fifleman
Bluelighter
Hey everyone. It's been awhile since I posted on TDS or Bluelight in general. It's been even longer since I wasn't an asshole posting on here or belittling others in my disease 
I wanted to share with all of you some tips, possible help, experience, strength and hope that maybe some of us can use here, myself included.
Quick History
I started using at 13 and used hard from around age 17-23. My drugs of choice became liquor and cocaine. Tried everything else, but these two seemed to squelch the fire burning in my mind the most. Month long binges on cocaine were a habit when I was selling it and liquor was a staple almost all the time. At times I would realize this stuff has got to stop and could last a good week, sometimes close to two. However, it always ended back with liquor and my old attitudes.
I hit rehab right before my 22nd birthday. It was mostly used as a scapegoat: my girlfriend and family wanted me there more than I did. I had slammed into 3 parked vehicles with my vehicle, totaling 3 out of the 4 (including mine). I just wanted to escape.
I took nothing away from rehab. The only thing I got out of it was that my priorities were wrong (drugs were #1) and that I need a new set of priorities. So, I switched drugs to like #5 on the list. Ha, eventually they were #1 again. Funny how that works.
I hit rehab again in June of 2010. I'd woke up from a five day vodka binge and realized I needed to change. I was broke, miserable, suicidal and above all, insane. My mind consumed me more than the drugs did, and when I added the drugs, well, I was ok for a few hours, but the insanity had to be dealt with. So, I entered rehab (the same place) for the 2nd time, and this time is was my decision.
Past 10 months
Once again, I am a newborn. Oh man, it couldn't feel any better (for the most part).
In the past 10 months of being sober, I have realized quite a bit about myself. Mostly, that I'm an asshole whose ego (like many of us) could fill an event hall.
However, I've come to realize that the Alcoholics Anonymous big book is spot on with what it says -- it hasn't lied to me yet. It mentioned that alcohol was but a symptom, that I have unresolved issues that I'm drinking over. I'll tell you today that I am still fairly self conscious, still have somewhat low self-esteem, and don't exactly play well with others -- yet. I'm learning.
While I will not preach AA or NA (I enjoy AA) to any of you, to say it has not helped me grow as a person would be a straight lie and I will not take all the glory. The meetings I go to have people who help me deal with life and have solutions to many, many of the questions I have post-addiction. I wish not to include AA as a big part of my life, but if it works, it works, and it works for me.
I made a promise to myself when I left rehab the second time: I would do WHATEVER it takes to stay sober. I went to a sober living home. I stayed willing and listened to people who have wisdom they could share with me. I was no special drug addict or alcoholic. None of us are, we all become the same sitting at the bottom of silt and shit. Insanity. We all end there. Sobriety is when I found I could become different and open up this beautiful mind and body that I'm blessed with.
Today I do not have a drug/alcohol problem. I have a problem dealing with life's problems and how my messed up mind perceives and interprets them. I'm learning about how to shut the mind off and use it only when presented with a problem it would actually help solving. I've recently come to realize that I am no longer an alcoholic or drug addict - I despise those terms. However, I do NOT discount what I've been through and put the ones I love through. I've grown wise beyond my years with the experiences in addiction and wish never to return there. However, I have only this moment. This one, special little existence in life that allows me another breath another joyous moment to live a life I do not know why I have. I often wonder - how did I get picked for life? It's pretty neat, and I do not search for the answer. I simply sit in awe.
I read into Buddhism and have found that the 12 steps are Buddhism (to me). I believe I am not one to say there is no God and not one to say there is, either. I simply know the universe doesn't revolve around me and I do not know anything. None of us do. We can learn ourselves in earthly subjects but that does not satisfy why we exist. I know there is a greater force out there and I see it every day in nature. Trees, the mountains, earth worms, all of it. It's so beautiful. When I'm outside the city, I feel organic and one with this earth.
I try not to bother myself with things that do not affect me. I can make any problem my own, but why? We quarrel with one another as if we're going to live forever. We have but a small frame of existence, and I want to spend it being as loving and beneficial to the ones I love around me. It's a learning experience.
I did not learn my ways of using over night and I don't expect my mental fires and perceptions to disappear over night. Or a year. Or five years. However, I am blessed with all of you who have fought through the pain or are fighting through the pain of addiction and I can draw strength and motivation to continue evolving, growing, learning. I can learn myself and learn "I want it and I want it right now" is a falsity. I can reject society's standards and what it wants me to believe, think, or feel. I am the master of my own ship. I could not say that while using.
I dropped all my old friends and do not miss them to this day. The ones who love me stuck by me. My family, girlfriend, a couple true friends who would cry when I sat there, shitfaced, saying I wanted to kill myself. I love those people today with all of my heart. I want to be good to them, to you, to all.
I wanted to change, was sick of the insanity, and became willing to realize that I did not know what the hell I was doing anymore. I needed help and I'm not too big of a man to admit that. It got me where I am today.
The past does not define me, but it has provided me knowledge and wisdom that I can hopefully share. The future is not here and I want nothing to do with it, for I am here. In this moment. With my nephews and typing to you.
Live in the moment, do not worry about the past or bother yourself with the future. What happens will happen, it is what it is, and we can change nothing but ourselves.
I've rambled, but do whatever it takes. You'll find your way.
I wanted to share with all of you some tips, possible help, experience, strength and hope that maybe some of us can use here, myself included.
Quick History
I started using at 13 and used hard from around age 17-23. My drugs of choice became liquor and cocaine. Tried everything else, but these two seemed to squelch the fire burning in my mind the most. Month long binges on cocaine were a habit when I was selling it and liquor was a staple almost all the time. At times I would realize this stuff has got to stop and could last a good week, sometimes close to two. However, it always ended back with liquor and my old attitudes.
I hit rehab right before my 22nd birthday. It was mostly used as a scapegoat: my girlfriend and family wanted me there more than I did. I had slammed into 3 parked vehicles with my vehicle, totaling 3 out of the 4 (including mine). I just wanted to escape.
I took nothing away from rehab. The only thing I got out of it was that my priorities were wrong (drugs were #1) and that I need a new set of priorities. So, I switched drugs to like #5 on the list. Ha, eventually they were #1 again. Funny how that works.
I hit rehab again in June of 2010. I'd woke up from a five day vodka binge and realized I needed to change. I was broke, miserable, suicidal and above all, insane. My mind consumed me more than the drugs did, and when I added the drugs, well, I was ok for a few hours, but the insanity had to be dealt with. So, I entered rehab (the same place) for the 2nd time, and this time is was my decision.
Past 10 months
Once again, I am a newborn. Oh man, it couldn't feel any better (for the most part).
In the past 10 months of being sober, I have realized quite a bit about myself. Mostly, that I'm an asshole whose ego (like many of us) could fill an event hall.
However, I've come to realize that the Alcoholics Anonymous big book is spot on with what it says -- it hasn't lied to me yet. It mentioned that alcohol was but a symptom, that I have unresolved issues that I'm drinking over. I'll tell you today that I am still fairly self conscious, still have somewhat low self-esteem, and don't exactly play well with others -- yet. I'm learning.
While I will not preach AA or NA (I enjoy AA) to any of you, to say it has not helped me grow as a person would be a straight lie and I will not take all the glory. The meetings I go to have people who help me deal with life and have solutions to many, many of the questions I have post-addiction. I wish not to include AA as a big part of my life, but if it works, it works, and it works for me.
I made a promise to myself when I left rehab the second time: I would do WHATEVER it takes to stay sober. I went to a sober living home. I stayed willing and listened to people who have wisdom they could share with me. I was no special drug addict or alcoholic. None of us are, we all become the same sitting at the bottom of silt and shit. Insanity. We all end there. Sobriety is when I found I could become different and open up this beautiful mind and body that I'm blessed with.
Today I do not have a drug/alcohol problem. I have a problem dealing with life's problems and how my messed up mind perceives and interprets them. I'm learning about how to shut the mind off and use it only when presented with a problem it would actually help solving. I've recently come to realize that I am no longer an alcoholic or drug addict - I despise those terms. However, I do NOT discount what I've been through and put the ones I love through. I've grown wise beyond my years with the experiences in addiction and wish never to return there. However, I have only this moment. This one, special little existence in life that allows me another breath another joyous moment to live a life I do not know why I have. I often wonder - how did I get picked for life? It's pretty neat, and I do not search for the answer. I simply sit in awe.
I read into Buddhism and have found that the 12 steps are Buddhism (to me). I believe I am not one to say there is no God and not one to say there is, either. I simply know the universe doesn't revolve around me and I do not know anything. None of us do. We can learn ourselves in earthly subjects but that does not satisfy why we exist. I know there is a greater force out there and I see it every day in nature. Trees, the mountains, earth worms, all of it. It's so beautiful. When I'm outside the city, I feel organic and one with this earth.
I try not to bother myself with things that do not affect me. I can make any problem my own, but why? We quarrel with one another as if we're going to live forever. We have but a small frame of existence, and I want to spend it being as loving and beneficial to the ones I love around me. It's a learning experience.
I did not learn my ways of using over night and I don't expect my mental fires and perceptions to disappear over night. Or a year. Or five years. However, I am blessed with all of you who have fought through the pain or are fighting through the pain of addiction and I can draw strength and motivation to continue evolving, growing, learning. I can learn myself and learn "I want it and I want it right now" is a falsity. I can reject society's standards and what it wants me to believe, think, or feel. I am the master of my own ship. I could not say that while using.
I dropped all my old friends and do not miss them to this day. The ones who love me stuck by me. My family, girlfriend, a couple true friends who would cry when I sat there, shitfaced, saying I wanted to kill myself. I love those people today with all of my heart. I want to be good to them, to you, to all.
I wanted to change, was sick of the insanity, and became willing to realize that I did not know what the hell I was doing anymore. I needed help and I'm not too big of a man to admit that. It got me where I am today.
The past does not define me, but it has provided me knowledge and wisdom that I can hopefully share. The future is not here and I want nothing to do with it, for I am here. In this moment. With my nephews and typing to you.
Live in the moment, do not worry about the past or bother yourself with the future. What happens will happen, it is what it is, and we can change nothing but ourselves.
I've rambled, but do whatever it takes. You'll find your way.
