painenduser
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2011
- Messages
- 404
Hey all,
As you all know and are probably sick of hearing me talk about my mortality, first allow me to apologize as I know it seems as though I am obsessing of the subject of my finals days, it's just that my Dr's seem to be getting more and more towards me getting a liver transplant and it's hard to get on the list, hell it's hard enough for me to just get a freakin appointment with the only hospital in the area that does transplants, so I am sorry to bring up yet another topic that has me curious since I currently do not have any final plans set up yet such as a will, and a DNR ect.. And I keep talking about it because as each day passes, I am 1 day closer to my final days and the days seem to be going by very quickly.
However while I am working on that there are some new family issues that have just kicked up. My family is literally falling apart, and I can't help but to take responsibility of it as the all the problems seem to have stemmed from my alcoholism in some how some way. I am currently trying as hard as I can to make amends with all of my family members that I feel that I have hurt. My addiction has caused many members of my family to distance themselves from me. Arguments occur between members pertaining to me. Other arguments can range from people such as my mother who tries to protect me and stand up for me as she took me in when I was really sick. While I was becoming very sick I actually pulled myself away from the family because I was too embarrassed of my illness (being drunk) so I isolated myself from everyone from my entire family, ever when I first became really ill I still kept away and it wasn't until I was hospitalized before I reached out to my family. I am still trying to physically recover (yes I know most of you know my full story so this is the abridged version.
My mother really hurts when my family treat me like some strung out asshole, yet I have over 502 days sober. Originally my family was mad at me because I was relapsing and insisted that I go in for treatment and go to AA. What those members of my family don't know because they refused to listen to me when I would try to talk to them about it was that I had gone into treatment (rehaps) a number of times, probably close to 10, I refinanced my house to allow me to spent many thousands of $$$$ to go to an out of state 35 day in patient detox and rehab,and kept going to AA meetings, the problem was that even though I went though all of that I would continue to relapse, so I decided to do it my way and my way only and I now have over 502 days sobriety. Having accomplished that and being that my end time is seemingly coming up all to fast, I figured there is no better time then now to start trying to right my wrongs, take responsibilities for all of my actions while I was sick, such as my isolation from the family, the missing if birthdays, not spending anytime or even calling on the holidays. Then once I was really sick and they told my parents I wasnt going to survive during the time in the hospital, my mother asked me to move in and live out my time with my mother and step dad. Even as sick as I was I still wound up relapsing while at my mothers house. As you can imagine this did not go ever well with anyone in my family, but after that last time is when I pit my action into action to clean myself up and remain clean and thats just what I did over the 500+ days ago I keep mentioning, which I keep mentioning because I am very proud of that. But the main point to all this is that I have been trying to reach out to family members, some I have never met because they are on my fathers side of the family and he passed away when I was only 7 so I really don't know much about my father, pr my fathers family, my mother really never told me much about him and a good number of people in his family with a few minor exceptions pretty much stopped connecting with us not to long after he passed away.
While I am having a wonderful time getting to know again, and meeting new members of my family from my fathers side of the family, I am not having much luck with the family on my mothers side of the family of which I grew up with and they would be the ones I feel that I have hurt and or let down due to my addiction. Last night I sent my aunt of whom as of late does not even acknowledge my existence while we are in the same room a letter explaining my situation, I was owning up to all the things that I felt I had done wrong and how I felt I in a way was disrespectful towards her and I let her down. I tried to explain that right now I haven't much time left depending on if I can get a transplant and I don't want to go out of this life with out having apologized to her and I would like to try and make amends, and I said exactly the following,
Now, there was much more in her email back to me that was VERY degrading, insulting, and just plain wrong. She told me that since I have moved in with me mother I have become "demanding, appear ungrateful and have continued to make selfish decisions that hurt others, I.e. driving under the influence of pain medication and rear ending another car. You had no regard for the life of the person that you hit or for your mother and Roger, who, I am sure, paid your legal fees. "
All of which are completely incorrect. 1-demanding, appear ungrateful - I do not see where she can even get that from as my mother certainly has not said anything like that to her. Also, I am currently on welfare, and as such I get a very minimal amount of food stamps and cash allowance per month. To help my mother and step father to offset some of the costs of me living here with them I am currently paying 100% of all the groceries each month for the 3 of us. As for the cash, that comes next.. 2-have continued to make selfish decisions that hurt others, I.e. driving under the influence of pain medication and rear ending another car. You had no regard for the life of the person that you hit or for your mother and Roger, who, I am sure, paid your legal fees.- I make no decisions within this household with out talking to my parents first..Having said that a number of weeks ago my parents came to me and said that since I am contributing to the finances of the house and as well some of their furniture and appliances have broken down and they have been replaced with furniture and appliances from my house which is currently foredisclosure, that I may now actually call this my home as opposed to just living here because I had no where else to goto as I am disabled and unable to work. So they have told me that 1/3rd of this house is not mine. As for the accident, I was not under the influence of the pain meds at the time though I was arrested at the seen for dui, however, the reasoning for this was because the officer at the scene asked me to do a field sobriety test because he saw a pill bottle in my cup holder in my truck and asked if he could look at it and it was my dilaudid which I always carry with me as I never know when I will need it and for me its like holding a safety blanket, so I carry it with me everywhere. The bad news was that I failed the field sobriety test because I had broken my bog toe in the accident and I could not walk straight or do any of the balance tests because I was in a crap load of pain to which I went to the hospital the next day to make sure if they tried to push the dui based on that it would make it inadmissible (to which I later found out that the field sobriety test alone is never admissible in the great state of NJ.) I also blew a 0.0 as I haven't drank in 502 days. They also brought in a DUI specialist which they now have to do in any DUI case in NJ who does a full work up by checking your pupil response, checks up your nose to see if you've been snorting anything blah blah blah, long story short, they threw out the dui. As for my parents paying my legal fee's, first of all it is none of her god damn business anyway, but yes my parents did pay for my dui lawyer because once they make the decision to arrest you for it, it must go to court, they can't just rip it up and say oops I made a mistake he wasnt loaded. However my parents and I have made an agreement that a percentage of the groceries that I am paying for plus a small amount of cash that I get from my welfare cash monies go to them to pay them back for the lawyer. So once again my Aunt has no clue what the hell she is talking about and again it's none what so ever about her business and she was wrong on all accounts.. There is more to the message she sent me, but those are the ones that pissed me off the most when all I was doing was see if we could make amends and try to be a family again now that I am sober, but sadly on borrowed time. After that requests she blows up back at me with all of that, and it hit me very hard, I am very very hurt by he words and actions. It's been eating at me for 2 days now, and has taken me from sadness to angry to rage to hopeless to confused, pretty much every negative emotion one cold have, I have been going through. I pretty much want to give up on this whole making amends thing, even though I know that I shouldn't as I know it was just one person, however my aunt was the one that I always felt the closest too and the one I respected the most, and the one I hoped out of all the people I have hurt, she would be the most understanding and come back into my life, and that's the response I get...
Now the whole point to this stupidly long and probably aggravating "(even to you all for having to have read it, sorry
) is that I am so mad at her that I do not even want her at my funeral, let alone in my life anymore. I have asked my mother that if something happens to me prior to filling out my will is to tell her she (my aunt btw who is my moms sister) is not welcome to come to my funeral. I do not want her there. If she can't respect me enough to learn the truths about my life now, and atleast consider or show any respect to me for the letter I sent to her, then I do not have any respect for her and she can go have a party when I pass.
I get the fact that I probably have a few years left if life, but it's only at best a few years providing I don't get the transplant. I just saw my Dr recently and he told me that things were looking great according to my blood work, but that actually means that things are not looking good for my liver. With my liver disease having to perfect liver enzyme levels can actually mean that my liver is so shot it has no more mass to leach out the enzymes and that is not a good thing and it also coincides with the lethargy and confusion and memory issues I have had as of late. Statistically a person with my double dose of diseases pass within 5 years of first diagnosis, and that would be anytime between now and 3 more years and I am damn scared, extremely scared. All I wanted was to apologize and help to put the family back together that are broken apart because of me, and this is the thanks I get. It's reasons like this that make me not want the transplant. I know you all have heard me talk about this is another post as some of you were very helpful and gave me a lot of encouragement, but I just don't know how to keep trying to over come things like this. I am really just starting to have enough of this, and I don't know how to handle this anymore. It seems the harder I try to make things better since I know I can't make it perfect, the worse my world seems to keep falling down around me.. This feeling of hopelessness is getting worse and worse. I don't have suicide thoughts, but I don't have the drive or the will to fight the fight to keep myself well and almost no willingness to get the transplant because I do not want to live another 10-20 years like this with the only battle won being the battle for my sobriety.
So while I have gone OT, I would like to know if there is anyway to keep her from attending my funeral?
can I have a clause that says she can be arrested if she tries to shows?
Anyway, I'm done whining now, I need a good cry, or maybe a loaded 9 mill. :~(
Peace
As you all know and are probably sick of hearing me talk about my mortality, first allow me to apologize as I know it seems as though I am obsessing of the subject of my finals days, it's just that my Dr's seem to be getting more and more towards me getting a liver transplant and it's hard to get on the list, hell it's hard enough for me to just get a freakin appointment with the only hospital in the area that does transplants, so I am sorry to bring up yet another topic that has me curious since I currently do not have any final plans set up yet such as a will, and a DNR ect.. And I keep talking about it because as each day passes, I am 1 day closer to my final days and the days seem to be going by very quickly.
However while I am working on that there are some new family issues that have just kicked up. My family is literally falling apart, and I can't help but to take responsibility of it as the all the problems seem to have stemmed from my alcoholism in some how some way. I am currently trying as hard as I can to make amends with all of my family members that I feel that I have hurt. My addiction has caused many members of my family to distance themselves from me. Arguments occur between members pertaining to me. Other arguments can range from people such as my mother who tries to protect me and stand up for me as she took me in when I was really sick. While I was becoming very sick I actually pulled myself away from the family because I was too embarrassed of my illness (being drunk) so I isolated myself from everyone from my entire family, ever when I first became really ill I still kept away and it wasn't until I was hospitalized before I reached out to my family. I am still trying to physically recover (yes I know most of you know my full story so this is the abridged version.
My mother really hurts when my family treat me like some strung out asshole, yet I have over 502 days sober. Originally my family was mad at me because I was relapsing and insisted that I go in for treatment and go to AA. What those members of my family don't know because they refused to listen to me when I would try to talk to them about it was that I had gone into treatment (rehaps) a number of times, probably close to 10, I refinanced my house to allow me to spent many thousands of $$$$ to go to an out of state 35 day in patient detox and rehab,and kept going to AA meetings, the problem was that even though I went though all of that I would continue to relapse, so I decided to do it my way and my way only and I now have over 502 days sobriety. Having accomplished that and being that my end time is seemingly coming up all to fast, I figured there is no better time then now to start trying to right my wrongs, take responsibilities for all of my actions while I was sick, such as my isolation from the family, the missing if birthdays, not spending anytime or even calling on the holidays. Then once I was really sick and they told my parents I wasnt going to survive during the time in the hospital, my mother asked me to move in and live out my time with my mother and step dad. Even as sick as I was I still wound up relapsing while at my mothers house. As you can imagine this did not go ever well with anyone in my family, but after that last time is when I pit my action into action to clean myself up and remain clean and thats just what I did over the 500+ days ago I keep mentioning, which I keep mentioning because I am very proud of that. But the main point to all this is that I have been trying to reach out to family members, some I have never met because they are on my fathers side of the family and he passed away when I was only 7 so I really don't know much about my father, pr my fathers family, my mother really never told me much about him and a good number of people in his family with a few minor exceptions pretty much stopped connecting with us not to long after he passed away.
While I am having a wonderful time getting to know again, and meeting new members of my family from my fathers side of the family, I am not having much luck with the family on my mothers side of the family of which I grew up with and they would be the ones I feel that I have hurt and or let down due to my addiction. Last night I sent my aunt of whom as of late does not even acknowledge my existence while we are in the same room a letter explaining my situation, I was owning up to all the things that I felt I had done wrong and how I felt I in a way was disrespectful towards her and I let her down. I tried to explain that right now I haven't much time left depending on if I can get a transplant and I don't want to go out of this life with out having apologized to her and I would like to try and make amends, and I said exactly the following,
Now, there was much more in her email back to me that was VERY degrading, insulting, and just plain wrong. She told me that since I have moved in with me mother I have become "demanding, appear ungrateful and have continued to make selfish decisions that hurt others, I.e. driving under the influence of pain medication and rear ending another car. You had no regard for the life of the person that you hit or for your mother and Roger, who, I am sure, paid your legal fees. "
All of which are completely incorrect. 1-demanding, appear ungrateful - I do not see where she can even get that from as my mother certainly has not said anything like that to her. Also, I am currently on welfare, and as such I get a very minimal amount of food stamps and cash allowance per month. To help my mother and step father to offset some of the costs of me living here with them I am currently paying 100% of all the groceries each month for the 3 of us. As for the cash, that comes next.. 2-have continued to make selfish decisions that hurt others, I.e. driving under the influence of pain medication and rear ending another car. You had no regard for the life of the person that you hit or for your mother and Roger, who, I am sure, paid your legal fees.- I make no decisions within this household with out talking to my parents first..Having said that a number of weeks ago my parents came to me and said that since I am contributing to the finances of the house and as well some of their furniture and appliances have broken down and they have been replaced with furniture and appliances from my house which is currently foredisclosure, that I may now actually call this my home as opposed to just living here because I had no where else to goto as I am disabled and unable to work. So they have told me that 1/3rd of this house is not mine. As for the accident, I was not under the influence of the pain meds at the time though I was arrested at the seen for dui, however, the reasoning for this was because the officer at the scene asked me to do a field sobriety test because he saw a pill bottle in my cup holder in my truck and asked if he could look at it and it was my dilaudid which I always carry with me as I never know when I will need it and for me its like holding a safety blanket, so I carry it with me everywhere. The bad news was that I failed the field sobriety test because I had broken my bog toe in the accident and I could not walk straight or do any of the balance tests because I was in a crap load of pain to which I went to the hospital the next day to make sure if they tried to push the dui based on that it would make it inadmissible (to which I later found out that the field sobriety test alone is never admissible in the great state of NJ.) I also blew a 0.0 as I haven't drank in 502 days. They also brought in a DUI specialist which they now have to do in any DUI case in NJ who does a full work up by checking your pupil response, checks up your nose to see if you've been snorting anything blah blah blah, long story short, they threw out the dui. As for my parents paying my legal fee's, first of all it is none of her god damn business anyway, but yes my parents did pay for my dui lawyer because once they make the decision to arrest you for it, it must go to court, they can't just rip it up and say oops I made a mistake he wasnt loaded. However my parents and I have made an agreement that a percentage of the groceries that I am paying for plus a small amount of cash that I get from my welfare cash monies go to them to pay them back for the lawyer. So once again my Aunt has no clue what the hell she is talking about and again it's none what so ever about her business and she was wrong on all accounts.. There is more to the message she sent me, but those are the ones that pissed me off the most when all I was doing was see if we could make amends and try to be a family again now that I am sober, but sadly on borrowed time. After that requests she blows up back at me with all of that, and it hit me very hard, I am very very hurt by he words and actions. It's been eating at me for 2 days now, and has taken me from sadness to angry to rage to hopeless to confused, pretty much every negative emotion one cold have, I have been going through. I pretty much want to give up on this whole making amends thing, even though I know that I shouldn't as I know it was just one person, however my aunt was the one that I always felt the closest too and the one I respected the most, and the one I hoped out of all the people I have hurt, she would be the most understanding and come back into my life, and that's the response I get...
Now the whole point to this stupidly long and probably aggravating "(even to you all for having to have read it, sorry
) is that I am so mad at her that I do not even want her at my funeral, let alone in my life anymore. I have asked my mother that if something happens to me prior to filling out my will is to tell her she (my aunt btw who is my moms sister) is not welcome to come to my funeral. I do not want her there. If she can't respect me enough to learn the truths about my life now, and atleast consider or show any respect to me for the letter I sent to her, then I do not have any respect for her and she can go have a party when I pass. I get the fact that I probably have a few years left if life, but it's only at best a few years providing I don't get the transplant. I just saw my Dr recently and he told me that things were looking great according to my blood work, but that actually means that things are not looking good for my liver. With my liver disease having to perfect liver enzyme levels can actually mean that my liver is so shot it has no more mass to leach out the enzymes and that is not a good thing and it also coincides with the lethargy and confusion and memory issues I have had as of late. Statistically a person with my double dose of diseases pass within 5 years of first diagnosis, and that would be anytime between now and 3 more years and I am damn scared, extremely scared. All I wanted was to apologize and help to put the family back together that are broken apart because of me, and this is the thanks I get. It's reasons like this that make me not want the transplant. I know you all have heard me talk about this is another post as some of you were very helpful and gave me a lot of encouragement, but I just don't know how to keep trying to over come things like this. I am really just starting to have enough of this, and I don't know how to handle this anymore. It seems the harder I try to make things better since I know I can't make it perfect, the worse my world seems to keep falling down around me.. This feeling of hopelessness is getting worse and worse. I don't have suicide thoughts, but I don't have the drive or the will to fight the fight to keep myself well and almost no willingness to get the transplant because I do not want to live another 10-20 years like this with the only battle won being the battle for my sobriety.
So while I have gone OT, I would like to know if there is anyway to keep her from attending my funeral?
can I have a clause that says she can be arrested if she tries to shows?
Anyway, I'm done whining now, I need a good cry, or maybe a loaded 9 mill. :~(
Peace
