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This is me

FkdItAllUp

FkdItAllUp

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 6, 2010
Messages
34
Location
Germany
I want to introduce myself, my life and my personality to you guys. Sorry in advance for my english, im a person who talks more with his heart than with his brain ;-) i hope you understand what im talking about though and that its not too difficult to read.

i see this forum is like an old big family, taking new people into their middle, sharing words, feelings, loneliness, happiness, joy and trust.
So ive already been welcomed warmly, i see im not alone in this blurry world full of blinking people, joining my life and passing by more quickly than i can react. Maybe im living too slowly or the earth is turning too quickly for me.

Since my depression started about 4 years ago i am more and more disliking the people around me. I dont trust, i dont love and i dont care about them. I dont know why, ive always cared more about others than about myself, maybe this caused my mental illness and my broken heart.
So no one is here anymore to take care of me and i think maybe i deserved it in some way. I dont believe in god but i often beg him to help me to make my life better or send me a person who does. Then i shout at him to stop making my life a fucking curse. But he wont get me, not yet i swear to him often and laugh at him.

Im into technology and cars, im having a hard time saving money that is left over. If i see some cool gadget and got sufficient funds, i need to buy it. It makes me happy for a couple of days. I liek driving my car, it gives me the feeling of freedom because i can drive wherever i want to and in summer when the warm wind blows in my face im all happy.
I react more to bad weather than i did when i was a kid. I enjoy blue skies and the sun, im more into nature than ever. Sitting outside in the rain at night makes me feel like washing away my sins.

I got 2 pair of shoes, one for work and one for my freetime. Theyre not in a good shape anymore but i dont care, i take a cloth out of the washing machine if i need one. Im not putting my clothes into a shelf or something. I wash a dish when i need it and when im hungry i go out and get some stuff for the fridge. I dont cook myself, i mostly eat to get full not for the taste. Well, not always. Melted cheese is just yammy :)

i often wear different socks because theyre all over the place and as long as they got the same color im okay with that because i dont think somebody would find out.
I like lying on my couch in the evening watching tv, drinking some beer and surfing the web. Around midnight im taking some of my beloved pills and fall asleep, waking up at 4 o clock in the morning, changing place to bed and sleep two more hours until my alarm goes for work.

Im not very open to people because i dont wanna get hurt again but i have no problems getting closer physically. I have a lot of love to give i think but its not very appreciated so i keep it in literally in a cage waiting to release it at the right time.

At weekends im often high and drunk from friday eve till sunday because i dont know what else to do and when i then feel so alone i start crying for a few minutes, get dressed and take a walk around the streets. It cheers me up seeing couples and friends laughing and having a great time together. This reminds me of my times when i went to school when life was easy and funny.
Im used to manage my life by myself but i wished there was someone who shared his time with me, takes me in his or her arms, drinks with me so i dont feel too ashamed, crys with me or just doesnt talk at all and just listens to my bullshit and doesnt leave me because its so embarrassing.

Well and here im sitting, writing and feeling a bit better than before. Now im going for one more coffee and a cigarette, no pills now i wanna visit my little brother tomorrow. Its gonna be a long ride so i need to stay clear.

Thanks for listening, guys. Hopefully this is not so embarrassing that you leave me ;-) oh wait you cant, thats cool :)

cheers,
ric
 
omg I so relate.
I hope you don't judge me because I've done a lot of serious hard drugs and found myself 10 years later in a blink, same shithole apartment, broke, dirty laundry everywhere, struggling to get out of bed because I was so depressed.

Even if I wasn't getting high, I felt alone and shy, had trouble holding a job and making friends.
It's gotten better though.
I have clean laundry now :D

(It's actually a lot better than that now, but we can talk more about that if want.)
 
how did you manage to change your life? Or how far were u able to change it?
we surely can take about that, mate. Im glad seeing you doing better :)
 
^^^Yes, I feel the best way to be a drug user is to clean your house/apt. every week, go to work on time with a smile on your face(sober, or on an easy medicine(you know what I mean), do your grocery shopping, banking, all with a smile knowing that once friday night hits....you have a bag full of goodies waiting. Wrap it up with something lite on sunday night, like some benzo's or good pot, and then wake up for time for work. Then, repeat. Sometimes being the robot "they" want you to be actually makes you feel happy which is a strange feeling.
 
i think like that aswell, waiting for friday the whole week, looking forward to get myself a lil doped. however, everyweekend is the same, im laying on my couch watching tv, drinking beer and get myself fizzy.

but i dont wanna live my whole life like that. ofc it helps but not on the long run.
 
Thanks ric.
I changed gradually by hanging around other people trying to stop too. I hung around at 12 step groups like AA etc, and though I don't like a lot of what they preach I met some cool people. People who understood.

I also tried some antidepressants & therapy (at a college for therapists which was cheap). I hated doing the meds. Hated it. But it actually made a big difference in my depression.

People say I've completely changed for the better. I have friends I actually like a lot of the time. What's even better: I have a _girlfriend_.

I've kinda gone two steps forward, one step back for years. Stay clean for a long time (days, weeks, months), lose a weekend, stay clean for a long time again. I've even put years together, and a lost weekend doesn't erase the progress of years.

I'm not "out of the woods". I know it. It's not all rainbows & ponies. Sometimes it's work, but I also have a shitload of fun too. (I fuckin went skydiving recently! WTF)

Ps. I used to go to work every day and smoke rocks at work... not nearly the plan theotherside26 is recommending... didn't work out so well for me :P
 
@safe: that sounds awesome! Youre definitely on the right path, thats cool :)
ive been trying to make friends for quite some time but it didnt work out (yet) but i think i still have some years in front of me :)
thank you for telling us your story, its very eyeopening!

love, ric
 
i just have visited a psychologist. total pain in the ass. she told me that she wouldnt prescribe me anything, that i have to go through my depression and panic attacks and only tell her stories at the appointments.
thats a no-go for me, neither do i want to face those attacks again nor could i do it at work. i need days to get back to normal which would only last for one to two days then.

im very hopeless atm, unsupported. i think ill go to a famous psychologic clinic in heidelberg here in germany for a few weeks. they must be good because theyre famous for what they do.
if they cant help me though im gonna help myself and pull the plug. im done.

eric
 
Going to one psychologist is like only trying one dealer on the corner.
If I can't get what I need from one, I try another.
If I've got a jones, I'll put a lotta effort into the hookup.

Point being, one or two fails are not worth cashing in my chips.
So that's my analogy.
I think the clinic is a good idea.

I don't know what kind of scrip you want right now, but when I really needed an opiate (to chill me out), I'd hit an emergency room.
I played it right they'd give me a scrip just to get me out of there.
The trick is to be convincing (I'm in pain and need something right now.) without acting so crazy I get locked up.

I've felt so fucking hopeless, like I'm buried under a mountain range, no way out, suffocating, gotta get the fuck out from under right the fuck now.
I didn't feel like anything anyone said or did was actually support or helped at all, it was just empty.
I didn't give up.
I do the simplest smallest thing I could do each moment to keep going.
Sometimes that was ditch work & hole up in my room under the covers.
Naps and food help me.

I was hopeless.
I've gotten better.
I hope you can to.
 
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