Tired of feeling trapped

[Hector]

I feel trapped. I've abused benzo's and alcohol on a near daily basis for over a decade and as a result my receptors are fried to the point where it may take up to two years for them to recover and not necessarily fully. Why abuse these drugs for so long, well severe anxiety which manifested from years of physical and verbal abuse. Also, smoking weed for a number of years even though it made me paranoid. I justified that insane behaviour because i was lonely and people who i thought were friends claimed they wanted to spend time with me even though i learnt the hard way they were in fact taking advantage of and watched me slowly detoriate. Maybe to make them feel better in themselves. They were unemployed, violent, losers.

I'm not drinking anymore or using any other drugs apart from benzo's but i feel lost and afraid without them. They've become like a safety net. I've had periods of clean time but the PAWS were so overwhelming i couldn't continue and that only made me feel worse.

On the positive side of things, i've started exercising and i'm seeing a psychologist as well as attending groups for people who also struggle with anxiety. I'm also thinking of going back to NA but i couldn't wrap my head around it. Praying, god, higher power, well where the fuck have they been when i've needed help and what about all the shit going on in the world at the moment. What are you up to god, playing chess with the devil?

One last thing, i'm not on any medication other than a mood stabiliser which i take for my epilepsy. The doctors i've seen just sent you off with a script for an SSRI and hope for the best. Tried so many and found very little relief and some of the side effects were horrendous. I hear in the US doctors are more likely to prescribe MAOI's which i've read so many positive reports on. Ask a doctor over here and they pretend like they can't hear you.

I'm fed up of popping pills to feel 'normal.' Has anyone experienced improvement with alternatives such as herbals, gabapentin, ugh, i don't know where to turn or what to do there's so much conflicting information about.

If some of you could please post some success stories, i'd be really grateful. I need hope. Thanks.

 

[simco]

Hi, Hector. I'm sorry to hear you bad you're feeling. I empathize deeply--I also have juggled addiction and psych problems/treatment/meds. Feeling trapped is unfortunately a very good way to describe the predicament.

But, I'm also VERY impressed at how well you're handling these issues. I think you're on the right track. The down side, however, is that progress in this arena comes slowly--or sometimes in fits and starts. You mentioned PAWS...that shadow can hang over us for a long time.

You asked for success stories, so I'll tell a bit about mine (though it's very much a work in progress!). I have had major depressive disorder for my whole adult life. I've been scripted various meds for that (including clonazepam) since 1998. Until about 4 months ago I was also pretty deep into heroin addiction. The feelings of worthlessness and dread about the future got so overwhelming that in August of 2016 I made several suicide attempts. The exact way I described my headspace to the doctors in the psych hospital after that was as 'a feeling of being trapped.' I simply couldn't see a way that things could improve in my life.

After getting out of the hospital (and one brief heroin relapse), though, I did start to pick up the pieces. I got serious about my recovery--going to an outpatient rehab, getting onto MAT (using vivitrol...not something I recommend for everybody), removing stressful but unnecessary weights from my life, and most importantly, building a network of people who have my back whom I talk to very often. And yes, I started going to NA meetings regularly. I know NA is a profoundly mixed bag, and for many people its liabilities outweigh its merits. Even I wrestle with it...but the thing I'm trying to say is that I brought *everything* I could find to the table, and I've been using those things to make life better.

Of course, my life isn't a bowl of cherries. Today, for instance, my mood is low and anxiety is up. I woke up thinking about using again. But I've now survived almost 5 months without heroin, and I've managed to reclaim some of the dignity and freedom that I had lost before. In general, my life is much better now than it was even a short time ago. I wish it would get better faster, but I've had to learn that deep change is pretty slow, and that I need to learn to tolerate that pace.

Again, you are doing great. Just keep trying to find the right way forward--stay motivated--and I have every confidence that you'll see improvements, at LEAST with respect to PAWS.

I hope you'll let us know how things go for you as you move forward.
Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

I too would love to hear from some folks who have found success getting off gabaergics like booze or benzos. We did have Moreaux, and she's still around somewhere or other, but SL seems to mostly get a lot opioid folks these days. Such are the times (at least over here in the states). It's really though employing non-pharmacological aids to address the effects of life post gabaergic substance use. The withdrawal syndrome seems to just linger and linger and linger.

Have you ever tried Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction? They if you can get down to Oxford they have a great clinical mindfulness based program there that I hear really good things about.