Too much empathy

[JackiePeyton]

Last year was a very bad year for me and somehow I got better and found my way out. Since then I have been trying to help those who helped me and we have a nice close knit group of friends. I know it's online but we have been able to support each other in a really good way and we plan to get together one day.
Some of us in the group are doing better than others. One of them is a young guy who is not even 25 yet and it seems that he is tried about every medication and he's really tried DBT. Borderline personality disorder is so hard to cope with I know and that is why I try so hard to be patient with him but it is so very difficult. When he starts talking about being suicidal it hurts me so very deeply and I often get very upset. I also am a nurse and I also have a family member who has some health issues, sometimes I am just not up to the challenge and I find myself getting really emotional about all these people and their problems because I cannot fix them all. I realize that it is not in my realm to help everyone. I know that. But when my friend asks for help if I am not available to him he will accuse me of not being there xcetera so I know I need to set boundaries. My thing is I just feel a lot of empathy for people and I get really upset sometimes about their problems. I think there needs to be more support for caregivers and people who help others like nurses and such. I don't know if any resources for that but I know that during my rough time last year part of the problem was that I was working hospice and totally burnt out on caring for the dying. Does anyone have any suggestions on where I should get better support for my needs. Its not that I am having any sort of crisis I would just like to talk to other to feel the same way.

Honestly sometimes I want to just stop giving a shit about everyone and just live for myself, stop being a nurse stop being a caregiver and just fucking laugh and joke and party you know but I know I can't do that

 

[DixiChik]

(((BIG OLE BEAR HUGS)))

Though I'm not a nurse, I am deemed responsible for many, including my 90 year old mom. I can often SO AGREE with your last sentence.

I'm here if you need to talk!

 

[placid space]

Yeah, I know what you mean but come on, you dont want to stop being a good person even though you need a pause. You might forget it sometimes but know that people like you, with strong empathy, interacting with other its like ripples or waves emanating from you. A good vibe from something is always felt on one lvl or another. You can make someones day or week just but a nice word or a smile, no even know it.
But I do understand what you mean, sometimes I wish I did become more numb over the years but It seems to go the otherway and often you see people in pain or suffering and you want to help them but dont know how. But first of all, you do need to know that only a healthy recharged you will be any good to others. So dont push it. Take a break. And one way to know how to help others is to know how to help yourself with such questions. I would strongly suggest meditation and like I already said somewhere else, buddhism. Its the best thing for dealing with empathy and how to manage it. Mahayana is the branch most dealing with it and developing it (LAma Yeshe is a good source) while the theravada branch deals far more with techniques on how to manage your mind (ajah Chah a good source or ajah Sumedho).

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Better to have too much empathy than not enough. People admire those who are compassionate towards others, and rightly so.

 

[Moreaux]

I commend you. You mean so much to so many people, and you make such a difference in their lives - that is truly special. On some levels I can relate through take care of loved ones at different times, but nothing on the level that you do. It is very important that you always save some time and energy to take care of you, especially if you want to continue to care for others.

It is not uncommon for caregivers to experience extreme stress and burnout, and to provide the highest levels of care you have to learn to recognize when you are getting close to those levels and take some you time. There are many support groups available for caregivers, have you considered joining one so you can discuss some of the feelings and obstacles you encounter with other main your position?

If you don't already do so I highly recommend meditation and yoga. A lot of what you do is emotionally difficult and while you may be experienced, you still need time to process it and also time to unwind and focus on other aspects of your life. I also recommend getting frequent massages. I personally get the most out of them going at the end of the week, a couple of hours before bed. I love getting a massage at six or seven on a Friday evening. I wear my pajamas, so when it's over I can go home, have dinner in bed (I have dinner already prepared so it's ready when I get home), and go to sleep in front of the tv.

If there are specific instances you are having issues processing consider therapy. Having a unbiased outside perspective is very helpful. Aside from that, I agree with you regarding boundaries - for your own mental health and well being you really need to set clear boundaries and expectations as your feelings and life need to be respected as well.

Kudos for all that you do! If you ever need to vent feel free to hit me up. I wish you the best!

 

[herbavore]

I find myself getting really emotional about all these people and their problems because I cannot fix them all. I realize that it is not in my realm to help everyone. I know that. But when my friend asks for help if I am not available to him he will accuse me of not being there xcetera so I know I need to set boundaries. My thing is I just feel a lot of empathy for people and I get really upset sometimes about their problems.

The most important thing to do is to set clear boundaries and reinforce them calmly. Having an empathetic nature can sometimes cross the line into a need to "fix". Accepting that you cannot fix anyone but yourself is the wellspring that the boundaries flow out of naturally. Reading/studying mindfulness could really help with the Hospice work and everything else. Check out Pema Chodron's works. Her words had a way of introducing me to my own compassionate boundaries in a very straightforward way.

You are doing great things for yourself and for others. All we have are our bonds we create--with people, with animals, with nature herself. But I don't think those deep bonds are possible without a very clear set of boundaries. Your young friend has learned to try to use manipulation because that is all he knows. I had a young friend like that as well. What worked was refusing to be manipulated ever and yet never abandoning him so that eventually he came to understand that manipulation was not necessary--in fact it was destructive to our bond.

The hospice that my mom volunteers for actually has support for all workers (volunteer and paid). Does your organization not offer that? What about suggesting it to them?

And last but not at all least, feeling sad for those we care about is part of the package. Allow it to come is easier than allowing it to go but it is important to know that you won't get stuck or drown in the sadness.

 

[Ziiirp]

From what I read you would be a perfect fit for a buddhist meditation temple (with an authentic master) with your background and empathy. They will guide you to techniques and mannerisms, that let you calm down and stabilize your inner self.

 

[JackiePeyton]

Thanks. Meditation and yoga sound good... Along with the massage. They used to offer the nurses massages at my last job. I can look into some of of these things. I appreciate the kind words.