indelibleface
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2004
- Messages
- 6,006
I debated whether to post about this in a public forum or not, but seeing as my significant other doesn't frequent this part of the web, I'm pretty safe posting this for the time being (not that I would ever use specifics or anything). I generally appreciate advice from Bluelight on certain issues, so here I am this evening.
My significant other and I have been together for over a year now. He's 23, and I'm 27. Both of us are transgender and well into our respective gender transitions. I've been transitioning for over a year and a half and have been taking hormones, doing facial electrolysis, et cetera. I've been living as a woman since March of this year. My partner has been transitioning with hormones for about six months.
When we first met, he was clearly female, and visibly was for the first six months of our relationship. At the time of us making our relationship official, I had been on hormones for four months and already looked pretty feminine and acted female (although I wasn't exactly living as a woman yet). He met me in this phase, and we fell in love with each other. I knew he wanted to transition and I was completely okay with that, but I might have not considered the entire scope of what that meant. I knew he would begin to look more masculine at some point, and that his voice would drop significantly, and that he would grow facial hair. I knew these things at the time, and I knew it would happen eventually, but I guess I didn't fully consider how much his transition would affect me. To him (a pansexual), all of the changes happening to me made me, according to him, more beautiful by the month. I called myself a pansexual too, because I really did think that personalities mattered most to me, and that I was, on some level, attracted to either gender.
And then, the night before he was going to receive his first testosterone shot, I broke down crying in bed with him. I started to panic. I suddenly realized that the voice that I knew and loved and felt comfort hearing during pillow talk would soon change and be unrecognizable. I realized that his face would change and become more severe and chiseled. His body would change shape. He would smell differently. All of this hit me at once like a hammer to my chest. And I blew up. I was scared.
After we resolved that temporarily, things just went as normal for a while. I broke down crying again a few months later, but we resolved that too. Our bond is really strong. We have such a wonderful emotional connection, to the extent that we can always calm each others' nerves whenever one or both of us is sad. I found things to like about his transition--his aggressiveness in bed for instance. His happiness. His new outgoing demeanor and confidence.
Lately, I've been having these feelings, and I think he knows that I am beginning to feel this way. I don't think I'm as pansexual as I thought I was. I have been feeling very unattracted to him lately. His body, voice, smell, and hair growth has changed very significantly. His...lower parts are becoming more masculine (hormones do have an effect down there, but I'll leave it to you to look it up). I look at old photos of him/her and I find myself vastly more attracted to his more feminine qualities. It hit me violently and suddenly--do I just like women? All growing up, when I identified as a man, I exclusively dated women. I only dated a few men, and it never worked out properly. Now, having almost fully transitioned to a woman, I'm finding myself more attracted to the female gender. Oh, it was fine when I was a man, because at the very least, seeing men made me feel more feminine, and that's why I thought I might have been gay at first, before I realized I just wanted to be female. Now, as a woman, I feel feminine every day. I just think that my primary attraction has always been towards women, not men, and I was fooling myself before. You can see how confusing it can be to wrestle with orientation as a transgendered individual, at least in my case.
So, I think I'm a lesbian. A male-to-female transgender lesbian. I'm a real project, aren't I?
And, it's funny to me how important both sexual/physical and emotional attraction are. Why can't emotional attraction be enough? The truth is, it's not (obviously), and I'm very quickly affirming that for myself*. I can't simply avoid having sex with him. If anyone could, then two It's just that our emotional attraction is so deep, that I wouldn't even mind not having sex with him if it meant we could be together. I realize this sounds weird, and even slightly offensive. It offends me, because I know he craves sex and I know that this can't go on. If I really do just like women, there's no way to make this work, is there? I feel stuck. Sometimes sex with him is just fine, but I'm not sure if it's because my brain subconsciously perceives him as a rather masculine woman or not. Maybe I'm just cheating myself?
On the other hand, he came to me last night and specifically said that he's been feeling very afraid of commitment lately. He's not sure if he wants to have anything long term. It feels like he might be implying that we are both on the cusp of a brand new gender, and that perhaps we might want to go ahead and explore the world as single individuals in our new skin. At least, that's what I hope he feels. I feel like that might be the best option.
What would you say or do in this scenario? Is there a way to end this and still remain friends? We still have a powerful emotional bond. I just...I've never had a clean, mutual breakup. I just hope that there might be a way to accomplish that, given this absurdly complex situation.
*(edited) If emotional attraction was all that it took to be in a relationship, then a straight man and a gay man could be in a relationship, or a gay man and a lesbian woman. It clearly doesn't make any sense.
My significant other and I have been together for over a year now. He's 23, and I'm 27. Both of us are transgender and well into our respective gender transitions. I've been transitioning for over a year and a half and have been taking hormones, doing facial electrolysis, et cetera. I've been living as a woman since March of this year. My partner has been transitioning with hormones for about six months.
When we first met, he was clearly female, and visibly was for the first six months of our relationship. At the time of us making our relationship official, I had been on hormones for four months and already looked pretty feminine and acted female (although I wasn't exactly living as a woman yet). He met me in this phase, and we fell in love with each other. I knew he wanted to transition and I was completely okay with that, but I might have not considered the entire scope of what that meant. I knew he would begin to look more masculine at some point, and that his voice would drop significantly, and that he would grow facial hair. I knew these things at the time, and I knew it would happen eventually, but I guess I didn't fully consider how much his transition would affect me. To him (a pansexual), all of the changes happening to me made me, according to him, more beautiful by the month. I called myself a pansexual too, because I really did think that personalities mattered most to me, and that I was, on some level, attracted to either gender.
And then, the night before he was going to receive his first testosterone shot, I broke down crying in bed with him. I started to panic. I suddenly realized that the voice that I knew and loved and felt comfort hearing during pillow talk would soon change and be unrecognizable. I realized that his face would change and become more severe and chiseled. His body would change shape. He would smell differently. All of this hit me at once like a hammer to my chest. And I blew up. I was scared.
After we resolved that temporarily, things just went as normal for a while. I broke down crying again a few months later, but we resolved that too. Our bond is really strong. We have such a wonderful emotional connection, to the extent that we can always calm each others' nerves whenever one or both of us is sad. I found things to like about his transition--his aggressiveness in bed for instance. His happiness. His new outgoing demeanor and confidence.
Lately, I've been having these feelings, and I think he knows that I am beginning to feel this way. I don't think I'm as pansexual as I thought I was. I have been feeling very unattracted to him lately. His body, voice, smell, and hair growth has changed very significantly. His...lower parts are becoming more masculine (hormones do have an effect down there, but I'll leave it to you to look it up). I look at old photos of him/her and I find myself vastly more attracted to his more feminine qualities. It hit me violently and suddenly--do I just like women? All growing up, when I identified as a man, I exclusively dated women. I only dated a few men, and it never worked out properly. Now, having almost fully transitioned to a woman, I'm finding myself more attracted to the female gender. Oh, it was fine when I was a man, because at the very least, seeing men made me feel more feminine, and that's why I thought I might have been gay at first, before I realized I just wanted to be female. Now, as a woman, I feel feminine every day. I just think that my primary attraction has always been towards women, not men, and I was fooling myself before. You can see how confusing it can be to wrestle with orientation as a transgendered individual, at least in my case.
So, I think I'm a lesbian. A male-to-female transgender lesbian. I'm a real project, aren't I?
And, it's funny to me how important both sexual/physical and emotional attraction are. Why can't emotional attraction be enough? The truth is, it's not (obviously), and I'm very quickly affirming that for myself*. I can't simply avoid having sex with him. If anyone could, then two It's just that our emotional attraction is so deep, that I wouldn't even mind not having sex with him if it meant we could be together. I realize this sounds weird, and even slightly offensive. It offends me, because I know he craves sex and I know that this can't go on. If I really do just like women, there's no way to make this work, is there? I feel stuck. Sometimes sex with him is just fine, but I'm not sure if it's because my brain subconsciously perceives him as a rather masculine woman or not. Maybe I'm just cheating myself?
On the other hand, he came to me last night and specifically said that he's been feeling very afraid of commitment lately. He's not sure if he wants to have anything long term. It feels like he might be implying that we are both on the cusp of a brand new gender, and that perhaps we might want to go ahead and explore the world as single individuals in our new skin. At least, that's what I hope he feels. I feel like that might be the best option.
What would you say or do in this scenario? Is there a way to end this and still remain friends? We still have a powerful emotional bond. I just...I've never had a clean, mutual breakup. I just hope that there might be a way to accomplish that, given this absurdly complex situation.
*(edited) If emotional attraction was all that it took to be in a relationship, then a straight man and a gay man could be in a relationship, or a gay man and a lesbian woman. It clearly doesn't make any sense.
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Each gender has its own unique attributes, whether assigned by genetics or otherwise. Even as a mostly straight woman I can appreciate the beauty of a woman's soft curves and sweet skin smell. Estrogen is a hell of a drug, isn't it? 