Mental Health Tons of stuff going on with me. Need some help.

sophibee

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Jan 12, 2014
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I've been having a difficult time for the past 4, almost 5 years of my life with what I believe is depression. I hit down low last year, considering suicide but I managed to kind of pick myself up a bit. I tried getting help from my parents (I was 18 when I told them, now 19) but they pretty much laughed and said I wasn't depressed. I guess crying for no reason, inability to sleep, always tired and aggravated, and being unable to feel happy was just all in my head to them.
Well, I can say that I'm somewhat better, depression wise. I'm not really suicidal anymore but there are its ups and downs. It's been hard when I've had no support from friends or family (family claims I'm just rude and horrible, and the one friend I told left me because she didn't want to be with a depressed person), but I'm kind of getting better. It just depends on a lot.

Well, besides depression, I also have anxiety attacks sometimes, just out of the blue. Nothing causes them, and they feel like a heart attack... but I haven't had one in a couple of months so that's positive. However, the main thing I'm struggling with is my sleep habits. For the past few years, I struggled waking up every morning, often turning off the alarm without even knowing of it, sleeping through it, or being overly confused in the morning when I do wake up. Over the past year, my sleep pattern has shifted even more. Before, I would often sleep at 2 or 3 a.m and wake at 6:30 a.m. for school, so I never was able to get a good night's rest. I just could not fall asleep, no matter what I tried. Fast forward to now- I'm ONLY able to fall asleep between 4-6 a.m. and wake up around noon. Even when I get over 8 hours of sleep, I still feel tired and drowsy. Even 12 hours of sleep does not make me feel rested... I don't even remember when I woke up from being full rested and not by having over 5 alarms go off. The weirdest thing is, I'm practically an owl... meaning, I'm tired when there's light or if I'm sitting at night with a light on, but I grow completely awake when the lights go off and when I attempt to sleep. I could be on my laptop or just sitting in bed when there was some source of light, but as soon as the lights go off, I'm awake again. After doing some research, I believe I have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, along with anxiety and depression, none of which I'm able to get help for. So I don't know what's happening to me but it's taking its toll. I no longer can stay awake during the day, no longer think clearly, and I have no way of getting myself to a doctor to help me. I want help, I don't care what it takes. Over 4 years of feeling miserable is too much, and I want help but I don't know how or what to do. I can't just take myself to a doctor because I'm on my parent's plan, and they don't believe depression or any of this is "real". A family member of mine has abused the drugs used for these disorders, and so they think it'll ruin my life if I become medicated. Seeing I came close to killing myself, I think that should be the last of their concern.
Anyways, any advice on what is going on with me or what I should do? I'm very lost.
 
You likely just have a repetitive, uninspired life with little social interaction. You need to get out and do things that are new and fulfilling. Lack of stimulation makes you tired and depressed, it has nothing to do with sleep.
 
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Why do you feel sad? Was there a big moment in your life that caused you to feel this way and it keeps coming up?


I'm positive your family misunderstood the gravity of the situation, remember that they do love you, if you really want them to be aware of this try sitting down with them again and they may understand it when you put it all into perspective.

Don't stress so much about your sleep pattern! If you flew to another country for a holiday, I am sure the jetlag would bring you back into a much earlier sleeping pattern in the "real time" over there. Plus not everything great is in the daytime, there are things to do at night and there are a lot of night jobs out there that pay extra money! $$$$

Yayayay dollars!


Don't think about ending your life again, truly there is a whole world out there that you haven't had a chance to experience. I'm not seedy or anything but if you are feeling down and need someone to speak to, don't be afraid to shoot a PM, no-one has to feel this way alone. <3
 
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What kinda drugs have you been using? List all drugs you have done throughout your life and the amounts. Where did you get them? What do your friends do for a living and what kinda drugs have they done?
 
I've been trying to get out more but most of the time, I have no motivation to leave my room. I've been hanging out with friends more and going for walks/exercising, but nothing has really helped.

I think a large part of me feeling depressed is because I have a genetic disease which has caused me to have over a dozen major surgeries, tons of broken bones and numerous hospital visits. It prevents me from doing things I've dreamed of doing, and knowing there's no cure has put me down for years. Plus the whole "best friend leaving me after 10 years with no real explanation" really made things worse along with everything else. I'm currently planning for another surgery in March, and possibly anothr this year, so I'll probably be a wreck again. And yeah, sleep pattern has always been a problem not exactly to me, but to my family. They give me a hard time about it and accuse me of being lazy and useless, even though I get everything done at night. Meh.

And to anwer the drug question. I've never done drugs or taken any (besides the strong hospital drugs from surgeries). I hang out with a good group of friends who aren't into drinking, partying, drug use, or anything. I did drink for a short period of time but they've helped me change my decisions. So I'm not currently using any substances what so ever.
 
I've been trying to get out more but most of the time, I have no motivation to leave my room. I've been hanging out with friends more and going for walks/exercising, but nothing has really helped.

I think a large part of me feeling depressed is because I have a genetic disease which has caused me to have over a dozen major surgeries, tons of broken bones and numerous hospital visits. It prevents me from doing things I've dreamed of doing, and knowing there's no cure has put me down for years. Plus the whole "best friend leaving me after 10 years with no real explanation" really made things worse along with everything else. I'm currently planning for another surgery in March, and possibly anothr this year, so I'll probably be a wreck again. And yeah, sleep pattern has always been a problem not exactly to me, but to my family. They give me a hard time about it and accuse me of being lazy and useless, even though I get everything done at night. Meh.

And to anwer the drug question. I've never done drugs or taken any (besides the strong hospital drugs from surgeries). I hang out with a good group of friends who aren't into drinking, partying, drug use, or anything. I did drink for a short period of time but they've helped me change my decisions. So I'm not currently using any substances what so ever.

I just cannot believe that your family (I mean, I do believe you it is just hard for me to grasp), with all of the medical issues you have had going on in your life, doesnt think that you are depressed if you say you are!! My gosh, all of that is enough that it would be surprising if you weren't depressed!

There is an easy way around the issue with not being able to go to a psych doc for the depression because you are on your parent's medical insurance. You said you will be soon going in for another round of surgeries..talk to you medical doctor next time you go for an appointment. Tell him what is going on and that you have even been to the point of some thoughts of suicide and all of the other issues. Explain to him like you did to us about your parents reaction..tell him that you are desperate to get some help as you do not want to continue to live this way. I am very sure (if he is any kind of doctor) that he will have no problem writing you a referreal to mental health. He should also not have a problem telling your parents that it is a very necessary thing and that it is his professional opinion that you really need to see someone..surely they cannot argue with the doc telling them it is totally necessary for you to see someone.
 
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Sounds to me a classic case of bipolar 1 with possible manic tendencies.

Do you often find it hard to save money? Do your mood swings feel like a rollercoaster... Or more of a teeter totter. Like is there leading ups and downs or do you just snap.
 
I just cannot believe that your family (I mean, I do believe you it is just hard for me to grasp), with all of the medical issues you have had going on in your life, doesnt think that you are depressed if you say you are!! My gosh, all of that is enough that it would be surprising if you weren't depressed!

There is an easy way around the issue with not being able to go to a psych doc for the depression because you are on your parent's medical insurance. You said you will be soon going in for another round of surgeries..talk to you medical doctor next time you go for an appointment. Tell him what is going on and that you have even been to the point of some thoughts of suicide and all of the other issues. Explain to him like you did to us about your parents reaction..tell him that you are desperate to get some help as you do not want to continue to live this way. I am very sure (if he is any kind of doctor) that he will have no problem writing you a referreal to mental health. He should also not have a problem telling your parents that it is a very necessary thing and that it is his professional opinion that you really need to see someone..surely they cannot argue with the doc telling them it is totally necessary for you to see someone.

My main doctor who does the surgeries does not specialize in this, so unfortunately he would only tell me to go to a professional which is what I need... but I'm very scared to bring this up again. Unfortunately, a lot of people look at me and think I'm always happy, and I could NEVER be depressed. 99% of the time, it's an act. The few moments of joy I get are with a few good friends, but that's it. Plus, after already telling my family and closet friend (who I thought should know in order to get help) blew me off and practically denied the fact I had anything wrong with me, I lost a lot of confidence in bringing this up. My parents think depression and anxiety are just excuses to abuse drugs because my cousin is a complete wreck after she became addicted, and they pretty much think the same thing will happen to me. Seeing I've been on some of the strongest drugs there is during/after surgeries and never became addicted or even wanted them, that wouldn't happen... but I'm not saying medication is the answer either. They deny getting me help what so ever. I would also think that it makes sense that the events in my life would lead to things like this, and they have... but no one in my family accepts it. In fact, I told my mom today if she could help me out with my whole sleep pattern thing (I mentioned the possibility of sleep disorder) and basically asked her to just be understanding as I go about trying to fix this, as in please refrain from insulting me. I told her it's honestly not my fault that my sleep schedule is different than everyone else's, because I've tried and failed to fall asleep "like a normal person". That led to an argument and accusations of me just making excuses for everything, etc. So I'm very nervous to tell anyone after being turned down by my own family for help. I'm terrified to tell anyone personally that I need help. That's the only thing that is stopping me.
Sounds to me a classic case of bipolar 1 with possible manic tendencies.

Do you often find it hard to save money? Do your mood swings feel like a rollercoaster... Or more of a teeter totter. Like is there leading ups and downs or do you just snap.

Nope, in fact I save money a lot and rarely buy anything for myself. Mood swings occur sometimes, depending on who I'm around and what is going on. I'm very irritable around my own family and prefer to be alone or with friends, and sometimes I get moments of pure stress where I feel like screaming. But if I'm home alone, I'm generally okay... the random cry spells have kind of passed, but I sometimes get them at night when trying to sleep. Certain things make me snap completely though, 99% of the time it's family. Hopefully that changes since I plan on moving out next year...
 
Then I wouldbt consider you manic but definatly at least depressed and possibly bipolar 2

You should explain to your parents your brain is an organ just like your heart and lungs. And just as a person can have heart disease or asthma your brain definatly has its own issues. Not onlytthat but it's so more complicated than any other organ we have... We can't even explain how it works

Don't be ashamed to need meds. It's believed to be a physically induced imbalance in your brain. I have asthma which is an imbalance to your lungs and without my meds I'd be dead

Its like saying a person hving a heart attack will pull through just fine without an asprin. Sure... They might. Or could be damaged fo life... Or worse
 
I've tried... I told my mother first last year, breaking down crying and telling her how I had felt the past few years and for me, that's HUGE. I don't show my emotions well or can have conversations like that, so that was a huge step for me becoming more open with my family. Except, it backfired. She laughed and said "ha, yeah you don't have depression" even though I tried explaining to her what causes it, and how I can't control it. At this point, they won't help me with this because they don't understand what it really is. I'm still on my own, but I've reached the point where I'm done trying to fight it. 5 years is a long time, and I really just want it to stop.

If I could just get myself to a doctor, I think I could talk to them 1 on 1 fine and explain what is going on, but I don't want my family or friends knowing. Does anyone have an ideas as to how I can get help, whether it be from medications or just a doctor's visit, without my parents knowing? I know I can't afford it myself so I'd have to use their insurance but they're bound to find out. Even if I told them again that I need help, they would straight up refuse to take me somewhere.
And thanks for the help to everyone who's responded. I'm just flustered with everything going on right now and what's ahead of me, and having no support is taking its toll.
 
You shouldn't let the surgeries get you down so much, obviously you'll think "well your not the one having to cop it, are you?" Well, no I'm not, but there's soooooo many people in the world that also suffer like cancer patients or people with amputees, that try and make the best out of their situation and they do! Many people suffering will often inspire me in so many different ways.


Really you shouldn't give up on hope for a brighter future. This is a terrific century that we live in with consistent advances in the medical field in one way or another, if there is no hope for a cure/vaccine or anything then there would surely be other research being done on how they can make the lives of the patients much more bearable.


You can always count on support from people on BL that's what I've always found. =D
 
Down here at least mental health is covered by the state. Afterall the largest mental health facility in the nation is prision. So if they can keep some of us crazies outa jail they win.

They are affectionatly refered to as behavioral health centers. Just look oneup in your areea and try a visit

Here you sign a HIPPA law and even if you run into your psych at walmart they will pretend they don't know you... To respect your privacy.

If they think you need meds they will put you on some. Granted they pretty much always will but nobody on this earth is totally normal. Everyone could use a good anti depressant time to time.

If it was a recent thing I'd say just go for counciling but since it's been an issue for so long it could be something more serious.

In the end nobody knows you better than you. You just gotta ask yourself.

DO you need help?
 
Sophie, I hope that you will assert your need to talk to someone (a counseler, psychologist first--you don't need to go right to a psychiatrist) with your family despite their dismal reactions. Your friend and your mom sound like they are simply trying to protect themselves. People often feel threatened by not being able to "fix" something that is hurting someone they love. It makes for some horrible reactions that actually hurt the people they love more than the original hurt. Sounds like that is what is going on with your family and your friend. Minimizing how you feel is a way that they can hide from their own feelings of fear and loss of control.

Talking to your surgeon about wanting a referral might be the best thing for you to try. Your surgeon should care about your total well-being. He or she knows that healing will not be fostered by a stressed mind. Tell him or her that your family has not been receptive and that you need an advocate to getting some psychological help. Hopefully he can frame it differently for your family and make it less threatening to them. You deserve a place where you can feel safe talking about your situation. Feeling safe means a place where you can express your fears, anger, sadness and anxiety that arise from your physical condition without anyone trying to talk you out of those feelings. You have enough to deal with without having to put on an act for the benefit of everyone around you! Look for a professional who has experience teaching mindfulness techniques. I think that could be really helpful to you.

Keep us updated on what is happening as you try to find some support.<3
 
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