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Untreated or existing Anxiety/ Depressive Disorder started pharms fascination

dez79

dez79

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Jan 18, 2015
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Im noticing a common theme here on these pages, and they seem to be, a lot of people suffer anxiety/depression and chronic pain issues then become obsessed/ addicted on medications to help them i.e calm them wen anxious giv them a high wen down ease pain etc.. just looking for a hands up if u fit in these categories or u just like getting hammered for sake of it or both :) thanks
 
My story is I started with PTSD which led to panic atacks which led to antideprssnts which led to benzos, hurt my knee badly which led to opiate addiction which helped with all three anx/dep and pain
 
I started learning about all kinds of medications when I was 14 because I was trying to figure out the best combination of available medications to kill myself with and I had this book that told what drugs could cause death when combined and the more dangerous ones listed death as a symptom of overdose. I also wanted to make sure none of the medications would counteract the effects of each other (some available could raise blood pressure, some lower it, some make the heart beat fast and some slow). Guess that was a fucked up way to start learning. After that I started a pill collection, saving one of every kind of pill I could find. Not to get high, just a weird hobby. Somebody found them and threw them away. I did not learn at all from my reading about getting high on pills as that was not the point of my research but nobody realized I had intentionally done what I did. If they had tested the level of tricyclic antidepressants it would have been obvious because the amount of amitriptyline and doxepin used was massive. I do remember thinking I was dead and in heaven at one point after I woke up. I did it when I knew I'd be home alone all day but it obviously did not work. It was the first time I got high I guess.

So it was an untreated depression that nobody could see and I kept hidden very well until I was 15.5 years old that started me learning about meds but not in the way you are talking about.
 
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my drug use definitely started out of curiosity and boredom, but soon I realized it could help with my social anxiety and then my depression, and then it was the cause of my depression.
 
Thanks for sharing your stories , I find mines now a fill blown hobby of sorts need to know every new rc etc...
 
I started using Valium for chronic pain and it helped like nothing ever before. It was a miracle drug. But when the chronic pain started to go away, I still liked the feeling of valium and began to take it when I went out drinking or when I went to the beach. I find the feeling really boring on its own but I now I love taking it with alcohol and cannabis. I actually have barely missed a weekend without it in almost 2 years now that I think about it....
 
Oh, definitely. I've had depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, and once the angst of adolescence set in on top of it I withdrew from my friends and social groups and began maladaptive daydreaming, which is basically writing mental novels where you 'become' the characters for hours at a time, just sitting staring into the middle distance and are completely immersed in your inner world.

My characters were as fucked-up as I was, and my depressed mind turned to heroin as the stereotypical ultimate escape and a great drama for the plot, so I started spending tons of time on the computer doing 'research' for my story. It started with heroin on erowid, bluelight, etc., and then my nerd side kicked in and for the rest of high school, learning about drugs--from chemistry and neurobiology to drug culture and influence on society--on internet sites became my hobby. And like Tryptamine*Dreamer, I of course also researched lethal doses of drugs as a form of suicidal ideation. (I also researched drugs for mental illness, but that was more vetting my options for potential meds if I ever got the guts to seek treatment.)

I was too much a loner to know how to find drugs in high school, but Pandora's box had been opened and there was no reversing my curiosity, so as soon as I got to college I did ALL THE DRUGS! for the first few years, starting with innocuous psychedelics but ultimately finding my way to the hedonistic and dangerous drugs my young depressed self most craved: oxy, heroin, dillies, meth.

Long story short, I also started having manic episodes in college and was finally properly diagnosed and treated for bipolar and anxiety. And FWIW, since my depression has lifted and I have greater control over my emotions, I no longer feel the need to DO ALL THE DRUGS, and even the stupid heroin/ice addictions I've picked up along this dark path are really losing their luster. I got clean for 4 months then relapsed a month ago--but I'm remembering now how awesome sobriety is, not being chained to a substance to feel happy and having your whole life revolve around it, and I really want to clean up for good.
 
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This. Story of my life. I'm diagnosed with depression, panic disorder, ADD (inattentive-type), and fibromyalgia. I resisted medication for ages, but eventually broke down and started trying to treat things. The problem is, I can never decide what I need to treat and what I don't. When one this gets better, another seems to get worse. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped a lot, but still. I never feel like a real person.

I'm in a constant cycle of being in pain and tired, being anxious and depressed, medicating for one, then compensating with more medication when side effects lean toward the other, and always feeling like I just havent found the *right* combination.


I don't know. Whatever. At least I'm not alone in all this.
 
Anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis. My prescriptions are for these 2 problems...and there are a lot.
 
sighkosis said:
Oh, definitely. I've had depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, and once the angst of adolescence set in on top of it I withdrew from my friends and social groups and began maladaptive daydreaming, which is basically writing mental novels where you 'become' the characters for hours at a time, just sitting staring into the middle distance and are completely immersed in your inner world.

My characters were as fucked-up as I was, and my depressed mind turned to heroin as the stereotypical ultimate escape and a great drama for the plot, so I started spending tons of time on the computer doing 'research' for my story. It started with heroin on erowid, bluelight, etc., and then my nerd side kicked in and for the rest of high school, learning about drugs--from chemistry and neurobiology to drug culture and influence on society--on internet sites became my hobby. And like Tryptamine*Dreamer, I of course also researched lethal doses of drugs as a form of suicidal ideation. (I also researched drugs for mental illness, but that was more vetting my options for potential meds if I ever got the guts to seek treatment.)

I was too much a loner to know how to find drugs in high school, but Pandora's box had been opened and there was no reversing my curiosity, so as soon as I got to college I did ALL THE DRUGS! for the first few years, starting with innocuous psychedelics but ultimately finding my way to the hedonistic and dangerous drugs my young depressed self most craved: oxy, heroin, dillies, meth.

Long story short, I also started having manic episodes in college and was finally properly diagnosed and treated for bipolar and anxiety. And FWIW, since my depression has lifted and I have greater control over my emotions, I no longer feel the need to DO ALL THE DRUGS, and even the stupid heroin/ice addictions I've picked up along this dark path are really losing their luster. I got clean for 4 months then relapsed a month ago--but I'm remembering now how awesome sobriety is, not being chained to a substance to feel happy and having your whole life revolve around it, and I really want to clean up for good.
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sounds like u are headed in right direction best wishes
 
I got picked on in school, kids used to tease me of my handcapd brother, so i was already looking for that path out. They taught us about the drugs while i was in elementary school. Over the years i've let the drugs get the better of me, the dope would take away any negative feeling, And replace them with a high, (or a toe nail after digging around on the carpet.

So from there I would keep it moving,drug after drug after place to stay, ran out of option, ran out of $, and ran out of drugs.

I feel that my drug use has highly impacted my life,especially those that you would call 'dope'.
 
you picked up on a big theme there dez. I'll give you the short version since this isn't meant to be a life story; I've written hundreds of pages about it in an attempt to understand what happened to me. My whole journey was thrust on me due to shyness and depression. During my highschool years I smoked pot and did some mushrooms and LSD. During one of my mushroom trips I had the most intense feeling of derealization and depersonalization. This happened twice. I thought I was walking away from my life and into another dimension of hell. People could sense it in me and would keep their distance. That trip left me feeling like there was a part of me best hidden because it created fear in others. It took me a long time before I would trip again.
I wasn't a total outcast. I was in college and then graduate school, I had friends, I worked hard and tried to take care of myself but it wasn't enough. I knew I was on a path that was not sustainable. I began to grow blocked doing the most basic tasks. Meanwhile, my dad was on a spiritual path (an unlikey person to be on one) and he would share with me his experiences and I saw the transformation that was occurring in him. I wanted that. I spent years reading and doing practices and trying to free myself from this burden I was carrying. I knew if I didn't address it it would stop my life dead on its tracks. Well, despite my efforts and a few experiences along the way it happened. I started shutting down. Writing a one paragraph email would take me an hour or more. I would unintentionally sabotage the things I had spend all my time building up. People around me began to feel sluggish and would avoid my company if politely allowed to do so. Eventually, I sought out both a therapist and psychiatric help. They wanted to diagnose me with bipolar even though I disagreed. I was very honest with my therapists and the psychiatrist had me try many medications with some mild improvement, but what was broken in me wasn't getting fixed. This pattern went on and off for years until I decided that I had to take matters in my own hands. This was the heyday of RC's. I started tripping a lot and experimenting with some different chemicals. I had breakthrough after breakthrough easily now, but at what cost? My life was still stuck. In fact, it was still stuck and I began to lose interest in it. After years in grad school it came time to write my thesis and every part of my being fought me. I pushed and pushed but against what?
Long story short, I never finished my thesis. After that failure I was a mess. I spend a year on a piece of land with a house in solitude tripping daily in an attempt to heal myself. I began to connect with my shamanic knowledge and started learning things that were acquired in a different way: through direct experiential knowledge. Eventually, towards the end of that year I told my family somewhat naively that I wanted to be a Shaman. As funny as that sounds, it wasn't funny to my family. I kicked up a storm with that move and it unsettled me to the point where I abandoned my journey.
Years later my depression and shyness are shadows of what they were. I still smoke cigarettes and pot regularly but all my other addictions have gone away (though one can argue that an addiction is still an addiction just in a different form). These last few days I haven't smoked pot for the first time in years, and I have a lot invested in pot (literally, I'm involved with a pot startup company). The door I opened during that period of intense tripping is still open to me and spiritual experience comes more easily to me, but balance in all things life is still a journey I am on and the most important aspect of my life.
 
I am 99% sure I'm clinically depressed or bipolar? No one knows except my parents and MAYBE my PCP.

Don't care.
 
Anxiety definitely led me to Benzos. I regularly get bored and read about drugs and the brain either on here or other forums and I stumbled upon that class of drugs and what they do for anxiety. Benzos like Xanax and Klonopin are easy to find where I live as well so I tried them. I hardly ever use them for pure recreation. The danger with them is that they actually do work, and it's easy to get used to the feeling of relief they provide.

On the plus side, I've never experienced withdrawal or overwhelming negative side effects so that's good.
 
I have anxiety. I used to have bad depression but I'm (mostly) over that. I did get addicted to benzos for a very short term. Wasn't serious. Nothing else though :D
 
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