redandgreen
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2012
- Messages
- 34
This morning I woke up and just couldnt get out of bed. For awhile now I've been sleeping ALOT, 9-10 hours a night. A few months ago I had a week where I slept barey 5-6 hours a night and felt fine, actually GREAT and I made great gains in the gym that week, it seemed like so many people noticed me in a positive way, I was social and outgoing, etc. etc.. Even with all this sleep I feel weak and I suck in the gym, my lifts are all pathetic. I wake up with suicidal thoughts, my living situation is not the most ideal and the smallest amount of interpersonal conflict sends me spiralling into depressive thinking. I usually smoke a joint when I wake up as I've become accustomed to it. I'm not really even high for more than twenty minutes, my tolerance is so high and the weed I get is pretty shit around here, it's just something I enjoy with my coffee. I also took 37.5mg of Tramadol and had a healthy breakfast and now a couple hours after waking I feel fine, slightly optimistic, ready to face the day to an extent, which is a stark constrast to the hopelessness and dark thoughts about taking my own life I had this morning. I feel very trapped at times. I am having trouble finding a job which means I can't get out of where I'm living. I just need to save a bit of money and I can move on and its a big stressor in my life right now.
I'm considering taking more trammys but I already feel ok and have a limited supply and I realize the amount I took is such a small amount but I'm not looking to get high off of them (not today at least, I do enjoy getting high though).
My libido flucuates like crazy, some days all I can think about is sex, some days I can't even look a girl in the eye because I feel so low. I quit masturbating and looking at porn a few weeks ago (no fap for you bodybuilding.com misc brahs) and dont have a girlfriend although I think being in a positive relationship would be a real benefit in my life at this point in time and I guess that plays into alot of the majorly flucuating feelings of worth and worthlessness I feel all the time. Sometimes I'm kinda happy with who I am, what I look like, how I act and speak, and some days I get sick just looking in the mirror. I think I have undiagnosed PTSD as well and some traits that borderlines have. I have never been diagnosed with any sort of condition but am just coming to terms with going to see a medical professional to get help in this regard.
I dunno, does anyone else feel like this? I'd like to hear from others that feel all over the place. Like, right now I feel ok. I want to do constructive things and go out and meet people and laugh and have fun. A few hours ago I was thinking how worthless I am and how trapped I feel and how friendless I've come to be, and all the negative parts of my life (there are alot but alot of positive too). Some days (most) i feel bad most of the time but the short moments where I feel really good almost make it worth it. i sometimes get self-destructive when I feel rejected and worthless. Last week was my cousins wedding and I made a stupid mistake in front of alot of people during the ceremony and I had a minor breakdown and basically fled the scene as soon as I could get out and went home and snorted dilaudids to cope. It was such not a big deal at all when I'm thinking about it but I have a very fragile sense of self worth and the smallest thing shatters it/me. I've tried to have a thick skin and the only time I really do not care about what others think is when I'm high / medicated. Well, that's all I just want to have a little discussion on this sort of thing is all. Has anyone seen that Stephen Fry documentary on bipolar depression? I can relate alot to what the people interviewed in it say about their good and bad moods. Thanks
p.s. caffeine usually makes me feel really good and slightly euphoric, and I seem to get some of the worst comedowns off of things like ecstacy and the post-alcohol use depression for me is bad enough that I rarely drink to get drunk. I can smoke cigarettes on and off without having a regular habit but really miss the headrush nicotine used to give me. I don't know, i think some of these things are somehow related to my overall brain chemistry makeup.
I'm considering taking more trammys but I already feel ok and have a limited supply and I realize the amount I took is such a small amount but I'm not looking to get high off of them (not today at least, I do enjoy getting high though).
My libido flucuates like crazy, some days all I can think about is sex, some days I can't even look a girl in the eye because I feel so low. I quit masturbating and looking at porn a few weeks ago (no fap for you bodybuilding.com misc brahs) and dont have a girlfriend although I think being in a positive relationship would be a real benefit in my life at this point in time and I guess that plays into alot of the majorly flucuating feelings of worth and worthlessness I feel all the time. Sometimes I'm kinda happy with who I am, what I look like, how I act and speak, and some days I get sick just looking in the mirror. I think I have undiagnosed PTSD as well and some traits that borderlines have. I have never been diagnosed with any sort of condition but am just coming to terms with going to see a medical professional to get help in this regard.
I dunno, does anyone else feel like this? I'd like to hear from others that feel all over the place. Like, right now I feel ok. I want to do constructive things and go out and meet people and laugh and have fun. A few hours ago I was thinking how worthless I am and how trapped I feel and how friendless I've come to be, and all the negative parts of my life (there are alot but alot of positive too). Some days (most) i feel bad most of the time but the short moments where I feel really good almost make it worth it. i sometimes get self-destructive when I feel rejected and worthless. Last week was my cousins wedding and I made a stupid mistake in front of alot of people during the ceremony and I had a minor breakdown and basically fled the scene as soon as I could get out and went home and snorted dilaudids to cope. It was such not a big deal at all when I'm thinking about it but I have a very fragile sense of self worth and the smallest thing shatters it/me. I've tried to have a thick skin and the only time I really do not care about what others think is when I'm high / medicated. Well, that's all I just want to have a little discussion on this sort of thing is all. Has anyone seen that Stephen Fry documentary on bipolar depression? I can relate alot to what the people interviewed in it say about their good and bad moods. Thanks
p.s. caffeine usually makes me feel really good and slightly euphoric, and I seem to get some of the worst comedowns off of things like ecstacy and the post-alcohol use depression for me is bad enough that I rarely drink to get drunk. I can smoke cigarettes on and off without having a regular habit but really miss the headrush nicotine used to give me. I don't know, i think some of these things are somehow related to my overall brain chemistry makeup.
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