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This Christmas is another miracle in my semi charmed life

deficiT

deficiT

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Mar 7, 2011
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I don't know why I keep getting the benefit of the doubt from the divine. I have survived the seemingly unsurvivable, yet again. It doesn't seem fair to me, that I have been given so many chances to figure it out, and keep dropping the ball. While there are so many people out there, so many innocents and otherwise good people, that aren't even given one chance, let alone several.

I overdosed Tuesday morning, on heroin/fentanyl. There is still a pit in my stomach thinking about it, and I'm still trying to piece together how I feel about it. The circumstances are practically irrelevant. But, my girlfriends dog woke her up, and she found me unresponsive on the floor. I stopped breathing and she dialed 911.

It wasn't intentional.

I don't get it anymore. I was angry when I first woke up. The chest x-rays revealed that I had a case of pneumonia. My sinuses were filled with blood from that big tube they shove in your nose to keep you breathing. I was covered head to toe in bruises. I had been given two doses of narcan.

I snorted a ten dollar capsule of heroin around five or six in the AM. I had done maybe one other capsule throughout the previous few hours, and smoked a decent amount of crack.

I still don't really know how to feel. I can't tell my family about it this time. It would just demolish my mother. But I have to tell you guys, and hopefully it can serve as some kind of message of positivity.

I'm just happy I didn't gift her my death this year for Christmas. But I feel supremely awful about it. I can't stop fucking up. I don't know anymore what I can do to stop destroying myself. Well, I do, but I don't know if I'm capable.

I guess these holidays, don't forget how temporary everything is, and don't forget to hold your family close. They love you.

And I love you. God bless you all, and Merry Christmas.
 
Damn dude, I wish I had some advice but IMHO you give the best advice on the forums for things like this, so I don't know what I can say that you don't already know.

Alls I can really say is that we are in your corner.

And thank God for your girlfriend's dog. The closest I ever came to completing suicide, I took a bunch of pills and downed a bottle of Jack. Slept for 41 hours and the only reason I woke up was because my hungry ass cat jumped on my chest. I felt bad I didn't give her enough food to last two days but I guess I hoped someone would find my body before that amount of time passed. Anyways, this isn't about me. We are all glad you are still here, brother.

Maybe the ol' man upstairs is trying to send you a message that your work here on earth still isn't done. Peace to you and Merry Christmas right back atcha!
 
Damn my dude! I'm glad you're still with us.

I'm not religious at all, but damn if I'm not sure there's more going on than meets the eye and that I have some sort of guardian angel looking out for me.

For example I was a biochemistry major undergrad and grad student in pharmacy. While I liked the classes, it turns out I really hated working in a lab. I once worked in a lab where I had to knock out hamsters, slice them open and then wash/gather cells from their lungs, or some shit like that, while they were still alive, then toss them out. I really loathed that job and it was sucking the soul out of me. I didn't know what to do as without some work in a lab, my education was pretty much useless career-wise. What ended up happening is that I got locked up on a drug-related charge and I had to give it all up. A low period in my life for sure. BUT, I found my way into computer programming and pretty much my dream job working on computer games. Looking back, it all started from getting locked up. That's just 1 example, but probably the biggest.

You can most def borrow my guardian angel if you need to, but when you're done pass em back as I still require the service. :) (although it sounds like you really do have your own angel anyways)
 
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I tested the product in question. It was obviously fentanyl, but I knew that going into it.

I thought I had some narcan at home but I must have misplaced it at some point. I am going to acquire some more for emergencies ASAP.

To be completely honest, I had only done the one capsule Tuesday and that made me overdose.

The other couple capsules were still at home.

I started doing the rest slowly over the past couple days. It's almost gone. I don't think I'm going to get any more, but my sobriety is officially over and I don't think I'm ready to try for total sobriety again. I'm not going to stress about it today, but I have a lot to figure out, and it seems like there are villains and demons surrounding me that want to see me fail. But I will overcome, because I always do, and there is a reason for all of this, I just don't know the full story yet.

I love you all so much. My friends give me the strength I need to muddle through this roller coaster, and I consider you all my friends.

All my love ❤️
 
If you have any difficulty getting the Narcan, let me know. My needle exchange gives it out for free, two vials of the injectable naloxone with two IM syringes. Every time I come in, the staff try to give me some and they seem almost disappointed that I've already got it.

But also you need someone to give it to you. Is your girlfriend cool with being informed when you use? I think there's also an app out there for people using dope alone that can call 911 for an OD, but I don't know exactly how it works.

I remembered to bring the Narcan at the last minute before flying to see my parents for Christmas. (Had no trouble bringing it in my carry-on, FWIW.) We've got black tar, not fent, but after reading this I still felt damn grateful to have it with me.
 
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The old AA saying "just do the next right thing" is as annoying as it is correct. You don't need to overwhelming yourself with a long term plan. You don't need to fix your life overnight. Just look for opportunities to be better as they come.

The memorial part of this site is already long af. Don't need it getting any more cluttered with the core members of this place. Rip cap H
 
Fuck man. I just saw this. So glad you came out the other side. Though I know next to nothing about opiates it seems like all the advice to get a stock of narcan is really important. I’ll chip in with @neversickanymore to get you a six-pack of it as a late xmas present if you won’t get it yourself. We’ll gift wrap it in a big sheet of quality blotters and you can see if that a safer option!

Also, I feel a bit shitty for sending you a whole bunch of epic affronted messages recently, not knowing what you were dealing with. Sorry man.
 
neversickanymore said:
@deficiT grab that narcan yet❤️
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I haven't yet, but all of the dope is gone and I think I'm gonna get back on Suboxone as soon as I'm fully into this withdrawal. There's just so much I have to catch up with, and my life is slowly falling apart. Soon I won't be able to drive even.

Perforated said:
Fuck man. I just saw this. So glad you came out the other side. Though I know next to nothing about opiates it seems like all the advice to get a stock of narcan is really important. I’ll chip in with @neversickanymore to get you a six-pack of it as a late xmas present if you won’t get it yourself. We’ll gift wrap it in a big sheet of quality blotters and you can see if that a safer option!

Also, I feel a bit shitty for sending you a whole bunch of epic affronted messages recently, not knowing what you were dealing with. Sorry man.
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Yeah, as much as I yearn for peace, I know it's not my time yet and I have so much more to do and give. Hey no problem man, you didn't know it's all good I didn't take it personally.
 
deficiT said:
I haven't yet, but all of the dope is gone and I think I'm gonna get back on Suboxone as soon as I'm fully into this withdrawal. There's just so much I have to catch up with, and my life is slowly falling apart. Soon I won't be able to drive even.
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You can pull out of the tailspin!! No reason not to get the narcan.. often we can find ourselves doing what we fully intended not to.. and that’s when we are most vulnerable. Better to have it and not need it.

YOU JUST HAD A SIGNIFICANT OD!!
 
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Glad to hear that you're safe. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

As @RedRum OG said, just take things a day at a time. Wake up every day and find a small opportunity to make things a bit better for yourself, and it'll add up.

And if you need any help getting Narcan, I'd be happy to mail you a kit.
 
RedRum OG said:
The old AA saying "just do the next right thing" is as annoying as it is correct. You don't need to overwhelming yourself with a long term plan. You don't need to fix your life overnight. Just look for opportunities to be better as they come.
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Wise words. It really does not matter what we did ever, it only matters what we do going forward. That is for everyone and anything.

I gave up thinking there is such a thing as sobriety because there is not. We all need shit. So I ended up making peace with my usage. Also found much smarter ways to get high. Street dope is out due to fentanyl.

Sounds like you are solid here for a bit deficiT. Of course keep using the street stuff and you may not, but I can tell you are wiser than that. Thank your girlfriend, forgive yourself and remember we all have been in that postion. But we are here and move forward. I like to think we are here for some reason. Makes this purposeless looking life seem to have purpose. If nothing else people Love and that is the purpose. Keep yourself well.

I can not tell you all how friggen mad the whole fentanyl situation makes me and the fact that it has a market. I really wish every single one of us would grow a field of poppies and get back on track. F*ck fentanyl. I mean I opium is much safer than street dope.
 
Glad you’re alive man. I totally get it the only explanation I have for still being alive is God. It would be foolish to deny it.

I get the keep fucking up part. Just know you’re not alone I too have relapsed one thousand too many times. But you keep a good attitude, a good heart and that’s enough to keep on keeping on.

You gotta get off the fent man it’s gonna kill you. This last run I overdosed nearly 3 times in 2 months, the last time my mom narcan’d me 4 fucking times. I woke up couldn’t breathe it hurt so fucking bad my throat was swelled up. When I tell you I put .01 in the spoon it was crumbs of powder and I od’ed.,. Can’t even shoot any less powder if you tried.

I’m back in a sober house but shit I’ve injected phenibut the last 3 days and I just feel myself slipping already and it’s like I can’t even stop myself.

I hope we both figure it out before it’s too late. I’m sorry for all the shit you’ve been through I know it’s a fucking lot to deal with hurting the people we love. You can do this though
 
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