Mental Health Those who struggle with addiction plus eating disorders

[AnythingEverything]

Firstly, Im not sure if this belongs here in mental health or in sober living / dark side so please move if appropriate.

So I've found since sharing about my struggles with both drug addiction and eating disorders in other threads, quite a few people have been able to relate. While I hate that other people are going through it, it is helpful to know there are others who can understand the very real and tangled web that is living with dual addictions.

I've shared my history several times but basically my disordered eating, along witj OCD behaviours started around age 7 due to stuff that happened to me at that age. These behaviours increased around age 10 when my parents divorced. By age 14 I found alcohol and then drugs to which I quickly became dependant on as a way of dulling my feelings and uncomfortable emotions. By 18 I was full blown anorexic, put on anti depressants by a psych who knew would make me put on weight due to losing that tight anorexic control. Everyone thought I was better but I was much worse, terrified of food but not being able to gain back that control, I became bulimic. I then discovered meth which felt at the time, to be the answer to everything, it gave me some relief from obsessing about food and body image and also made me less shy and insecure etc (which ultimately became worse over time obviously with daily use.) I started using heroin to come down from the meth and we can all guess how that went.

Trying to make this as brief as possible which is hard as its my life. I gave up drugs when I fell pregnant with my first child at 21 but the bulimia remained until one year ago (im now 38.). I relapsed on oxy, benzos and alcohol once i finished having children and went through some traumatic events (nearly losing our youngest child.). So in addition to depression, anxiety, bulimia, OCD tendancies, I was then dealing with PSTD and once again drug addiction. All while running a business 60 hours a week and raising 5, busy and talented/active/clever children. I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which I think is just a blanket term than encompasses all these afflictions.

Bascially I've been in recovery from the eating disoders for about a year now, im not sure why. I've been on 32mg suboxone and tapering benzos for 3 years and other than a few times smoking weed, I have stayed away from drugs.

I took up smoking (cigarettes) again about 18 months ago after quitting at 21 and desperately want to quit but the biggest thing holding me back is my fear of the bulimia or anorexia returning. I am TERRIFIED. I think most people that struggle with both eating disorders and drug addiction will agree that the EDs have such a tight stronghold on your life, and is so much harder to kick than drugs, even heroin and benzos.

What have other people found that has helped? I have not lived without some kind of addiction since I was 7 years old and the prospect just seems impossible, unknown and scary. I get addcited to everything, last year when I was earning a lot of money, I was obsessed with a particular clothing brand and would spend hundreds every week. Now im looking down the barrel of losing our house (which is currently rented out) and bankruptcy.

While im not acting out on my ed at this point, I am never without a cigarette and or coffee in my hand and I am so scared that giving these up will lead me back to acting out, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I also feel that im ok as long as I stay at my happy weight, but it shouldn't be like that, I just can't entertain the thought of being ok with being heavier.

I so want to be better. I've been in and out of therapy most of my life and am waiting to get into someone who does DBT which is supposed to be very effective for those who have BPD. I've found it hard to find a drug counseller than will touch eating disorders and vice Versa which seems crazy and they all come from the same place.

My kids are amazing but I fear that any of them will go through half of what I've been through. I don't want any of them to ever feel the way I do. I want them to be happy and I want to be happy.

Sorry it's so long, it's hard to summarise 38 years of life. Just interested to hear from others who struggle and those who have overcome.

 

[herbavore]

It is strange that you have not been able to find someone that will address both the addiction and the eating disorder. I agree 100% that they most surely share the same roots, not to mention that they both have an equally devastating effect on your life (health, relationships, etc). Maybe now is not the best time to quit smoking as it brings up so much terror of an ED relapse. I wonder if you could work with a therapist at an even deeper level and just address the fear itself that leads to self-destructive behavior and misplaced control? It sounds to me like you have been very brave and strong through all this and you have obviously made incredible progress. Don't stop and fall into the trap of thinking nothing has changed--you have already accomplished a lot!

 

[AnythingEverything]

Thanks. It doesn't help that my husband often tells me I've never done anhtnjbf to help myself in my life quite often. I've been in and out of different kinds of treatment my whole life. I got addicted again and I saw the problem and fixed it, I've overcome, for now a life long eating disoder, I've been fighting my own head my whole life so it hurts to hear that. I always admit when I'm wrong and where j need to improve.

I want to quit snoking as I see and feel the effects it's having on my health already after a short time, I chain smoke and already feel I look older, I cough, I have chest and lung pain. I was super fit and a PT prior to this as well as running a swim school so it's not me at all and it feels horrible. Plus it scares my kids and husband . I don't even enjoy it, it's jusr a replacement so I need to get into this DBT therapy asap.

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot and is nice to hear. All the striving has not been in vain.

 

[fired.up.aries]

wow u and I hav so much in common it literally baffles me, just reading this post! so first off, let me just say you are not alone. I commend u for posting difficult subject; on ED. I know expressing all my addictions can be nerve wracking. I hav battled w my ED way before I even knew wat the diagnosis was, & later came my drug addiction. I just started DBT therapy n it is helping yes n no. I'll never be cured. we both hav a life long battle that is marked with us forever. everyday I fight to survive. as a mom, friend, etc n I hate it w a damn passion some days! but I hav to radically accept the way things are. I hope you know we as addicts are very smart n damn special. we can teach our kids what we know as long as we stay strong. they need us to be their rock n shields! eaiser said than done tho. I wish you n your family the best.

 

[herbavore]

I think when you can get to the roots of your own suffering, you find that all addictions/compulsions stem from that same source. Doing all the hard work on the surface can be exhausting with endless relapse but doing the same (often scarier) work at the deeper level is what can lead you to equilibrium. By the time we reach adulthood we have been locking ourselves into so many false narratives about ourselves that it is hard to know where to begin to untangle it all. Working with a good therapist--and trusting him/her as nothing more or less than a guide (it's you who has to do the hiking!) can make a world of difference over time. Good luck to you both--you have a lot of courage to be where you are right now. Keep the faith in yourself.