trapped

[rollin_stoned]

I've come to the realization that I have full blown depression which also stems from my anxiety. However, the non-anxiety related depression is the hopelessness, lethargy, not wanting to get out of bed because I don't feel I can make it through the day. That even just the 2 classes I have to go to seem too much for me, and since since I feel like I'm not able to do the homework even though i understand it in class, my anxiety cripples me from doing it because I feel it will take me all day. I know it's also laziness and procrastination, but there's just something else.

Any everyday task seems like a burden, i'm ridden with guilt from my anxiety because I can't even talk to my family without feeling anxious, so I lock myself in my room and only come out to get food or go to the bathroom. I don't have friends anymore......the people I spent the last 4 years of my life with are no longer an interest to me anymore....I'm annoyed by them, they're horrible people, and to be honest I think they fucked me up a lot because I didn't start getting this bad till I first met them. But I will very rarely occasionally be with them only when I don't want to be mean and they catch me online.

Not only is it my past, but my drug use as well....started off with weed at 16 and just got progressively worse. My opiate addiction didn't truly start till nov. '09 but i would take 1-2 month breaks till sept. '10 when i became a full blown junkie...stealing money and games, movies, anything to sell for money till i quit November 14th. Which I stayed clean till mid january when i hurt my hip and back from a drunken accident. I wasn't as bad as before and was taking them for both pain and to get high. which I've been going on and off arbitrarily since then.

But back when I quit in november, i practically traded my opiate addiction to alcoholism even though i HATE alcohol....but now i've been drinking it more than ever or taking benzos. Any gaba relief or downer relief....but it's not helping so idk why i keep doing it. I just realize all the wrong things in my life when i'm drunk cause i'm able to open up, but it doesn't help all that much.

My mom knows about my opiate addiction from november but thinks i'm still clean, but she knows about me using benzos (which she thinks is for anxiety relief but i sometimes use it for more) and the beer she thinks i just have one or two with food. She's an enabler and she's too nice....she's just like me.......so of course the person who won't yell at you, you take out all of your frustrations on them.....or at least that's why I think I treat her like that......which sucks, I love my mom....she's my fucking rock, I honestly don't think i'm going to live when she dies and if my mental health isn't better by then, i'm done for....but if I love her so much, why do I treat her like shit? When she gets in my room i talk like i'm disgusted, trying to rush her, and just annoyed........idk..........

I know the drugs and alcohol aren't helping and it takes an addict to truly want to quit, and even though i'm sick of this, i'm not ready to truly stop completely. I've got so much stress, it's unbearable and keeps me up all night.....i get racing thoughts both good and bad, thoughts like this or just reviewing my life or plans for the future.

I never thought i'd get suicide ideation, but these past few days I have....the only thing keeping me alive is the pain i don't want my mom or family to go through if i killed myself.....idk....i just dont fucking know....

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi rollin_stoned, I really feel for you man
I've suffered with depression for pretty much my whole life. I've been an alcoholic for 6 years and recently I've been getting some pretty crippling anxiety as well, which is new for me and rather terrifying.

Anyway, it's a good sign that you're starting to open up (i.e. on here) about the issues you're having. That shows that you want help. Have you ever gotten any professional help for either your depression or anxiety, or your drug use? If so, how long ago was that, and did you find that it helped you? Perhaps it's time to go see someone about what you're going through. There is a lot of help out there if you just look

In the meantime though, do you think it would be worth opening up to your mum and telling her the real difficulties you're currently having?? There is a possibility that it might not help because she might just become too overly-concerned, which could frustrate you. But on the other hand it might help you a lot to just get your thoughts out there to another person. Do you perhaps have a close friend who you can confide in?

With regards to your anxiety and benzos, the tricky thing with using meds for anxiety as opposed to getting ongoing therapy, is that meds fix you pretty much straight-away. This then tends to cause people to ignore getting therapy because, well, when they're on meds thye're not anxious anymore! But if you're having issues with abusing your meds, perhaps you might like to consider investing the time to getting therapy. Therapy takes longer to get results, but the advantage is that you learn life-long techniques for managing your anxiety.

Anyway, let me know how you're going okay? If you ever need to chat to someone I'm only a PM away Take care

 

[Jester-Race]

Whats up r_s, I feel its finally time for me to make a meaningful post again on bluelight.

Being an old school bluelighter, more shit has piled up for me in the past year than ever before, and thus im at a zenith.

I can't really say whats on my mind but im fucking gone

. I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.I need help. I need help. I need help.

So yeah, that explains it in a situation that im so far gone in after years and years of shit that most anyone else can't fathom, as posted in my other post about my body dysmorphic disorder. It's getting there. Very soon.

Thanks for your support, I hate gaining pity by any means but bluelight literally means the world to me.

Its not that im suicidal, its when I'm going to commit suicide is whats bothering me.

I need help. I need help. I need help.

Thanks for reading.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ I don't view it as gaining pity JesterRace, you're reaching out for help, that's what you're doing
Do any of your friends or family members know what you're going through??

 

[Legerity]

Hey man parent/child dynamics are hard to deal with sometimes. We get programmed with so many unconscious automatic reactions as we grow up, and these can continue do determine our behavior when we are older. I know I have a lot of parental issues/resentments that need to be resolved too. Don't beat yourself up too much about it, it's good that you are able to see it and acknowledge that you don't want to act that way

As n3o mentioned therapy is really helpful, I would consider it a necessity if benzos are being used. What my psychiatrist told me was that the medication is most effective if used only to take the edge off enough to allow me to work through my emotional issues in other ways, rather than completely sedating or calming me. So my dosage was never high enough to have me completely comfortable all day, just enough to be able to function. I would really recommend therapy for the anxiety, you do not need to continue experiencing it like that.

Meditation is also very helpful if it is something you are interested in trying. There are so many types but mindfulness meditation seems particularly suited for anxiety.