clean once 2 years ago and recently relapsed but in doing so got her on methadone, I was on subs last time she tried them and got bad side effects so she never took them. I also didn't force her to quit dope when I relapsed and got on methadone she wanted to do it for her future, it took her much longer to get better then me. She always self medicated where as I didn't but now she's down to 40mg from 90mg since joining the program 6 months ago.

My long story point is I sacrificed a lot emotionally and time to help her. I wouldn't expect others to do it and I wouldn't want them to because for years everyone tried to tell me she was using me and I would tell them they don't know what they are talking about. 2 years later she's cleaner then I am and we have way more good then bad days and I am glad I managed to not let the situation beat me as it finally feels like we can have a normal life together.
 
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