uglier

[BananasAndOranges]

i cant stop crying. I dont know why i'm letting this get to me. my body hearts from crying. I'm sick of sleeping. I hate methadone. Im on a high dose and considering an easy way out. everyone thinks this is a joke. I dont know where to go. I really do want help but I cant even find a doctor. my doctor told me to fuck off after i asked him for dexedrine instead of adderall due to the paranioa and anxiety i get and getting switched to a different benzo. I hate this. so fucking much. i dont know why this has to be me. i thought i was nice to everyone i met i guess not. maybe im just a shitty ugly worthless piece of garbage like ive been hearing from my brother for years. well i dunno if this is my last post or not.

 

[n3ophy7e]

B&O I know you're having a rough time man but this will pass and you will feel better. I'm sorry your own brother has said those horrible things to you, but it's not true. I'm not sure why he's said things like that to you, but it's probably because of his own insecurities, not anything actually wrong with you. You are NOT a piece of garbage, you are a wonderful unique person who deserves all the good things in life just as much as anyone else

You need to find another doctor who will help you. There are lots of doctors out there so please try another one and hopefully they will help you more than the last one did.

You have a lot of support right here in TDS, please don't do anything to harm yourself. I know it's hard but you WILL get through this

 

[theotherside]

Man I'm just an internet guy you will never meet, but trust me when I tell you that you have a beautiful light inside of you that is waiting to get out. When the hell of opiates leave your body, you will shine my friend. Hang in there with the promise of a better tom. for your self. Love man, peace and love>....

 

[volp]

Don't allow the actions of others to affect you so negatively. Fuck your doctor. Not all doctors are helpful or as caring as they should be.

Not all people are. In fact there are a lot of assholes out there. Fuck them, Fuck 'em all.

You seem like a nice guy. Hang in there, life gets better. We all go through rough patches, tough it out the best you can.

Random people on the internet are there for you and are thinking about you.

 

[weltschmertz]

Heyy tutti frutty guy, we are in the similar positions,exept its my mother that trets me like shit(she is not my real,and i found that 5months ago),i dont understand why people say this stupid things to us when we are in so fucked up positions. Its like beating man with no hands.
BananaMan ...hang out man.Like swims said :fuck em. You will stand up one day.

Aside this
i got another tought on my mind...
i want to pay back to the person that treated me like shit all my life.
I have this great desire to harm her.I just cant wait to get time when i will be the one who fucks.The bitch will go old and i will give her purest form of hell ,till her last day.

Guys i know,that its awful to have this toughts on my mind, that pay-back is not a solution and if i do something to this bitch i will become same like her...
If anybody is in the similar position i will be very thankful to hear your words on this.

sorry if i escaped from a theme,but i have to wrote this.

 

[Draigan]

Dude its not you. Its a fucking parasite that has control of you. Its fucking with your head. SNAP OUT OF IT!!

I have one that tells me how worthless and blah blah I am all the time. Its like a little devil inside of me. The important part is that you identify it by becoming aware of it! If you don't, it gets free reign and completely fucking ruins everything.

Hope this helps man. Saved me... I happened to have a pretty bad case of the destructive tendency thing..

 

[Legerity]

Please don't do anything that to hurt yourself. I've gone through periods of really hating myself, and working through them really gives you a lot of strength that otherwise you might not have had. It's worth sticking this through...pain is temporary, and you have the rest of your life to make changes and find what it is that satisfies you.

Can you find a different doctor? Most that I've seen are assholes, but there are some that actually do care.

 

[oliphill]

So you're taking Amphetamines, Benzos and Opiates daily and you wonder why you're feeling shit. Come on man.

I know it's normal in the US for stuff like this, but that is just totally mental man, that would never get prescribed over here. Benzos should only be used temporarily, like when required. I mean, I literally want to kill myself after just 1 week of them. I can't imagine what you must be going through taking them every single day as well as amphetimines. Like all your symptoms you're describing are exactly what I feel from taking benzos for a while. Seriously, I really think it's that, blatently making your anxiety/paranoia worse in the long run. Trust me on this one.

I seriously think you should could consider not taking such a concoction mate!

I actually think you should carry on with the methadone for now though. Without the other shit in your system it works as a great anti depressesnt. Really makes you not care too much about anything. Give it a while, then taper down off it if you need to.

I hope it all works out from you. I've seen your posts for a while now and they are getting more and more worrying. Seriously man, you are worth it. I don't want you to go and do something stupid. Hope it all works out ok, and know that there are people out there that care for you.

 

[BananasAndOranges]

So you're taking Amphetamines, Benzos and Opiates daily and you wonder why you're feeling shit. Come on man.

I know it's normal in the US for stuff like this, but that is just totally mental man, that would never get prescribed over here. Benzos should only be used temporarily, like when required. I mean, I literally want to kill myself after just 1 week of them. I can't imagine what you must be going through taking them every single day as well as amphetimines. Like all your symptoms you're describing are exactly what I feel from taking benzos for a while. Seriously, I really think it's that, blatently making your anxiety/paranoia worse in the long run. Trust me on this one.

I seriously think you should could consider not taking such a concoction mate!

I actually think you should carry on with the methadone for now though. Without the other shit in your system it works as a great anti depressesnt. Really makes you not care too much about anything. Give it a while, then taper down off it if you need to.

I hope it all works out from you. I've seen your posts for a while now and they are getting more and more worrying. Seriously man, you are worth it. I don't want you to go and do something stupid. Hope it all works out ok, and know that there are people out there that care for you.

I take amphetamines for the opiate rage I get on methadone. I also cannot stand being tired all day. I've been on benzos xanax mainly since I was 17ish was when I got my script. I dunno I'm fine just a real lame neighrborhood and lack of weed which I also use everyday I have money to. If I don't take benzos I will sketch out act like a dick and hallucinate. Its happened everytime I've gone to long without its the worse feeling ever but tbh id rather deal with benzo wd than opiate wd. This all sucks. Later

edit....I should probably be at a higher dose of methadone tbh I cant tell. At the 85mgs I'm at I feel fine but not till an hour till slight relief till the 2 hour mark. I feel without my current meds I could be at 150mgs. I don't know how to explain it I'll talk to the clinic tomorrow about some cleaner pills maybe they can prescribe my medicine for me. I dont feel right most days. I hate benzos. The drama doesnt start till after I take them. If I dont take them thougth weird shit happens. I dunno if its really less worse than opiate wd but they both suck. Ugh. OK. Done rambling

 

[Sublimit]

Aside this
i got another tought on my mind...
i want to pay back to the person that treated me like shit all my life.
I have this great desire to harm her.I just cant wait to get time when i will be the one who fucks.The bitch will go old and i will give her purest form of hell ,till her last day.

Guys i know,that its awful to have this toughts on my mind, that pay-back is not a solution and if i do something to this bitch i will become same like her...
If anybody is in the similar position i will be very thankful to hear your words on this.

sorry if i escaped from a theme,but i have to wrote this.

the best revenge is living well.... fuck her. it's good to get things off your chest and don't be sorry, this is the place to do this and i'm sure the OP don't mind

As for the OP... i agree with oliphill..... you say you have money.... see a bloody good psychiatrist and be as honest as you are here. it might take a while for you to be put of an adequate regime that really benefits you, but it's going to be a hell of a lot better than talking to some GP who doesn't give a fuck about you. you say you hate benzo's, but you need to take them to subdue those dickhead hallucinating actions.... there are alternatives i'm sure... i don't know the answer, but someone WILL. see a psychiatrist, and if it doesn't work out, or you're not happy with the result, then see another one.

sounds like you have a great and supportive brother8) i don't know what you're living situation is like, but you need to distance yourself from this guy, mentally and physically, just being in a new environment will work wonders, whether you can afford to move out i don't know, but even if it's just into another room in the same house, and if thats not possible, rearrange your room, change the position of your bed... i know it might sound silly, but since i moved from my bungalow back into the house, it just seems like a new fresh environment, yeah it still has 4 walls, but it's different, and it's helping with my recovery.... even if it's helping very slightly... i can use all of the help i can get, and so can you.

"if at first you don't succeed, try try again"

EDIT: opiates are my amphetamine, but i guess everyone is different, perhaps you might consider lowering your methadone dose as opposed to increasing it.... just a thought