xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
Basically, here's the story in a nutshell:
When I joined the military I met this guy who I clicked with right off the bat. I mean our connection was unreal, we immediately started "dating"... if sneaking into his barracks room to make out and then spending the night in there counts as dating. haha. Anyway, I ended up meeting someone else... why I was stupid enough to ditch this guy for the other one was beyond me, I can't even think of what my reasoning was at the time. Anyway, this guy and I stayed close anyways and developed a super deep bond. I hesitate to use the word soulmate because of how cheesy it sounds, but every definition of the word fits what our relationship was like back then. I realized I was in love with him after a few months, kinda just hit me out of nowhere, but he was dating someone else by then so I knew not to act on it. Long story short, this little secret of mine caused a lot of underlying issues... which caused a lot of fights between us over stupid things... but still, we would still call each other "best friend" and stay up until 5 am talking about anything and everything and playing Guitar Hero or whatever other shenanigans we did. The day I got out of the military, he gave me a hug and said, "This isn't goodbye, you'll be back." I don't know if he thought I wasn't seriously leaving or what... but honestly I wasn't worried about our relationship, because he said that, and because we had both discovered long ago that we only lived an hour away from each other (in our hometowns), and also because it was him. It was unfathomable to me that he wouldn't be in my life forever. We used to joke about going to each other's weddings and then being the crazy old people who pounded Jack. Those were the days... Anyway, I got home to the other side of the coast, received one missed call from him, and that was it. He never picked up my call when I called him back that one time. That was almost five years ago. He never responded to any of my emails or text messages... never picked up my calls... seriously, just nothing. I never gave up though. Until one day, he did answer my call maybe two years later or so... and pretended he didn't know who I was. Ouch. To say I was shattered by this would be a gross understatement.
So that's our little history. Now, you have to understand that there was literally never a day that went by where I didn't think about him, and miss him so much that it actually hurt physically. It got to the point where the pain was so bad at times that I would try to drown it out with drugs or alcohol or even meaningless sex. I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but I seriously believed... no, I *knew*... that we were supposed to be in each other's lives somehow to look out for each other or whatever. And I love/d this guy more than it should even be possible to love another human being. I can't put it into words, but at one point he felt the same way. I couldn't ever understand what happened, or why everything was fine one minute and then not the next, or how he could just cut me off without a second glance, etc. etc. Basically, I had no closure. I would look FORWARD to going to sleep some nights just in case I was going to have a dream with him in it, just because that was the only way I could see him or talk to him anymore. Yeah, it's all pretty pathetic lol especially for me... I'm one of the most guarded people I know and have about a million different walls up, but he came along and knocked them all down somehow. My feelings haven't faded since that day I realized I loved him either.
I met him five years ago. He disappeared from my life four years ago. And since then, there has been a constant, nagging pain that never goes away, to the point where I've actually gotten used to it being there. It just didn't feel right that I couldn't walk two doors down or pick up the phone to call him when I was upset and vice versa. It's like... a piece of me went missing. FUCK I don't know how to explain it. Whatever. But I never stopped believing with all my heart that we were supposed to be in each other's lives somehow, even if just as friends. And so I never stopped trying to contact him, even if the intervals of silence from me got longer and longer over time. I prayed, I wished on stars, I did every cliche thing I could think of and more just for ONE chance to see him again, face to face, and get some closure. The last time I attempted contacting him was a year ago.
Now get this. I recently moved to a new city about an hour and a half from where I used to live. I knew another friend that had moved there recently as well, and texted them asking them if they were still living out there... or so I thought. Nope, it turned out to be *that guy* who I had accidentally texted (he has the same name as my friend)... and I got this text back: "Yea, I do live in ___... why?"
Well consider my mind blown. I was just like wtf. We were both hours away from our hometowns and had somehow ended up in the same city AGAIN. Plus, he had actually, like... spoken to me. I guess I kind of freaked out a little bit and moved back home, like, immediately. That shit was too intense and coincidental. But then I calmed down a little bit... and that night, I actually wished on a star again that I would get just one more chance to see him, talk to him, and get my closure. And I did, the next day. I had to drive back down there to pick up some stuff and decided to text him to say what's up, and to my surprise, he actually told me where he was and that I should come by.
So of course I did. I'd been waiting four years for that to happen. I was nervous driving to where he was because I thought it was too good to be true, but nope, I walked in and there he was. I walked over to him and gave him a hug and said it was good to see him, and he did the same, and it was like all my nervousness and anticipation and the pain I've felt over the past four years melted away. It was like nothing had ever changed. We just sat and talked there for an hour until I had to leave. It was so comfortable, in fact, that I forgot to get my closure.
While we were talking though it seemed like he was feeling the same way I was - like old times - and even texted me later saying that we should chill. Of course I want to be his friend again, but it's such a precarious situation. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up. And that was a week ago, and I haven't built up the courage to just call him and make plans... because I'm scared that it's going to be the way it was, with him never answering his phone, and that I'm going to get my heart stomped on all over again. But this is all I've ever wanted for a very long time now... so I don't know what to do... I just don't know if I could handle losing him twice.
I guess what I want to know, experienced SLR'ers, is how I should go about rebuilding a friendship with this person. I don't want a relationship, there's no way I would risk something going wrong again by trying to pursue that... and I don't really see him that way anymore regardless... but I DO want him back in my life. At least somehow. Even if it has to be in a very small way, like we only hang out once every great while. Or hell, even if it's that we don't hang out at all, but at least exchange the occasional text or phone call and have a conversation sometimes. And honestly, it just kind of feels like this didn't happen on accident you know? It feels like some crazy universal voodoo shit at work... I mean, really... what are the chances of that happening... I really was at the point of believing that I would never see him or talk to him again in my life. And then, by pure coincidence and being at the right place at the right time, I got more than I ever could have asked for... or at least believed could have ever happened. It's still tripping me out that I actually got to see him and talk to him face to face again and that it was civil, and actually initiated by him. I don't know WHAT to think, I guess. I just want to know that he's back, like for real, and that we're okay...
When I joined the military I met this guy who I clicked with right off the bat. I mean our connection was unreal, we immediately started "dating"... if sneaking into his barracks room to make out and then spending the night in there counts as dating. haha. Anyway, I ended up meeting someone else... why I was stupid enough to ditch this guy for the other one was beyond me, I can't even think of what my reasoning was at the time. Anyway, this guy and I stayed close anyways and developed a super deep bond. I hesitate to use the word soulmate because of how cheesy it sounds, but every definition of the word fits what our relationship was like back then. I realized I was in love with him after a few months, kinda just hit me out of nowhere, but he was dating someone else by then so I knew not to act on it. Long story short, this little secret of mine caused a lot of underlying issues... which caused a lot of fights between us over stupid things... but still, we would still call each other "best friend" and stay up until 5 am talking about anything and everything and playing Guitar Hero or whatever other shenanigans we did. The day I got out of the military, he gave me a hug and said, "This isn't goodbye, you'll be back." I don't know if he thought I wasn't seriously leaving or what... but honestly I wasn't worried about our relationship, because he said that, and because we had both discovered long ago that we only lived an hour away from each other (in our hometowns), and also because it was him. It was unfathomable to me that he wouldn't be in my life forever. We used to joke about going to each other's weddings and then being the crazy old people who pounded Jack. Those were the days... Anyway, I got home to the other side of the coast, received one missed call from him, and that was it. He never picked up my call when I called him back that one time. That was almost five years ago. He never responded to any of my emails or text messages... never picked up my calls... seriously, just nothing. I never gave up though. Until one day, he did answer my call maybe two years later or so... and pretended he didn't know who I was. Ouch. To say I was shattered by this would be a gross understatement.
So that's our little history. Now, you have to understand that there was literally never a day that went by where I didn't think about him, and miss him so much that it actually hurt physically. It got to the point where the pain was so bad at times that I would try to drown it out with drugs or alcohol or even meaningless sex. I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but I seriously believed... no, I *knew*... that we were supposed to be in each other's lives somehow to look out for each other or whatever. And I love/d this guy more than it should even be possible to love another human being. I can't put it into words, but at one point he felt the same way. I couldn't ever understand what happened, or why everything was fine one minute and then not the next, or how he could just cut me off without a second glance, etc. etc. Basically, I had no closure. I would look FORWARD to going to sleep some nights just in case I was going to have a dream with him in it, just because that was the only way I could see him or talk to him anymore. Yeah, it's all pretty pathetic lol especially for me... I'm one of the most guarded people I know and have about a million different walls up, but he came along and knocked them all down somehow. My feelings haven't faded since that day I realized I loved him either.
I met him five years ago. He disappeared from my life four years ago. And since then, there has been a constant, nagging pain that never goes away, to the point where I've actually gotten used to it being there. It just didn't feel right that I couldn't walk two doors down or pick up the phone to call him when I was upset and vice versa. It's like... a piece of me went missing. FUCK I don't know how to explain it. Whatever. But I never stopped believing with all my heart that we were supposed to be in each other's lives somehow, even if just as friends. And so I never stopped trying to contact him, even if the intervals of silence from me got longer and longer over time. I prayed, I wished on stars, I did every cliche thing I could think of and more just for ONE chance to see him again, face to face, and get some closure. The last time I attempted contacting him was a year ago.
Now get this. I recently moved to a new city about an hour and a half from where I used to live. I knew another friend that had moved there recently as well, and texted them asking them if they were still living out there... or so I thought. Nope, it turned out to be *that guy* who I had accidentally texted (he has the same name as my friend)... and I got this text back: "Yea, I do live in ___... why?"
Well consider my mind blown. I was just like wtf. We were both hours away from our hometowns and had somehow ended up in the same city AGAIN. Plus, he had actually, like... spoken to me. I guess I kind of freaked out a little bit and moved back home, like, immediately. That shit was too intense and coincidental. But then I calmed down a little bit... and that night, I actually wished on a star again that I would get just one more chance to see him, talk to him, and get my closure. And I did, the next day. I had to drive back down there to pick up some stuff and decided to text him to say what's up, and to my surprise, he actually told me where he was and that I should come by.
So of course I did. I'd been waiting four years for that to happen. I was nervous driving to where he was because I thought it was too good to be true, but nope, I walked in and there he was. I walked over to him and gave him a hug and said it was good to see him, and he did the same, and it was like all my nervousness and anticipation and the pain I've felt over the past four years melted away. It was like nothing had ever changed. We just sat and talked there for an hour until I had to leave. It was so comfortable, in fact, that I forgot to get my closure.
While we were talking though it seemed like he was feeling the same way I was - like old times - and even texted me later saying that we should chill. Of course I want to be his friend again, but it's such a precarious situation. I'm terrified of getting my hopes up. And that was a week ago, and I haven't built up the courage to just call him and make plans... because I'm scared that it's going to be the way it was, with him never answering his phone, and that I'm going to get my heart stomped on all over again. But this is all I've ever wanted for a very long time now... so I don't know what to do... I just don't know if I could handle losing him twice.
I guess what I want to know, experienced SLR'ers, is how I should go about rebuilding a friendship with this person. I don't want a relationship, there's no way I would risk something going wrong again by trying to pursue that... and I don't really see him that way anymore regardless... but I DO want him back in my life. At least somehow. Even if it has to be in a very small way, like we only hang out once every great while. Or hell, even if it's that we don't hang out at all, but at least exchange the occasional text or phone call and have a conversation sometimes. And honestly, it just kind of feels like this didn't happen on accident you know? It feels like some crazy universal voodoo shit at work... I mean, really... what are the chances of that happening... I really was at the point of believing that I would never see him or talk to him again in my life. And then, by pure coincidence and being at the right place at the right time, I got more than I ever could have asked for... or at least believed could have ever happened. It's still tripping me out that I actually got to see him and talk to him face to face again and that it was civil, and actually initiated by him. I don't know WHAT to think, I guess. I just want to know that he's back, like for real, and that we're okay...
So, the guy who was blowing you off is the same guy who is now in the same city as you are? I'm just trying to understand. It just seems weird to me, because at first it sounded like you guys had something. Then, it sounded like he was blowing you off. Then, you guys moved close and he just said you guys could chill, but he hasn't followed up? I don't know...the first paragraph sounded like you guys had something going, but if you were my GF telling me this story, I would tell you that I think he's being really distant..and really distant is a sign that the guy wants to be left alone. Does he have a girlfriend?
