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What To Do When You're Married and You Hate It. No Sex. No Intimacy. Just the Kids.

eyeslikethesun

eyeslikethesun

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 19, 2012
Messages
18
Location
Buford, GA
Here, I have been in such a position for some time; since 1999 (we got married in 2000). We were both going to the University of Georgia... she didn't know one fucking thing about sex and even now, she goes through it like she's putting a recipe together for dinner. My wife is lucky, I suppose, because I don't like BJ's (especially hers); I have to KNOW that the girl can get it done...not go half way and suddenly forget her keys in the car.

I've enjoyed sex modestly, I'm 45 now--my whole fucking life has been wasted jerkin' off to the sound of my wife! Anyway, sex has been okay normally for me although I'm out of shape now. You know, not too much but only sometimes in a place where I have to rely on my own "jumpin' jack flash". I've had two affairs (I hope she doesn't dial in to BL). My God. I have to tell...SOMEBODY. It was an affair, yes, and she was an Uzbek girl some eighteen years my junior. I used to never let girls go down on me but she got down there and took care of business. I could not believe how wonderful a "real" blowjob felt until I Vic gave me one. Truly, I still don't like them from people who don't know what the hell they're doing but Vic was outta the park!

So my question is. What do I do? Obviously, this is me, this is where I'm supposed to be, now, gonna let the light... (it's a song). I know. It's my monkey but I need someone to love me??? J/k. Anybody out there know of some good direction? I'm all ears. Does anybody need more info about the type girl I would like? ...or the type girl I have??? ...or if I'm a freak from hell?? I'm not, really, I'm just from hell. :-)

ii's
 
It sounds like you married a girl without getting to know her too well first, am I right?

Are you contemplating making changes in your life? I can't really tell what you want to do based on the tone of your post.

Personally, if you've had two affairs, you owe it to yourself to be true to yourself... if you don't want to be with your wife, divorce her. If you want your sex life to improve, talk to your wife about it - remaining silent doesn't benefit anyone. You can't expect anything to get better without making any changes, or attempting to change anything yourself.
 
what do i say to this?

do you want advice on how to cheat on your wife? or simply for us to justify it for you?

why did you marry someone you have no chemistry with? surely you are with your wife for a reason:\
 
so many points to address; and i hope in attempting to reply; i dont get too sidetracked and i can be of some assistance (pardon me also, im overworked like most this mad season and its late).

firstly the sex; in marriage; especially after children couples often forget to/or how to be sexy. to remind themselves of the early days and times prior to having children where they would flirt with one another, invoke intense attraction between one another; even be a little naughty and unexpectedly sexually explicit. if you want that back; you have to work at it. and hard. but if you truly want a better sex life; it will be worth the effort. make her feel sexy again, flirt with her; drive her senses wild and be prepared at times to back off. these are the steps to healing your sex life. if you respectfully back off at times she seems disinterested while still making her feel like the centre of your universe and as though you respect her wishes, but love her unconditionally all the same; she will eventually come back to you and throw herself at you. its all about breaking bad habits and creating trust, appeal and attraction again.

now the communication issue; you arrived here. thats proof enough. you and your wife now struggle to communicate with one another about the important issues in your marriage. going back to when you first met; i bet you could spend hours discussing everything in life; things of interest, desires/dreams/aspirations once upon a time. when did that change? and more importantly; how long will you allow it to continue? if you truly want to rebuild your marriage into a healthy one, i suggest breaching that barrier. if its impossible with the children around; arrange a weekend for a family member or trusted friend to take care of your children, and take your wife out, and really talk with her. dont lay down disappointments or expectations. really talk with her again; the way you did before you were married. the way you did, when you fell in love. you wont heal your marriage in one weekend; but you will build trust and reopen the lines of communication; this is important and a vital stepping stone to healing and again; in breaking bad habits.

giving up entirely and finding another partner; that is entirely up to you and only you can decide whether your marriage has gotten that stale that you are prepared to sacrifice that union and all that has been shared; and explore something new.

good luck op. <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Surely there must have been some sort of chesmitry between the two of you for you to get married? (Although getting married after a year seems a bit precipitated...)
Have you actually spoken about these issues to your wife? You'd be surprised the difference a little communication can make. I also second what kytnism said about having to make efforts to bring back your sex life - pay special attention to her, etc.

Do you actually want to be with your wife? If you've already had two affairs and can't see things getting better, maybe it's time to consider it...it's not fair for her for you to 'force' yourself to stay with her while being dishonest to her behind her back.
 
How old are the kids?

Personally if you can't put the spark back, if you've realized all you ever had was superficial, and there's nothing deeper to hold you 2 together, I would suggest splitting up as early as you can, so as not to damage the kids too much - if they are young young, then you disappear and they are left thinking it's about them, or generally not understanding but getting stuff stuck in their subconscious...IF they're a little older, it's family meeting time if you have realized the above.

No use making the vibrations any worse if you're not happy with your wife - on a level everyone in the house will pick up on it, and things will turn out not very nicely for all of you for a while until you've each gotten over the damage.
 
It doesn't sound like your wife after 20 yrs is suddenly going to change into a sexual vixen, no matter how much you sit down and talk this through. In fact I'm sure if you bought these feelings up she is just as likely going to react negatively or at the very least develop some insecurities. If the rest of your relationship is great, you enjoy her company when out with friends etc, why not just get a mistress? If sex is important, but not enough of a deal breaker to divorce your wife over then get yourself something on the side to release the tension so to speak. It isn't moral I admit, and you must ensure your wife never finds out, but if the guilt is not going to eat you up then perhaps you need someone discrete to fill the void.
 
I like your idea! I'm pretty much devoid of moral integrity. These guys up here (the ones who posted just before you did) are all right. I mean, what do I want you all to do? Give me a script and run through it with her? And friends. What friends? I'm void there too but let us not digress.
Thanks for the saying what I REALLY wanted to hear, Howzat?!

Hope to talk to you again soon.
ii's
 
if all you were seeking in making this thread; was support to further cheat on your wife while delaying the inevitable outcome and later suffer the consequences of effecting everyone involved (your children also, someday); you should have made your intention of outcome much clearer.

while i have personal views on this issue; youre a grown assed man that doesnt need a slap over the wrists to know that what youve done is consequently wrong by others. moral is subjective; and you clearly stated yourself that youre devoid in that regard and arent seeking advice; moreso the support of another member with little moral retribution to agree with you; i have nothing further to add to this topic.

merry christmas op.

...kytnism...:|
 
eyeslikethesun said:
I like your idea! I'm pretty much devoid of moral integrity. These guys up here (the ones who posted just before you did) are all right. I mean, what do I want you all to do? Give me a script and run through it with her? And friends. What friends? I'm void there too but let us not digress.
Thanks for the saying what I REALLY wanted to hear, Howzat?!

Hope to talk to you again soon.
ii's
Click to expand...

Were you just looking for reassurance that it was fine that you'd cheated on your wife and that this was the logical thing for you to do or something?
Cheating's horrible and if you're hoping for this to save your marriage, you're blatantly wrong. The odds of your wife finding out eventually are very high and when she does, I doubt there will be much hope for your marriage to endure, or at least not without huge difficulty.
Long shot but have you ever spoken to her about having an open relationship? You know, she might feel like you don't satisfy her sexually either and would also like to be able to go look elsewhere....
 
My advice is leave. It doesn't matter how old the kids are. Do right by them. Since you flat out said you have no moral integrity it's more likely you'll pass that on to them than whatever good traits you might have. I'm sure I'll sound like a dick for saying you'd be doing everyone involved a favor if you end it now. I mean have you considered that maybe the problem is you. I am wondering though did your marriage start based on love or things that you thought you wanted out of life. You just sound so nonchalant about all of this that I've gotta' wonder if there was ever anything there in the relationship to begin with. I mean really it just sounds like you want validation here and that ultimately you don't give a fuck.
 
its not surprising that all you want is someone to justify your behaviour to you:\

who doesn't.

for me personally i have to question the mentality of some who gets married after one year when there is no chemistry and the sex is bad.

the kids are in the title but not the original post. are they the only thing tying you to her or is this a marriage made of mortgage?
 
Maybe I missed it but usually people staying for the kids actually *mention* the kids. This is just selfishness at its finest with the kids being a crutch excuse.
 
I feel for you OP, some (most, if you ask me) women just do not know how to give good head. But hey look on the bright side, at least you get head even if it's bad. You shouldn't have had that affair with Vic and found out what a good BJ is all about. It made going back to the wifey all that more awful.
 
thing is that i am of the school that some people aren't good in bed and are unteachable. you can try but its pissing into the wind.

just like some people can cook well and some people can drive well/do somersaults/dive from 30 feet perfectly

everyone is different and some people have the capacity to learn and to others its not as easy
 
rangrz said:
Stick it in her pooper.
Click to expand...

I may be missing something from his original post but she doesn't sound like the type of woman who would be receptive to anal sex. Then again I don't have a penis and don't have much experience in coercing lovers into sticking objects back there.
 
BeachBum4u said:
I can tell you first-hand, NEVER stay for the kids. It's a polluted environment and usually doesn't accomplish anything but teach your kids how to settle and that a broken marriage is OK.
Click to expand...

Very true. My parents have been sticking together even though their relationship is horrible and it completely fucked up my siblings & me, much more than if they'd been divorced I'm sure. Although as has been mentioned, OP doesn't seem to have that much concern for the kids frankly :\
 
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