Tribute thread for Negative

[Raz]

I meant to do this sooner, but this is the first chance I've had to sit down since NYE and get some stuff written down.

Negative was an active contributor to bluelight for the past few years, and someone who was respected and loved by a lot of people here. Sadly, he passed away just before Christmas...there's a link to his memorial thread in the Bluelight Shrine here.

I never knew him myself beyond his posts here, but one thing that is clear is that he was a very talented writer and that a lot of people miss him. I thought it would be fitting to have a thread here to remember his huge contribution to Words over the years. People put a lot of themselves into this forum, into this community, and it's important that we remember that.

If you have a favourite piece of Negative's that you would like to share or if you just want to contribute anything at all, please do so.

 

[mariacallas]

I have been bumping his poems in words......I am consolidating them, along with some of his lyrics that he posted in journal and given to me , and sending them to Forgotten for the tribute. Do you want me to post them here as well Raz, so it will be easy for people to read instead of going thru his threads?

 

[(Wordy)]

As I've said elsewhere, may he rest in peace... It's so tragic to see a creative soul pass away, especially when they're loved and admired by so many people.

CC, if you ask me you should post the consolidated poems and lyrics here too. Maybe the poems in Words should be given as links in this thread, so that people can still comment on the individual poems in their respective threads, as well as being able to read other people's comments? But whatever you feel is appropriate, I'm happy for you to do it.

 

[mariacallas]

Older stuff he wrote circa 2003-2004

New Verse

comin from way out the universe
been playin a different game than you since birth
you never knew that I was different . . . thought I was normal
every weird thing I did you thought that it was hormonal
but I grew to be a quite different person than you envisioned
puttin my feelings out front and cookin dinner in the kitchen
I never asked you to understand but just to accept
but when I told you who I was all that you did was wept
you couldn't accept
the reality of the man
standing in front of you, stong, proud, doing all that he can
man it hurts so much that you just can't be with me
but the look in your face tells me your heart just wants to diss me
in your soul, deep down, you know that you're wrong
but oh well . . fuck it, I guess its just the same song
playing on the same juke box in this broke down bar
if I'm gonna be so honest I wont get very far
so play that on your LP or on your CD
even if I tell you who I am you'll still never see me
cause I'm the realness
if you was on the level than you'd feel this
but you ain't so don't expect me to faint since you can't heal this
my innner being ain't a disease
I'm not trying to please
so step back if you ain't down with my steez
brotha please
if only you could comprehend
that this is who I am it isn't a problem that you can mend
bending backward to try to make you understand . . .
but oh well, I guess I'm just a different kind of man . . .
I stand with my head held high, I'm proud
you don't even know me guy, I'm so loud
I'm real about who I am
if only you could be as much of a real man
so what if I'm down for jay or jane
at least I'm being who I am this isn't a game

Political love musings

Where is my political queen?
Where is my beautiful chica sportin buttons supportin Dean?
Where is my lady 51 feet from the polling station
handin out pamphlets explaining the Iraq situation?
Where is my lady at the protest rallies?
Who is the woman reading Chomsky at the local Bally's?
Would someone please tell me who is that over there
with the league of pissed off voters book and immacculate hair?
Where are all of the women who are pro-choice?
Where are the women who know that they still have a voice?
Who is that woman at the intersection
passin out bumper stickers and buttons cause she's up for election?
Who is that lady straight bangin on Hannity?
Who is that woman whose liberal leanings are her only vanity?
Where is the one to be my political equal
so we can make a better world in which to spawn a sequel?
I'm lovin on the ladies sportin Che Guevara.
Talkin Dr. Hunter S. Thompson not Revlon mascara.
I want a woman that thinks Carville is pimpin
her main priority's to see the GOP limpin.
First date she takes me to Fahrenheit 911.
Next week, I take her to Out'Fox'ed and she's in heaven.
On her nightstand The Best Democracy Money Can Buy
and she would so leave me for Bill but not any other guy.
Why does she only exist in my dreams?
Why are the ones like this always fightin for the wrong team?
I mean, come on, I know your out there waiting for me
maybe we'll meet at the next convention or maybe DC.
Anyways, I'm out, just wanted to sing the praises
of that one lady, that one lady with many faces.
And even though I still haven't met you yet
I can bet that when I see you you'll be standing on my left.

current events

I'm talkin to my notepad, mad at the country
Violatin the Patriot Act, Ashcroft is huntin me
Watchin Crossfire and my boy Paul Begala
Tucker's a motherfucker, all my liberals holla
Fuck President Shrub, the country's stayin the wrong course
If others don't give us the rub he's comin in usin mad force
Like a norse, pillagin, sendin my friends to war
evil to the core, nothin but "more more more!"
Borin a hole in the Middle East
more like a huge rift, the W's the mark of the beast
feastin on peace, it seems he thrives on fury
burying more and more people, death in a hurry
currying favor to no one but the oil industry
and caring not when tankers wreck, dumpin crude into the sea
Gotta get this man out of office in November
becasue it seems the middle class tax cut was mailed return to sender

Chorus

The one in power says we aint finished yet
but does finishing the job mean piling on more regret?
I don't mean to offend, but I just gotta vent
cause my depression is growin with all these current events



Blastin my people for all that they're worth
his policy is crazy, he's taxin the poor first
Its like we're paying for the dope that he cooks in his silver spoon
he's set the official date for Vietnam 2, the end of June
tune in to CNN, the revolution is televised
It seems the Shia and Sunni both know who they dispise
Risin to the occasion and capturin towns
All I see are charred American corpses dragged around
Foundin a Palestinian movement equals death
Isreali copters firin missiles, Yassin take your last breath
I guess the only constant is violence
In a land where occupation is the same thing as silence
It seems that peace just isn't an option
the opposite, weapons, convictions, everybody's got some
Its like no one in the region has any common sense
so lets just light the fuse, let the explosion commence

random lyrics

"55--over the top
I got this feeling like I wanna quit but can't stop
Droppin weight on the mic like Atkins
Droppin knowledge like I even know what's happenin
About as fresh as moldy bread
I make ya ill, all up in ya grill, like Showbiz, I'm a hold my head
Cause I gotta survive, but more than stay alive
gettin out of the gutter is the reason I strive
Hate my job as much as my life
Hate people, glad that I don't have a wife
Whish I knew the reasons of my apathy
Whish I wasn't in ever ending agony
Wish the bills would stop, wish the money would flow
Wish if I left that I'd have somewhere to go
Maybe I should pray to what I don't believe
Maybe I should pull the trigger see if anyone'd grieve
maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't
Wish that I could but I know that I couldn't
Maybe the truth is that I like all the pain
Maybe I really want all of these chains . . .

[Chorus]

Please refrain from your pity and sorrow
Cause I believe you gotta live like there ain't no tomorrow
Fight the Reaper to take my last breath
Livin life like there's nothin left . . .

Enhancin my mental, chemical stress relief
Fightin detractors holdin on to my one belief
Grief everyday cause I'm livin on the left
And criminals on the right wanna take all that I have left
You guessed it, I'm part of the bottom 98
and trickle down doesn't work in the land of the great
Argue and debate on the merits of my politics
Rant and rave over top of my beats cause they rockin shit
Tellin my thoughts and feelingsto the listener
talkin bout life, bout love, how I'm missin her . . . .
Speakin about all the things for which I lust
speakin my mind, I'm gonna do as I must
I'm burnin copies of my CD on my PC
Fuck distribution, you wanna copy, you can come see me
Negative, producing beats that be me
spittin venom on all the cats not believin me

Chorus (2 times)"




. . . word

advancement

verse one

Hesitation is never knowing your heart
Having no clue where you're going from the start
You think you know me, you think you're so smart
I've got two different worlds trying to tear me apart
I spend too much of my day tryin to act for you
You spend too much of your day wonderin what I do
If you've got something to say then get your message through
What is this game that you play why do you make me blue
Why can't I live my life without your disruption
Can't even talk to myself without an interruption
Why do you think I need to follow your instruction
You know what they say about making assumptions
Everyday I tell lies send you in a different direction
Somedays I wish you'd die, hope that you'd catch an infection
It makes me wonder why you're all up on my erection
And you wonder why I chemically fly out of depression

Chorus

In my rearview mirror, callin on the telephone
Can't you take the hint & just leave me alone?
Notes tossed through my windows taped to the backs of stones
Full blown, everyday you've me reaching for my chrome

verse two

It seems you do your best trying to flip up my mental
What you see as incedental has me dreamin of bustin your dental
Fentanyl and Ativan to help numb my brain
Wonderin how one person can cause so much pain
You're driving me to the edge of sanity
For your motherfuckin vanity, how can it be?
You say its all out of love and yet it fosters all this hate
You say it fits like a glove but feels so tight around the waist
Thinking we're soulmates but you don't even know me
You say you care but if so is this any way to show me?
Callin my house at three in the a - m
Go out to pick up the paper and in my lawn I find you layin
Prayin to what I don't believe for you to go
Sayin to anyone who asks that I don't know you
So now I'm gonna say this one last time
Get the fuck out of my life because you'll never be mine

Chorus 2xs

escape

Chorus (2xs)
Nobody's free, we're all trapped in a cage
I can't see, completely blinded by rage
Engulfed by society, power and lies
Devils on the sides of me, friends in disguise
Doubting myself, I can't take all this pressure
so I turn my paycheck into chemical pleasure
I haven't connected with anybody in years
but if my feelings are shut down then what's with all the tears?
I live in fear of the world surroundin me
Everyday life is like a bully just poundin me
Bound to be a better existence than this
but my mind just doesn't comprehend the meaning of bliss
Missed something along the way, I gotta be wrong
There's gotta be someplace where even I can belong
Ease the pain, bring a smile to my face
Anything, please, just belp me get out of this place

Chorus
Escape to another place
the only way
cause at this pace
I don't think I can face another day
Escape to another place
gotta get away
can't face another day, it's the only way

Exit plan--it's on my mind daily
but this man--is still makin the minimum
I got rhymes--but nobody wants to play me
It takes time--recording studios I'm rentin em

It never ends, all the drama in my life
and then I wonder why my wrists are always lookin for a knife
My good sense says no, but my spirit says yes
cause its broke from trying to devide and conquer all this stress
I have dreams of just catchin a bus
of friends anywhere but here sayin "come crash with us,"
But then I wake up in the same fuckin bed
surrounded by all the magazines and books I haven't read
turn on the tv, orange terrorist threat
heightened state of alert and I ain't even dressed yet
Ridge is talking tellin me what to avoid
and then I wonder why my therapist thinks I'm paranoid
Wearin gloves and a mask to go and get the mail
and then back in the house I'm cuttin my own white powder rails
Ashcroft trying to steal my freedom to shout
I don't know how, but yo, I gotta get out

Chorus

Escape to another place (echoanother place . . .)
can't face another day (echoanother day . . . )
Escape to another place (echoanother place . . .)
Gotta get away (echogotta get away . . .) (this last line repeated four times as the track fades out . . . )

Scars

"Everyday I wake up and keep lyin to myself
thinkin that i'm gonna make a shitload of wealth
talkin loud but aint doin nothin
but sniffin and puffin, but drinkin and huffin
Never polishin tracks, never sendin out demos
but all day dream of ridin around in limos
My mind wishes my body wasn't so lazy
but it just doesn't respond and its driving me crazy
Wake up everyday, lookin shabby
Never exercisin so I'm startin to get flabby
My tracks are the hotness, if only you could hear em
My samples the most cres, if only I could clear em
I'm poor, but I still find money for dope
Thinkin bout endin it all with my neck in a rope
Its dark, I can't see, but still grope
for the light at the end of the scope

[chorus]

. . . but in the midst of it all
it seems like I always knew that I'd fall
I'm bruised and battered, my heads below the surface
and I can't swim--Please tell me this isn't my only purpose . . .


Storm clouds on the horizon
Darkness falls
I feel trapped by a room and four walls
No one calls, nobody answers
people equal humanity's cancer
I'm not here, I never was
Nothing matters now, it never does
The cycle of life is ever static
Nothing ever happens by chance, its automatic
Erratic--a word without meaning
because its ALL volatile, at least that's how its seeming
Gleaming through a break in the clouds is the sun
Trying to shed light, make none become one
But even as the clouds break, the sun goes down
and everything is black as night all around
There is no escaping from the bleak
What's truly inherited by the meek . .

[chorus]

Dodled verse

I own way too much pornography
and not enough 'insert cool band's name here's' discography
don't bother me
doin stupid shit when I oughta be
doin constructive shit and not playing online monopoly
Probably
I'm just a slacker who wants to be a computer hacker and not so much of a peter wacker
Rap about silly shit cause my life is silly
If the pimp would run again you know I'd have voted for Willy
Billy Bob's in the attic, my stereo's catchin static
Can't be emphatic enough about how I'm automatic
Sneakin like a rat I'm on a mad sabbatical
Tweakin of of the khat you know that Thad is radical
Pen my own rhymes to the beats that I program
Now get your nose out of mine, don't even try to sniff up my snow gram


. . . get your own . . .

 

[mariacallas]

From 2005-2006

inspired

Can't think straight, I can't think sideways
Emotions got me thinkin bout playin chicken on highways
My ways are always the ones that cause distress
But I've got you, and yo knowin that I'm feelin blessed
Guess I knwo I shouldn't have left my occupation
But I was in a fucked up stressful situation
Indication that I need to relax? Perhaps
But there's plenty of time for rest when I'm takin my dirt nap
But if so, then why am I still here, pen to paper
Wearin yesterday's clothes, antigrow, dreamin of vapors
Neighbors already home, done hit up their 9 to 5
Yo when your jobless and sheltered are you even alive?
But then it all comes back to you, the time that we spend
And all the troubles that I have, they sort of seem like pretend
mendin all my breaks, I get back up on the wall
another day, another fall, I'm broken until you call . . . .



second verse in that rhyme . . .



Yo, if its gonna be like this, give me a raincheck
Because I'm lookin for bliss, I ain't lookin for a namecheck
Betcha didn't know that I was down for mine
Hear it in my rhyme, you know I think its about time
Things are just crazy, nothin's on the flip
Ain't got shit, ain't doin nothin but runnin my lip
I got a girl that's halfway round the world
It just seems my life'll never get unfurled
But six months, six months of bustin my ass
No travel, no long distance calls, no smokin grass
Cash put away, savin for another day
When my career money and girl are all coming my way . . .

Splintered memories

Splintered memories, shards of faint intangibles lost but never had
Am I remembering, or preparing
Misplaced thoughts, a map lacking topography, or just plans gone bad
Expertly removing, or just tearing
Patchwork sensations, synthetic feelings resembling plaid
Is it cloth, or emotion my sleeve is wearing
Undiscovered ideas, just unearthed, or always had
Am I crazy, or just finally caring

untitled

distance defines
length of the heart
depth of the mind
finding closeness in miles compounded
when hostility has me surrounded

the end is the means
back to the start
is this really as it seems?
uncomprehensible fate for a man
who doesn't believe there is a greater plan

I tend to be consistently wrong . . .

erasing the lines
borders and definitions
change with the times
is all of this change some silent insinuation
that I know nothing of my own situation?

qualities redeem
unfavorable positions
when you know not what I mean
if we can just break through the confusion
and let understanding offer us a solution

its all we've needed all along . . .

culture

I

envious of traits in other people I'll never see in myself
of positions, stations in life
I try not to watch the tv or the radio
the lies inundate me
I'm just a mortal, just wanna be adored . . .
popularity makes it easy to swallow your pride
so why don't I feel alive?
all this sensory overload deadens the nerves
my spirit surges in solitary
in a society hellbent on pushing you down
its hard to comprehend the desire to navigate a crowd


II

in society, I feel absolutely like a fish out of water
it's always unexpected
just when I feel I've started to assimilate
someone makes me feel like an anomaly
when I feel I've become even slightly normal
an action
seen in my eyes as abnormal
yet applauded
brings me yet again to the realization that I'm an outcast
people tend to bring me down
the way they act, the worlds a stage for farce
no one really knows, but they sure try to put on airs
those of us that DON'T
catch hell for being honest
consumerism is a culture of deceit
I could sell you the world with the right pitch
but I have no desire for that
I don't want you to see me through a window
I want you to feel the way I see the world
I want it all
with you

cobweb thoughts

I can hear emotions
peak around the speaker
soft pounds
and a voice that wails
as sweet as December . . .
Was this the soundtrack to
some proto-sexual funeral procession
in my head?
The audio background noise
on a television show?
Because
hard as I try
I can't recall the feelings,
the isolated
despair and sadness
that I breathed into this song . . .
but the work
makes my heart feel,
regardless
. . . of course it was real . . .
a soul repaired
not quite healed . . .

rapt

you see that?
flash
didn't cross my mind
amazing if you
pay attention
the things that you can find

sometimes its like
listening
the only thing that binds
focus so intense
busted capillaries
catch my surprise from behind

so much work
finally
let go of the mind
without the toil
effortless truth
is always the best kind

intimate questions

the television screen
flickers, lost
why do I feel empathy?

information blasts intercontinental
messages, jumbled
are you wondering how I understood?

letter third class
envelope, mangled
do you wonder how it reaches the shore?

these unlikely gifts
understood, implicit
do you know that some things don't need to be said?

late night waiting
early, semantics
can time really change the face of need?

online message sent
lag, frustration
has persistence ever saved you from regret?

in the end
beginning, non-existent
you ever felt that you were meant for this?

late night knowing

Time to put up or shut up . . .


I'm in love with you
Foolhardy
Desperately
Only
Even sometimes
When the stress turns me into an ineffectual bastard
I'm in love with you
Completely
Absolutely
Always
And I know there are days when it doesn't shine through
But I'm in love with you
Lost
Awed
Scared
So much so
Not sure which I fear more
These unbelievable feelings
. . . or a future without you
goddamn . . .

. . . have I told you I loved you?

untitled

Missed calls seem like eternity
but your voice--------infinity
Have your ears ever been lonesome
Mine
ache with longing
to hear like they've never heard before
Newborn audio
only comes from you

So a picture's worth a thousand words
but your face--------silent awe
Have your eyes ever been nautious
Mine
sick with love
to open like awoken from a dream
Unknown color
only comes from you

Interaction bridges distance
til then----------patience
Have you ever waited forever
I have
to be with her
Everyday is never lived
embryonic
life begins with you

tell me

If I've become nothing
I'm nothing through you
cause your my everything
Everything, I've been destroyed
let's not be coy
I know you see right through

(chorus)
Tell me What you want me to do
Tell me how you already knew
tell me what you want me to do
Tell me everything is true

Question my reasons, don't question my heart
Cause if this isn't real, why's it tearing me apart?
I know your on the same plain
I can feel it every time you call out my name


(chorus)


Anything said, I'm sure you've already heard
I don't have to say another word
Lines in the devide are getting blurred
. . . everything bringing me closer to her . . . .


(chorus)


(fade)

 

[tambourine-man]

comin from way out the universe
been playin a different game than you since birth
you never knew that I was different . . . thought I was normal
every weird thing I did you thought that it was hormonal
but I grew to be a quite different person than you envisioned
puttin my feelings out front and cookin dinner in the kitchen
I never asked you to understand but just to accept
but when I told you who I was all that you did was wept
you couldn't accept
the reality of the man
standing in front of you, stong, proud, doing all that he can
man it hurts so much that you just can't be with me
but the look in your face tells me your heart just wants to diss me
in your soul, deep down, you know that you're wrong
but oh well . . fuck it, I guess its just the same song
playing on the same juke box in this broke down bar
if I'm gonna be so honest I wont get very far
so play that on your LP or on your CD
even if I tell you who I am you'll still never see me
cause I'm the realness
if you was on the level than you'd feel this
but you ain't so don't expect me to faint since you can't heal this
my innner being ain't a disease
I'm not trying to please
so step back if you ain't down with my steez
brotha please
if only you could comprehend
that this is who I am it isn't a problem that you can mend
bending backward to try to make you understand . . .
but oh well, I guess I'm just a different kind of man . . .
I stand with my head held high, I'm proud
you don't even know me guy, I'm so loud
I'm real about who I am
if only you could be as much of a real man
so what if I'm down for jay or jane
at least I'm being who I am this isn't a game

That's some powerful writing.

 

[elfdancer]

Those lyrics are intense and beautiful. Damn shame to lose someone so gifted.

Indication that I need to relax? Perhaps
But there's plenty of time for rest when I'm takin my dirt nap

Rest well, man

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

untitled
Missed calls seem like eternity
but your voice--------infinity
Have your ears ever been lonesome
Mine
ache with longing
to hear like they've never heard before
Newborn audio
only comes from you

So a picture's worth a thousand words
but your face--------silent awe
Have your eyes ever been nautious
Mine
sick with love
to open like awoken from a dream
Unknown color
only comes from you

Interaction bridges distance
til then----------patience
Have you ever waited forever
I have
to be with her
Everyday is never lived
embryonic
life begins with you


Wow. That is so beautiful
He could describe indescribable things that happen when you fall in love, very rare.

 

[psillocybin]

rest in peace negative....
definately a natural writing talent

 

[smackem]

Jesus man. It really tears me up when people die on drugs.

I have to think, well i know, eventually and probaly in the next 100 we will have a cure for drug addiction. The kind of drug addiction that makes lose control of yourself as we all have. All the people that didn't know what they were getting into. All the people (us) that DID know what we were getting into.

Drugs are like some sort of horrible prank on humans.

 

[skjalff]

fuck man.. the first thing i see coming back is this.. Condolences and warm feelings go to his survivors, because I know he himself doesn't regret now. RIP, Negative

 

[OriginalCrazyone]

I just learned of the tribute here...

thad and I were close friends, along with Tathra and Dok... I know I don't come around here very often (this is like my 3rd or 4th time visiting bluelight) and unless you were at ultra 2004 with tathra and I, you probably don't know me and this doesn't matter to any of you... but I would like tyo say thank you on behalf of Negative's RL friends... I know he was close to many of you from here and talked about the bluelighters quite a bit, and he would appreciate both the tribute placed on the front page for a short time and this thread tribute. he was a great friend, a good man and is missed.

drinking a guiness in your honor buddy.... see you on the other side...

-OcO-

 

[~*geNeRaTiOn E*~]

Jesus man. It really tears me up when people die on drugs.

I have to think, well i know, eventually and probaly in the next 100 we will have a cure for drug addiction. The kind of drug addiction that makes lose control of yourself as we all have. All the people that didn't know what they were getting into. All the people (us) that DID know what we were getting into.

Drugs are like some sort of horrible prank on humans.

he didn't die from an illicit drug overdose, he suffered an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. ironic eh?

still missing you every day, thad.

 

[mariacallas]

I was reading this poem by e.e.cummings love and it was so overwhelmingly true that I just had to post it here....i know you would absolutely adore it....i miss you !


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

[OriginalCrazyone]

Tomorrow, it will be one year since Thaddeus moved on from this world. I am glad to see that the tribute is still on the server here, and to see alot of his music is still floating around the internet in various places. I now find myself living in the apartment above the office where he used to work, renting it from his former employer, myself and my family... it is strange... I can sometimes feel his presence, watching over us, and occasionally think I see a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. I know, it sounds insane...

Anyway. I miss you, bro... looking forward to seeing you someday when we are together on the other side... keepng a candle lit, and drinking a guieness in your memory...

-OcO-

 

[mariacallas]

Not insane at all, OcO.

 

[crazy_lil_1]

RIP Negative.
Such a sweet guy you were.
Such a tragic loss it is.

 

[Changed]

did he write the lyrics to Kanye's "Jesus Walks," or did you just post the lyrics here as a tribute to Negative?

 

[mariacallas]

^nah...he posted it in his journal along with other stuff he wrote there and I pasted them all here at once ....I may have overlooked it and forgot to put that it was lyrics he found really meaningful.

 

[OriginalCrazyone]

Another year has passed...

Still remembering you down here, waiting for the day I will see you again, bro. Wish you were still here. You would love my son, Xander. I wish you got to meet him.

Sitting here drinking a guinness to your memory bro... you are remembered and missed. I still have one of your tracks as my background on MySpace.

till we meet on the other side, love and miss you bro.

-OcO-