I can list a whole lot of shit but right now the one that comes to my mind aint that big of a deal compared to all the arrests and my folks bein convinced that i was goin to prison and they wouldnt see me for years, the lyin and noddin and all that, but just this one "small" thing that kills me to even think about now.
So many times my Ma would go into my room for somethin, to look for her phone charger that i borrowed or to do who knows . she never been the kind to snoop around my shit, and I always done my own laundry and cleaning and all that shit. But she would need some random thing like a screwdriver or somethin, or want to borrow somethin i had and go to grab it from my room. A book that we had both been reading, so she went to go to my night table to see if i had it so she could finish reading it. shit like that. and she would find my emptys, or a set, or a CD case with a razor and emptys from scraping out the dope bags, etc. I never ever left my stash of dope nowhere except in my bra and kept it with me at all times so she never in the whole time found my dope thank god, i was too paranoid junkie to ever leave it out of my sight.
after god only knows how many times of goin thru this , the most recent one had been last summer around this time of last year, and she got real fed up, so she decided that she is gonna spend the entire day with me in my room and we gonna tear the shit up from top to bottom and get rid of every single fuckin drug related thing that is in there. inside every drawer, piece of clothes, shoe, sock, bag, box, etc. On some serious shit like the police would search a room. not to find nothing but just to clean out so that she could rest easy knowing there is no more needles and shit in her fuckin house which i dont blame her for. obviously she mad becuz she had thought i was clean, and for the millionth time it turned out that i had just been frontin all along and had been using again.
So we go thru it all, throw out bags and bags of needles, THOUSANDS of emptys i mean i had entire drawers packed to the top full of old emptys that i had scraped but never bothered to throw out for some reason, etc, and we finally got it ALL cleaned out so there was not a trace of no drug type shit nowhere to be found.
And almost a year after we did that, I had KEPT using AGAIN, but managed not to get fuckin caught again that time, but then i actually DID get clean for real about 2 months later, in the middle of Sept of 09.
So anyways, i had been clean for mad long, and like I said, not long ago I was cleanin out my room. i took a bunch of old shit out of my closet and just tossed it on a pile of shit that was goin to the salvation army, old clothes and shit like that. by this time i am long done with using and hadnt been doin no dope and was really livin the nothing-to-hide, finally-tellin-the-truth-for-real life so i didnt even think of nothing like about "Did i hide shit in any of these bags back when i was still using?" or nothing like that. i was so used to NOT having to hide shit that I didnt even think about the fact of how the bags I was tossin out was almost a year old. and that after the big room cleanout, i had to hide shit much better so i would use alot of old storage boxes/bags in my closet that nobody would ever want nothing from.
So I put the bags on the pile of shit and aint think nothing of it, the next morning I hear my moms just scream out of nowhere she goes "GREAT . JUST FUCKING GREAT" and start makin some chokin-ass crying sounds...Just yellin 'FUCK" and shit like that. I asked her "huh? wats goin on" mad times not thinkin this could have nothing to do with me.
so i was curious of wats wrong with her and i went to go see why she buggin out and she is cryin and cussin and says she so mad she cant even talk to me right now and i ask her yo the fuck did I do? really not realizing , having NO idea of wats going on, and she says
"I just went in that bag to see wat was in it cuz i didnt reconize it and got pricked on a fucking needle"
when i tell you i wished i could just drop into the ground and die for shame that cant even beginn to explain how i felt. i just wanted to beat my own ass, eat the bizness end of a .45, you feel me.
Becuz the fact that she should ever have to find my old emptys, used sets, etc, over and over, and after she thinks its finally over, and really has been over for the longest that it ever has been without me 'relapsing' or gettin arrested again, now she dont only FIND a needle but gets STUCK by it? And she buggin like "I could get fuckin AIDS or hepatitis and shit" not realizing it was only my needle and i dont have neither of those and never did.
And I really am clean and was at that time, and HAD BEEN clean, but somehow durin the time that i was usin last summer i guess i just tossed my old set into that bag of clothes after i was done with it, to hide it before i got around to throwin it out and somehow forgot about it and the cap came off in the bag and ended up right there in the living room floor. One of my lil sisters coulda been the one to go in that bag, you feel me? She just cried and cried for a long time, she was so mad, becuz all the words i could say, didnt mean nothing. Becuz so many times i had lied, and told her i was clean when i wasnt, and then she found shit prooving i was still using, that not only did she had to deal with the reminder of the past and the fact that she got stuck by a used needle in her own house that she should never have to worry about some shit like that happenin in, but also the fact that now she forced to question if i really been clean all this time or not or if i am using again. And since she been thru it so many times, she really couldnt believe me when i told her i really wasnt, and that it was a old needle from a year ago. Becuz she was just thinking, well we cleaned all that shit out and got rid of it, so that means that I had been thinking you been clean since July of last year, and really you used AGAIN after that, and had been tellin me you been clean this whole time. I really HAVE been clean since september but she dont know that becuz for all she know that set coulda been from fuckin yesterday.
The shit finally blew over and it aint amount to nothing but damn there aint no words in this earth to tell how i felt when that went down. I just wanted to tear out my heart on the floor realizin the pain i had stayed puttin her thru for all these years and that she had to still feel that same pain all over again when she is just goin about her bizness in her own damn house and got to worry about gettin fucking pricked by a dirty needle in her living room, it just aint right.
It might seem like a smaller thing compared to gettin the 3rd court date notice in 7 months that i been arrested and my appearance is on so and so date, and realizing that i was still using, and had got arrested AGAIN, and had lied about it AGAIN not tellin her that i had got arrested, and shit like that. but that needle shit was one of the most intense ones that i think really hurt her deeper than alot of the other shit that she been thru during the time i was strung out off that diesel.
idk how i get into such serious situations
