was using fent and found out i was 32-36 weeks pregnant what would have happened if things went differently?

[Valleygrrl]

I had been using fentanyl nasally for over two years and going still. I went to the hospital and finally after tests someone decided to check my pee for pregnancy. The nurse came in and said I was roughly 32-36 weeks pregnant. Since I was just finding out there was no way to know my delivery date. Immediately decided on other options besides keeping the baby. I thought the baby would come out sick and deformed. I also wasnt in the right mind/ nor ready to have a baby(took me a long time to try and be okay with that one) I didn't tell the doctor about my drug use but did inform them that i had been smoking packs and drinking regurlarly also i did not want to mention that i smoked a lot of crack some months before i found out. I was scared, numb in shock. After telling the doctor about the drinking and smoking. they did a ultrasound and was sent home from the ER to find a doctor. This was during covid and the closest appt was way past what they think ill give birth by. This was the last week of sept, the appts were in nov. Also was hard explaining the situation as one finds you cant directly speak to a doctor and have to explain over and over again with stress and fear and tears only to be told to go to a hospital when I got contractions. I don't even know what it was like to feel pregnant and im supposed to figure out when im giving birth? It was hard. six days later i felt contractions but wasnt sure so I waited a while. When it really started to feel pain I took a Lyft with my partner. Thinking back we probably traumatized that driver. Me not being able to put on a seat belt cause im wallowing like a cow in pain. Back to the ER i was 10 centimeters. Before pushing they asked if there was anything i should tell the doctor. I finally fessed up and told her I had been using fentanyl also copious amounts of marijuana. I really didn't know I was pregnant so please don't judge me. after the baby was born they whisked her away where she had to go through fentanyl withdrawal for the first two weeks of her life. I was still in shock and trying to find a family for the baby to be adopted in. So I didnt get to be with her a lot in the beginning I guess my question is, what would have happened if I found out early on like everyone else did. What would have been the steps? Could i have kept the baby if i was able to go through MATS? Will the fentanyl ruin her life in the future?

Good news; its an open adoption and im part of her life daily. I just wonder sometimes if things had went differently or if any mothers can tell me their stories. How do you stop feeling so guilty.

 

[deficiT]

I can't say how things would be different. I can say that the baby is likely fine, it is more common than you would think,, the opioid withdrawal anyway. I don't think it's as damaging as alcohol. The cocaine use isn't good though. That said, I'm not a doctor. Wish I had the words to assuage your guilt but unfortunately I don't.

 

[G_Chem]

Yea these types of what ifs are never healthy to dwell on. It’s hard to really know how it’s going to play out.

I’d like to say both me and my current partner, our mothers drank, used cocaine and smoked weed when pregnant with us. We got our issues but overall I’d say we’re both well adjusted adults.

Don’t stress on the past, just focus on the now. What can you do today that can make that child’s life better tomorrow?

-GC

 

[Jen X]

A couple months after my husband passed i had a miscarriage, prob from stress but i started using then, mostly to cover guilt from losing him and loosing a part of him. It sent me down a path of pure mental anguish and self hate. I got my tubes tide. Please don't dwell on it, it will just make you miserable. You did the best thing for the baby given your circumstances.
Guilt is awful and will only keep you using, with an open adoption you can still be in your childs life. I know it's hard but you did the right thing and please try not to dwell on the negative