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Wanting to take things slower than they do (Unbalanced)

Junction

Junction

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2008
Messages
118
Location
NJ
Hello everyone,

Right now I am seeing someone. He is funny, smart, sweet, good-looking and we treat each other very well. I like him, enjoy spending time with him, and want to continue seeing him to see where it goes. He has moved very quickly, telling me that he loves me on the 4th date and wanting to make our relationship "official". I did not reply that I loved him back, but I did say that I liked him and my feelings for him grow each time I see him.

He uses the "L" word every time I see him now, which leads to awkward silences from me, but that leaves him undeterred. It makes me uncomfortable, because while I do like him a lot, I do not love him and I would never say that without meaning it.

Have you ever been in this kind of situation where the level of appreciation between the two was unbalanced like this? But, you still really appreciate them and want to continue seeing them, but also don't want to hurt them. What did you do?
 
Take into account that we have known each other for longer than we have been dating. Didn't really hang out with him before, but would encounter each other at parties or in the context of larger groups.
 
Don't let yourself get pressured into anything or be rushed. Do what you want/feel. If it gets to the point where he's unhappy or you feel overwhelmed, you weren't a good match to begin with. Don't live a lie.
 
That's a little weird to say that on the fourth date. I'm sure that many people feel that by the fourth date, but letting it out so soon...

You could question his emotional stability. There might be a void wanting to be filled, and this may lead to some neediness and a need for reassurance. However, if you were interested in loving this person back at some point, I don't see why that would be a big issue. I personally, can handle a good deal of neediness from a partner if I care about them. It only strokes my ego, and fills my need to be needed.

You should probably explain to him how uncomfortable it makes you that he is so quick to say those words. Points that you could cover: How can you use that so lightly; what does that say about your definition of love? I'm interested in you, and if you continue to make me uncomfortable, I may stop being so. I don't love youyet and that doesn't mean that it won't happen; We're on the right track so far, so don't derail us.

Same as almost every other thread in SLR: Communication, baby. Good Luck :)
 
The replies so far are excellent. :)

I faced similar recently. I responded that "I love you" is an extremely strong phrase, and I'll say it back when it's my truth.

:)
 
I read everyone's replies so far. Thanks, guys. It's all solid advice, and hearing some other people's input really helps me to figure out what is the best way to go forward! :)
 
Animal Mother said:
That's a little weird to say that on the fourth date. I'm sure that many people feel that by the fourth date, but letting it out so soon...

You could question his emotional stability. There might be a void wanting to be filled, and this may lead to some neediness and a need for reassurance. However, if you were interested in loving this person back at some point, I don't see why that would be a big issue. I personally, can handle a good deal of neediness from a partner if I care about them. It only strokes my ego, and fills my need to be needed.
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This. Don't want to put you off but just remember that pushing for this kind of level of commitment and attachment so early on in a relationship could indicate that he wants to push ahead regardless of your boundaries. It is actually a known early indicator with people who are controlling or abusive later on in relationships and could be to do with narcissistic characteristics in him. None of this is likely to be the case - you've known him for a while - but I would make my boundaries clear if I were you and not feel pushed in any way into something you feel uncomfortable with. If he truly is into you and not just trying to control you, he'll respect this and slow down.
 
Baby...

My mother always told me when I was a kid that "appetite comes while eating" and my reply was "the food sucks mom...". The appetite never came and my mom would become frustrated. When I went to a restaurant and ordered my favorite food, it was gone before I even worried if I had an appetite or not. Your body is sending you signals, and the signals is all that matters, it's all that is real. You cannot paint a crow and make it looks like a parrot. Responses above are of great quality, it's not worth living a lie. If you have to sit and wonder carefully, or wait for love to come, there is no love. Only emptiness.

You're staring at an empty glass waiting for it to fill with wine. Not even Jesus can help you. He turned water into wine, without a license might I add, but he could not have filled empty vessels.
 
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That is quite soon to say "I love you" but sometimes it just feels right. Talk it out with him, let him know you want to take it slower.
 
Ksa said:
Baby...

My mother always told me when I was a kid that "appetite comes while eating" and my reply was "the food sucks mom...". The appetite never came and my mom would become frustrated. When I went to a restaurant and ordered my favorite food, it was gone before I even worried if I had an appetite or not. Your body is sending you signals, and the signals is all that matters, it's all that is real. You cannot paint a crow and make it looks like a parrot. Responses above are of great quality, it's not worth living a lie. If you have to sit and wonder carefully, or wait for love to come, there is no love. Only emptiness.

You're staring at an empty glass waiting for it to fill with wine. Not even Jesus can help you. He turned water into wine, without a license might I add, but he could not have filled empty vessels.
Click to expand...

I wasn't hungry, but you sure fed us some word salad...
 
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Ksa, I guess you're right, my body is sending me certain signals. At the same time my mind is sending me others telling me to wait a while and to not ruin something that has potential because of my personal fears. In the end who really knows? But your point to follow gut instincts and intuition appeals to me.

I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do yet, but your response, and everyone else's, are awesome. Thanks again, guys.
 
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