Mental Health Unpredictable Self

[Kosm]

Hello bluelight, I hope you are all safe and happy. I'm writing today because I'm worried. It's not you're usual worry though, since its not bills or school or what-have-you that I am worried about. Rather it is myself, or more accuratly my future self and the stupid things they might do.

You see my benevolent bluelight, I am not always what I would call "sane". Most of my life I've spend in a stupor of depression and self hatred. If I had to compare it to a substance experience I would say that most of my life was spend coming down from cocaine, except that this is no euphemism and there was no actual cocaine. There were moments, however infrequent, where all of that was pushed aside and for some inexplicable reason I experienced a completely natural euphoric state that I can only describe as true happiness. This mental state was a combination of security, wonder and generally good feels that I have attempted to simulate (with little success) with less conventional means ever since I became an adult. The only way I can describe it is as if everything in my brain was exactly where it needed to be and my thoughts were unmitigated, leaving me with unhindered access to my imagination and thoughts.

Why do I ramble on about such things? Well you see my inquisitive friends, this erratic state of mind is not limited to my perception of myself. One day I will love every facet of a person close to me and disregard any short coming as human nature. I see in them only the positive and I appreciate them for just being who they are. Yet inevitably one day I will wake up and through literally no provocation on their part, I will see only their flaws. It is as if I spend my life looking at one side if a spinning coin, with one side engraved with curses and the other emblazoned with blessings; yet I am unable to control which side I see.

This is particularly concerning when my significant other is in the picture. Truly she is the love of my life. She is patient with me, concerned about me, beautiful in both body and soul. I love her and I know I love her, yet like a person consumed by madness and watching their life through a telescope, I sometimes find myself irrationaly displeased with her. I fear one day this madness will get the best of me and in a moment of profound stupidity I will lose the person who is most precious to me in the whole world.

In my past I have been betrayed by people close to me many times in such a way that it is easy for me to 'ditch them before they ditch me'. Every best friend I've ever had has reavealed themselves as uncaring and selfish. After years of abuse I finally found out my dad was a sociopath and in leaving him I was forced to leave my mother who worshiped him like a god. That is to say nothing of the countless acquaintances who wete really two faced lying scum. Thus it is easy for me to expect betrayal and it does not take much for me to assume that the 'love' others have for me is just a convineint phrase to secure my loyalty for their own purposes.

I'm worried that I will allow my paranoia and manic moid swings to destroy my life .

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Happiness can come at the strangest times. Maybe if you can zero in to what you were doing while feeling this, you can work towards making it a more routine thing. Was it when you were exercising, helping other people, meditating, or perhaps eating a comfort food?

I don't perceive it as rambling at all. You're simply trying to feel good. No one can begrudge you that.

Sounds like you might want more control over how you feel.

When you start talking in absolute terms may be a time to check yourself against reality. No one is perfect. Generally, people have their flaws, and they also have benevolent aspects. It may be prudent to, even when you only see the good in people, center yourself with this reality.

I don't doubt you, but I am curious as to what makes your dad a sociopath. I also think that we all act like sociopaths at some point or another. No one sees all reality all the time.

It might be a good idea to tell your significant other part or all of what you tell us. That way, if something bad does indeed happen and you offend her, she would have an explanation. I think we all fear losing what's good in our lives.

I can't imagine the amount of pain that repeated betrayal could inflict. All I can say is that there are genuine people out there, people that wouldn't take your friendship for granted.

In some sense, we do form relationships in order to use people. I know I've been used by friends many times in my life. But it comes back to no one being perfect. And I'm definitely guilty of using people selfishly for my own happiness before.

It's a good sign that you're asking for help! Many people would consider themselves above it.

Have you thought about getting a therapist or life coach? They would be able to understand you better than I ever could. Medication is also sometimes an option, but working out problems with as little medication as possible is generally recommended.

Some people say that fish oil can help in a general sense with mental health. A couple cups of coffee to get motivated may also help. A good book is a great way to get outside of one's head, which may be helpful to you. I also find myself happy doing good things for others. For instance, maybe taking a family member out to eat.

Be Well.

 

[Jabberwocky]

This happens. I experienced it myself. After a long period of wretched self-hatred and depression, I snapped out of it. My awareness was heightened, I was socially gifted (which I rarely considered myself), I was calm and insightful, my thoughts were organized. It was myself but better. I can only call it a gift. There was also a feeling of needing to make up for lost time; to reorganize my life to support that state. Then like you said, the depression returned. Gradually. It painted my world in shades of ugly. Bipolar disorder didn't fit my symptoms, though my psychiatrists really wanted it to fit. I submitted twice to a course of treatment and treatment made me worse.

As the poster above me asked, are you able to remember the circumstances leading up to it? Was there an unusual experience that precipitated it when things changed?

 

[Kosm]

I mostly recall feeling happy when I was in new lush places, for instance when I traveled with a family member to NC and saw how beautiful all the thriving forests and green undergrowth was. I also recall it when I was reading a great book that I could get so absorbed in I would forget reality for a time. Unfortunately the former is financialy impossible for me and the later doesn't seem to be something I can obtain anymore due to an emergent awarness of my reality and circumstances, coupled with a sever attention deficite that I believe was spawned by my depression itself. I know I love adventure but there is a pervasive sense of blandness from living in a world with no where new to explore as well as a phenomenol sense of dread at the prospect of ending up cold, homeless and hungry with no where to return to should I leave the current nich that is my life.

I say my dad is a sociopath because he exhibits the telltale signs of such. He is narcissistic in that he makes sure everyone in the public eye views him as important and amazing for shallow reasons like contributing money. He would also regularly torment me until I would reach a point where I would litteraly break down in tears in front of him (his response to which was to smile). He would regularly lie about things as undisputable as his own actions, causing his family to feel like we were insane, while simultaneously making himself look like the "rock foundation" of our family to outsiders. He has litteraly NO friends whatsoever and spent his free time ignoring his family and watching/reading scifi. He was generaly a terrible father who failed to impart any skills or life lessons and made it clear through his constant neglect, lies, manipulation and abuse that I was little more than a human pet, there for his amusement, and not a human being, let alone his child.

I know, logically, that not all people are lying manipulative bastards, but the inability to allow them the opportunity to plant a knife firmly between my shoulder blades has become second nature. Coupled with my upbringing I find socializing difficult. Between my insecurities, my naturaly introverted nature and the fast paced city mentality I live in, it is very difficult to accimulate new friends.

Ill try the fish oil as well as extra exercise to see if that heelps. Unfortunately I don't have the funds to see a life coach/shrink.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Kosm, you're making great strides by sharing this. Thanks for being here and sharing your story, there are many that can relate to this here. You are more articulate than most is describing your state and this ability will serve you well in overcoming it. A change in environment can really help alleviate a stuck pattern. Unfortunately it won't transform it permanently though it can support your growth. "Wherever we go, there we are." Filling your mind with absorbing material can distract you from thoughts that keep you preoccupied and engaged in negative thinking. You put down a book and there are your thoughts again. So while I think all these things are great, they are also transient.

Check this out, it's called the logical levels of change by Robert Dilts. It's a short read: https://ansusconsultingblog.wordpress.com/2012/11/09/nlp-the-logical-levels-of-change/. You might see a pattern here in your own life. If you don't like it, don't worry about it. I can offer you a different one if you like, but don't know you well enough to make a tailored suggestion. In addition to taking care of your body — which is great advice — I also think you need a mental structure to direct your awareness as you explore yourself. This helps us focus and direct what can otherwise turn into a jumble of thoughts. Once you find that conceptual framework, then I suggest you apply that structure for as long as it is useful to you to explore what is happening in your life. It goes faster that way.

Take care