what's my next step?

[bomber]

Hey bluelighters, it's been a while since I last posted here.
So here's the situation. Im basicaly clean for more than a year.
When I stopped heroin, I went to an outpatient program that was supposed to keep me clean and give me some directions in life.The problem was that during my using I developed a way of thinking that couldn't fit in the program. I had learnt my self to only do things I enjoy, not care what others think of me etc, so the self disipline the program demanded from me was not something I could follow.
So I did it alone.
I don't use anything anymore, I hardly even drink. BUT the way of thinking is still the same but I can't keep going like this. Im out of easy ways to get money so I need to fit in again, become a good worker, try to be liked by others, etc.
Question is, how you do that?
I mean I will propably figure this out anyway, as I just not have choises here, but I guess there are others been in those shoes that have something helpfull to say.
So, people that stepped away from the drug culture and just became descent citizens, how did you change your way of thinking? Was it easy?
And when things become rough and you hate the place you are in and just think that "things where much easier when I used drugs"...how do you deal with that thought?
Any help here is apreciated.

 

[herbavore]

The fitting in and being a compliant worker bee is very tough. I most need to keep snarky comments to myself but another thing is to let others talk. "Oh really"" "Wow, amazing that worked? If you just keep giving people little permissions to keep telling their story you'll be considered a brilliant conversationalist.

On fantasizing that things were better when I was using I just need to remember a few of the stories of when things were at their worst, the embarrassing ones, the painful ones, the friendships that got ruined from my side of things etc. I know I wouldn't get back to the "golden era" of my using I'd be pretty quickly back into the mucky part.

Great post OldMac

Hey Bomber! Nice to see you back and to hear about everything you have been doing.

I'm not sure I could live doing only things that felt good to me. Where is the challenge in that? Where is the surprise? Most of the best things that have come to me in life have not been when I was pursuing familiar pleasures but when I had to force myself out of my comfort zone. I never thought I could teacjh or even that I would want to teach but at one point it was the best option so I forced myself to give it a try--turns out it was one of the most satisfying parts of my life to date. You never know....

Think outside the box. Could you resell things on ebay? Could you take a course and be a river guide? Could you get a night desk job at a hotel and read all night? Could you drive for Lyft? Idk--just throwing things out there that do not necessarily involve the whole resume/interview/status quo approach to earning a living.

 

[bomber]

The fitting in and being a compliant worker bee is very tough. I most need to keep snarky comments to myself but another thing is to let others talk. "Oh really"" "Wow, amazing that worked? If you just keep giving people little permissions to keep telling their story you'll be considered a brilliant conversationalist.

On fantasizing that things were better when I was using I just need to remember a few of the stories of when things were at their worst, the embarrassing ones, the painful ones, the friendships that got ruined from my side of things etc. I know I wouldn't get back to the "golden era" of my using I'd be pretty quickly back into the mucky part.

True, you know even though Im clean for more than a year, Im not ready to tell my self that Im not touching drugs again. More likely, I tell my self that the time isn't right but in the back of my mind I still fantasise I will live the "golden era" somewhen again.
Though I think that some day I will reach a point that I won't even find the idea of drugs apealing, being happy with out them.

 

[bomber]

Hey Herb, glad you answerd. Always good to read your positive views.
Well, you are right about doing only things you find apealing ain't a good way to go. I started developing this way of thinking during my drug use, and it's something I need to snap out of.
The funny part is that when I started developing this way of thinking, I thought I was actually catching the meaning of life. "Wow heroin improves my personality, Im starting to love my self and care about my own desires", I was telling to my self.But that's how you lose trust on your self to build and plan, and that leads to a point you realise you didn't love your self as you thought.
I like the thinking out of the box part, build a path I like is the best direction I can think of, though I need to mentaly work on that first, as it's long now that I don't plan, only following directions that I think life gives me.

 

[herbavore]

I don't really see anything inherently wrong with telling yourself that your abstinence doesn't have to be forever. I did that when I quit drugs many years ago. But the years without accumulated and you develop new ways to meet your needs without drugs , just the same as you found how to navigate your life on drugs. The whole process is your life!

I like the metaphor of building the path as you go--that's a great one. That is pretty much my strategy. Put one foot out and see where it lands. Make a decision to either keep going in that direction, pivot or make a turn, or maybe even stop at any given step and rest. When you get a good balance of head (thoughts) and heart (drive, thirst for life) you'll be building that path like a master builder!