Spencer
Bluelight Crew
Ive played this game before. I think it's called "unrequited love". I've played it before, and lost…horribly. 3 years ago,almost exactly, I met you. Only it was not you, but it might as well have been. Ive fallen in love beforeonly to have nothing given to me in return. I know the way it feels to want someone so badly that it kills you to even think her name. 3 years, and it still hurts. It hurts because I never told her. Sure, I told her I loved her, but to her it was the love friends hold for each other. She didn't know I was prepared to die for her at the drop of a at. But I didn't tell her because I couldn't bring myself to face that rejection. I thought I couldn't live with myself if she said no. 3 years ago., and now Ive come ful circle.
I see her in you. Only this time you know how I feel. . It may not be that I'm I love with you yet, but I can see it coming. Its on the horizen. But why? What have you done for me? Sing me a song?hold me in your arms when no one else is around? Tell me you loved me? If you loved me, you wouldn't do the things you do to me. You tell me you love me, yet you say the same things to my best friend. How could I let that happen? How can I continue loving you when you have done something that is so forbidden.? When you have betrayed me like no other. Those arent the rules of the game, and ingnorance to the rules is not an excuse. Even now you know the rules, and continue to break them.
My independence has led me astray. The new found freedom of a man on his own in the world can often destroy them. Im now picking up those pieces of my shattered life. Fortunatly the damage is not so severe. And yet here you come, to throw another wrench in the gears. Fate is a creul mistress, and I wonder why she has choosen me to play with. I cant figure out why you are here. Everyone tells me you arent worth it. I almost lost one of my best friends because of you, yet I keep coming back for more. What have you done to me to make me forget the mistakes of my past, of which there may be few, but hey are signifigant. Have you been sent to me to open my heart again? To open myself to true feelings once more. And if so, then why are you being taken away from me, as fast as you came, only to leave me hurting once again. Have I become to good at not feeling? Have you been sent to show me that I can still be hurt? That I cant close myslef off to everyone? To spite me? Why? How will this make me better? How will hurting me open me up? How are you different from everyone else? 3 years ago I lost this game. Why am I being forced to play another round?
Or are you here to take me away? To open my eyes to the fact that I need to start over, start everything over? Somehow I doubt that. I have opened my soul to you. You cant just pick and choose the parts you want to take. I have given myself over to you completely, but you didn't want all of me. You are too selfish for that. You only want the parts that make you feel good. You don't want to embrace me for everything I am. That is not love, so don't tell me you love me. You don't love me, you love my attention. You love the cute puppy dog parts that make u feel good. I have accpeted anything you have given or told me. But you don't do the same for me. You don't care about the other things in my life. The ex-girlfriend I live with, my boredom with drugs, the forbidden affair I had before I met you, which is still haunting me. You don't care that I am losing everything I care for. You just care about my attention, because without that, you don't think I care. Right now I bet you are thinking "how could you say that?" how can I say that? How can I not? Actions speak louder than wordsmy dear. Its not the big things that tell you about someone. It's the little things. Im trying my best to sccpet the fact that you "love" my best friend, but what about all the other people who have clung to you in front of me..that you let cling to you? You ask me why I am distant…maybe its because you let everyone else get close to you, follow you, shower you with affection, while I sitting in the shadows trying to keep up appearances and not be upset. Maybe its because u tell me you love me, yet you love this guy or have a crush on that guy. But no, I have no reason to be distant. Totally unfounded. If you cared about me you would know that shit like that eats me up inside. It kills me.
I should have shut myself off to you as soon as you kissed him, one of my fucking best friends, while I was still in the fucking room. Fuck that, I should have left aftr that first night I met you. But I didn't, and I am paying the price now. I spent an entire weekend with you, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I rolled alone with you, something I have never done with anyone else. I opened my soul to you that night. And I got nothing in return.
But how can I blame you.your just some ucking girl who stumpled into my life. Im just a jaded kid. Maybe it wasn't time for me to open myself up again. Maybe im looking way to hard for a love that isnt there. Maybe im being melodramatic. That is something I am known for. Maybe I am giving you to much. Maybe im driving you away. For that, I am sorry. But I will not apologize for the way I feel, and I will not apologize for taking a chance that I have needed to take for a long time.
You will always have a place in my heart. Your friendship is dear to me. But it will be hard, knowing that I wanted you so badly, but not getting the same in return. I love you harmony, but goddamnit, I will not let you do this to me anymore.
------------------
"Never never never never never never let me me go" she says
"Hold me like ths for a hundred thousand million days"
but suddenly she slows
and looks down at my breaking face
"why do you cry? what did i say?"
"but its just rain" i smile
brushing my tears away...
-Spencer
I see her in you. Only this time you know how I feel. . It may not be that I'm I love with you yet, but I can see it coming. Its on the horizen. But why? What have you done for me? Sing me a song?hold me in your arms when no one else is around? Tell me you loved me? If you loved me, you wouldn't do the things you do to me. You tell me you love me, yet you say the same things to my best friend. How could I let that happen? How can I continue loving you when you have done something that is so forbidden.? When you have betrayed me like no other. Those arent the rules of the game, and ingnorance to the rules is not an excuse. Even now you know the rules, and continue to break them.
My independence has led me astray. The new found freedom of a man on his own in the world can often destroy them. Im now picking up those pieces of my shattered life. Fortunatly the damage is not so severe. And yet here you come, to throw another wrench in the gears. Fate is a creul mistress, and I wonder why she has choosen me to play with. I cant figure out why you are here. Everyone tells me you arent worth it. I almost lost one of my best friends because of you, yet I keep coming back for more. What have you done to me to make me forget the mistakes of my past, of which there may be few, but hey are signifigant. Have you been sent to me to open my heart again? To open myself to true feelings once more. And if so, then why are you being taken away from me, as fast as you came, only to leave me hurting once again. Have I become to good at not feeling? Have you been sent to show me that I can still be hurt? That I cant close myslef off to everyone? To spite me? Why? How will this make me better? How will hurting me open me up? How are you different from everyone else? 3 years ago I lost this game. Why am I being forced to play another round?
Or are you here to take me away? To open my eyes to the fact that I need to start over, start everything over? Somehow I doubt that. I have opened my soul to you. You cant just pick and choose the parts you want to take. I have given myself over to you completely, but you didn't want all of me. You are too selfish for that. You only want the parts that make you feel good. You don't want to embrace me for everything I am. That is not love, so don't tell me you love me. You don't love me, you love my attention. You love the cute puppy dog parts that make u feel good. I have accpeted anything you have given or told me. But you don't do the same for me. You don't care about the other things in my life. The ex-girlfriend I live with, my boredom with drugs, the forbidden affair I had before I met you, which is still haunting me. You don't care that I am losing everything I care for. You just care about my attention, because without that, you don't think I care. Right now I bet you are thinking "how could you say that?" how can I say that? How can I not? Actions speak louder than wordsmy dear. Its not the big things that tell you about someone. It's the little things. Im trying my best to sccpet the fact that you "love" my best friend, but what about all the other people who have clung to you in front of me..that you let cling to you? You ask me why I am distant…maybe its because you let everyone else get close to you, follow you, shower you with affection, while I sitting in the shadows trying to keep up appearances and not be upset. Maybe its because u tell me you love me, yet you love this guy or have a crush on that guy. But no, I have no reason to be distant. Totally unfounded. If you cared about me you would know that shit like that eats me up inside. It kills me.
I should have shut myself off to you as soon as you kissed him, one of my fucking best friends, while I was still in the fucking room. Fuck that, I should have left aftr that first night I met you. But I didn't, and I am paying the price now. I spent an entire weekend with you, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I rolled alone with you, something I have never done with anyone else. I opened my soul to you that night. And I got nothing in return.
But how can I blame you.your just some ucking girl who stumpled into my life. Im just a jaded kid. Maybe it wasn't time for me to open myself up again. Maybe im looking way to hard for a love that isnt there. Maybe im being melodramatic. That is something I am known for. Maybe I am giving you to much. Maybe im driving you away. For that, I am sorry. But I will not apologize for the way I feel, and I will not apologize for taking a chance that I have needed to take for a long time.
You will always have a place in my heart. Your friendship is dear to me. But it will be hard, knowing that I wanted you so badly, but not getting the same in return. I love you harmony, but goddamnit, I will not let you do this to me anymore.
------------------
"Never never never never never never let me me go" she says
"Hold me like ths for a hundred thousand million days"
but suddenly she slows
and looks down at my breaking face
"why do you cry? what did i say?"
"but its just rain" i smile
brushing my tears away...
-Spencer
