Want To Get Clean But Don't Want To Lose Kids

[Pariahprose]

My S/O and I have 2 children, a handsome rowdy two year old who will be 3 in July and an almost equally rowdy but beautiful 11 month old baby girl who will be one in April. We also have a near daily synthetic marijuana and a growing amphetamine problem. We want to get help but are afraid to seek it in any from any structured establishments or programs for fear of losing custody of our two children.

We need something structured so badly because we cannot do it on our own at least not in a healthy manner. We end up arguing far more when we have nothing for a couple of days and can't imagine how bad it would be if we decided to stop using. Some structure would give us something to preoccupy our minds but the stigmata around drug addicts leaves us with the very real fear have having DFCS(Department of Family and Child Services) called and our kids taken. We both know that the initial pain from such an event would result in a deep sense of hopelessness that we are not sure that we could pull ourselves out of unscathed in our relationship for our kids and ourselves.

What can we do?God how I hate the current "War" mindset on drugs. It just feels like it is causing us to be trapped and resulting in more harm than good Neither my S/O or myself have any family that would be able to help with the kids during this time either so that would not be an option

Pariahprose

 

[herbavore]

That is a terrible bind and I also am sorry that two people that want to quit cannot be helped to do so without fear of losing their kids. The war on drugs and the criminalization of addiction causes so much damage to families on top of the damage of addiction. People deserve help, not punishment.

I assume what you are thinking of is a rehab (when you speak of 'some structure')? Have you checked into programs in your area at all? Sometimes counselors at these places can work with families as an intermediary (with DFCS) to help find temporary placement for your children with the condition that you complete the program, submit to testing afterwards etc. Your kids need you to do this now, some way or another.

Have you considered trying to quit one substance first on your own and then tackling the second? I would imagine that the amphetamines would be the hardest as raising two small children takes tons of energy and now you have conditioned yourself to count on that source. Routine is the best thing for infants and toddlers and it will help you to not feel so overwhelmed and exhausted as well.

Another idea might be to stagger your entry into rehab with your S/O. I know there is a lot of danger in that (in that one of you will still be using) but I'm just trying to think of ways that you can do it with the least trauma to your children as well as the most support for yourselves.

Have you been to meetings of any kind since you decided that you want to quit? You may be able to meet parents that have been in your situation in your local area that have ideas for you.

Congratulations to both you and your S/O for recognizing that you have a problem and beginning the process of getting healthy. I can tell that you love your children and each other and that will be a huge source of strength.

edit: what about outpatient rehab (few hours per day/meetings at night)? Forgot to put this out there before!

 

[spork]

Have you heard of Parents Anonymous? They're an organization whose services I think you could really benefit from right now. They won't judge you, they're there to help preserve your family and support you so that your children won't be taken from you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you and your SO are making good decisions for your children right now. You're good parents.

 

[neversickanymore]

Have you checked into NA meetings where you are at.. there are kids sitting in (including babies) at almost all my home group meetings. doesn't even get a second look... you may want to check that out. IMO, i think you should really check out the meetings and prepare yourselves and each other for the fact that you may get a little upset at first when learning how to live sober. I would really, take a deep breath, relax.. look up meetings in your area. You both don't need to go to the same meetings, in fact it might be a good time for each of you to have a little time away from the baby and each other.. everyone needs that as a parent/SO, or you will eventually try and eat your families raw, Hey.. I'm not making lite of your guys situation.. but i don't know.. I have a good vibe about you guys and think that you will find just what you are looking for with a alone time meeting every few days or so.. don't worry about going alone the first time or drop the kids off for one time and go alone.. everybody there was a little apprehensive the first time and people a generally really welcoming. I truly think you would be jumping the gun if you didn't give this a GOOD LONG try before you both traipse away from each other and your kiddos to something hard core like an inpatient. you are very fortunate in that you have decided to start making the effort to get clean before it gets out of hand, it doesn't sound to me like your lives are in danger. Relax it takes a little while to work something like this out, its a learning and implementing process, so glad you two are going to take care of this before it has a chance to get bad.. Kinda rare that you see that.. All the luck and love in the world to you and yours.. keep us posted.

 

[Biohazardess]

Hey... Im doing this out of order and im sorry for that, but this has to be my first post... Ill introduce myself in the New Members area in a minute... Its just that this post randomly caught my eye and after reading it, i know why.
About 4 years ago i was inthe same boat you are about to fall out of too... I was scared as hell, but it occurred too me tho, that losing my children for Doing Drugs was FAR more likely than it is for catching a *minor* drug dependency issue before it becomes a full blown out of control Drug PROBLEM/addiction and asking for legit help.
I dont know what state you live in... But im in texas and here, each little group of counties has an organization who handles substance abuse programs... In the area im from its called "ETCADA" - East Texas Counsel on Alcohol and Drug Abuse... So maybe its something similar where you are.
Call them and be straight up and they will probably tell you that there are what is called an "intensive outpatient program" where you attend a specified and individualized number of group meetings, among other less significant criteria, like one on one counseling once a week... They have funding sources thru the state that arent hard to qualify for... And MOST importantly NoOne can or will call DFCS on you. Legally they cannot disclose ANY information to anyone unless they have reasonable proof of abuse or neglect.
Seriously, ive got 2 kids and im a single parent, believe me... I have been thru intensive OP twice, quit BOTH times cause i started getting high again. I went almost Daily to the Methadone clinic and took my kids with me out of desperation, Every time, at 5am. I failed Many ua's and stupidly got caught pocketing my own fucking meds there, they searched me and found 6 xanax in my purse...
I just spent 3 weeks in the hospital after extensive surgery to remove tissue from Necrotizing Fasciitis/MSSA (caused from a staph infection, from picking and re-using needles )... Noone has called in on me because i was never hurting my children, they were well taken care of, and i never got literally caught using or into drug related legal trouble.
You risk alot more by continuing to use than by asking for help.
There are also inpatient programs that will allow moms to take their children under 6 with them to stay and integrate parenting skills while sober into treatment.
Just Do It... If you want to stop. I, personally, have yet to remain clean because i hadnt bottomed out at MY personal bottom up until i just spent 3 days in a coma and 3 weeks in the hospital.. I now have a very large wound on my hip from surgery that i caused myself, really... I was really sick for a while and still using before i went to seek medical attention... I guess i simply havent ever been ready to stop and i maintained very well throughout most of the last 16 years of being a drug addict. I am still using and im wired right now... But im also already in the process of being admitted into a recovery program, and im ready to really stop, before i die, because its going to kill me and almost did.
I let myself get way outta control and my life is so seriously fucked up because of it. Please get ahold of it now before it gets worse.

And heres the deal when it comes to recovery and S/Os... You have to be ready enough to stop using that you either support eachother and get thru it together or you accept that its gonna either work or you split up but quitting and saving your lives and your children are at the top of the priority list.
In this situation, and ive been there, its cut and dry... If he isnt Helping then he is Hurting. I know thats not what you wanna hear, but the bottom line is that the fights are very real and things can get crazy when you come down, but the drugs and the addiction is also very real and the liklihood of you both consistently being ok with not getting high ALL the time is Nil. One or the other of you are going to say you wanna get high one day and both of you are likely going to end up relapsing.
Its hard as fuck to quit Alone, so having to think about your kiddos and worry about someone else's recovery is A ton of stress to cope with. Hopefully you guys are strong enough to do it but you cant use fighting and all that as an excuse to keep gettin high if you really want to stop. If you can't do it together, you may consider a break to do it apart.

I sincerely wish you The Best of Luck and total success in quitting... You can do it . You will not get in trouble or have anyone call in on you. There are ways to do it and make it work, all ya gotta do is be ready enough to look for the doors and find ways to open them.