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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Whats wrong with me?

F

FUCKINEVAN

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 27, 2010
Messages
5
Ok so I have been doing drugs for a while now and hanging out with a lot older crowd my whole life. I've kind of lost my sense of self. Im very self conscious and very sensitive to what others are thinking about me. I started doing drugs when i was 15 i went from pot to meth second I've done drugs like dxm and xanex alot. I have taken methadones, oxycontin, shrooms, coke, valum, ecstacy... you name it and ive most likely done it. During the course of all this my parents forced me into a rehab and I havent been able to go back to the town i grew up in or see any of my friends there since. I have just been trying to get by but nothing is the same. I can't seem to keep friendships going for very long and I feel really awkward a lot of the time. I don't know how to be a fun person to be around anymore without getting fucked up. I've been stuck in the drug culture trying to be something im not for too long i think. Another thing now everytime I smoke weed I get very anxious, stupid and awkward. I don't smoke very much only a few hits will do this to me. It never used to be like this. I would smoke all day everyday with no problems of paranoia. Then i quit for a year and thats all that happens to me anymore. So yeah I know thats a lot of problems but I was really hoping that somebody would be able to help.
 
Maybe you just need to talk to a therapist and work this out. I don't think anything is wrong with you, you just need to figure that out for yourself and wholeheartedly believe it. I have felt like this too sometimes. But yea you should talk to your parents or a close friend (or just someone who knows you better than strangers on the internet) about this and tell them how you honestly feel.
 
Evan a lot of people report that after quitting opiates and what not that smoking weed has a negative affect on them. For me I still smoke everyday and never really slowed down even through my using so I don't know if I'm a very good example. I notice when I don't smoke I'm more irriatable and want to give up and go back to shootin up everyday. I think the benzos have a huge role in this though. Nowadays I have to do deep breathing exercises or meditate to calm myself down. It took a long time like 3 months until I was good enough to actually calm myself down through that but now its better than any benzo.

The whole friend ship thing is hard too man. I wanna be able to see my old friends but half of them are dealers so how would that really work? Do I really have enough self control to not get high if it's right in my face? Umm... Hell no... not yet at least. So I stay away I still talk to my friends but I wont see them unless I have someone else with me. Making new friends was hard for me too I was always just looking for drugs before and trying to be cool or whatever. Now that I was trying to make real friends it was really hard. The best I can say is find someone that loves doing something you love. I know your life has revolved around drugs for a long time now but there must be something that you still enjoy (ie. music, dirt bike, skateboarding, etc.)

I wish you the best in your fight man if the mental sickness gets too intense please seek professional help. Coming off some of the stuff you have done could have some serious psychological effects so just be safe and hang in there. TDS is a great place to come for help man people wont judge you and truly care. Best of luck man!
 
I had the same problem with weed after I started smoking again. I smoked all day every day for years. then I quit for the better past of 5 years. When I started up again, I only smoked occasionally and every time I got really paranoid and anxious. As I started smoking more frequently this went away.

I feel for you on the rest. I am also very shy and quiet. I have social anxiety and can hardly stand to be around people without opiates in my system. That is the biggest reason I started using on a daily basis and so heavily. I wish I had some good advice but I don't. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.
 
Thank you J@germe1ster and carrion doll for your replies and support. It's hard to find good hearted people like you nowadays that understand. Anyway thanks again.
 
This happened to me after my 3 year drug abuse, mostly involving mdma, LSD and vicodin, but mostly MDMA

I used to smoke weed and be very social, but after the drug abuse when I smoked I got very awkward and would think strange thoughts.

I would be thinking strange thoughts sobor, and felt kinda "out of reality" with everyone else, and found myself awkward when talking to people.

Well after 9 months of therapy, soboriety, and anti-depressents (lexpro 20mg per day) I am back to my normal self, I can be on the level of everyone else, and I can hold conversations well, and have a clear headed high when I smoke weed.

Trust me, I know what you were going through. I promise it will get better. Just stay sobor, WORK OUT (i know this sounds silly but im serious it helps your self image and helps you into a better person), and maybe seek anti depressents. They saved my life honestly.

In fact, if you really want a reality check on how bad I was, just click on my profile and look at my threads and look at my "hello, I am what you call an E-tard" thread I made about a year ago.

That was me...and it was so bad I cant put it into words, but the point is I have changed, and you will too, and I promise you will get better.
 
F-EVAN, I'm sorry but I don't really understand what kind of help or advice you try to get here ? Did you mean "support" ? Cuz the fact is, you're shy, that's all ! It's no sickness, but the time you spent on drugs was less time for your mind to learn how to cope with shyness, so now you'll just have to wait a little more. You just need re-adapting with the disturbing fact you are yourself, dude. Get along with who you are, no matter if it's not a loud-mouth like it was before, and try to avoid pot, of course. A friend of mine has known similar situation concerning pot, he smoked almost everyday in highschool and now it makes him anxious. That can happen, is that much important ? I don't think being able to smoke tons of weed should be your major concern right now, you'll try again later, what the hell ! ;)
 
That's very insightful, Lon and it does take time before you find your "true self" after years of drug abuse. I was on so many antidepressants over the years, with adjusting the dosage and switching meds I cannot name them all. But the last was amitriptyline 100 mg and went off them in February I think. I had some adjusting to do but still have my ups and downs.

To the original poster, I really can understand your sense of not being able to have fun unless you're stoned on something. Because being sober does get boring and I'm just being honest as I can, I don't mince words. I was the same as you, about 14 when I started the drugs and that would be anything I could get my hands on, besides alcohol. A recipe for disaster, and my parents also forced me into rehab at age 15 and back then, it was a joke. They would give me weekends furloughs and I would get high with my sisters and friends, even steal weed from my stepmom. I did not take it seriously, more like "hey I don't have to go to school for 3 months, I'm in hospital! Yay" Coming out I went right back to the same shit without a day of sobriety if I could help it. It's so hard changing the whole way you think and live. You didn't mention how long you have been out on your own? It must be so hard for you and my only suggestion if you are up to this, is go to NA meetings. You can meet people going through the same shit as you. Make some real friends who will not judge you and get some new perspective. I wish you the best. ~Theresa
 
Homeless ---> TDS and merge with existing TDS thread.

Edit: Sorry, merging this has thrown some of the responses out of whack :\
 
Hey there, it doesn't sound like there is something wrong with you, just that you are adjusting to living without being high all the time. Drugs can prevent us from developing a lot of life skills like socializing, expressing our feelings, dealing with conflict, etc. If this is the case, then when stopping there will be a period of having to catch up. Be patient with yourself and don't expect yourself to change completely overnight, it's a gradual process. But you'll be fine...
 
After years of hard drug use I no longer feel comfortable being stoned unless im alone or with my best best friend(s).
 
I've been addicted to one drug or another since I was 13. Started off with breaking my arm and being back in the day, I had A LOT of demerol given to me, and from then on, it's been one hell of a rollercoaster ride from one drug to another. Most people say that it's a choice YOU make, and in some ways it is, but in so many other ways, it's a disease no different than diabetes or the like. You are born, already prewired to be an addict, you can thank genetics for that. I've been through rehab seriously twice and relapsed both times before I had even finished. I am now currently hooked on now "bumping" 300 to 500mgs of morphine as well as 80ml a day of methadone, as many benzo's I can get a hold of, as well as the occasional fentenyl patch when I can get one.
Out of everything that I am addicted to, I would much rather come off of any opiate and be drug sick from it than to ever try again and come off of the benzo's. That for me is pure, never ending hell. All that being said, we're all different in some way or another, but also all the same as we were born with this disease, and getting through and past it will be a struggle for each and every one of us in much the same, but also so many different ways, all I can say to you is that is my story, and I wish you well on yours, good luck.
 
i had the same problem with weed. started off smoking in high school every day just mellowing out and being cool no problem. then i graduated to the hard stuff and after about 4 years heavy using i quit everything. now when i smoke i get twitchy and paranoid and it makes me start thinking about the fuck ups ive had. and it gets hard to breathe but i think thats bc of all the cigarettes, weed, coke, ice, and rolls ive snorted. i think my lungs are just shot. so i just dont smoke now. weed has never been a big deal to quit for me. its been proven its not physically addicting, just mental. i just drink on the weekends now. of course, me having a kid helps alot with the long term effects of drugs such as depression
 
I tell you from my expierence with DXM that is probaly your main problem, that and ecstacy, DXM fucks with your social skills hard and well basicaly makes you socialy awkward, its also earth shattering on your nervous system
 
I know EXACTLY what you're going through

I was in your situation a few years ago... doing a lot of the drugs you listed but mainly opiates/synthetic opiates like oxycodone, suboxone, etc. I live in a semi-small town and a lot of my high school friends and their families knew I was involved in selling/buying the aforementioned drugs. Before this time I wasn't generally anxious, and I was using drugs in the years leading up to this point, but one day the anxiety started to grow. It seemed overnight I was unable to smoke marijuana because I would have panic attacks, and I had general anxiety issues while not smoking pot as well. I was in the ER a few times due to panic attacks mainly because I thought something might be wrong with me. I would tell the doctors "I've been smoking pot and using opiates for the last 5 years.... why all of a sudden I cant smoke even a TINY bit of marijuana without having a panic attack?" All they would do is say "well you need to quit doing drugs", give me a xanax and send me home. I quit smoking pot but I don't think this has very much to do with the anxiety. What I noticed caused a lot of anxiety were my own thoughts. Constantly thinking about how others perceived me (like you mentioned) as well as physically walking around with drugs on me, worrying about police while im driving and what-not. After about 5 years of worrying like this it just continues to grow on you I guess. So I started to stay away from as much outside pressure as possible. I played a LOT of video games lol, and mainly just tried to stay away from people I knew, family (wherever possible), etc.....

Today I'm still on suboxone, but nothing else. I went from daily anxiety/depression and occasional panic attacks, being extremely nervous and anxious in class and around other people, to no panic at all and actually enjoying daily life, looking forward to each day.... I've learned to think a different way, a way that doesn't involve giving the smallest SHIT about what other people think. No other single person (except for maybe family members) are as important as your own well being. If they have an issue with you then just know you're capable of telling them to fuck off and not let it bother you at all. The main thing I tell myself when facing a potential anxiety-inducing event (issues at work, issues with school work, problems with your grades, etc) is that none of this is as important as your own mental health and well-being. If you fail a class so what, if you lose your job it wouldn't even be the end of the world, you can go out the next day and apply for 20 different jobs. Nothing besides deaths of family/friends, issues with your own physical health, and other serious events should be the only thing you need to focus on or even feel the slightest bit anxious about. 99% of your mental state is controlled by you... and with some prolonged positive thinking you can fix your current negative state.

I don't know if you read all of this but this is my understanding of how I was able to overcome the anxiety I was experiencing, and it was pretty intense anxiety in relation to what others have experienced (from what I've read on here at least).
 
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