Vicodin supply cut off due to 'cry for help'—fearful it may have been a mistake

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

To give you all a bit of a background as to why this bothers me, here's the scoop. I became heavily addicted to stimulants at age 15, by 17 I was sent away to a lockdown facility. When I returned, I was still completely unwilling to get sober. The fact that I was unwilling to get sober led to years of heavy drug/alcohol abuse. Up until about age 20, I was heavy into meth and alcohol. By the time I was 21, I had so much hatred for myself due to everything I had let myself endure due to drug/alcohol abuse. It was from then on that I started taking opiates more...I began to realize how blissful and numb opiates made me. Then, at age 21, I had several events occur...one in particular that just tore me to pieces. I devoloped PTSD, and while keeping the origin a secret, I converted to painkillers. I wanted to get high, but my body started producing an automatic 'freak the fuck out' response on stimulants.

Basically, to cut to the chase, recently I realized that my life has not been nearly as bad as I have 'felt' it was my entire life. The experience that gave me PTSD was in a very compelling way, a 'blessing in disguise'. The only problem was that during the years I kept such things a secret...I had another secret. I was completely strung-out on painkillers (many of which were obtained in very shady ways )

Now, I am 22 going on 40 in some ways...and barely 15 in others. I relapsed on Oxycontin (while still taking Vicodin), and got so fed-up with the cycle that I ended up confessing to a family member who I was stealing pills from, that I had a far more serious problem with opiates than they imagined. I have experienced so many awful things due to drugs/alcohol; I have never lived a 'sober' adult life. It is holding me back in many ways. Now, here I am with that 'free' supply of pills cut off. I thought it was the right thing to do, it was the right thing to do...but yet I am still scrounging around like a dope fiend for virtually anything to take away reality. To make a long story short, now that the pills are gone, I am frightened regarding what I will turn to next. I have access to heroin (which I've done), cocaine (which I've done), rigs (which I've used), Oxys (I think you get it), ect. I have been drinking half a bottle of absinthe a day, popping excess benzos on top of my script, and trying to fill that 'void'. I am sick of drug/alcohol use bringing me down, but I don't know anything BUT substance abuse! I've tried rehab, I've tried NA, I've tried AA (which I hate)...Where the hell do I go from here? I finally want to live, yet I am mortified that this lack of an 'instant fix' will make me turn to even worse options.

 

[mzemily]

I can't say I'm really able to give you any answers, but I am really grateful you wrote this and that you felt comfortable to share it. My history is different from yours, but my current situation is fairly similar (mainly the getting pills in "shady" ways). When I do actually allow myself to dwell on where I am today and the things I've done to obtain opiates I'm very ashamed of myself, but I suppose part of the drug abuse further allows me to not think about it. While I don't have any helpful things to tell you, I just want to thank you for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone in this battle.

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

Thank you, mzemily. You're welcome, and you are definitely not alone. I know I am not either. Although, my chances are excruciatingly slimmer. 8) Unfortunately, I'm the type of gal who can help everyone else (not because I think I'm some perfect fucking spiritual guru or egotistical fuck), but simply because I've lived a risky life at a young age. For most people, 22 years old still has this sense of purity...almost as if "the party has just begun". Well, first off, I fucking hate most parties (always have), and second...my body and mind can't handle much more. I've been becoming more 'aware' with myself lately. With that said, I realize that I was on a suicide mission for quite some time. I should be dead. Now that I don't want to be, it's just hard seeing myself fall back into the same patterns. I almost bought a gram of heroin with complimentary cocaine the other day. Almost shot up. Something stopped me that day...but the thought that it even crossed my mind seriously worried me. I love being alive now—upgrading to IV speedballing could take the gift I've been granted right away. I've seen it happen I'm hoping some hardcore addict of many years will read this and tell me something I don't already know. If not, at least I gave it a shot.

 

[mzemily]

Thank YOU! I'm sorry I can't be of more help. But I do think that even though the thought crossed your mind, you didn't give in to it. I think that should be what you're focusing on. You should be proud of that! I think as an addict, the thought crossing your mind is perfectly normal and natural. The fact that you didn't surrender to it is awesome. Be proud of yourself. I know it's hard, but you should be

 

[halcyonsgs]

Please stay away from "absinthe". Luckily, unless you have some rare access, what you are drinking isn't really absinthe. And benzos as a chaser-you must be in so much emotional pain. I've had somewhat similar experiences trying to get sober, but I was a few years older than you when I started. I understand, I think, when you say you hate AA & NA. If 12 Step doesn't work for you, please try to find some other sort of resource for help. It's good that you posted here. Most people are very caring and want to help you find practical solutions to your dilemma. Good Luck.

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

I think as an addict, the thought crossing your mind is perfectly normal and natural.

You're absolutely right. Thank you for reminding me. Perhaps I needed to hear it from another using source.

I'm just so disappointed in myself and concerned about my access to 'harder' drugs. I strive to make a lot of progress in all areas of my life, and if I can do that and somehow dabble in opiates and a few drinks, then hell...that would be fucking wonderful, haha. Unfortunately, I realize I have the type of personality that can (and does) easily (or eventually) take things way too far.

When I think about what I have access to right now, I have to really put myself in check. So far, I've been lucky enough to have been one of the people (who are sadly few and far between), who (as of now) have only shot up heroin a few times and then simply just stopped. The amount of Oxycontin I used this past time, as well as the amount of absinthe I recently consumed, just set off a big fucking 'DANGER AHEAD' sign in my mind. In the past, I would have completely disregarded that sign, (I'm a sick fuck of a gal and I'm honestly convinced I 'get off' on playing with fire). This time I would like to abide by that sign—perhaps see where "the road less travelled" will take me. I suppose all I can do right now is live in the present, though. Live in the present and remain aware of my hedonistic/self-destructive tendencies.
Thank you both for the feedback, and please do not close this thread yet unless necessary. Although I am technically 'alright', the issue is still very much pending. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

[hival]

I'm not going to recommend anything, but merely share a little. I have a very similar story to yours (substitute ptsd with bi-polar disorder.) I started using drugs at around the same age as yourself. From the age of 17, I became a heroin addict, with a crack habit when the money allowed. I went through 4 cold turkey detoxes throughout a year, all forced on me by loved ones. They were also the ones who sent me to rehab, which also was no help. I got back from rehab and began using again within 2 months. When I couldn't get my dope, I would do whatever possible, drinking alcohol, smoking pot, taking OTC drugs in amounts that should have killed me. The point is you're at the crossroads. A little over 15 months ago, I decided that I was truly tired of heroin. I talked with my loved ones and made the choice to go onto methadone. They wanted me to do another stint in rehab, which i flat out refused. Prior to going on methadone, I did 7 cold turkey detoxes, 1 rehab stint, 3 years of NA meetings(which like you, I hated with all my being.), and countless self-tapering detoxes. Needless to say none of them worked. Many people bash methadone, and simply looking at it as a way to get high. Methadone if used in a person with a genuine desire to get clean is a great thing. For the first month I would get a nice buzz until my dose steadied at 120mg. I knew going into the program that I wanted to try it for a year, but also knew I could be signing up for life. Having that year to think, and reassemble my life was a relief. I tapered my dose down for a month, and came off methadone completely Oct 32, 2010. I still smoke marijuana, which I had been using steadily using before heroin, and throughout my methadone use. It is hard to try and stay sober on your own, willpower can only go so far. If you are using anything you can get your hands on to cover your lack of opiates, then you really need to decided where to go from here before you start eyeballing the vanilla extract and mouthwash.

just a little friendly advice from someone who's been there :}

 

[SideOrderOfOpiates]

hival, thank you for letting me in on your story :D
It is always a relief to hear that someone with an equally extensive drug history was able to overcome it.

My current state is that I have been doing better with the drugs, and worse with the drinking. Last night, I figured that since I had been doing better all throughout the week, that I could have a few drinks. After my third drink, my stepfather acted in a manner that hurt and angered me, and I ended up getting into a huge family fight that resulted in me putting a massive crack in a relatives wall. Today, I am sober off of everything except my prescription Xanax XR. I am sober, but I still have many afflictions. I actually resorted to cutting last night for the first time in ages.

As for the methadone, if heroin were my problem...I would go that route (if need it be). I've done well with my pill addiction lately, though. I haven't relapsed on opiates since I last posted. I'm just seriously hoping that I can find some sort of inner solace that lasts for more than a week. It's as though I turn away from one affliction and head right over to a new one. I've been good about stopping as soon as that affliction causes a problem, but I know I should not be doing these things.