September 17th is the day I lost the most amazing girl I've ever met. It was a month and a half before our 2 year anniversary (this was a high school relationship mind you). We were completely committed and in love, but over this past summer her parents found out that I had tried LSD (I was always honest with my girlfriend about my use and never hid anything) and they went nuts and basically banned her from having any contact with me ever again. Our relationship continued for another 3 months or so after that, but eventually she decided to end it I'm not totally sure why, but it seems that most of the reason was her inability to continue living a lie. After her parents found out about my use, the little they knew, I quit anything and everything completely. Needless to say, I picked back up again after the relationship ended because I couldn't handle the pain. I have OCD, ADHD, severe insomnia, depression, etc. all of which I had before we broke up but they got much worse afterwards. Here is my main question: I still love her with all my heart and soul, but she doesn't even want to talk to me ever again. I can barely ever sleep, 5 or 6 days without sleep isn't uncommon. When I do sleep, all my dreams are about her. I spend every moment thinking about her. It's been more than two months since it ended and it's only getting worse. Will it ever get better? Will I ever be able to sleep normally? Or do something other than try to distract myself from thoughts of her? This is wreaking havoc in every aspect of my life and it don't even feel like I'm living anymore. Every day is constant misery; a hellish mix of sleep depravation and thoughts about what is will never have again. Nothing has helped so far and I'm becoming desperate for a way out... I always thought of suicide as the cowards way out but I don't know how much more of this living hell I can take...
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
What do I do?
- Thread starter gearfiend
- Start date
Maya
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2013
- Messages
- 7,310
Oh hun 
it's hard I know but you have to bear in mind that your health comes first. There's not much you can do at this point but try to move on as you have mentioned that she does not even want to talk to you anymore so just let it go. You have to focus on getting better and yes think of ways to distract yourself from thinking of her like get into hobbies etc. i hope you feel better.
I am moving this to Sex Love and Relationships as I believe it is more suitable and I am quite sure you will get helpful responses/advices.
it's hard I know but you have to bear in mind that your health comes first. There's not much you can do at this point but try to move on as you have mentioned that she does not even want to talk to you anymore so just let it go. You have to focus on getting better and yes think of ways to distract yourself from thinking of her like get into hobbies etc. i hope you feel better.I am moving this to Sex Love and Relationships as I believe it is more suitable and I am quite sure you will get helpful responses/advices.
T. Calderone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2010
- Messages
- 8,982
Break-ups are tough no doubt about that, especially your first love. So is it her parents really that are stopping her from seeing you? Or did you grow apart and she is using this reason to make a clean break? You may never know why she broke things off and there's not a lot you can do but try and move ahead. You're both so young and you will meet other people. Do you see a professional for your depression and OCD issues? It might help to talk to someone since you're not sleeping well. I know coping right now is hard, sounds lame but it does get better over time.
How do you move on when quite literally EVERYTHING reminds you of that person? I remember everything, literally. If I have the right trigger for a memory it is always there no matter how old it is. Listening to music, going to school, going to work, driving ANYWHERE, doing anything at all, is linked in some way or another to memories of her. My entire life is one constant reminder of her. How do you 'move on' when that's the case? The worst part is I don't WANT to move on. I don't want anyone else nor can I even think about being with anyone else. OCD literally controls my life and she is the primary focus of every compulsion I have. Thoughts of her are all that go through my head and I can't stop it even if I wanted to. I have a TOLERANCE to sleep deprivation it's so bad. Most people begin to have hallucinations and delusions around day 3 or 4 of no sleep. I don't get them at all anymore, even after 7 days straight with literally no sleep. Hell I can still function at that point. That's fucked up in so many ways I can't even describe it.
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
Her parents didn't find out about your LSD use...SHE TOLD THEM.
You invested emotionally on a bird standing on a fence. The bird can fly away. Why do you build the foundation of your life on a flimsy spider web?
I told you people thousands of times and my keyboard will break telling you: DON'T BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED TO ONE PARTNER.
Your nervous system is upped, you need it downed.
You invested emotionally on a bird standing on a fence. The bird can fly away. Why do you build the foundation of your life on a flimsy spider web?
I told you people thousands of times and my keyboard will break telling you: DON'T BECOME SEXUALLY ADDICTED TO ONE PARTNER.
Your nervous system is upped, you need it downed.
Yes I got on Zoloft (sertraline) for the OCD/depression and it doesn't do shit. I don't even get withdrawals if I stop taking it (been on it for ~2months) adderall is a better anti depressant. I've started self medicating over the past few months with everything I can get my hands on from weed to heroin and back again. Nothing helps for long but at least it helps numb the pain for a little while. Sometimes I can even sleep more than an hour at a time
Haha sexual addiction has nothing to do with it. Love isn't about sex, although sex plays a role. It's about having someone to rely on who is always there for you, that you can tell anything to. And she didn't tell her parents I know for a fact they found out through my dad when I got caught tripping (first and only time I've been caught with anything)
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
Love withdrawal has a both an opioid and a dopamine component. The dopamine component or sex will make you feel depressed, maybe give you headaches, while the opioid component will give you the traditional opioid withdrawal symptoms you are experiencing today. This component is what you describe as having someone there for you. Scientists discovered more than 50 years ago, that a combination of both downers and uppers is the most euphoric, because it is the closest thing to love. Love is the relaxation of a downer combined with the excitement of an upper, aka. peace or bliss.
The lack of sleep...has many components. I can name the following:
- When you are expecting a big excitement to follow the day after like going on a trip or buying a new car...it's a dry...aching, unfulfilled excitement that keeps you from sleeping.
- When you no longer have the comfort you used to have, for example sleeping on the sidewalk in a cold night when you used to sleep in comfort. This is opioid component.
- When the peripheral brain is stimulated without the frontal lobes being stimulated. This is facilitated by your ADHD condition.
- Certain levo-amphetamines cause insomnia on come-up and comedown by creating an inner restlessness.
Memorize this information before it's gone. This forum only allows useless comforting.
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
There are no substances that can remove love withdrawal because it will likely have to be a cocktail of 10 or 15 substances. You just need to tough it up and make better choices in the future.
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
That's too much. You're trying to cope with a withdrawal, not kill yourself, but you got the idea. Meditation helps too until you find someone else.
Talking about LSD or other drugs to people. You seem like a smart person, you don't need to tell your dad, her, her family or some bunch of substance ignoramus who heard 3 lines on CNN and who think they know how the world works. Keep it to yourself. I know you might feel cool if you share it with others, like, it gives you a sense of "oh I can do drugs and still function well what a smart guy I am". It backfires man. No good. The tragedy is, if you can do drugs and still function, you ARE smart, but people will hate you for it. Don't kid yourself man. They will hate your guts and want you in jail. They will isolate you, go away from you because they hate the idea that you've experienced things so good, things they will die without ever feeling.
The only time you talk about your drug use to other people is when you're at the end of the rope and you need help, which you clearly don't, so don't talk.
pofacedhoe
Bluelight Crew
stop taking amphetamine if you want to get rid of your insomnia.
i mean come on!
thats surely a no brainer8)
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
Insomnia is Top5 Adderall withdrawal symptoms, especially in ADHDers. Of course, if you pop a pill and turn the lights off, you won't sleep unless you're exhausted from days of amphetamine abuse, but, if you disrupt the amphetamine treatment you won't sleep either for a while. His doctor knows best. He has ADHD. His treatment is there for a reason.
What he can do that goes along with what you say is to take his XR earlier in the morning, with doctor approval.
I only take short acting adderall and only when I first wake up. Withdrawal actually makes me eat a ton and sleep more, normally, but even after 2 full weeks off adderall I still can't sleep whatsoever. I've struggled with insomnia my whole life because my head just goes faster and faster when i try to sleep without adderall. Obviously taking it later in the day also prevents sleep (although it's easier than no adderall believe it or not). Weed is the only sleep aid that actually works for me, but I have a job where I get drug tested sometimes and smoking isn't an option. I also don't have the money, being a broke ass college kid. And I don't readily share facts about my use, although I did way back when I first started (thought it was 'cool') but that was pre girlfriend either way. I only told her because I didn't want to hide anything from her and I know she never told anyone, she wasn't exactly thrilled about it (although she didn't really have a problem with it either)
pofacedhoe
Bluelight Crew
troll post misinformation yet again why am i not surprised?8)
withdrawl from amps causes exhaustion. i speak from extensive experience and having felt that huge exhaustion and been sleepy all the time and sleeping for 18+ hours on a regular basis
amphetamine use will mess with your ability to sleep. its clear. its obvious and its a fact
^ insomnia is a bitch. i used to have terrible insomnia- look at what you are eating and look at intake of caffeine/tobacco. they are stimulants and they will affect everyone differently. as a diagnosed bipolar tobacco gives me mad anxiety as does coffee and anxiety stops you sleeping. the one thing that works for me is strong b vitamin complex- especially B6. without it i would still have problems sleeping
also another thing to add- if you are getting suicidal thoughts yet again look at your amphetamine intake. the withdrawl definitely can make you suicidal. really its a nasty rough drug that fucks up your mind and body and unless you are very mentally stable it has a huge chance of sending you crazy or amplifying any underlying mental health problem to a huge degree.
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lovegluegunnin
Bluelighter
Oh, man. This sounds a lot like me at one point in my life. Let me just start with this - Nothing is permanent in life. The way you feel right now - will not be the way you feel months from now, years from now. Heartbreak is no joke, it's not something to be taken lightly. However, it is definitely not worth taking your own life. Nothing is worth taking your own life. I would know, because I've tried killing myself and then once I got to a better point in my life, I completely regretted it and cried because I was literally so happy that I didn't die. But when it comes to coping with heartbreak, all you can really do is keep yourself busy, and keep breathing; Because sometimes when there's nothing left for you to do, and there is no solution on the horizon - all you can do is breathe and keep yourself alive. I can promise you that with time, your broken heart will mend and you will feel so very weightless once the day comes that you say to yourself, "I really am okay."
Every time I hear about someone having a broken heart, my own heart aches for them. I have had my heart broken so many times, a couple of the times by the same person over and over again, and all I want to do is help those who were in the same position as myself. So if you want to, you can Private Message me any time you like and I will get back to you as soon as I possibly can. If all you need if someone to talk to, I can do that. If you need a good laugh, I can definitely do that. And if you need advice, I will truly try my very hardest to help you find a solution to your problem at hand that is best for you and your current situation. I know I sound pretty proper, but it's because I'm hyped up on adderall and I'm wide awake lol. Keep breathing, gear. As long as you have the will to breathe, you can make it through anything. I'll keep you in my prayers, even if you don't believe in a God.
dopemaster
Bluelight Crew
You will get over her. When you are young you first breakups from serious relationships are hard.
Maybe you didn't get proper closure. I am not sure why she told her parents about your drug use. Is she really anti-drug? Maybe her parents didn't forbid her from seeing you? Its hard to believe that they would forbid their child from dating a man for dropping acid one time. If she really hates on drugs that much, you shouldn't have told her.
I know it might sound shady, but sometimes some things are best left unsaid. I really don't feel like telling people every seedy detail in my life. I don't think its dishonest to not mention some things.
Its hard to think that one use would be grounds for breaking up with someone. Maybe it was an excuse to end things. Its best not to end up with your high school sweet heart anyways. You tend to learn and grow from each relationship and I truly believe in order to have healthy relationships you have to go through some relationships.
I guess if you want closure call her and ask her why she left you, but chances are you just grew apart and that will most likely be what she says. It may be best to just let it be.
As far as getting over her, you will. I dunno if I would even try to win her back if I were in your shoes. Even if you get back together you will fight over the same things. Once things are over, they are usually over.
But I really cannot stress enough the fact that you will get over this girl. Its really stupid to be suicidal over her. Your just gonna have to move on. You will probably meet someone new and forget all about her. I don't think you will look back and think of her as "the one who got away" or any other bullshit like that.
I think its pretty much just first love a first major breakup. Give it some time if you have to, but it would be best if you try to move on and find someone new. I think its ok to hurt over a breakup, but don't let it break you. Its normal to go through relationships. Not many people marry their first love and there is a reason for that because it simply just usually doesn't work.
You got to go through life and experience things before you find someone you are truly compatible with. You will more than likely meet several women who you will fall in love with. You are bound to marry one of them. Its best that you are ready for it though and I would say life is a series of relationships. Young love rarely works out, so there is no need to be distraught at all in your case.
Its best to go out and experience life and learn from your relationships. Learn to be happy without a woman and more importantly to love yourself and then you can truly make a woman happy and build a wonderful life together. The thing is in each relationship you learn how to be with someone, get along better, be a better lover, be a better companion, a better provider, be able to pick up on the way someone is feeling and to communicate better as well as tons of other things.
My point is that you grow and people rarely stay with their first love.
Maybe you didn't get proper closure. I am not sure why she told her parents about your drug use. Is she really anti-drug? Maybe her parents didn't forbid her from seeing you? Its hard to believe that they would forbid their child from dating a man for dropping acid one time. If she really hates on drugs that much, you shouldn't have told her.
I know it might sound shady, but sometimes some things are best left unsaid. I really don't feel like telling people every seedy detail in my life. I don't think its dishonest to not mention some things.
Its hard to think that one use would be grounds for breaking up with someone. Maybe it was an excuse to end things. Its best not to end up with your high school sweet heart anyways. You tend to learn and grow from each relationship and I truly believe in order to have healthy relationships you have to go through some relationships.
I guess if you want closure call her and ask her why she left you, but chances are you just grew apart and that will most likely be what she says. It may be best to just let it be.
As far as getting over her, you will. I dunno if I would even try to win her back if I were in your shoes. Even if you get back together you will fight over the same things. Once things are over, they are usually over.
But I really cannot stress enough the fact that you will get over this girl. Its really stupid to be suicidal over her. Your just gonna have to move on. You will probably meet someone new and forget all about her. I don't think you will look back and think of her as "the one who got away" or any other bullshit like that.
I think its pretty much just first love a first major breakup. Give it some time if you have to, but it would be best if you try to move on and find someone new. I think its ok to hurt over a breakup, but don't let it break you. Its normal to go through relationships. Not many people marry their first love and there is a reason for that because it simply just usually doesn't work.
You got to go through life and experience things before you find someone you are truly compatible with. You will more than likely meet several women who you will fall in love with. You are bound to marry one of them. Its best that you are ready for it though and I would say life is a series of relationships. Young love rarely works out, so there is no need to be distraught at all in your case.
Its best to go out and experience life and learn from your relationships. Learn to be happy without a woman and more importantly to love yourself and then you can truly make a woman happy and build a wonderful life together. The thing is in each relationship you learn how to be with someone, get along better, be a better lover, be a better companion, a better provider, be able to pick up on the way someone is feeling and to communicate better as well as tons of other things.
My point is that you grow and people rarely stay with their first love.
Ksa
Ex-Bluelighter
^ Dopemaster has it 5 on 5. Listen to what he's saying. If she really was into you, no parent or mountain would stand between you two.