Time to quit

[Eligiu]

I relapsed in December last year due to a personal issue which caused me a lot of hurt. Long story.

Through December and January I was using 4-5 times a week, but then in February I decided to really cut back for my wellbeing and to make sure it didn't escalate back to what my life was like in 2016-2017 at the height of my use before I did outpatient intensive rehab.

Right now I've got it to once a week/fortnight. But I'm moving into a new, much larger apartment (studio to 2 bedroom) and as such my rent is increasing from $220 per week to $385 per week. It's affordable - minus my $250 a week/fortnight drug habit.

When I quit in 2017 I just stopped meth cold turkey. I didn't really experience many withdrawal symptoms except the feeling of boredom and like nothing was exciting or fun. I don't get comedowns or crashes from using though, which is apparently pretty unusual. I function fairly well.

The issue I'm worried about is less quitting. I don't doubt I can do that as I always pay my bills and part of why this relapse lasted so long was my financial position. I simply cannot afford to continue to use.

However, drug use to me is a mechanism of self harm, as is any substance use such as alcohol. It doesn't matter which one it is, the actual driving force behind it is a desire for self punishment. I learnt this when I relapsed. And the worrisome thing is, that is the exact same reason I engage in some forms of self harm (burning) and deliberate restriction of my eating.

I'm pretty concerned that once the drugs have been eliminated, that one of these other behaviours will slide in to place as that is precisely what happened when I went to rehab. In 2017. My friends were all (understandably) more concerned about my IV meth and occasional heroin use than anything else. The weed, the codeine, the cough syrup, the alcohol, that all got a free pass and a slap on the wrist.

The self harm was actually somewhat permitted as it was partly a form of communication by me. I am pathologically unable to initiate conversations with people about my mental state as well as I find it hard to name my emotions, so I often cut myself to prompt them to open up a discourse around how I was. They didn't encourage it, but it wasn't exactly discouraged at all. So it became somewhat engrained and I'm having to work really hard on undoing that now and trying my best to be vulnerable and open.

The restricted eating mainly resulted in friends feeding me because they'd ask if I'd eaten and if the answer was no (which it often was) then they would force me to choose something. My issues with food are complex and also influenced by my period of homelessness and poverty as well as Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder so I have a limited number of 'safe foods' I'm willing to try and I essentially refuse to deviate from them out of fear of dislike or wasting money. I'm genuinely attempting to work on that now by branching out with new types of foods, but it's a concern that I'll lose all my gains.

The issue that occured with my friends is because of the two tier system they created with 'accepted behaviour' and 'unaccepted behaviour' that I did generally avoid meth, for the most part over 5 years minus some single nights here and there. I used heroin once between 2017-2021. I did, however, frequently self harm, restrict my food, drink heavily, smoke weed, and abuse cough syrup. Because in my brain I knew I could 'get away with it.'

I've told all my friends they need to stay out of this issue. They had good intentions, but it actually caused the problem to remain unresolved due to how they viewed the behaviours. They didn't realise that the reason I use meth intravenously was the same reason I smoked a bong, or cut myself. As a result, 5 years post rehab I'm no closer to resolving this issue sans knowing where to start, thankfully. They've been informed that I'll still be honest with them about any aspect of my drug use they wish to be informed about, and they've told me they trust me to reach out for help if it comes to that. Besides that, they take little issue with my current level of use.

I just have zero clue how to address the main issue. How do I work through wanting to punish myself? It's not a drug addiction. I have a problem, of that there is no doubt in my mind. I also have no belief that I can ever use substances healthily, given I've never had that relationship with them. A behavioral addiction? I don't know. I can't go to a meeting for self punishment and working through that. And every time I go to therapy I seem to hit a brick wall, it's infuriating. A friend raised the possibility that the self punishment results from the abuse I experienced for being gender non-conforming as a child and that truly resonated with me. And it's an aspect of my history I've never fully addressed or looked into.

Would SMART meetings be able to help with other self destructive behaviours aside from drug use? Like, could I use them as a proxy to deal with cravings or triggers for self harm and restricting my eating? I just don't know where to go and I don't want to start this cycle all over again.

I was so proud of myself for my 5 years of working at recovery despite my occasional setbacks. But now I look back on it like nothing changed at all.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

@Eligiu I know it seems like nothing changed because you feel like you're back to Square One. But I'm pretty sure something did change and that is the fact that you were relatively sober for five years. That in and of itself is a major accomplishment. Like I said, you may be starting over on the quitting, but before the relapse you were able to quit and only have occasional setbacks. I think it's no secret that the Harm Reduction people say "relapse is part of recovery." I would look back and say, "Well I made it five years last time, how about a reset and five more years." Or 10 years or 1 year or whatever it takes to put the rig down for today.

I wish I had some advice on the self harm aspect but that is out of my grasp of knowledge. I can say that the last time I was in the psych ward, there was a guy there who would punch himself in the face until he had two black eyes and bruises all over the sides of his head. However he was unable to take responsibility for these actions because he insisted it was not him punching himself, but it was the 'entities' that were hitting him. I believed him when he said this and it seemed like an extreme case of self harm where, since he was unable to acknowledge that he was the one hitting him, he could not stop. The entities could not stop hitting him and he could not control the entities.

It doesn't seem like your case of self harm is like this and that you acknowledge that you are the one harming yourself and no one else. I am not trying to minimize your experience at all. I'm only trying to put it into context of my own experience of witnessing someone commit self harm. Maybe someone else can chime in and share some insight from first hand experience.

I'm not sure if you have seen some of my other posts about music but I truly feel that hearing a song from someone who appears to have been through what we have been through can be therapeutic somehow. I don't know if the person who wrote this song has actually done self harm but at minimum, he is speaking from a place of empathy. I don't know if what I am saying resonates with you at all, I just want you to know you are not alone



I don't know what to say to you
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want me to

 

[Eligiu]

@Eligiu I know it seems like nothing changed because you feel like you're back to Square One. But I'm pretty sure something did change and that is the fact that you were relatively sober for five years. That in and of itself is a major accomplishment. Like I said, you may be starting over on the quitting, but before the relapse you were able to quit and only have occasional setbacks. I think it's no secret that the Harm Reduction people say "relapse is part of recovery." I would look back and say, "Well I made it five years last time, how about a reset and five more years." Or 10 years or 1 year or whatever it takes to put the rig down for today.

I wish I had some advice on the self harm aspect but that is out of my grasp of knowledge. I can say that the last time I was in the psych ward, there was a guy there who would punch himself in the face until he had two black eyes and bruises all over the sides of his head. However he was unable to take responsibility for these actions because he insisted it was not him punching himself, but it was the 'entities' that were hitting him. I believed him when he said this and it seemed like an extreme case of self harm where, since he was unable to acknowledge that he was the one hitting him, he could not stop. The entities could not stop hitting him and he could not control the entities.

It doesn't seem like your case of self harm is like this and that you acknowledge that you are the one harming yourself and no one else. I am not trying to minimize your experience at all. I'm only trying to put it into context of my own experience of witnessing someone commit self harm. Maybe someone else can chime in and share some insight from first hand experience.

I'm not sure if you have seen some of my other posts about music but I truly feel that hearing a song from someone who appears to have been through what we have been through can be therapeutic somehow. I don't know if the person who wrote this song has actually done self harm but at minimum, he is speaking from a place of empathy. I don't know if what I am saying resonates with you at all, I just want you to know you are not alone



I don't know what to say to you
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want me to

Self harm is one of those interesting areas of mental health where it is truly impossible to understand unless you have personally experienced it. Not for lack of people trying, my old housemate desperately wanted to understand why I did what I did, but at the time I really wasn't able to cohesively explain the reasoning or the driving force.

I had on (now ex) friend in particular who was always very understanding of my self harm, in a way that very few other people were. Some of my friends who had in the past had minor issues with it never really judged me, but his response was a bit unique. I asked once why he never got on my back about it like he did the drugs, and he said 'because I know that nothing I can say or do will make you feel as bad as you already did to do this to yourself' and to be frank, he was right.

I later found out why he was so tolerant - I mentioned once how I felt really ashamed of my self harm due in no small part to it being generally seen as a 'teenage girl' behaviour and being a trans man I felt immense dysphoria about that. And I also mentioned how alienated I feel from people who don't understand it. He told me that he used to engage in it as well, in the past. We briefly spoke about it and he disclosed a small amount of information, but then stated that he doesn't talk about it much more than that and that was the extent of what he was going to say. So we left it there.

One of my new support workers I've noticed has scars on his arms, and he is also in recovery from drug use. So I'm hoping that I can gain some help or advice or just anything from his lived experience in these areas.

I do have a good understanding of my self harm at this stage of my life. Even the different forms of it occur for different reasons - cutting for communication, burning for punishment, drug use for punishment, starvation for punishment.

I think it's going to be a matter of catching myself falling back into these habits. I already cut myself again this week for the first time in months and wasn't thrilled about it, but there's not much I can do about it after the fact.

I honestly just wish I had another male person to talk to about this issue because that would help me immensely. Someone on the forum must have a history of engagement with that behaviour.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Self harm is one of those interesting areas of mental health where it is truly impossible to understand unless you have personally experienced it. Not for lack of people trying, my old housemate desperately wanted to understand why I did what I did, but at the time I really wasn't able to cohesively explain the reasoning or the driving force.

I had on (now ex) friend in particular who was always very understanding of my self harm, in a way that very few other people were. Some of my friends who had in the past had minor issues with it never really judged me, but his response was a bit unique. I asked once why he never got on my back about it like he did the drugs, and he said 'because I know that nothing I can say or do will make you feel as bad as you already did to do this to yourself' and to be frank, he was right.

I later found out why he was so tolerant - I mentioned once how I felt really ashamed of my self harm due in no small part to it being generally seen as a 'teenage girl' behaviour and being a trans man I felt immense dysphoria about that. And I also mentioned how alienated I feel from people who don't understand it. He told me that he used to engage in it as well, in the past. We briefly spoke about it and he disclosed a small amount of information, but then stated that he doesn't talk about it much more than that and that was the extent of what he was going to say. So we left it there.

One of my new support workers I've noticed has scars on his arms, and he is also in recovery from drug use. So I'm hoping that I can gain some help or advice or just anything from his lived experience in these areas.

I do have a good understanding of my self harm at this stage of my life. Even the different forms of it occur for different reasons - cutting for communication, burning for punishment, drug use for punishment, starvation for punishment.

I think it's going to be a matter of catching myself falling back into these habits. I already cut myself again this week for the first time in months and wasn't thrilled about it, but there's not much I can do about it after the fact.

I honestly just wish I had another male person to talk to about this issue because that would help me immensely. Someone on the forum must have a history of engagement with that behaviour.

Does your new support worker know about your self harm? Maybe once the two of you have a little rapport, if you feel comfortable, it may not hurt to ask about his scars. His experience may help you work through some of your own self harm.

 

[Eligiu]

Does your new support worker know about your self harm? Maybe once the two of you have a little rapport, if you feel comfortable, it may not hurt to ask about his scars. His experience may help you work through some of your own self harm.

Anyone who sees me in short sleeve shirts knows about my self harm, so he has probably seen the scars up my arms and just not passed comment on it due to not knowing how I'd respond. I know I'm probably going to self-harm over the next couple of days due to my dad not adhering to the no contact rule I put in place around my communication with him as I really want to avoid using meth but don't really have a better option and I did figure this would happen sooner rather than later.