What happened to my life?

[dead_man_walking]

I don't know where to begin or where this belongs and I have an account here with 3 figure posts, but I am to ashamed

This article annoys me because I was 13 when it happened and 14 when the last offense happened

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/...t-ipswich-school/story-e6freoof-1226297232643

This is where it all started in my downward spiral in life. I feel so alone. I can get compensation and shit, but haven't even bothered looking into it because I would just drink, drug and gamble any payout away, haven't heard anything else because he isn't pleading guilty even though I did one of those pre whatever they are phone calls and got admissions

I just continue to drink, smoke and drug myself into oblivion like I have for so long, my financial state is fucked but as long as I have a roof over my head, a car and drugs & alcohol I just continue along in a haze (I am surviving off other payouts and centrelink and stuff)

I know where he lives and works since out on bail

Sometimes I dream of killing him and then killing myself

When I have a rare lucid state, I think of my children that I haven't seen in ages and my ex and think how I want to get better

My doctor is shit, my family aren't much more help, but I lie to them all

I think I need rehab or something

I'm a stubborn motherfucker, I've pushed away all my friends and a lot of family, haven't been with a woman in months

I don't even know what I am asking here, maybe just putting it out there to see what others have to say

 

[herbavore]

dead-man-walking, I am so sorry. It is not at all uncommon to have debilitating depression and feelings of being dead inside years after abuse that occurred in childhood. Trying to obliterate memories and feelings (all feelings) with substances actually makes sense so don't beat yourself up over it. Still, as you are experiencing, no amount of substances can ever do the trick and then what was supposed to help you feel better becomes a whole new layer of hurt on hurt. Getting help for your substance use may be futile without counseling for the issues of abuse and the aftermath of the abuse. If you can go to rehab, I would suggest it. Be honest with the people there about the abuse and seek counseling for it. Does your family know of the abuse? Is there a family member or friend that would be willing to help you get motivated to get the compensation you are owed? I really feel like you deserve help. The Courage to Heal is a very good book about healing from childhood abuse. It has been reissued but the older copies can be had for next to nothing on Amazon. Good luck. Keep coming here for support--there are many here that have had similar experiences.

 

[Coraline]

I know what you are going through and you are not alone. It is very hard to deal with your thoughts and memories. What happened is not your fault. Not at all. Just because this happened does not mean you are ruined or worthless. I would suggest talking to a well trusted friend or psychologist. Take everyday one day at a time. I hope you find peace soon. I have. It will happen to you. The Bible teaches forgiveness. If you forgive it will make your life better. Trust me on this. You will release hate and the healing can begain. Your life will turn around. Jesus says to leave room for Gods vengeance. Believe me, he will repay that man for his sins. God can do so much worse to him than any single man can on earth. I would be glad to talk to you if you need a friend. I have been there and talking about it really helped me. Take care my friend.

 

[alexvolume2]

As a victim of abuse, it can be hard to believe that you didn't have anything to do with it. Your presence during whatever happened does not make you culpable. I cannot stress this enough. I blamed myself for what happened to me for around 20 years. My being abused by someone wasn't my fault and it took me a long time to realize this. I can't say how many times I have tried to blot out what happened and it never works, talk to someone about it.

 

[megawoof]

seriously i know what you are going threw i was groomed and sexually abused by my older brothers friend at 13
please get sum positive help if not its like a cancer that just consumes you if you need a chat or talk private message me

 

[HariK43043]

Wow mate I live in Ipswich also, I turn 20 in 2 months and when I read that article I was quite shocked. I am grateful that this has never happened to me, but I still to this day wish I could have talked to one of the people that it happened to and remind them that you should never give up. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Try livening up your social life, get some exercise, get a routine going sort of thing. But these are only small things that helped me. Maybe you need to ask yourself what you would like to achieve out of life? Ask yourself where your are headed, but also which direction you would LIKE to head in... Living your life is the best way to get back at that prick, rather than giving him the satisfaction of knowing he took a large toll on your life. Keep on strong brother! We're behind you...

 

[Ds]

hey man, dont give up. i cant say what your feeling like right now, but i can relate to your story.. I was molested when i was younger (6), have a handicapped brother, which kids used to bully me at school about it, parrents got a divorce when i was like in the 3rd grade, so the only way i knew how to cope with shit was to get high. shit really started when i was 13, and now i'm 24. both my parents refuse to talk to me, or have me around on the holidays because im nothing but a lier,cheat and a thief(or was.). I come from a good home, in a nice part of town, and now I live in the fucking hood. still on my own, with no fucking help from my folks.
actully i was just kicked out of IOP today because it took me to long to find the drug testing place, dont mean to get off topic, my dr. is shit to, luckly i dont pay for his bitchass or else some1 would be getting an email. 'fake it till you make it', thats what they tell me, so when things get hard, play that tape of where your lifes been, and how you never wanna end up back there again.
shoot me a PM, i promise i will keep whatever we say between us.
best wish's,
drew