Tired and stuck

[Concrete]

I'm in my late twenties and have never been in a relationship in my life whatsoever. I haven't had it easy. In my teens I began to gain tremendous weight and feel tired all the time out of the blue for seemingly no reason. After my high school was complete, it got so bad that I had no choice but to give up on going to college. I had to spend all this time at home barely going out, because I experienced constant pain and burning. Later, the cause was found to be a severe hormonal imbalance. I was given a drug by an endocrinologist, and started being able to lead a normal life and go out again within about two years.

You must imagine though how difficult it must be to try to start building a life out of nothing when you've been sheltered for so long. I haven't been totally cured, as there still remains tremendous, constant fatigue, and feelings of lethargy that I can do nothing about. I can only wait some more years to see if things will improve. A better diet and being more physically helps, but I always bump against an invisible ceeling.

Another thing that doesn't help was that as I was ill, my family would often insult me, tell me I'm a useless parasite, and someone would even hit me and terrorize me. I have moved on, but I have never gotten any of them to apologize. I have given up on it.

In college I was half-asleep and had no attention at all in class. I had so little energy that I almost never did my homework, never studied, and never cleaned up my apartment.

I still tried to go out and meet people, and I succeeded to an extent. But, these efforts were dampened by the fact that I am in an energy-saving mode all the time. I am reasonably socially adept, but yet extremely quiet, react very little, have little in the way of spontaneity. Not necessarily because I am introverted, but because it takes serious effort for me to do basic things.

I still managed to complete college, but only found odd jobs for about two years. It got so bad that I decided to leave New Brunswick, the Canadian province where I live, for Ontario. As a bilingual individual, tons of job opportunities opened up to me.

Unfortunately, it proves to be a social dead-end as well. I simply can hardly meet anyone, and hardly bond with anyone. I've made a list of all the groups that seem approachable to me, but after attending them, I go back home alone and haven't progressed time and time again. I have been here for 6 months, and I don't like it. I feel lonely, and people are indifferent, materialistic, and standoffish.

I see my time running out, unable to make progress, and dealing with the remnants of an illness which seems to poison all my chances of being intimate with someone and taking back a place within society.

I feel ashamed and good-for-nothing all the time. At work the other day a customer sent me an e-mail with a question. He spoke of me with such respect and esteem. Still today when I think of it, I feel like cowering, I feel "Why was this person respectful of me when I am garbage?". In life I will always have such gut reactions that I cannot control.

Before you suggest it, I have tried to see a therapist in the past, and to use drugs. In both cases there was no improvement at all. And frankly, I don't believe in these methods at all. To me it is snake oil, and usually people have situational problems.

I don't know why I registered here, I guess I'm just completely out of outlets. I try to remain upbeat and take it one day at a time, but all I can see is that I am totally stuck and have no hope left. I think if I wouldn't have my cat I would already be dead.

 

[Tude]

Sounds like you've had a tough life indeed. Is it viable for you to relocate yet again? Maybe somewhere else where people are more friendly?

 

[Lysis]

concrete, are you taking the drugs given to you by your doctor as prescribed?

 

[done juan]

in my twenties also and never been in a proper relationship. had a few 'fuck buddies' and 'arrangements' but i would like to settle down soon with drugs and alcohol out of the equation maybe. i dont know why you are feeling worthless, you do what you want to do, never mind what others think.

 

[KAYLA2010]

I think I you just continue to take the medications as prescribed your quality of life will get better. Have you been diagnosed with depression or any other disorders that may have raised because of the hormonal imbalance. And social issues? What medications are you taking how long have you been on them?U

Anyhow cheer up it gets better!

 

[Concrete]

Sounds like you've had a tough life indeed. Is it viable for you to relocate yet again? Maybe somewhere else where people are more friendly?

I am limited in these options to places where I have chances to make a living, which are few. Not to mention, I am not a native English speaker. I moved in an English environment, thinking it would make people curious about me and be of help, but overall it makes things worse. I lack in spontaneity and comfort and it makes it harder for me to function.

The better option for me looks like going back to New Brunswick, in a French-speaking region. I will be more comfortable there, however all the same problems will still exist.

in my twenties also and never been in a proper relationship. had a few 'fuck buddies' and 'arrangements' but i would like to settle down soon with drugs and alcohol out of the equation maybe. i dont know why you are feeling worthless, you do what you want to do, never mind what others think.

What I want most of all is being included with them. I do have some comforts, but what good is it when you feel totally shut out of everything and never had any intimacy?

concrete, are you taking the drugs given to you by your doctor as prescribed?

Yes, and I get followed regularly. However, it cannot drop an hormone below a needed rate, and makes these sides effect work. The hormone could drop more over the very long run, but right now all I can do is play the waiting game.

I think I you just continue to take the medications as prescribed your quality of life will get better. Have you been diagnosed with depression or any other disorders that may have raised because of the hormonal imbalance. And social issues? What medications are you taking how long have you been on them?U

Anyhow cheer up it gets better!

I prefer not to included specifics here, sorry.

I don't know what to do, because I really feel time is running out. I told myself things would get better at 16, then when I started taking the drug at 20, then when I went out again at 22, then when I started college, then when I got a degree, then when I got my first odd jobs, then when I moved out... and now I'm soon to be thirty, without having made any progress and being the man I want to be. I'm a firm believer that things don't get better by mere wishful thinking, but most of all by being proactive. The fact that I see myself getting older all the time really is alarming to me.

 

[Lysis]

Concrete, it sounds to me you're going through that stage after college and in your mid/late-20s where you go through some depression. I went through it. I wanted to be somewhere at 30 and I just kinda felt like I was a part of the machine called corporate and was going nowhere. I still have those feelings, and every 10 years I feel like I have new goals, new dreams, new thoughts and I get depressed that I haven't done what I wanted from the beginning.

Is it possible you might just be going through one of those phases?

 

[thujone]

Concrete, I think your problem has to do with you being humble enough to consider yourself garbage. You have to come to terms with the reality of your situation and stop thinking about it in the context of 'my time to become someone is running out!' Do what it takes to build some pride in yourself, taking pride in yourself and your interests will make it easy to just speak up and build connections with people. As for you deciding whether to move again, I've done it a few times and realized it's hard to grow roots when your head is in the clouds.

 

[SydneyGal]

I know you're not keen to share specifics, but may I ask what sort of methods you've used for meeting people? You mentioned going to different groups; were they dating-related, or interest-related? And did you become a 'regular' at any, or just go once?

Additionally, if there are plenty of job opportunities for you in Ontario, could you possibly look for a job where you'd meet more people?

In general, the places where people seem to make the most friends are work, study (college or continuing ed), sports teams / gyms / exercise classes, interest-related groups, parties etc. But when people have a firm group of friends already, they're often less keen to make new ones, so you're more likely to become close to other people who are new to the area than people who've been there their whole life.

Also, your family sound like jerks; so sorry they did that to you.

 

[Belisarius]

I feel ashamed and good-for-nothing all the time. At work the other day a customer sent me an e-mail with a question. He spoke of me with such respect and esteem. Still today when I think of it, I feel like cowering, I feel "Why was this person respectful of me when I am garbage?". In life I will always have such gut reactions that I cannot control.

Take it. I'm a firm believer in the precept that other people are sometimes--paradoxically--better judges of your character and merits than you are.

 

[llama112]

I know you said that you have tried to see a therapist before ... but have you really stuck it out? Have you tried more than one? Not all therapists are amazing. Not all are right for you. Sounds like you need to find one that really understands depression.

So you have a good job now? Awesome. Out of curiosity, do you live in a big city? Small village? I grew up in a small town and it was soooo hard to make friends and to bond with people. In a bigger city, there are lots more opportunities. Is it possible for you to move to a bigger city?

It sounds to me like a lot of your problems lie within depression and confidence issues.

 

[Concrete]

Concrete, it sounds to me you're going through that stage after college and in your mid/late-20s where you go through some depression. I went through it. I wanted to be somewhere at 30 and I just kinda felt like I was a part of the machine called corporate and was going nowhere. I still have those feelings, and every 10 years I feel like I have new goals, new dreams, new thoughts and I get depressed that I haven't done what I wanted from the beginning.

Is it possible you might just be going through one of those phases?

I found the way I felt before getting a job and after to be indistinguishable.

Before getting one I was actually expecting this sensation to come, but a few weeks after I started working, I realized I was already intimately familiar with it. For obvious reasons, I already felt alienated and lacking in purpose.

I feel ashamed and good-for-nothing all the time. At work the other day a customer sent me an e-mail with a question. He spoke of me with such respect and esteem. Still today when I think of it, I feel like cowering, I feel "Why was this person respectful of me when I am garbage?". In life I will always have such gut reactions that I cannot control.

Take it. I'm a firm believer in the precept that other people are sometimes--paradoxically--better judges of your character and merits than you are.

This is a person who didn't knew me.

I agree that there's nothing horribly wrong with me. However, you have to understand that these are visceral, uncontrollable reactions, due to never having been shown better after what I experienced. It isn't a logical, thought-out process.

People are nice enough with me, but it remains hollow. I will probably continue to feel uncomfortable in it until I experience genuine intimacy, a context under which these good feelings will touch me at my core, and have authentic meaning.

I know you're not keen to share specifics, but may I ask what sort of methods you've used for meeting people? You mentioned going to different groups; were they dating-related, or interest-related? And did you become a 'regular' at any, or just go once?

Additionally, if there are plenty of job opportunities for you in Ontario, could you possibly look for a job where you'd meet more people?

In general, the places where people seem to make the most friends are work, study (college or continuing ed), sports teams / gyms / exercise classes, interest-related groups, parties etc. But when people have a firm group of friends already, they're often less keen to make new ones, so you're more likely to become close to other people who are new to the area than people who've been there their whole life.

Also, your family sound like jerks; so sorry they did that to you.

I tried several. I went to a squash group, a Toastmasters group, a Amnesty group, a church group, a literary group, and a D&D group, and others I forget. Out of these, it only worked well in the D&D group. They didn't seem to care that I never had all that much energy to give.

As for the others, I was never able to take it further. People go and leave in a hurry once the activity is done, or all the time is spent listening to someone else holding out all the attention.

It also seems to become harder as I age. I sense that people have less time for activities outside of work and family obligations as they grow older and don't really want to expand their social circle like they did in their college days. This is an area where I have really fallen behind.

As for moving, I am already in a metropolitan area. There are lots of people here, there only seems to be very little in the way of making deeper connections. I will feel much better back at home.

As for a dating profiles, it results in me not getting any replies, replying to some profiles and getting a reply where the girl doesn't seem interested once in a blue moon that will ultimately lead nowhere. I have some qualities, but I am not sure I have a very exciting life to offer. All in all online seems to suck. I would much prefer to get to know someone a bit more first.

I agree that newcomers would probably be more welcoming. When I was in college, I volunteered to welcome new international students. There was a program where you could help a new international student to get around the area, adapt to the new culture and be available in case the person needed help. I did it for four straight semesters, with four different girls. In each case, they were very quickly integrated in pre-existing cliques in college and didn't need me anymore.

The problem for here is that the immigrants have big cultural enclaves and they stay in them. They really stick with their own kind. Back home, there simply isn't much immigration going on, if any. But I'll have the same motherly language, so I will have more in common with them.

As for my family, I have already forgiven them. It is written in Mat. 18:21-22 that you must always forgive your brother no matter how many times you have been wronged, so I prefer to be in the clear with the Lord.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

 

[SM0K3Y]

This is the issues that I see, and things that you can do to improve. I have not read all your responses, but per the original post I have a good idea the type of person you are. You were like me when I was younger.

First, obviously, is your lack of self esteem. I'm not sure if it comes from weight (are you still heavy???) or if it's looks, or if it's a deep down issue inside your mind of something that you feel guilt for (such as when you said "Why did he treat me with respect, I'm garbage")

Second, nothing comes over night. Change takes time. You need to decide what it is that you are looking for out of life or yourself and make changes. REALLY make changes. If weight is your issue, work on it. If it's acne, your actions, your clothing, whatever, work on it. But you really have to want it. A lot of times introverts (myself included) will think about changing things, give it a try once and quit after the 2nd fail.

Third, No one will respect you or think you are a great person, if you don't respect yourself or think that you are a great person (Yes this goes hand in hand with #1 almost directly, but kind of differently, I'll get to that) - You need to think of yourself as a good looking, awesome, fun person, and change yourself on the outside to fit what you think on the inside. I was heavy at a time (5'10 and 250lbs - which is 178cm's and 113 kilo's or about 18 stone for you UK guys) and now I'm currently 210 Lb's (about 15 stone or 95 kilo's) and I'm a lot of muscle. I ended up with abs, and started doing MMA like brazilian jui-jitsu and muay thai. You need to want something, and want to change. You have to put in the effort and change things from your mind to the real world. Your esteem can be low, but if you show that you are dominant, you are fun, you are whatever you want to be, people will think you are also. Whether you believe your own lies or not. You have to show that you are what you want to be.

You need to figure out a plan in your head, and match it with the outside world. No it's not easy, no it will not be overnight, but it is worth it. I went from angry violent introvert with select few friends, to extreme extrovert with people calling me every day of the week and multiple women sleeping with me casually.

Work on you. Don't worry about what your past has been like, don't let it shape your present or future. Choose what you want, put it in your mind, and match it with reality. I hope the best for you.

 

[jhon00]

^^^ This here is really good advice

 

[Concrete]

This is the issues that I see, and things that you can do to improve. I have not read all your responses, but per the original post I have a good idea the type of person you are. You were like me when I was younger.

First, obviously, is your lack of self esteem. I'm not sure if it comes from weight (are you still heavy???) or if it's looks, or if it's a deep down issue inside your mind of something that you feel guilt for (such as when you said "Why did he treat me with respect, I'm garbage")

Second, nothing comes over night. Change takes time. You need to decide what it is that you are looking for out of life or yourself and make changes. REALLY make changes. If weight is your issue, work on it. If it's acne, your actions, your clothing, whatever, work on it. But you really have to want it. A lot of times introverts (myself included) will think about changing things, give it a try once and quit after the 2nd fail.

Third, No one will respect you or think you are a great person, if you don't respect yourself or think that you are a great person (Yes this goes hand in hand with #1 almost directly, but kind of differently, I'll get to that) - You need to think of yourself as a good looking, awesome, fun person, and change yourself on the outside to fit what you think on the inside. I was heavy at a time (5'10 and 250lbs - which is 178cm's and 113 kilo's or about 18 stone for you UK guys) and now I'm currently 210 Lb's (about 15 stone or 95 kilo's) and I'm a lot of muscle. I ended up with abs, and started doing MMA like brazilian jui-jitsu and muay thai. You need to want something, and want to change. You have to put in the effort and change things from your mind to the real world. Your esteem can be low, but if you show that you are dominant, you are fun, you are whatever you want to be, people will think you are also. Whether you believe your own lies or not. You have to show that you are what you want to be.

You need to figure out a plan in your head, and match it with the outside world. No it's not easy, no it will not be overnight, but it is worth it. I went from angry violent introvert with select few friends, to extreme extrovert with people calling me every day of the week and multiple women sleeping with me casually.

Work on you. Don't worry about what your past has been like, don't let it shape your present or future. Choose what you want, put it in your mind, and match it with reality. I hope the best for you.

It used to be weight, however I have been of normal weight for a while.

The change I want to experience is, not being alienated anymore. It is something I have worked on ever since I got back in college. I don't know what else to do at this point. I can't do anything more about the hormonal roadblock that I have which saps so much of my energy away, and there are things I ultimately can't do by myself, like getting other people to be part of my life. Making intense exercise would be something that is completely impossible to me, as I get tired extremely quickly. It's already very hard for me to wake up in the morning, work for eight hours straight without stopping, and coming back home, all the while I am almost constantly on the verge of complete breakdown, both physically and mentally. I think of things like my birthday coming soon with no one to wish me happy birthday, the fact that I've never been able to hold a prolonged, substantial conversation with anyone ever since I moved here, and that the very few years of youth I have left will soon be gone in a puff of smoke. Just going through day to day feels like being a hamster running on his wheel. I have no point or purpose, I simply exist to accumulate money, eat and sleep. I am barely able to care about anything anymore that involves being by myself, after more than a decade of experiencing nothing else.

So long as this condition lasts, I will never have enough stamina to display dominant, flippant and aggressive behavior. This is something I have refused to accept for years, but that I ultimately recognized and accepted when confronted to the limits my body and condition constantly throw in my way. At best I can be of the strong and silent type, but nothing more.

I try as much as I can to find outlets, and it's not working. At this point this is all I have to give, and I am at my wit's end.

 

[SydneyGal]

When I moved to NYC, I joined a really small shul and volunteered to sing in their choir; after going along regularly for weeks and weeks (mostly just to sing), I had made a few friends in the group. When I've tried to join larger shuls, especially the more conservative ones, nobody really cares about / particularly wants new members, so I'm either not noticed at all, or only noticed for the wrong reasons, i.e. that I haven't been going there forever and I'm not just like them. Since you like going to church, it might just be a matter of finding the right one? (which can take time and doing) Plus if you can make yourself useful to them in some way -- volunteer or just jump in to help with something -- the right group will be like, 'yes! we want him around! let's be friendly'. None of it leads to meeting the love of your life right away, but it can expand your social circle.

Also, if the D&D group was the best of what you've tried so far (which I presume was full of fairly geeky people), you might find the groups on meetup.com more your scene; seems to be where geeks-who-want-to-meet-new-people go to find one another.

It is tough moving to a new city, and takes a while to have any kind of social circle around you. It's a shame that your work isn't providing that; hope you find it somewhere else soon.

 

[SM0K3Y]

It used to be weight, however I have been of normal weight for a while.

The change I want to experience is, not being alienated anymore. It is something I have worked on ever since I got back in college. I don't know what else to do at this point. I can't do anything more about the hormonal roadblock that I have which saps so much of my energy away, and there are things I ultimately can't do by myself, like getting other people to be part of my life. Making intense exercise would be something that is completely impossible to me, as I get tired extremely quickly. It's already very hard for me to wake up in the morning, work for eight hours straight without stopping, and coming back home, all the while I am almost constantly on the verge of complete breakdown, both physically and mentally. I think of things like my birthday coming soon with no one to wish me happy birthday, the fact that I've never been able to hold a prolonged, substantial conversation with anyone ever since I moved here, and that the very few years of youth I have left will soon be gone in a puff of smoke. Just going through day to day feels like being a hamster running on his wheel. I have no point or purpose, I simply exist to accumulate money, eat and sleep. I am barely able to care about anything anymore that involves being by myself, after more than a decade of experiencing nothing else.

So long as this condition lasts, I will never have enough stamina to display dominant, flippant and aggressive behavior. This is something I have refused to accept for years, but that I ultimately recognized and accepted when confronted to the limits my body and condition constantly throw in my way. At best I can be of the strong and silent type, but nothing more.

I try as much as I can to find outlets, and it's not working. At this point this is all I have to give, and I am at my wit's end.

Well the ordeal with your hormones, is it something that can be remedied, whether it be now or in time?

I'm starting to understand your situation a bit better, what do you do for at your job? I assume it's deskwork and not leg work right? Due to your lack of stamina and energy, a desk job is obviously best. I don't know (and don't need to know) your occupation, but if your job is hindering your social life you may want to find a balance somewhere in a different occupation (or complete different occupation field all together)

Presenting dominance doesn't necessarily mean aggressiveness, though it is common for people who display aggressive traits to also usually be a type A personality (alpha's of the pack) The thing is, is that you don't have to necessarily be aggressive or dominant but if you present yourself in such ways (and make the right, logical decisions) people will think you are.

Everyone's outlets are different and you don't have to do boxing or MMA, that was just my outlet and just trying to prove a point. I would recommend maybe seeing if your manager would gather everyone for a work place event (such as a dinner, drinks at the bar, etc etc) and get to know your coworkers. That's always a good place to start for people that don't have many friends, they obviously share a career field and may share more with you than you think.

Let me ask you this question, what are you looking for out of your social life? A girlfriend? Friends to drink with at the bar, maybe something to do on a friday night? Are you more of a chess player rather than drinker? Find places and people that share hobbies with you. Honestly the newspaper for your area usually has a lot of stuff for people to get together. What do you prefer to do with friends on a friday or saturday with your free time if you had them? I guess I'd just really like to know the type of person you are and what you want to gain from relationships.