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Tired of casual sex

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washingtonbound

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
572
Location
FL
I'm 29, almost 30 now, and I'm starting to get tired of pursuing casual sex in general. I do have a high sex drive, but I'm starting to look at it just as a biological thing rather than something I care to engage with. I don't connect with women very well and haven't really been in a committed relationship in my life, but have had around 30 casual partners. Now it is not even interesting for me anymore, and messing around on stupid apps like Tinder and Bumble is just getting old. I can't tell if I would like to try a relationship out with someone, if I ever found someone I remotely liked, or if I ought to just stop all pursuits entirely. The latter options seems like it may be better for my mental health.
 
i have read many of your posts, and we even had some pm conversation.
what i think would be best in this case for your mental health would be to not overthink this whole age and shifting priorities issue.
even if there are thing you can steer in one way or the other, for the most part life just happens. and it happens to each of us in it's own unique way.
for example i always thought i would never be in a living together relationship with someone. simply because i never wanted such a thing for me. and guess what - i met that one guy and we lived together for almost 8 years and i even helped him raise his kid.

the important thing is that you find something that gives *you* a good feeling about your life *today*, and be open to possibilities and opportunities.
because you need to be in a good head space to decide how you want your future to be, and see when the chance for some healthy happiness presents itself (in whatever form, at whatever time)
 
lecroute said:
i have read many of your posts, and we even had some pm conversation.
what i think would be best in this case for your mental health would be to not overthink this whole age and shifting priorities issue.
even if there are thing you can steer in one way or the other, for the most part life just happens. and it happens to each of us in it's own unique way.
for example i always thought i would never be in a living together relationship with someone. simply because i never wanted such a thing for me. and guess what - i met that one guy and we lived together for almost 8 years and i even helped him raise his kid.

the important thing is that you find something that gives *you* a good feeling about your life *today*, and be open to possibilities and opportunities.
because you need to be in a good head space to decide how you want your future to be, and see when the chance for some healthy happiness presents it self (in whatever form, at whatever time)
Click to expand...
Wow that was really well put. I even learned something from that.
Big hugs to you and to OP too 💜
 
washingtonbound said:
I'm 29, almost 30 now, and I'm starting to get tired of pursuing casual sex in general. I do have a high sex drive, but I'm starting to look at it just as a biological thing rather than something I care to engage with. I don't connect with women very well and haven't really been in a committed relationship in my life, but have had around 30 casual partners. Now it is not even interesting for me anymore, and messing around on stupid apps like Tinder and Bumble is just getting old. I can't tell if I would like to try a relationship out with someone, if I ever found someone I remotely liked, or if I ought to just stop all pursuits entirely. The latter options seems like it may be better for my mental health.
Click to expand...
Well, you are going through your Saturn return, always a transformative time at best - but this sounds like a good thing to me - that you are gaining wisdom with age, and with that necessarily an understanding of consequences. I would step back from it all for a while and focus on pursuing other things in life. In my experience, we are most likely to find good romantic partners when we are living our own lives happily and productively, not just seeking out someone from desperation or loneliness. And a Saturn return is a great time to be more cautious and deliberate about what we do.

One question for you is why exactly do you want to have casual sex in the first place? Just because you’re horny? Or do you seek validation through it, or connection? What exactly is driving your actions? And what do you want out of life overall? What are your overarching goals? What is your purpose in this life?
 
fairnymph said:
Well, you are going through your Saturn return, always a transformative time at best - but this sounds like a good thing to me - that you are gaining wisdom with age, and with that necessarily an understanding of consequences. I would step back from it all for a while and focus on pursuing other things in life. In my experience, we are most likely to find good romantic partners when we are living our own lives happily and productively, not just seeking out someone from desperation or loneliness. And a Saturn return is a great time to be more cautious and deliberate about what we do.

One question for you is why exactly do you want to have casual sex in the first place? Just because you’re horny? Or do you seek validation through it, or connection? What exactly is driving your actions? And what do you want out of life overall? What are your overarching goals? What is your purpose in this life?
Click to expand...
I've mentioned in some other posts that I had many terrible episodes of drug induced psychosis from 19-27. Very bad episodes that led some people to think I would be a permanent vegetable. Luckily I have somehow made it out of that and haven't had psychosis in about 2 years. The problem is now, I'm having to basically build my life from scratch at almost 30 years old. I probably won't be able to collect social security much longer because I don't have any major reasons why I can't work at this point. Physical health is generally fine. With that being said, nor do I want to collect that forever, as it feels rather pathetic. I now realize I don't have many interests since I've left drugs behind, and my sober baseline is rather anhedonic and miserable. I would like to make friends, but can hardly stand being around people at the same time. I would like to get a life, but oftentimes feel too weak to do so. I don't think I'm stupid, and am sure I would feel better about myself having a job, at the same time I can't imagine what that job would be.

I would say I generally pursue casual sex out of boredom because I can't seem to find other ways to occupy my time constructively. Also, I didn't have much sex in my early twenties because I looked very young for my age, so maybe I'm trying to make up for it or something. Regardless, I need to get a life.
 
lecroute said:
i have read many of your posts, and we even had some pm conversation.
what i think would be best in this case for your mental health would be to not overthink this whole age and shifting priorities issue.
even if there are thing you can steer in one way or the other, for the most part life just happens. and it happens to each of us in it's own unique way.
for example i always thought i would never be in a living together relationship with someone. simply because i never wanted such a thing for me. and guess what - i met that one guy and we lived together for almost 8 years and i even helped him raise his kid.

the important thing is that you find something that gives *you* a good feeling about your life *today*, and be open to possibilities and opportunities.
because you need to be in a good head space to decide how you want your future to be, and see when the chance for some healthy happiness presents itself (in whatever form, at whatever time)
Click to expand...
Good points, I just don't seem to get excited about much at all nowadays, that's the problem. Not even my youtube channel or making beats anymore.
 
washingtonbound said:
I've mentioned in some other posts that I had many terrible episodes of drug induced psychosis from 19-27. Very bad episodes that led some people to think I would be a permanent vegetable. Luckily I have somehow made it out of that and haven't had psychosis in about 2 years. The problem is now, I'm having to basically build my life from scratch at almost 30 years old. I probably won't be able to collect social security much longer because I don't have any major reasons why I can't work at this point. Physical health is generally fine. With that being said, nor do I want to collect that forever, as it feels rather pathetic. I now realize I don't have many interests since I've left drugs behind, and my sober baseline is rather anhedonic and miserable. I would like to make friends, but can hardly stand being around people at the same time. I would like to get a life, but oftentimes feel too weak to do so. I don't think I'm stupid, and am sure I would feel better about myself having a job, at the same time I can't imagine what that job would be.

I would say I generally pursue casual sex out of boredom because I can't seem to find other ways to occupy my time constructively. Also, I didn't have much sex in my early twenties because I looked very young for my age, so maybe I'm trying to make up for it or something. Regardless, I need to get a life.
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Kudos on your honesty. At least you’re not lying to yourself. I’ve been pimping it a lot lately, but I really do think it could help so many - highly recommend this book for finding a purpose in life: https://www.amazon.com/Pragmatists-Guide-Life-Creating-Questions-ebook/dp/B079LRHPM7

If you can’t afford it you can also email them for a free e-book. They have a similar book all on sexuality & relationships too.

I could also take a look at your chart and make some suggestions possibly based on it, if you like. I’m not a professional astrologer, but I am at least intermediate level now.
 
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washingtonbound said:
Not really much at all lately aside from binging on xanax a couple months ago. No weed in about a week, very occasional alcohol use. Although I am still trying to kick nicotine for good
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Can you correlate your sexual apathy to any of the above?

It could be that they coincide. Quitting can be really tough on the body. Also a lot of the guys I know who engage in casual sex get kind of over it at some point. One of my friends is currently in a complete abstinence period as a result of just being done with it.

Maybe you’re just done with it.
Maybe you want something more significant.

Maybe you don’t want to be done with it and it bugs you that the pursuit isn’t satisfying you anymore.

How are you engaging with the concept of your own sexuality and are you comfortable just not having a sec life for a bit?
 
helpingout said:
Can you correlate your sexual apathy to any of the above?

It could be that they coincide. Quitting can be really tough on the body. Also a lot of the guys I know who engage in casual sex get kind of over it at some point. One of my friends is currently in a complete abstinence period as a result of just being done with it.

Maybe you’re just done with it.
Maybe you want something more significant.

Maybe you don’t want to be done with it and it bugs you that the pursuit isn’t satisfying you anymore.

How are you engaging with the concept of your own sexuality and are you comfortable just not having a sec life for a bit?
Click to expand...
I think the problem is that I would like something more meaningful but don't really find people I would consider being serious with. I don't exactly want no sex life, but the concept of pursuing it is getting a bit old. Eventually a relationship would be nice I think, but I never find someone who clicks like that.
 
washingtonbound said:
I think the problem is that I would like something more meaningful but don't really find people I would consider being serious with. I don't exactly want no sex life, but the concept of pursuing it is getting a bit old. Eventually a relationship would be nice I think, but I never find someone who clicks like that.
Click to expand...
That’s interesting to me. I find so many people I click with. It’s like I’m wading through clicking.
While you’re wading through boatloads of ass.

Do you tend to pick based off of appearance?

I used to feel like what you describe when I would meet people off what my eye liked.

When I started going off of raw attraction, do I like your air, your way of being, the way you talk about your interests, your desire to share your interests with me, and your openness to my own interests, I began to get a deeper sense of satisfaction from whom I was with.
 
washingtonbound said:
I think the problem is that I would like something more meaningful but don't really find people I would consider being serious with. I don't exactly want no sex life, but the concept of pursuing it is getting a bit old. Eventually a relationship would be nice I think, but I never find someone who clicks like that.
Click to expand...
Why do you think you fail to click with people? What are you looking for that you’re not finding?

Is it a lack of adequate physical/sexual attraction, emotional connection, or conversational/intellectual chemistry? Is it a clash of values? What exactly is going on?
 
helpingout said:
That’s interesting to me. I find so many people I click with. It’s like I’m wading through clicking.
While you’re wading through boatloads of ass.

Do you tend to pick based off of appearance?

I used to feel like what you describe when I would meet people off what my eye liked.

When I started going off of raw attraction, do I like your air, your way of being, the way you talk about your interests, your desire to share your interests with me, and your openness to my own interests, I began to get a deeper sense of satisfaction from whom I was with.
Click to expand...
For sure just being more in touch with your instincts can really help, but it also depends on your instincts. If they’re not fine tuned they can also lead you wildly astray. But on average, I would say that overthinking is more common these days then being in touch with one’s instincts/intuition.
 
I feel the same. I get tired of the games. Too much of that makes you shift gears. Sex loses its joy. Because it's like a lot of things like money and fame. They know these evils are easy to succumb to, so they just rip you off, take the Mickey, and so on.

So I guess something that's supposed to be a fun little time-killer, then feels stressful, and you can take a bitter approach going forward.
 
I feel like you are being too hard on yourself mostly due from the kinda expectations that society places on us. When you consider “getting a life” what does that concept represent to you? And who’s determining what that looks like?? Is it the life that makes you happy or a life that society determines successful?

Whose terms are you agreeing to? Why not write your own? And you don’t have to be with someone. You are enough just you. I’m not sure how this can be for a man but I know as a woman we’re definitely encouraged to feel like we’ve failed if we end up alone. BUT thats because there’s nothing like a female thats gotten comfortable being alone. We are unstoppable. Stop holding yourself accountable to everyone else’s terms and take this time to figure out your own. ❤️
 
I deleted my thread, since getting mad over hookers scamming me is pointless.
 
Kaori said:
I deleted my thread, since getting mad over hookers scamming me is pointless.
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You are aware that others put effort into their replies and those replies might hold valuable information for others?

But OK, it was your thread and you have the right to delete it.
 
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