true happiness

S

star

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 1999
Messages
31
Location
Helsingborg, Sweden
About a month ago I posted about my bf who didn't want to roll with me. Well it's worse now. He keeps letting me down, making promises and not keeping them, hurting me over and over again. Whenever we talk about it he says my problem will disappear if we don't see eachother anymore. It seems like he's looking for the easy way out. But I want to be with him. If we ever break up it wont because of me or my drug(ab)use. Sometimes his excuse is that he doesn't want a gf who does drugs. So about a month ago I agreed to give up everything but E. But now he's at me again.
He stood me up this friday and I went to a rave saturday and being sad and all, I ended up taking speed for the first time since everbody else in my crowd did it. There is no excuse, I know I promised him, but any other girl who go out and be unfaithful after what he did.
As it turned out he wasn't even going to call me, since he knew I would be upset about him now showing up. So I called him like 5 times and finally got a hold of him on ICQ monday. He says he still wants to be with me, but I have to give up all the drugs and no more ICQ either, since he's very jealous. I agreed to this, it's no problem if he's serious about us. Then yesterday I called him. He was really surprised, I got the idea that he wouldn't have called me. He still claims he wants me, but he sure doesn't act like it. I asked if we could meet and talk and he said he wanted to, but in the end of the phonecall I said that he could call me the next time, and I don't think he will.
As I hung up the phone I couldn't keep myself from crying anymore. I felt so small, weak and humiliated. Why do I do this to myself? I'm usually very strong and ambitios, but things like this just tears my world apart. Why do I let my happiness depend on such a jerk? I don't need him or anybody else. I ended up trying to commit suicide cutting myself, not deep enough though (I'm still here). This may not seem logical to all of you, since he's the bad person, but I can't live in this world where everybody will let me down again and again.
I hate myself for letting this get to me. Today I can see things differently. But it's only a matter of time before it all repeats itself once again. And until then I will have the best time of my life. There is no true happiness, just chemistry. It's just an illusion........
-star
 
star,
I hope you are doing ok. is there someone you can talk w/ about what is going on w/ you? this sounds like a rather serious situation, and I hope that you have someone you can turn to right now to get you through it.
no person is worth taking your own life over. no one. I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain, and I hope that you get the support and help you need in dealing w/ this situation. this guy isn't worth it. you are a special human being, deserving of love, understanding, compassion, and all the good that life has to offer. good luck.
much PLUR to you,
vertigo
 
Hey Star!
Trust me you're better off without him. Look how much unhappiness he has caused you -- to the point that you want to end your life!?!?!
Don't do that. Vertigo is right -- NO ONE is worth killing yourself over.
Of course there will be pain and hurt over the loss of a bf, but be strong, talk, hang out with close friends and you'll get through it. There are a ton of nice, decent, single guys out there (some who roll too
smile.gif
). You'll find one. You deserve better.
MikE
------------------
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities." -- Ayn Rand
 
Oh sweetie. You sound so sad. It just breaks my heart to hear that. You deserve so much more from life. You sound like a smart and caring person. You are definitely much better off without him. He doesn't deserve someone like you. You need to talk to someone. Nobody is worth taking your life over. Things like this is what makes you a stronger person. Everyday gets better and you become a stronger and more confidant person. Trust me. I had some pretty shitty guys in my life. But if I didn't, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I got rid of them. It wasn't easy but it was much better then keeping them around. Keep your head up. You know that the people here will always be here for you. Be strong and take care of yourself sweetie. You deserve better.
Rae
smile.gif
 
Hey star. This thing about you saying you tried to kill yourself is really scary to even hear, I can't imagine how you must of felt. Nobody is worth you giving up your life for, especially an asshole like him. If he can't try and see where your coming from and unserstand the things you do, he is definately not worth it. Love hurts sometimes, but eventually you will find someone who will appreciate the person you are and not try to change you into something your not. Keep your head up and remember we are always here for you.
{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}
PLUR
 
((((((((((((Star))))))))))))
Remember that there are people there for you.
I don't know you or your situation, but it sounds like you got fucked over. This guys an asshole, and if he put you through this sort of bulshit then fuck him, in a big fucking way.
The best thing to do now is not to be alone for awhile. Stick around your friends and family. Make sure they know whats going on so that they can help you keep it together. Talk this shit out. I know people attach this big stigma to it but see a therapist, it really would help. Partially because you would have someone to talk to that you don't need to keep up afront for. And keep us posted to so that we know your still there.
And don't hate yourself for being human enough to love. We've all let someone walk all over us, it happens. Don't let them leave your ass on the ground though. Get up, dust yourself off and tell them which hole they can shove their heads up.
(((((((((star)))))))))
Please don't let someone beat you like that, fuck him he didn't love you the way you loved him so fuck him. Don't even talk tothe fucker anymore. If he calls or ICQ's or pages just ignore it. Be strong.
If you need to talk we'll always be here.
 
(((((((((((((((((Star)))))))))))))))))))
Remember there are people out there who love you.
That said fuck him. He sounds like a fucking asshole. Everyone let's their heart get the best of them sometimes. Don't feel weak or anything. You're just human. The only people who don't get hurt by love are the total assholes who don't love anyone.
You got to pick yourself up. Don't be alone for awhile. Keep around people. Tell your friends whats going on. Talk to them, let them know whats going onm, they'll be there for you.
I know there is a stigma attached to it, but you might want to see a therapist or counseler. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone that you don't know, but can still trust, that way you don't need to put up a front.
Please remember that it wasn't your fault. Things go wrong in relationships, don't let this experience kill of your spark. Fuck assholes who do shit like that. fuck them and the horses they rode in on.
((((((((((((((Star)))))))))))))
Keep us posted on whats going on.
 
Hi sweetie,
I'm new to the board but I read your letter and it reminded me so much of a situation I was in with a guy for three years. Except not only was I not allowed (yes, allowed) to do drugs but I couldn't drink or smoke or hang out with my friends that did any of those things. I thought that I loved him so much, more than I loved any of those other things that there was no harm in giving them up for him. But what I ended up doing was giving up my right to make my own decisions and use my own judgement. He broke me compleately, and even though it have been 2 1/2 years since I was with him allowing myself to be so weak in that experience still has a profound effect on me and my relationship today.
sweetie, I wanted to die for him too, I came so close too by starving myself.
but I am so much stronger now, and I have learned better how to know when someone is good for me or not, no matter how blinded by love I am.
please take care, email me if you want to talk, I'm in Toronto,
remember,
from sweetness come strength
Jennika
 
Ok this is from a guys perspective, one who is notorious for theese games. I can't help it thoguh. Anywho, he is just playing mind games with you. You won't listen to him, so he is dragging you through the mud. Yet, he has you hooked and you don't really care what people have to tell you. I have had so many people say don't talk to him, yet the girls still do, and for the most part they get hurt. I suppose you all are sexually active? If so then you really need to take a step back and reflect upon the relationship. He may be holding around for the sex, he may also be waiting till somehting else definite comes along.
Hope non of this angers you, just advice from which I can relate to.
 
I already know all that, but I can't stop myself from thinking those bad thoughts. I'm actually a much better person when I'm not with him. I don't need him. I know all that. But still it hurts me that he can't even say it to me. I just want him to be honest with me. I hate myself for letting my happiness depend on others.
Actually I was still sitting here yesterday thinking he would call. Of course he didn't. So now I'm free to do whatever I want again. I will add all my friends back on my ICQ list and spend hours talking to them every day. I will do any drug I feel like, cuz it's my body and mind. I will talk to whoever I feel like in spite of what the person is wearing/doing. I will wear the clothes that I like. And most important is, I will never change my life because of someone else, ever again. If someone wants to be with me, I come as a package, you can't just choose parts of me, and ignore or change the rest. I can never be happy if I change myself for someone.
So I guess I'm stronger today..... You all keep talking about that I shouldn't be alone. You don't get the whole picture. Dying or not is my choice. Whatever I choose I am happy with it. From your point of view it seem like you only see it as something negative. You just don't know what it's like until you've been there. It's like trying to explain lsd to someone.
I will now start enjoying my new life by adding all my friends back on the ICQlist, and then I will get sooooo high and just hang out with my friends. Buy all the E and acid I can find. And just have fun. (remember .... my body, my mind)
I love you all
-star
 
Dear Star,
Hon, let me tell you two things that I have learned the hard way.
First: If your lover asks you to compromise or even worse, totally erradicate, any part of your lifestyle for their sake...then they're not your lover. You should not have to give up ANYTHING about your life for him and likewise he should never have to give up anything of himself for you.
Second: His problems are his. Don't take them onto yourself. Ok? You seem very cool and your posts are always from an intelligent viewpoint. You know what's best for you. Listen to your heart. There are plenty of other men out there who will love and respect you for yourself and what your lifestyle is. Remember...never compromise...that means one of the two partners has to live an un-fullfilled life. You deserve much more than that sweetie.
Love and Hugs,
Jim / Boppity
 
Hey sweets: you sound like you are going to deal with this just fine, but I have been where your at and what I did to myself was not good. Now that your "free" don't go and do massive amounts of drugs just because you know it'll get his attention. You'll only end up more fucked up..remember post E depression is really shitty. Be sure you surround yourself with good friends and don't even talk about him. If he's the man you want him to be he'll realize what the deal is and come back to you no matter what you do or wear or who you talk to. Love is blind to these things.
I wish you the best, keep us informed cause we do care!
PLUR
 
Hey sweets: you sound like you are going to deal with this just fine, but I have been where your at and what I did to myself was not good. Now that your "free" don't go and do massive amounts of drugs just because you know it'll get his attention. You'll only end up more fucked up..remember post E depression is really shitty. Be sure you surround yourself with good friends and don't even talk about him. If he's the man you want him to be he'll realize what the deal is and come back to you no matter what you do or wear or who you talk to. Love is blind to these things.
I wish you the best, keep us informed cause we do care!
PLUR
 
Star
It's good to see you got your Mojo going. When I said you shouldn't be alone though, all I meant was that breakups suck and that It's a lot easier to have friends around. They just make you feel better is all.
I didn't maen some sort of bullshit suicide watch thing. You seem like an intellegent person, and I'm sure if you really meant to do it you would have cut deeper and all. It's fucking spooky and all but that wasn't what I was worried about.
But it sounds like you got your shit back up and running in record time. Reclaim your lifew and all that.
(((((((((((Star))))))))))))
Big e hug in case you need it. Or even if you don't.
adios.
 
Maybe we should all move to the moutains and become hermits...it seems so much easier......
I can chop wood w/ the best of 'em.....it's a great stress relief too....
Humm....something to think about....
seriously though...life is such a weird thing...I can't say that I "understand", but I think I can say I know how you feel...hang in there as much as possible...that's all any of us can do...
I wrote this "thing" awhile ago..I can't write nor will I have say that I can...I think this "writing" really expressed the way I felt @ that particular moment in time...you maybe able to relate:
"why is it so hard?
I try, I really do
I'm fed up w/ getting the short end of the fucking stick
you don't take me serious
you're the only thing I take serious
nothing make sense...
you've always seemed to.
you're my soul one
I'm you're pestering thorn in the ass
...anyway, when you're done w/ me
at least disppose of me neatly."
------------------
Until you are me, me will never be you.
 
Hey...i was really worried when you sent the mass-ICQ saying that you were removing peeps because of your bf... I'm glad to hear you're doing better!
You ahve to be so careful when you're in a relationship to balance keeping your partner happy and keeping your own identity...it's a really bad sign when massive jealousy rears its ugly head, especially when it's directed against people from anohter continent.... I've never quite gotten where those kinds of emotions come from....
BIG HUGZ to you! Weclome back! And if you need anything let me know....
 
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