Things are just getting worse instead of better.

[xburtonchic]

I've been struggling with opiate addiction for a few years now. I was on Suboxone for about two years and all was going well, I was getting ready to get off and everything, and I was down to about .25mg per day. Then some bullshit happened, my life turned upside down, and one day out of pure depression I stupidly let someone shoot me up with dope for the first time. I'd never IV'ed anything or done heroin at all before that.

This was about two months ago maybe... anyway, I went from that one shot to doing it maybe once a week, to twice a week... I'm sure you can figure out how it goes from there. Now I'm off the Suboxone completely, but shooting almost half a gram of dope per day. The thing is, I REALLY don't want to go down this road again. I first got addicted to opiates via painkillers... Vicodin and Norco were my vice... and that was hellish enough before finally going on Suboxone. I just straight up do not want to go down this road, and I want to stop now before it gets worse.

But I don't know how to do that, and that is my problem. For one, I am extremely sensitive to withdrawals and I just don't have the willpower to get through them when I know I can make it stop just by spending a little bit of money. I tried doing the Suboxone thing, but now I'm finding that Suboxone isn't working for me anymore to get rid of the withdrawals. I took 4mg, which is a lot for me considering how small of an amount I was taking before I got hooked on this shit, and it still didn't work. The other thing that makes it hard for me is that my boyfriend happens to be my supplier and he's hooked on it too... which makes it THAT much harder for me, because it's too damn easy for me to get.

I'm starting to wonder if detox/rehab might be the only option I have left. I'm just scared. I've been to rehab before when I was 16, and it changed my life, it really did... but I also had to give up a lot of relationships, ways of thinking, etc. I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I know I'd probably have to break up with my boyfriend... and the thought of doing that kills me... and I'd have to make all these other lifestyle changes, and so on and so forth, and I honestly just don't know if I'm ready to do that. But I want to be clean and free of ALL drugs, even Suboxone, so bad. I want to go to college and get my degree and have a career and get married and have kids and my own house and all that other good stuff. I want to build a real life for myself... I mean, I have goals and shit... and that's just not something I can do if I continue down the path I'm on now.

I guess I'm just looking for advice... or even just some moral support... I don't know. :/

 

[piebald]

some advice...there is no way you will be able to get clean/sober as an addict if the person you are with is a dealer. Also im interested by your comment "suboxone just isn't working for me anymore" 4mg of suboxone should work....is there any chance that what you really mean is "subs arent getting me high anymore, or filling that void anymore?" sounds like you should consider rehab again. I relapsed recently after a year clean and holy shit does it consume your life all over again quickly. it sounds cheezy but you have to take action, be proactive and do the work and do what you dont want to do...go get help.
I know the idea of changing your whole life all over again is so fucking overwhelming and terrifying..but the alternative if you keep doing what your doing is much much worse. Sounds like you know what you need to do...

 

[Vaya]

First of all, don't let anyone ever fool you into thinking that this process will be without a certain level of fear. Getting clean represented accepting a complete shifting of the paradigm within which I'd made myself comfortable. In turn, revamping that paradigm goes down as the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, and it stands to reason that you are feeling that same kind of fear. I know many who have - the real shame is when those folks let that fear prevent them from living the type of lives they really wish to live. For those friends of mine who fit this latter description... many have since died. And the rest live daily existences that are painful at best.

Detox and rehab may very well be the best option for you. I would highly suggest it, in fact. You've got to shed the old ways of thinking that have cropped up since you were 16. Almost even more than that - at least, as far as getting out of this initial stage of addiction goes - you must break ties with your boyfriend and supplier, unless he, too, is willing to take the concerted steps necessary to get clean!

There's no other way, OP... If you are anything like me, you will never be able to enjoy a life of opiate abstinence with a loved one who is both a dealer and IV user. That's one situation I have yet to see pan out for anybody.

I wish you the best of luck

~ Vaya

 

[CitioKid]

As Vaya said, I don't think anyone has ever gotten sober/healthy when there significant other is a dealer and user. I mean never ever.

I'm much like you. I want to be clean, and healthy, and am over the lifestyle - but yet I have little tolerance to pain and misery.

I've tried everything. Rehab, Out-patient, Suboxone, ibogaine, 12 step, abusing every non-opioid drug possible to try get "clean" from opiates. In the end, when it comes to taking that big jump to complete sobriety, they have all failed me. There is always depression, misery, fatigue, aimlessness, pain etc...

Of all the things, Suboxone certainly kept me the most stable and the most functional. So maybe you wanna try that again. You say 4mg doesn't hold you over, but are you sure thats true - or is that just your addict mind playing tricks on you? 4mg can hold over most dope habits, especially if you haven't been using long.

If you want to make the switch with as little 'pain' as possible, try to stay away from the heroin for at least three days. Use any non-opioid you want to pass the time. Best is to just knock your ass out over and over with benzos or some other sedative, then, when you awake 72 hours later in full withdrawal, take 4mg of Suboxone. Not only will it eliminate WD's, you should catch a slightly euphoric buzz.

Then get back on subs daily.

Break up with the BF, join NA/AA or whatever group you choose, abstain from all other drugs you abuse, and then taper again with a solid recovery plan.

In the end, thats the way that will lead to the least 'pain.' But there will still be pain, you can't avoid it, less you end up dead.

 

[piebald]

CitioKid..you sort of nailed it with the sub issue at first..subs will do the job, no doubt- and in my experience i was looking for that same opiate feeling from subs instead of using them as intended; to eliminate physical withdraw symptoms...but then you go on to advise "taking the 4mg after 72 hours to eliminate withdraws and to catch a little buzz" well thats the kind of thinking that can prevent people from really breaking free from addiction. thats just my opinion of course, but there is a fine line between therapeutic use and "using" . lots of people know you can get that buzz so they use more..and thats just encouraging the same behavior/thought patterns that you are trying to get away from.

 

[herbavore]

I'm starting to wonder if detox/rehab might be the only option I have left. I'm just scared. I've been to rehab before when I was 16, and it changed my life, it really did... but I also had to give up a lot of relationships, ways of thinking, etc. I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I know I'd probably have to break up with my boyfriend... and the thought of doing that kills me... and I'd have to make all these other lifestyle changes, and so on and so forth, and I honestly just don't know if I'm ready to do that. But I want to be clean and free of ALL drugs, even Suboxone, so bad. I want to go to college and get my degree and have a career and get married and have kids and my own house and all that other good stuff. I want to build a real life for myself... I mean, I have goals and shit... and that's just not something I can do if I continue down the path I'm on now.

I guess I'm just looking for advice... or even just some moral support... I don't know. :/

So many times I read posts in TDS that start out laying out the depth and breadth of the problem, then end with a paragraph like this that pretty much spells out where the OP wants to be and the tentative admission of what they need to do to get there and then that final sentence that asks for advice. I know that you will get quite a bit of great advice from people here with far more experience and wisdom than I, but the one thing I want to say is that you very clearly know what you need to do. You need to change your life. You say that you don't know if you are ready.What will make you ready? The toll this addiction will take on your mind and body can only compound with time. Wanting to put together going to college, getting a degree and starting a career with having kids takes a long time! I don't know how old you are but I would say that you are no doubt of an age where you are going to have to decide to at least be healthy enough to start the journey towards those goals.

TDS is a great place for moral support but you have been around BL long enough to know it won't be enough. If rehab changed your life before (sounds like you had a good experience) then it can do it again. Letting go of a relationship that is structured around drugs is like letting go of the drugs.It won't be easy but you know you have to do it. Maybe your strong move will be the catalyst for your boyfriend to want to change---who knows?

I know from previous threads of yours that you have been through a lot of terrible times. I also know that you are very strong. You are going to have to use that strength to take the first step and then put yourself in an environment that supports what you are trying to do; and then don't look back until you get some distance. I really hope that you will not sabotage yourself by waiting to do what you know in your heart of hearts that you must do.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Sorry to break it to you, and I hate to tell a girl to leave her boyfriend if he hasn't done anything wrong, but you'll never get clean if your partner is a dealer.

I quit my methadone script 9 days ago and am 4 days completely clean. I can't remember when I had 4 days clean of all drugs and alcohol, I'm 24 and it must be over 10 years ago. I owe it all to NA.

 

[CitioKid]

Piebald - Of course trying to catch a buzz with suboxone is a continuation of addictive behaviors, but I was trying to give her the most "pain free" way to go about it.

I think all sub users look forward to the little lift that bupe gives you, even after long term use. I was on subs 3 years straight and still got a little mood lift after each dose.

The best thing for her, or any dope fiend, would be to detox, then go to meetings and stay completely sober. But I'm being realistic here, and as hard as I've tried, I have yet to be able to go completely straight. So its all about damage control.

 

[piebald]

^thats what i mean about subs..you take your dose,even "as directed" and it gives you little reward..which to me was the very thing i needed to eliminate. I was addicted to opiates for years and i only used subs for three months for that reason..i just sort of messed with them the same way i did oxys i guess. I do see your point though, i wasn't really saying you were giving her bad advice or anything, but just observing that those same reward seeking patterns and behaviors can still remain active. Subs saved my ass for sure there was no way i could have done it without them.

 

[RedLeader]

I hate to be cold, but the problem here is that no matter how much you kid yourselves into believing that you love each other more than anything, at the end of the day, even if you do have some genuine feelings for each other, you both are more-immediately infatuated right now with heroin. It's something of a three-way relationship, and both of you want that alone time with the third person more than you want to be with each other. How many successful three-way relationships do you see outside of communes or one-night stands? The only one I ever saw was on a television show where the triple was, you know, having a television show being made about them because they were so uncommon.

Think about it. You are both choosing (or "choosing to not treat your disease by...," 6/half-dozen) to regularly take an addictive drug that is known for killing sex drive and numbing away deep emotions. If you really loved each other more than you loved heroin, you would want the heroin to get itself out of the picture because it would feel BETTER to bathe in that love. Yes, I admit that it's more complicated than that because of the physical addiction, but if WD is your big fear, we can give you advice on how to taper down without hellish discomfort. But seriously, feeling regular heroin bliss and unadulterated love for another person is kind of the whole "having your cake and eating it too." You have to sacrifice one if you want to immerse yourself with the other. Anyone who have ever felt heroin bliss but also real, genuine, untainted love will tell you that love wins hands-down. So if heroin's winning here, then either you're not going to get that pure of love with this guy and you should walk away OR you both need to get completely clean to give yourselves that chance. Only you knows which one of those is more realistic.

It sounds to me like in the back of your mind you want to get out of this lifestyle. I'm going out on a limb here, but I sense that you have some insecurities and hang-ups about yourself that this guy made you feel like were unimportant, and you "picked your battles" and decided that it would be okay to keep flirting with opiates because there were enough positives here to compensate. What I'm telling you, instead, is that you CAN work out anything that you might feel like necessitates a romantic compromise and then when it's opiates verses nothing for the negatives, you won't have any reason to justify getting with such a guy. And then you'll meet a better guy with whom you do good, fun, genuine things which distract you away from opiates and you learn to live and appreciate life in a way you never thought possible. Sure, that's a long hike and whatnot for a lot of us, but you need to get clean in order to get started.

 

[Missykins]

CitioKid..you sort of nailed it with the sub issue at first..subs will do the job, no doubt- and in my experience i was looking for that same opiate feeling from subs instead of using them as intended; to eliminate physical withdraw symptoms...but then you go on to advise "taking the 4mg after 72 hours to eliminate withdraws and to catch a little buzz" well thats the kind of thinking that can prevent people from really breaking free from addiction. thats just my opinion of course, but there is a fine line between therapeutic use and "using" . lots of people know you can get that buzz so they use more..and thats just encouraging the same behavior/thought patterns that you are trying to get away from.

I agree whole-heartedly: the number of people thinking that they're clean while shooting, snorting, and plugging their Suboxone just boggles my mind. It's just an extension of their addictive behaviour.