What is the Worst Thing You've Ever Done, and what is Your Biggest Regret?

[opiofr3k]

discovering benzos and pregabalin

 

[Stephy]

Have you considered magnesium supplementation? May sound like something estoeric or a soft suggestion but bear with me hre.

Stimulants, cigarettes and opiods all drain your body's magensium reserves. It is very hard to test for low magnesium as the body will prioritise filling up the blood with it. Magnesium is stored in your bones. Once you've burnt it all up you'll feel like shit constantly and ironically the fastest way to get some relief from the constant pain in your bones is exciting the calcium-glutamate pathway that depleted all your magnesium by using addictive drugs that excite this pathway and burn up even more magensium

One of the reasons I recommend milk of magensia is it gives you a massive amount of magesnium at the time you are so chronically depleted. By putting magensium in your body will recover from chronic abuse of drugs WAY faster than without magensium

Personally I was using ZMA supplements for bodybuilding. Bodybuiders take alot of magensium to try and build muscles. I suffered noticeably less than my non bodybuilding friends did. I put it down to me being in top shape from weightlifting but in reality I suffered less due to not having the common massive nutritonal deficiencies that most chronic substance users develop rapidly. Chronic drug use causes severe health problems in part because it drains the body of the things it needs to funciton properly and most people don't replace these nutrients at the same rate their habits burn through them

I've been taking it for muscle pain because like you said everything depletes it

 

[Stephy]

Had sex with the lights on.

 

[Vanilla_Incense]

On the regrets part, the first thing that came to mind in a big way, has been my lack of 'relationships' of all kinds with the opposite sex. I hope I don't sound too conceited when I say this, but from my teenage years onwards many girls seemed to give me strong and clear signals that they were interested in me, in that way. So although it seems that I had been dealt a good hand in terms of being attractive to the opposite sex, I really didn't have any idea as to how I was supposed to go about playing that card, or how to capitalise on what I had going for me. I put that down to introversion, social anxiety, lack of confidence, lack of social skills, all that type of thing. I'm pretty sure that this is one major way in which my Autism fucked me over. Especially as I didn't even know I was Autistic. Having severe deficits in these areas meant that my life took a very different course to how it could have been.

Don't hit yourself too hard over the head over this. I know exactly where you're coming from. I used to have this problem as well.

I'm definitely not all the way there (meaning having meaningful relationships with the opposite sex) but I've now had a few (even if short lived) relationships with the opposite sex that have definitely changed my perspective a lot.

What helped me was really looking deep into myself and asking myself why I was the way I was. Spoiler alert I had a lot of trauma (btw I hate using this word but I have no other word to use (seems really overused these days)) that I hadn't dealt with and was just festering away at the back of mind.

After reading up on some psychology (Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung and some others) I understood myself a little better, but what really helped me was my introduction to psychedelics . Psychedelics definitely gave me the introspection I needed (as an aside I want to say that psychedelics aren't a quick fix solution and it takes some work outside of tripping to overcome these sort of mental limitations (seems these days that psychedelics are advertised by the main stream as a fix all solution for mental health issues )).

As for the autism, I don't want to assume, but unless you have the classic symptoms of developmental delays, intellectual disability, non-verbal communication, etc. you probably don't have it. I think it is over diagnosed. It's likely a result of mental issues you aren't dealing with. I know a few people who are diagnosed and have the same issues as you (e.g. social anxiety, lack of confidence, etc.) and in my opinion it's mostly been a result of trauma (again for lack of a better word) and they are slowly doing better as they understand and work through their trauma. Despite the fact I'm not diagnosed I reckon I'd have gotten a diagnosis had I gone to a doctor about it even as recent as a few years ago . You can always develop social skills (it takes time but it's worth it).

I wish you well, hope this post helps

 

[Bleaney]

As for the autism, I don't want to assume, but unless you have the classic symptoms of developmental delays, intellectual disability, non-verbal communication, etc. you probably don't have it. I think it is over diagnosed. It's likely a result of mental issues you aren't dealing with. I know a few people who are diagnosed and have the same issues as you (e.g. social anxiety, lack of confidence, etc.) and in my opinion it's mostly been a result of trauma (again for lack of a better word) and they are slowly doing better as they understand and work through their trauma. Despite the fact I'm not diagnosed I reckon I'd have gotten a diagnosis had I gone to a doctor about it even as recent as a few years ago . You can always develop social skills (it takes time but it's worth it).

I wish you well, hope this post helps

You seem to be talking about what is often referred to as "high support needs Autism", and denying the existence of "low support needs" Autism, which used to be known as Aspergers Syndrome. (Hans Asperger colloborated with the Nazis in classifying any children that stood out in these terms. Those that were deemed capable of work were assigned the Aspergers diagnosis, and saved from terrible fates, while those that were not, were sent to death camps. This is one of the reasons that the Aspergers diagnosis has been removed from the latest DSM, and is instead captured under the Autism umberella. Many of us feel that the separate diagnosis was useful, although perhaps it should be re-named as something else for PC reasons. The low and high support needs classifications are also far from perfect.)

I can assure you that low support needs Autism, does indeed exist, and the evidence has been overwhelmingly unquestionable for some time. There are a whole raft of sensory issues (aversions to certain sounds, tastes, crowds, etc along with issues with some mental infexibilty and adherence to routines etc), low ability to deal with stress, along with social issues, special or deep interests in certain subjects, spiky skill sets, and other things I've forgotten to mention right now.

Yes everyone does have at least some Autistic traits, but what makes the difference is that a non Autistic person may have around 10 of the 50 traits on the Autism Quotient questionnaire, (the AQ 50), whereas the cut off for screening is around 30 IIRC. I scored around 41 so I was in little doubt about whether to pursue an assessment.

The core social issues that are seen externally by others are the same as not having a diagnosis. Because most people dont really know what low support needs Autism is. But having a valid and thorough assessment and diagnosis makes the world of difference. To some other people I may be a weirdo or a fuck up etc or w/e else. But having a valid medical reason is enormously transformative. I don't need to internalise such negative opinions, just because other people simply don't understand. And that makes a huge difference in how much weight or importance one should place on the judgements and opinions of others, especially when they are negative.

The thing I'm still working on, and probably forever will be, is to what extent I can improve my social skills. With "defecits" or differences in these areas being one of the key parts of the assessment criteria. Sensory issues with noises and crowds etc can be easily treated with GABA enhacing substances. Benzos can also pretty much eliminate social anxiety. Phenibut is an amazing sociability enhancer, and weed seems to help socially on teh day after using. Which all suggests to me that the condition is physiologically based. And it's very challenging to fight against something that is caused physiologically. Most of the well known Autism advocates on You Tube etc find ways that don't involve substances. But the majority of them don't work traditional jobs, and so they mostly get to avoid the situations that cause issues.

 

[Vanilla_Incense]

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend with the autism diagnosis, I was just giving my 2 cents.

Hope you find what helps you to navigate social situations

 

[Bleaney]

No offence taken. And thanks

 

[endlessnameless]

Yeah, I relate with the autism/relationship thing for sure. Although I wish I could say I got as much interest as you did.

My absolute worst thing was obtaining Xanax illegally and stupidly thinking that 2mgs was nothing at all and swallowing them like candy. 2-3 months of bliss has cost me over a year of hell, trying to get my brain to calm back down after tapering off. Now I've started taking Diazepam recently to try and wean off some of the lingering withdrawal effects which will no doubt kindle me and lead to an even more severe withdrawal further down the line. What an asshole I was.

At least you chose Diazepam in terms of choosing a benzo to wean off some of the lingering withdrawal effects. I find that to be the best for weaning - its not too strong (no where near as as strong as Xanax or street Xanax/Tranex) as 1mg of Xanax is equal to 20 mg of Valium. I've been taking 2-3mgs of Trannex (typical street-Xanax in Dublin) as needed (which is needed most days as I've been coming off opioids) and when they're finished I'll be weaning with Diazepam too.

As long as you have the self discipline to stick to a solid tapering plan with Diazepam it honestly shouldn't be too difficult at all. I realise that most of us wouldnt be here if had that self-discipline, but hopefully you've developed it over time. Best of luck with it anyway mate.

 

[endlessnameless]

Aspergers Syndrome

Edit: Sorry about the double post

For the last few years I've suspected I may actually have Adult Asperger's Syndrome. I mean apart from Clumsiness - Strong verbal skills, Obsession with a topic, Social difficulties (I've had severe difficulties with socialising my entire life) and Hypersensitivity are all symptoms which have been present in my Adult life.

Also, as a child I've had most of the symptoms associated in children with Asperger's too. I've always chalked it up to Depression and GAD which none of the many medications I was precribed put the slightest dent in (and why I eventually began self-medicating with street drugs) and is why I need to and definitely will be revisiting my GP as regards getting a referral to a psychologist that can help me discover what it actually is.

 

[Bleaney]

For the last few years I've suspected I may actually have Adult Asperger's Syndrome. I mean apart from Clumsiness - Strong verbal skills, Obsession with a topic, Social difficulties (I've had severe difficulties with socialising my entire life) and Hypersensitivity are all symptoms which have been present in my Adult life.

Also, as a child I've had most of the symptoms associated in children with Asperger's too. I've always chalked it up to Depression and GAD which none of the many medications I was precribed put the slightest dent in (and why I eventually began self-medicating with street drugs) and is why I need to and definitely will be revisiting my GP as regards getting a referral to a psychologist that can help me discover what it actually is.

I'd definately have a go at the AQ50 and any other of the other decent self screening options available online. They are like quite reliable signposts as to whether you're on the right track or not imo.

What made a difference for me was finally discovering or understanding that you don't have to tick every single box of symptoms. Just most of them. I'd previously thought that because I can 'read people' for example therefore I ruled myself out. The information available previously wasnt as good as it is now.

If these self tests do indicate that Autism is likely or even possible, I'd skip the general psychologist (they may not necessarily know very much about Autism, or have peculiar views or outdated info, which is a common complaint in Autism discussion groups) and ask to be referred to Autism specialists. Unless you have highly complicating factors or co-morbidities, which many of us do: co-existing ADHD, generalised anxiety, social anxiety, depression, many physical things too.

If you're in the UK I'd highly recommend Owl, they were so thorough and professional. Plus you get to check out the CVs of all the assessors and you can decline any that don't quite sound right to you. I don't think there's many right to choose / free options that let you do that.

It was great to be in the position of checking other people's CVs for once and having the option of declining those that didn't seem great, as opposed to a lifetime of being in the opposite position.

 

[endlessnameless]

discovering benzos and pregabalin

Sorry to hear about that. I'm quite the opposite in the sense that I'm delighted I discovered Pregabalin due to its ability to take away about 80% of Opioid withdrawals. I do know people who swall an entire tray of 15 x 300mgs at a time and are severely addicted, but thankfully I only require 1 x 300mgs a day to keep the withdrawals at bay over the initial 12-14 days at which point the Opioid withdrawals are over and done with.

Benzos I like for their anxiolytic effects, but thankfully I've managed to keep control over my use. I do keep an emergency supply of 4 (preferably street Xanax/Trannax although Diazepam will do) in my everyday carry bag just in case an anxiety episode hits me when I'm out and about.

In terms of my biggest regret...I know its a cliché, but I have to try not to live with regrets; ideally considering them mistakes and ensuring I learn a lesson from them and dont repeat whatever it was. Having said that, over the period when my Father was dying from cancer my mother and I would drive to different locations all over Dublin ie restraunts for food, cafés for coffee, through the Phoenix Park to look at the dear/nature in general and out by the sea and pier for ice-cream etc. I made it a point to go every time (and I'd often be in serious heroin withdrawal) because I didnt know when one of outings would be the last. One week my Auntie (my fathers little sister) decided to come and everyone jumped into the car to go off to Howth by the sea to get some ice-cream, coffee and food...except I didnt go that ONE TIME because I was in severe withdrawals (after deciding to cold-turkey detox at home which I was on day 2 or 3 of)...and it happened to be the last time he had the energy to go out. I was devastated and so that is my biggest regret. I was able to forgive myself over time however.


@Bleaney Wow, that was an incredibly insightful post with a lot of great information. I had never heard of the AQ50 - thank you very much for bringing that to my attention, I'll be sure to check it out momentarily. I'm actually in Dublin, Ireland but I'm sure there are similar services. As regards ditching the psychologist - I do see where you're coming from, however I know myself that I definitely do need to speak with a Mental Health Professional as my depression and especially my anxiety are at a crisis point and its not just due to the time of year - its been nearing a crisis point for a few years now and this year it finally came too much for me to handle as I returned to self-isolating in my room for weeks at a time, not being able to verbally communicate with people (including family) and generally not able to function. I simply cannot do it alone any longer and I need help. I made a post about how my doctor messed up as regards sending the necessary forms off in my 'Endless Nameless' Recovery' thread so I wont go into it here but if you look at my post history you'll see what happened and I'm extremely upset about it.

Anyway, again - thank you so much for the informative post. I'll be sure to take what you wrote into consideration and look for similar services in Ireland. I'm going to do the AQ50 test now and see what results I get. I'll come back and edit this afterwards and mention how it went. Cheers and all the best mate.

 

[moshforjesus]

Using alcohol to hide from my emotions, and discovering crack as a means to carry on drinking

 

[Robi]

Not buy the home I rented,it is worth an easy 2 million now,I regret ,but don't let it eat me up like it did. And fentanyl