BlueBull
Moderator: MDMA
TL;DR at bottom
I read a lot of topics in this part of the forum before posting and my conclusion is that my situation isn't that bad compared to 99% of the topics here, but nonetheless I'd like some advice.
I've been struggling with anxiety all my life, well as far as back as I can remember that is. It wasn't so bad when I was really young, let's say from the age I have memories up until 12 or so. But then I hit puberty...
I've always felt different from just about anyone I know in both appearance and personality. I'm much more emotional, naive, stressed and introverted than most people I know. I am affected by how I think people perceive and judge me a lot and think about every tiny detail of my person, the way I walk, the tone of my voice, if I have a smile on my face or not, my clothes, the music I listen to,... The list goes on, I am constantly monitoring those details to make sure I don't stand out. And it was because of this I acted differently than others. I was/am under constant stress, physical and mental, because of this. The physical aspect being my shoulders used to cramp up when I was around other people, I literally lifted up my shoulders because I tensed up the muscles in them without noticing. My digestive track is messed up all the time because of this inner stress. My abs are constantly tense too when I am outside. On top of that I am very slim, on the edge of being unhealthy, though I eat A LOT. That's the physical aspect. The mental aspect is just that my thoughts race constantly, I am just constantly thinking about how other people perceive me, combined with a million other thoughts every second of the day. I have a naturally low confidence, I respond very bad to criticism and so on.
All those differences compared to other people, amplified by my own thoughts which in turn amplified that stress which in turn made me act even more awkward, made me an easy target to be bullied in school. This started when I hit puberty and my thoughts and emotions went completely haywire. Which made me act weirder in turn. If a stranger talked to me I instantly turned a bright red and my mind went blank, while I am usually a very talkative person. Much more so when it was a girl that talked to me. And all through high school the bullying continued and worsened. Up until the point I was suicidal. I've had 2 unsuccessful "suicide attempts' which looking back now were more of a cry for help, well the first one was, the second I survived was a bit of dumb luck, I took too many painkillers and vomited because my stomach couldn't take that. This entire situation made me lash out at everyone close to me because I felt alone, because I felt (and this is, looking back, completely unjustified) that someone close, like my parents, should notice and help me without me coming out and telling someone. I was in a deep dark hole and saw no way out. I was sent to a psych because I was uncontrollable in school, I lashed out at every figure of authority too because to me it felt like they too were trying to push me down by making me obey and I couldn't take that. This made things worse because not only didn't that psych help at all, the bullies found out and all of the sudden I was not only awkward but crazy too according to them.
That's the anxiety story. On top of that I have a lot of problems concentrating, I procrastinate a lot (don't know if this is the right word, postponing important tasks while you know this is going to cause problems). Whenever my life seems to take a positive turn I seem to do something to mess that up. Doing better in school? Let's drop out of school and start working at age 18. I have a girlfriend? Let's put all my problems on her shoulders so she leaves. Situation at home getting better? Let's start a war over something small. Girl interested in me? Let's always think the worst and over-think every single detail until her interest goes away because of my indecision.
I'm now at a point in my life were I'm not suicidal anymore (I'm 25 now, my suicidal period was up until about 20) but the latent anxiety coupled with the concentration problems and the general feeling of being worth less than others are holding me back A LOT. I'm 25 and only now reaching the end of my college education, I should've graduated 4 years ago but worked a few years in stead. I need to do one more year after this and I'm finished but if I don't tackle these problems now I will probably find some way to mess that up too and this is literally my last chance, if I don't make it now it's off to work for good without a degree. My love life is almost non-existent, I've had quite a few relationships mind you but I as I said I always mess those up one way or another.
The last few years I've been experimenting with self medication a bit and that worked wonders. First came weed (which I started doing early, at age 13). It calmed me down, eased my anxiety a bit and my once racing thoughts (which drive me insane now still) were calmer too. But in the long run it caused other problems and the anxiety, while dulled a bit, came through even when high. So now after 12 years of heavy smoking I've quit, the benefits do not outweigh the downside anymore. But quitting has made the anxiety, which was pushed back, rear up again in full force and I'm back to where I was years ago. What helped me a lot too was firstly ADHD/ADD medication, which a friend provided me to try out. All of the sudden I could concentrate, my grades went up and I generally was more outgoing and goal-oriented but I only had a limited supply, just to try it. And secondly anxiety medication (Benzodiazepine) which a friend also provided to try out. This made me into the person I want to be, I was confident, outgoing, not so stressed, I sought out new people. In short I felt what it was like to be normal for a while. But again, limited supply.
And so I've decided to go see a psych again to see what can be done, because the way things are going now I'm going to mess up again and I want to remedy that before it happens. So my question is what do I tell my psych? I'm not so sure I want to be on benzos for the rest of my life because they are addictive but I do think the ADHD/ADD medication is something that would really really help me. Problem is I can't just go and say 'I want a prescription' can I? I know at first there are other options, like regular therapy. But I don't think that's something that would benefit me. I've been to about 8 psychologists when I was younger (14 up until about 20 years old) and none of them did any good whatsoever. I'm a person that doesn't change easily, that doesn't respond well to therapy at all and that has a lot of difficulty incorporating the advice given in therapy in my life. Almost all of them wanted to test me for ADD but I refused at that time and so was never diagnosed. I was scared those bullies in school were going to find out and use it as ammo. Plus I don't want to be in therapy for long periods of time, I want to get on with my life and leave these problems behind me and furthermore I don't have the time for 10 therapy sessions.
So should I tell the psychologist this entire story and hope they don't bury me under long periods of therapy sessions which in the long run aren't going to be much help? Should I just say I want to be tested for ADD and after that's done tell them about the anxiety. Or should I just be honest and tell them I've experimented with different forms of self-medication and found out ADHD/ADD medication (and possibly benzos, though I'm hesitant of this) help me a lot and I think that for me those are the best solution? Furthermore are there any anxiety medications other than benzos that aren't addictive or damaging or anything? Could be that that's impossible but I've had a taste of a "quick fix" to my problems and I want to be able to have that again long-term, or at least until after college...
Sorry for the long tread, it's my chaotic nature, I tend to explain things waaaaaaaaaaay to lengthy
Thanks a lot if you've read it and more thanks if you have some advice
TL;DR - I've got terrible problems concentrating and have anxiety. I did self medication and know ADHD medication and benzos help me A LOT. I don't want to be in therapy for long (no time and 8 different therapists didn't help me in the past). Goal is to finish school which won't succeed if I don't do something about these problems. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist because this has to be solved. Should I tell my story and hope for the best or just straight up ask for medication (ADHD medication I really want, I am hesitant of benzos)?
I read a lot of topics in this part of the forum before posting and my conclusion is that my situation isn't that bad compared to 99% of the topics here, but nonetheless I'd like some advice.
I've been struggling with anxiety all my life, well as far as back as I can remember that is. It wasn't so bad when I was really young, let's say from the age I have memories up until 12 or so. But then I hit puberty...
I've always felt different from just about anyone I know in both appearance and personality. I'm much more emotional, naive, stressed and introverted than most people I know. I am affected by how I think people perceive and judge me a lot and think about every tiny detail of my person, the way I walk, the tone of my voice, if I have a smile on my face or not, my clothes, the music I listen to,... The list goes on, I am constantly monitoring those details to make sure I don't stand out. And it was because of this I acted differently than others. I was/am under constant stress, physical and mental, because of this. The physical aspect being my shoulders used to cramp up when I was around other people, I literally lifted up my shoulders because I tensed up the muscles in them without noticing. My digestive track is messed up all the time because of this inner stress. My abs are constantly tense too when I am outside. On top of that I am very slim, on the edge of being unhealthy, though I eat A LOT. That's the physical aspect. The mental aspect is just that my thoughts race constantly, I am just constantly thinking about how other people perceive me, combined with a million other thoughts every second of the day. I have a naturally low confidence, I respond very bad to criticism and so on.
All those differences compared to other people, amplified by my own thoughts which in turn amplified that stress which in turn made me act even more awkward, made me an easy target to be bullied in school. This started when I hit puberty and my thoughts and emotions went completely haywire. Which made me act weirder in turn. If a stranger talked to me I instantly turned a bright red and my mind went blank, while I am usually a very talkative person. Much more so when it was a girl that talked to me. And all through high school the bullying continued and worsened. Up until the point I was suicidal. I've had 2 unsuccessful "suicide attempts' which looking back now were more of a cry for help, well the first one was, the second I survived was a bit of dumb luck, I took too many painkillers and vomited because my stomach couldn't take that. This entire situation made me lash out at everyone close to me because I felt alone, because I felt (and this is, looking back, completely unjustified) that someone close, like my parents, should notice and help me without me coming out and telling someone. I was in a deep dark hole and saw no way out. I was sent to a psych because I was uncontrollable in school, I lashed out at every figure of authority too because to me it felt like they too were trying to push me down by making me obey and I couldn't take that. This made things worse because not only didn't that psych help at all, the bullies found out and all of the sudden I was not only awkward but crazy too according to them.
That's the anxiety story. On top of that I have a lot of problems concentrating, I procrastinate a lot (don't know if this is the right word, postponing important tasks while you know this is going to cause problems). Whenever my life seems to take a positive turn I seem to do something to mess that up. Doing better in school? Let's drop out of school and start working at age 18. I have a girlfriend? Let's put all my problems on her shoulders so she leaves. Situation at home getting better? Let's start a war over something small. Girl interested in me? Let's always think the worst and over-think every single detail until her interest goes away because of my indecision.
I'm now at a point in my life were I'm not suicidal anymore (I'm 25 now, my suicidal period was up until about 20) but the latent anxiety coupled with the concentration problems and the general feeling of being worth less than others are holding me back A LOT. I'm 25 and only now reaching the end of my college education, I should've graduated 4 years ago but worked a few years in stead. I need to do one more year after this and I'm finished but if I don't tackle these problems now I will probably find some way to mess that up too and this is literally my last chance, if I don't make it now it's off to work for good without a degree. My love life is almost non-existent, I've had quite a few relationships mind you but I as I said I always mess those up one way or another.
The last few years I've been experimenting with self medication a bit and that worked wonders. First came weed (which I started doing early, at age 13). It calmed me down, eased my anxiety a bit and my once racing thoughts (which drive me insane now still) were calmer too. But in the long run it caused other problems and the anxiety, while dulled a bit, came through even when high. So now after 12 years of heavy smoking I've quit, the benefits do not outweigh the downside anymore. But quitting has made the anxiety, which was pushed back, rear up again in full force and I'm back to where I was years ago. What helped me a lot too was firstly ADHD/ADD medication, which a friend provided me to try out. All of the sudden I could concentrate, my grades went up and I generally was more outgoing and goal-oriented but I only had a limited supply, just to try it. And secondly anxiety medication (Benzodiazepine) which a friend also provided to try out. This made me into the person I want to be, I was confident, outgoing, not so stressed, I sought out new people. In short I felt what it was like to be normal for a while. But again, limited supply.
And so I've decided to go see a psych again to see what can be done, because the way things are going now I'm going to mess up again and I want to remedy that before it happens. So my question is what do I tell my psych? I'm not so sure I want to be on benzos for the rest of my life because they are addictive but I do think the ADHD/ADD medication is something that would really really help me. Problem is I can't just go and say 'I want a prescription' can I? I know at first there are other options, like regular therapy. But I don't think that's something that would benefit me. I've been to about 8 psychologists when I was younger (14 up until about 20 years old) and none of them did any good whatsoever. I'm a person that doesn't change easily, that doesn't respond well to therapy at all and that has a lot of difficulty incorporating the advice given in therapy in my life. Almost all of them wanted to test me for ADD but I refused at that time and so was never diagnosed. I was scared those bullies in school were going to find out and use it as ammo. Plus I don't want to be in therapy for long periods of time, I want to get on with my life and leave these problems behind me and furthermore I don't have the time for 10 therapy sessions.
So should I tell the psychologist this entire story and hope they don't bury me under long periods of therapy sessions which in the long run aren't going to be much help? Should I just say I want to be tested for ADD and after that's done tell them about the anxiety. Or should I just be honest and tell them I've experimented with different forms of self-medication and found out ADHD/ADD medication (and possibly benzos, though I'm hesitant of this) help me a lot and I think that for me those are the best solution? Furthermore are there any anxiety medications other than benzos that aren't addictive or damaging or anything? Could be that that's impossible but I've had a taste of a "quick fix" to my problems and I want to be able to have that again long-term, or at least until after college...
Sorry for the long tread, it's my chaotic nature, I tend to explain things waaaaaaaaaaay to lengthy
Thanks a lot if you've read it and more thanks if you have some adviceTL;DR - I've got terrible problems concentrating and have anxiety. I did self medication and know ADHD medication and benzos help me A LOT. I don't want to be in therapy for long (no time and 8 different therapists didn't help me in the past). Goal is to finish school which won't succeed if I don't do something about these problems. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist because this has to be solved. Should I tell my story and hope for the best or just straight up ask for medication (ADHD medication I really want, I am hesitant of benzos)?
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