Mental Health Treatment Resistant Major Depression: Effing living hell (for 8 months going to 9)

[MDpatient]

Hey guys, how's everyone doing? Just joined the forum although I 've been lurking for quite a while, so hi to everybody.

It takes quite a bit of effort for me to write this post, but then again almost every single task I try to engage in takes tremendous effort to do, so I tend to abort it.

Well, here's a bit about my story. I've been diagnosed with MDD since eight and a half months ago. My psych (who I trust and respect, that's one of the few positives really) has me currently under 450 mg venlaxafine (effexor) in the morning and 40mg of Citalopram (many brand names) and melatonin at night plus 3mg of Invega at night which is on the way out. This dosage began with a low dose of effexor and citalopram at night plus Levomepromazine (nozinan) 25mg and inveiga 9 m, so the antipsychotics were tapered and the anti-depressants increased in dosage. I am staying at the aforementioned dosage for the next 3 weeks or so, and then we are switching to another -tricyclic this time- AD if effexor bears no fruit. So that's at least another month (and I am very doubtful effexor is going to do pretty much anything to help even at this high dosage) and if things don't work out, a new AD so give it a month and a half at least to work. Time is always an issue, but time under such an un-effing-bearable daily existence is martyrdom.

In terms of the depression I don't have suicidal feelings, neither did I from the beginning, or feeling life is worthless or the typical depression ideations. I am depressed at my state of life and mind. What I have is a constant and unrelenting malaise, for lack of a better word. Nothing comes easy, a trip to get a pack of fags feels like a mini trip to some mountain or other, can't cook for myself and I always did that, horrible headaches, and popping zannax high dose benzos as if they were mints, they do pretty much nothing for me right now, well, some infinitesimally small relief, awful awful sleep and waking up with the gazilionth nightmare feeling tired. I went on vacation close to the seaside and I managed in two months to swim (love swimming) 4 days, and it felt like I was dragging a ball and chain doing it. Can't go out for a walk, let alone a run, can't pick up a book and read (loved reading), can't listen to music all that much, and about 3-4 times a day a catch myself saying to myself, god, jesus, how the fuck could I be feeling so damn unbearably awful. I am also pushing forty and past memories are always there to constantly haunt me, or whatever "me" is left of me and despite the consolation I get from my shrink, that me is a tired, torn, battered, ever tortured broken up me.

I wanna tell you guys, I 've no idea about coke or meth or heroin withdrawal symptoms and after detox the compromised quality of life that there might be, but I feel right now that someone who's not suffered the way I am suffering right now doesn't know what suffering in. Despite having my fair share of suffering in my life, despite say active alcohol abuse ( I dislike alcoholism as a word) with the shame, the guilt, the physical and mental torture your body goes through, the relentless brutal hangovers etc. I really had no idea what suffering really was up until now. Everything until now was kid's stuff, this is the real motherfucking deal, and it's as ugly as a Medusa's head.

So how did this martyrdom start:

I was smoking weed daily and drinking about a bottle of wine or so daily (a spliff and great glass of wine or two or three, after a nice home cooked meal, what a fucking dream,I wish I 'll be able to do this in my life at even some distant point in the future..), or anyway most of the days of the week. I have a history of alcohol abuse, with long bouts of sober living and weed helped me curb my taste for booze to a great extent. I almost always stuck to wine and binging was very very rare. I was also really productive at work, in the first few months of relationship I was into and happy about that. You 'd think that this kind of drug habit wouldn't have done me in so badly.

It didn't.

What did me in was a time frame of terrible stress during which I was sabotaged at work (a family member included in that nasty little conspiracy to freak me out, sadly), I had intense fears that my small weed growing side project would be reported to the coppers via my ex girlfriend, I had a neckless gorilla break my door almost right in front of my eyes, I had my life threatened twice, the second time with bodily harm (not taking place ultimately), I took a trip to Amsterdam (I remained sober there) under, well, very complicated circumstances to spell them out here, where I met a very unfriendly former lover and friend, I received a few emails supposed to freak me out... to cut it short, some people where out to get me, well, not to get me, but to terrorise me for sure. Pisses the fuck out of me, that here I am minding my fucking business, maybe going a bit further down the wind and weed road than I should have, and at the same time some people are minding my fucking life and plotting how to fuck me over.... At some point the immediate threats stopped and things calmed down, but I didn't, I threatened back, and I got into a manic phase overworking on a work idea I had, not sleeping well, fitting the bill of a manic episode to the t.

And then I fucking crashed. I had pain all over my back but the doctor couldn't pinpoint it to anything after the cramped muscle healed, and this ongoing excruciating pain took about 30-35 massage sessions to heal, and then I crashed even worse, I became a shadow of myself going to bed at 8 pm and waking up at 5 am, every turn to the other side on the bed feeling like a cripple's struggle, my voice was almost lost to a laboured trembling whisper, I found it impossible to even roll a cigarette (tobacco), felt incapacitated, and then I visited the shrink, under the impression that a clinic would probably be where I ended up. I had and still have a good rapport with the psych, but the first few weeks were more than unbearable being in a constant haze, unable to as much as open up the computer, walking around my neighbourhood with a family member everyday as the only means to ever so slightly feel less unbearable.

So, I am opening up this topic, although my persecutory experience is probably the stuff that bad dreams are made of for most here, but resistant MDD is something I am sure others have gone through regardless of the stressor that got them there. Glad I managed to write this post which I 've been postponing for so long, because the intention had been there but the capacity to do so was absent. Anyone wanting to commiserate, or who's struggling right now under similar conditions (my shrink tells me there's worse, can't believe that, but I trust the guy, so there must be worse), feel free to join this thread. And again hi to everybody, high to some of you guys.

 

[Mr excuse me sir]

Hi there, just thought I'd tell you that I had very similar case of MDD that I thought by the third year I would have for life and perhaps manage it better etc.. I also went through waisted months of trialing antidepressants. At least ten and none of them ever gave me anything aside from Lexipro which I took for two years which may have saved a potential suicide from a childish inability to stop abusing MDMA.
Hang in there, I hate when people say that but from 3 years of MDD and thinking I'd never be not unhappy ever again to finding the right diagnosis and then the right medication and then exercised like a mad man for a year, and six months after the breakthrough diagnosis of ADHD and a dance with Ritalin before finding Dexamphetamine, the only medication that's helped me regain and reignight my self.

I still fall here and there occasionally but my point is that I was sure I would feel that way forever and that was true until the day it was no longer. I quit Benzos after a decade of serious abuse. Xanax thank Christ they made it a controlled drug here. I was amazed the difference in creativity and general levels excitement and it wasn't until I got to 5mg of Diaz per day that I really finally saw the effect they had had on me.

Keep searching for something, I'm glad that I stuck with a good shrink for now five years. I think that allowed allot more trust on his part so that we could systematically go through my options until in the end we found the right combo. If you stick at it, I really believe you will look back on now and feel a bit like I do looking back now. Peace and positive vibes

 

[MDpatient]

Hey Mr. Excuse me Sir, I really appreciate the reply. Did you have that insufferable almost excruciating mental pain? I really don't know how to describe it better. It's daily and it's almost unrelenting. Sometimes when I fall asleep I feel I am in an oven or gas chamber or something. Jesus. I am hanging in there. But if this thing goes over the yearly frame with the symptoms staying firmly put I 'll start seeking out a state with lax euthanasia laws, I say this half jokingly half seriously. But I love and respect myself a lot to do this, plus I really don't want to give any motherfucker that aimed to destroy me the pleasure of taking care of that myself.

I am planning to run and exercise like a mad man myself, lol, as soon as I find some relief. Rebuild my scared brain.

For the past 15 years or so I 've been on benzos on and off, xanax and long life one, but I never did seriously abuse them. Max zanax I 'd got to was 1 1/2 or 2 of 0.5 mg, whilst I was abusing alcohol on and off, definitely mostly on. I really don't know why I didn't abuse them, I was scared of them and I always wanted to have the amount I was taking in check. But that applied to booze too, and I couldn't. Guess I was more biochemically vulnerable to alcohol. Now I am popping 1mg xanax's every few hours, does pretty much fuck all by now but there's some placebo I guess.

Will stick to the shrink for sure. Planning to ask him if it's worth trying this contraption http://www.fisherwallace.com . Today I asked him about ECT. Might as well anaesthesize me and get those electrical currents running, might erase some memory too (what a fuck up it would be though if the good bits, few and far between as they might be, got erased and the bad bits stuck) I said half jokingly. Joke didn't go down well with him and he told me that's not even an option for us.

Peace man, thanks for the positive vibe.

 

[Manitoba]

After reading the description of your TRD experience, I just wanted to pop in to say I can really empathize with a lot of your experiences and frustrations. My own struggle with TRD (or whatever the hell is wrong with me) is ongoing and I've accepted it always will be. There is some freedom in that, but little solace.
My closest friend went through twelve ECT sessions earlier this year and I flew across the country to stay with him, took him to all of his appointments, dealt with all of the docs and nurses, etc - and through the month I watched him slowly change. I could see it. After 5-6 treatments, his parents could hear it on the phone, though he never once directly indicated feeling any improvement, he was just more... active. He moved more, paid closer attention to things, initiated simple tasks (taking showers, eating - simple things he was no longer doing for himself). I have spoken with many people over the years in various peer support groups who have had positive results as well. The point is, ECT is not out of the question unless you are seeing a neuropsychologist who knows what they are talking about or if you already know you can not undergo treatments due to some other condition, so if you really are (even half) interested, don't let the opinion of one doctor inform your decision.
I spent over a decade abusing opiates, alcohol, benzos, and anything else that came my way, but I haven't had a drink since 2008 (bladder ulcers) and though I have used lots of potentially addictive Rx meds for pain, depression and anxiety, at some point even those became a waste of time. Self help, fringe alternative medicine, meditation retreats, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, fucking name it and I've tried it. The only med combo I've tried that has helped at all is wellbutrin xl, adderall xr, xanax xr, and the occasional additional benzo or ambien for sleep. My doc has recently added topamax to the list, so hopefully it doesn't fuck me up too badly.
Not sure why I am writing this at all, just lurking and wanted to say 'hi' because I think I understand some of what you are going through. No one places priority on the PAIN or the endless boredom. No one else can feel it like you do, and people without MDD don't get it and they just can't. It's one more thing that keeps us isolated. Add some (what sounds like) shitty and somewhat unavoidable life experiences and chronic pain (ditto), and the recipe for self harm is potent, so I am relieved that you are not thinking those thoughts. It's so frustrating to see other people with normal lives and know that next week you might not make it further than the toilet and could lose or gain 10 lbs. And they don't know.
My friend (Mr. ECT) always says "we just don't get to have what other people have" or "we do what we can". Both of these seemingly trite statements used to annoy the shit out of me, but now when he uses one I can see the quiet and mature way he takes on his illness, and they are the most supportive sentiments I can share. If you trust your doctor and you have already identified your illness and can clearly see the events that brought you to your current state, you are already farther along than most of the people I know who have spent their whole lives severely depressed.
Stay alive, don't take shit from anyone, and make your doctors listen to you.

 

[Mr excuse me sir]

Hey man no probs, yeah the pain you're talking about for me it was like an impending sense of doom I could never forget. I preferred to be asleep for a year and it was just the worst.
Allot of things have changed for me now, it's about two years since that now. One thing you mention is Benzos in that post, I was a super addict of them for a decade, now I have a single Valium maybe twice a month. I found after jumping off the revolving Xanax roller coaster I was infinitely less dark in mood and now eighteen months since Xanax and off diazepam save a couple a pills a month I find I'm so much more creative and outgoing. Hang in there, it's a long game, I find being around the more people the better and remember to have HOPE. I'm not into AA or NA at all but you need to believe that things can change, you can be a bit dubious about it but I believe that's the start. It can be as basic as my demeanor the difference, people approach and talk to you when your energy is positive. I used to convince myself almost that I hated being around people and that didn't help and was horseshit.

My shrink used to say this: 'if it took you that long to get into trouble, it's going to take some time too get out'.

I think it's about making your life full enough of good things that you enjoy so drugs and meds and depression can become periphery hints one day or bit by bit.

Anywho, Peace bro and keep at it, luck turns and usually involves failure a few times but if you keep trying I think things will work out somehow, don't ask me how, it's a different road for everyone. I've met many people who say much the same thing as me regarding this so it's nice knowing that it's by no means just you.

Hit me up on PM if you wanna chat

 

[MDpatient]

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[TD="class: alt1, bgcolor: #EEEDDC"]I feel infinitesimally better, overwhelming fear ( I'd say horror) and sadness engulf and devour me almost all the time though, there's no light at the end of the tunnel as far as I can see, but I can see the tunnel a tiny bit more clearly. I m keeping close to my shrink, my meds, my family, God as far as I can feel his presence and to the faithful departed that may aid me from afar. Thanks to anyone that's voiced their support and my hugs out to anyone reading this thread and facing similar troubles. A time may come when this terrible weight is lifted, a time shall come, it cannot be otherwise. A for alive then, and H for healing.
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[herbavore]

MD. I am very glad to hear that some light is filtering into the darkness. As an older person I can say that I have had times where none did and the assumption that it will always be dark is perhaps the most dangerous assumption, setting in stone in the mind that this darkness was my natural state. I'm relieved to hear that you are using the resources around you to heal. Very good strategy.

 

[Ceres]

MDPatient: I can totally relate to your experience, this is exactly what I go through myself, it seems to come in phases, i will be 'ok' for a while, then plunged into deep depressive state where as you say, everything, everything feels like a struggle and I become totally withdrawn and stop eating.

It can take time to find the right combo of medicine, I tried the tricyclic imipramine for a few months, im not sure it helped much. It is a slow and frustrating process, especially when your psychiatrist only sees you for 20 minutes every 3 months.

I find trying to occupy myself with something constructive to take my mind off all the terrible thoughts I dwell on otherwise. Sometimes I just even put something on netflix and watch it for some mindless escapism.

Benzos and booze definately don't help with mood in the long term, I was drinking 2 bottles of wine a day at one point, then I got detoxed in hospital and haven't drunk alcohol in years now. It made my life so much easier being free of that cycle of wake up hangover, feeling like shit, drinking in the morning and every day, so I constantly had high levels of alcohol in my blood.

I think dealing with depression requires a multifaceted approach, everyone is different and everyone has a unique set of circumstances surrounding their depression, it just takes time to find the right approach of medicine that helps and also how to change your life in ways that promote a more positive state of mind.

I find it an extremely frustrating process myself, my psychiatrist is at a loss of what to try next, and I just have to cope with it all myself. I didn't realise there was a mental health subforum, so this is my first post, I think it does help to talk about these things with other people, as a release and also to help define the problems you are having in a tangible way that then allows you to tackle it a little better.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the idea that 'tomorrow is another day, and this state of mind will not last forever'.

Take care.