thoughts

[k o z m i k]

In the deepest corner of ones mind, is the secret fear yet to be told. Too timid and scared to be revealed, unvailed to another soul. Leerking in the depth of the mind not wanting to be found and what can come out of this? How can one be helped out of this maniac depressive collapse? They cant be, its not possible it’s a living suicide that’s not going to be helped. A self destruction into a endless spiral of eternal lost faith overwhelming weakness. Cornered by ones own fears and lies, how do you get out how do you survive? Survival is another key problem in this altered life that this society has created…to live is to survive. No one questions why we should survive or why we shouldn’t its just CAUSE. Then you’re stuck in this worthless pit of despair and regret and lack of this and lack of that. Turning to your left “your not good enough” turning to your right “its all a mistake”. Shocked I am not, worried for whats to happen next is what eeries me into thinking I don’t want to be here. Take me to that place that you call eternity…peacefulness…I close my eyes to expose the idea to my mind and I see nothing. Your in my way. Your holding me down like a child and I cant fight you off. Your too over powering and its making me sick. I want to throw a punch that will kill you and make you disappear from all existance. Was it you? Was it you that made me feel that way, or was it me that made myself feel that way. How will I know im just me…just a me, not anyone famous, just me. I want to see eternity in a different light. But I cant. I cant because this is what I was suppose to see. Aahh, I cant help but wonder what if? Is this evil that I am feeling the evil I put upon myself? Was it an evil that was meant to happen because of this world’s exisitance. Ha I wonder but I can’t figure it out… thats the difference that is clear to me. I want to see this magnificant thing called life, to see it corrupts minds and see what it doesn’t want you to know. Maybe. Maybe someday, but I do know one thing I know that I am seriously fucked up and that its just another semi tragic story of one of the many people here. How can I be this person living on earth with no purpose? I want a purpose but I haven’t figure out what it was. I just want it to be something that I believe in. truly. Im scared, im really afraid of what?? I don’t know. I am not sure if I’ll be more frightened if I do know or just less worried.
if u made it this far down, its greatly appreciated and hopefully you can relate, if not be grateful.
peace

 

[veng]

Wow... To say "I can relate" would be to put it mildly. It's kind of liked jumping in a big pit and refusing people's offers to help you out. Only eventually you're ready to get back out and all those helpful people got fed up with your refusals so they left. Then, when you try and crawl out yourself it's just too deep and you figure "why waste my time trying?". Finally, you actually get to the top one day only to feel somebody's heel digging into your fingers... and you're down again.