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Want to call but still in doubt

Cohesion

Cohesion

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
1,069
Location
Portland, OR
I'm not sure how far to play this out.

I'm not a student & I'm reminded of this every day as I live in a university town. I ride the bus a lot and dream of dating one of these gorgeous foreign students. Simultaneously I feel inadequate as I have engaged in what I consider lowlife activities - immoral & degrading things like prostitution, homelessness from drug use, losing custody to DCFS- in the last year. Not surprisingly my self esteem is not so aroused.

As a result I became disadvantaged (shitty apartment, no job, etc.). I'm very actively changing my whole being (since July), and I got on board with this university program where I (community person) am paired with a student (fulfilling a class requirement) to help me find resources. The flier said FREE RESOURCES if you have been in a domestic violent relationship in the last year. Lo and behold I get this person who I find attractive (ok- gorgeous foreign student), and he apparently is attracted...to ME. I even read a short primer on body language to verify that my perception has not been permanently thwarted by aforementioned lowlife activities. I can list what signs tell me this but I won't waste yours or my time unless you don't believe me.

While the premise (being in need of resources namely a job and a better apartment) makes it moderately uncomfortable, we've come to a sort of understanding that I don't really need to be embarrassed.

Tonight we dragged the meeting out to 2.5 hours, as we took the bus to the housing authority for a Section 8 application. Seriously. At the end we were planning the next time to meet. I accidentally suggested Monday (his busy day) and he actually deliberated on whether we should meet; he even said it would be ok "maybe" for an hour. He told me I should call him... and then added on (to maintain some semblance of professionalism), "if you need something". I'm sure that we are meeting more than is really required for his class, and it's clear I'm not REALLY needing his help (I'm pretty resourceful).

Problem is I don't want to call and look over-enthusiastic; at the same time I can't hide my body language and he sees I like him too. Even though ALL the signs are there I still doubt he would even really like me if he knew what I have done. My confusion can be summarized by this: I feel like the strung out homeless dude on the street AND the smart, well-dressed grad student at the same time.

People what do you think? The idea is to call and come up with some thing to say related to what we've been working on. Truth is I don't want to call Monday as he'll be busy.. and if I did, maybe Monday night is ok? I feel like I definitely SHOULD call because A) Playing hard to get at this point is just a dream. B) He said I should.

Please say something re: your thoughts...as I think the real issue is my confidence and a little outside opinion could only help.

TIA
 
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Definitely call him! He said so ... right? You don't have to call right away if you don't want to seem over enthusiastic. Wait a bit?

Your story is somewhat in code, so it's hard to really understand what's going on, but why not go for it? :)
 
Fixed.

I'm sure I'm not the only one a little paranoid that people we talk about might somehow read this. 8)
 
You might as well just big quotes fingers around your entire life if you're gonna come off like this. ;) Go and get fucked already. If you didn't care about your dignity then, why care about it now that it's not even being threatened? Seems silly.
 
While that comment made me smile I don't want to get fucked.

I want to take care of my body first. IF I do start seeing him I don't want to sleep together for at least a few months. I want him to get his requirement for the class (8 more weeks). For dating, I prefer to take things sl-ll-ow. I actually told him once that I'm not in a place emotionally to be dating anyone.

1st: Mental health

2nd: Long term partner hopes - a.k.a. someone who doesn't mind waiting=quality
 
Just do whatever feels right to you at the time. Don't worry about silly little things like waiting a couple of days to call him because you don't want him to think you are too keen.
As for your past life with being homeless etc, you don't need to share that with him unless you really want to.
You sound like a good person who is in need of some fun, love,friendships and good times and I hope that you get to enjoy all of these things.
 
I would say wait til you actually need to see him for the official reasons...don't make him think you\re TOO eager...a guy likes a girl who's into them, but not so much they're on their case all the time - the chase is all part of it, and so wait a lil bit...you sound like a few extra days would be good to integrate your attraction to him, in the right context.
 
I would stick to the rule of sex by the third date. Foreign students aren't looking for someone to settle down with, and making a big issue of wanting to have emotional healing just broadcasts that you are wounded and vulnerable.

And be careful. He already knows that you are vulnerable, and different cultures have different expectations about what that entails. I don't recommend getting involved in a cross-cultural relationship unless you're treating it as just a fling, or unless you have the emotional maturity and patience to grow into it. Having you be from two different social strata and in different life stages will be complicated enough. You don't want to also be in a situation where you're both having to bend your definitions of "love" to meet the other person's cultural expectations halfway.

I think you should totally go for it, but treat it as a short-term fling. Even if he insists otherwise, just chalk it up to cultural incompatibility, because that's what it it will probably be (they never *really* kill themselves when you break up with them).
 
There's nothing wrong with your past, mami. It is your past, and if anything it makes you stronger going forward. I've had a ton of crazy stuff in my past too, but honestly I find it gives me a good perspective on life now that I've got my head straightened out.
 
dgolds said:
I would stick to the rule of sex by the third date. Foreign students aren't looking for someone to settle down with, and making a big issue of wanting to have emotional healing just broadcasts that you are wounded and vulnerable.

And be careful. He already knows that you are vulnerable, and different cultures have different expectations about what that entails. I don't recommend getting involved in a cross-cultural relationship unless you're treating it as just a fling, or unless you have the emotional maturity and patience to grow into it. Having you be from two different social strata and in different life stages will be complicated enough. You don't want to also be in a situation where you're both having to bend your definitions of "love" to meet the other person's cultural expectations halfway.

I think you should totally go for it, but treat it as a short-term fling. Even if he insists otherwise, just chalk it up to cultural incompatibility, because that's what it it will probably be (they never *really* kill themselves when you break up with them).
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Thank you so much for this insight.

I have been at a meditation retreat all day. Less than an hour ago I decided that, No I am not calling him. We already see each other 2x a week. Plus I don't want to have a weak character. I decided I don't want to date right now-- in fact it's rude that he ignored this. Especially since the premise is that I qualify for the help of his program because *I was in domestic violence.*

Plus he's not vegetarian. That's not even ALMOST what i'm looking for.

I'm going to do my best to not send mixed signals.

A fling is the.last.thing. I could ever want. I'm healing from trauma. He knows it- what is up with this guy. I'm no longer gonna take "whatever comes".
 
Jblazingphoenix100 said:
I would say wait til you actually need to see him for the official reasons...don't make him think you\re TOO eager...a guy likes a girl who's into them, but not so much they're on their case all the time - the chase is all part of it, and so wait a lil bit...you sound like a few extra days would be good to integrate your attraction to him, in the right context.
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"the official reasons" <this

This thread has helped me a lot. The "chase" is on, but I doubt I'll get interested. Turned on maybe, especially if I keep letting him look at me in the eyes like that. It will be hard to turn away that sort of sweetness. I just can't forget that darkness can be the most deceiving! If I allow myself to get used I will be utterly devastated. So I have to keep my resolve. If sex is all he wants he's really gonna get bored. It is so sad to me that I spent all available fling energy on some real sorry losers.

8 more weeks of this. :\ If it's true then time will tell. I'm gonna hold myself accountable here.
 
I feel for you and with you mami.

I would just call. Life is too short to regret something you haven't done.

:)
 
I messed up :/

Thanks to Noodle - I did call him, the conversation was nice and sweet and things seemed to be gaining momentum ...

A wrench in the works: Today I got a call from the pharmacy, "Your prescription is ready for pick up." Even though I told the Dr. I didn't want Vyvanse it ended up coming through. Because I had to pay, I got a 3 day supply only. This happened RIGHT BEFORE our meeting today!!

I took a small dose, and my personality was dampened. I felt awkward and not social.

It hurts me because:
-I couldn't transmit the sweetness I got at the retreat to him. I was not my sincere self.
-It was only our 5th or 6th meeting so he's still forming an opinion of me
-I relapsed! :X

It is ok because:
-He does not qualify every category on my list of Non-Negotiables so I don't truly want him.
 
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^Fukin' amps....now I got a better idea of what's going on....my bad for the carelessness earlier posts....socializing and lightheartedness got the better of me...

I really think if you keep your head somewhat detached from all the signals being exchanged, you'd be alright, no matter what happens. That's obviously the challenge of living in general, so it's not like I'm telling you anything anyone doesn't already know, but it seems to be especially key here.
You really can't expect much from this, which it seems like a part of you realizes. Emotions are liars....or broken records/clocks that are occasionally right.... He's an attractive guy, yes? Well biologically there's barely more than 1 purpose for an attractive male in the animal kingdom, and emotions are nothing but biological repercussions shaped and perceived via various social lenses you've grown with. Would you think that the feelings you are feeling are little more than your own repressed sexual urges acting up at the first decent human attention you've received in a long time? And that the somewhat taboo nature of such a relationship is simultaneously contributing towards the attraction and your hesitation? How much of your predicament is caused by him as a special individual in relation to you?
I don't know what to tell ya seeing as how I'm fairly certain of the fact that part of you knows everything it needs to know about this situation, but still, you seem to be hurting from a more general malaise.
I'd suggest just taking what you need to feel good about yourself, and forgetting the rest. If only the world were perfect....

Wish I could help more!
 
^Fukin' amps....now I got a better idea of what's going on....my bad for the carelessness earlier posts....socializing and lightheartedness got the better of me...
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The "carelessness" worked though. Believe it or not I had actually forgotten that men are thinking of sex by default..women of emotional connection by default.. recipe for getting burned thar

I really think if you keep your head somewhat detached from all the signals being exchanged, you'd be alright, no matter what happens.
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Funny you should say this to someone who does .75-1.25 hours meditation every day. Thank you for keeping me humble.
Would you think that the feelings you are feeling are little more than your own repressed sexual urges acting up at the first decent human attention you've received in a long time? And that the somewhat taboo nature of such a relationship is simultaneously contributing towards the attraction and your hesitation? How much of your predicament is caused by him as a special individual in relation to you?
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Good questioning
but still, you seem to be hurting from a more general malaise.
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Again, the humbling. There is room/need for improvement.
I'd suggest just taking what you need to feel good about yourself, and forgetting the rest. If only the world were perfect....
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I'm actually digging the sort of practice/experience this relationship is giving me.
 
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